Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to. Or not.

Anonymous thinks that I like my friends, and don't like House because I only want people to feed into my pity party that has been going on for years.

Actually, I think you'll find very little self pitying on this blog. Sure, there's some. I defy anyone to go through the hell of infertility and not feel sorry for themselves now and again. But pity party? Please. I think I've done pretty damn well at accepting my lot in life. Just because I don't know if I want to do DE doesn't mean that I'm delusional or wallowing in self-pity about anything.

Then she/he wants to know how many years I'm willing to devote to this ambivalence while my life ticks away. Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly wasting my life. I'm far too busy right now to want to plan to deal with a baby on my own. Busy because I am out there doing things. You know, living my life. In fact, in my post about ambivalence I stated that it was probably because I was too busy doing other things. As in, "due to," "as a consequence of," and such other meanings.  See, Anonymous, I actually take charge of my own life, and make decisions that suit me. I take full responsibility for those decisions, and yes, some of them take a while for me to make. But each decision is carefully thought out. That's not to say I don't do things spontaneously or don't ever take risks. I have probably taken way more risks and made more momentous changes in my life than you could ever imagine. Lemme see, have you been to Vladivostock, Anonymous? Been in the pyramids? Done business in Mumbai? Hiked a glacier? Moved to a different continent? Gone out of a plane on the emergency slide? Been evacuated out of a country during a terrorist incident? Gone around the world? Changed your career? Hung out in Borneo? Said a prayer at the peace park in Hiroshima? Aced the Mensa test? Sailed a small yacht through a ferocious storm at night-time? Day-tripped to Paris to do some shopping? I have. I think I can safely say that I do not waste my life, letting it tick away waiting for things to happen. While my quest for a child is what this blog is all about, don't imagine that it's the only thing that I'm about.

Anonymous tells me that the real friend, the real supporter, the genuinely caring person tells it like it is. Ah, but this is where Anonymous is sadly mistaken thinking that he/she IS that person, that she/he knows what "it" is. You are not, and you do not. You don't know anything about me because you choose to put your own spin on everything that I say.  As an illustration, Anonymous, you use a funny little example about how I want to be encouraged in my dream to be an astrophysicist even though I've been abysmal in science and math. Implying that I want encouragement in things that are unattainable. Well, I have to admit that that particular example made me chortle. Let's just say that I am pretty safe in assuming that only one of us has actually studied interstellar matter and galactic dynamics.  OK, I'll grant you that my singing voice may be like William Hung, but no, I wouldn't expect anyone to encourage me in wanting to sing opera. I do not sit around and wait for encouragement to do unattainable things. If I want something I go ahead and try. And if I fail, I take it on the chin.

Anonymous thinks I should be grateful that she/he is my real friend and is steering me away from a path that will never yield fruit. Well, Anonymous, where are all the false friends who are trying to push me down the path to do another IVF with my own eggs? I see precisely zero of them. My real friends would support me if I wanted to do that. They would support me if I wanted to do home insems. They know as well as I do that nobody can truly predict when every single last egg that you possess is defunct, unless you're actually in menopause. They know as well as I do that you can never say that someone in my situation will never conceive naturally. They would also support me if I choose donor eggs or adoption. I have several DE mom friends, who tell me how happy they are and how they know I would be happy too if I did that. But they also know that I will make the right decision for me when the time comes.  The difference is that none of my real friends are pushing an agenda on me. None of them believes in motherhood at all costs, but for the right solution for me and my future kid.

Did I not enjoy House this week because I only want to hear the good things, to hear things that will buy in to my own personal delusions? No, I didn't enjoy it because he was saying vile things like "second-hand children" and other such hurtful and inappropriate nonsense. Nonsense similar to that which you spew, Anonymous.

I trust that at some point you will come to know the error of your ways. I hope it will be in this lifetime, but sadly I don't think it will be.

I told you to eff off. Now do it. Your last comment is the last one that will remain on this blog. All future comments like that will be deleted. I've resisted deleting comments up to now because you were mildly amusing for a while but you've become a stuck record.


bleu said...

Oh PLEASE I wish Anon would just FUCK OFF!!!!!

Get a life.

SO pathetic she or he has nothing better than to read a blog they have nothing in common with and snipe in hiding. How sad sad sad.

Jade said...

This sounds like the same anonymous that visited my site not so long ago. Maybe this is how she gets her jollies. That seems more pathetic than anything we may or may not be getting on with in our own lives.

so f-off anonymous I say!

Jess said...

What a jackass!

It's truly pathetic that this person seems to really take his/her time to write out a long comment. Why is this person so invested in just being negative (and wrong)? Ass.

Anonymous said...

Well, Sarah, I do have to say that I also find the comments left on your blog by your 'friends' a little over the top when it comes to being supportive (especially the last post regarding the coworker talking about her weekend).

However, I also don't think anonymous' comments about you going nowhere are completely true either. You have not liked your job for some time. Thus, trying to change career paths is also doing something to make you happier. You're not sitting still in life and moping. You ARE moving forward. Being happy at work is also very important in life.

However, there is the possibility that the time involved in changing careers might make you too old to give birth to any baby (i.e., a donor egg baby) with any useful amount of energy. Perhaps that is something to reflect upon. It might also make you too old to be able to adopt from certain countries as there are age limits on adoptions as well.

Perhaps that's what anonymous is getting at.

Rae (only posting anonymously because I'm lazy. Rae is, in fact, my real name.)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Sarah, no matter how hard we try sometimes, it's hard not to let other peoples zingers get to us. I'm sorry you feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone. It's your life to do what you will, or not, regardless of anyone elses opinion. And, as I'm sure you know anon's feelings have everything to do with her and nothing, really, to do with you. Sigh. Yes, choices have consequences and no one has a crystal ball to predict the future. I can just never understand how/why people feel like it is okay to force their opinion/agenda on someone else. They don't have to live your life, you do. Ugh! I'm kind of pissed off on your behalf now. Hang in there. Deb (Deb2You2)

Tricia said...

Ok - I get that true friends will tell it like it is - but they're prepared to wear the consequences of speaking their mind, and they will still support you in your decision, even if they don't agree with it. They don't keep harping on about it.

You are a strong, beautiful woman who is moving forward with her life. And if that means you come back to trying to be a mother later, well good for you! And this is a blog of your own thoughts - why the heck shouldn't you be allowed to host a pity party for a paragraph here and there. Its a process - you're hardly wallowing!!

I do think its a little disappointing Anon feels comfortable making personal judgments on your behalf without allowing any kind of scrutiny or "friendship" offered in return. If she has so much goodwill invested in you, why hide behind anonimity? I don't understand the mindset.

Melissa said...

Yeah! I was wondering how long you would allow anonymous to use your blog, with your well written, beautiful prose, as her soapbox for nastiness. This is your space to write, feel, vent, and share about whatever you damn well please. She obviously has another agenda....and she can get her own blog for it!

You have developed a following and a devoted readership because of your honesty and the fact that you share from your heart. Don't let her piggyback onto that to spew her yuckiness for one more second. Delete her from now on!

Selmada said...

Okay, so I dont like House. I've never actually watched an episode. But back when it was first starting, when previews were playing, I had a recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor (ended up benign and all is well, but at the time, I was told to prepare for the worse). So I saw a preview for House and he was saying "What's so bad. He has a brain tumor; he's going to die, get over it". I couldnt watch the show. I dont think anyone who has or has had a medical issue or challenge can watch it.

Anon may express her opinions, but you know yourself.