Saturday, October 25, 2008

Swirling

Sigh. We had major computer issues at work yesterday, so I gave up and went home. And I came all the way in today to find that the computer issues are not fixed. But hey, they sent an email to tell us that the email is not working! Except, mine seems to be working sporadically, but not the document saving or accessing part. Hey ho. My boss will no doubt continue to be pissed at me, but I will try to take some stuff home and work on it there.

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I have been having all sorts of thoughts swirling in my head about motherhood, and plowing on with the TTC'ing stuff. And I have been reluctant to post because, well, they're not fully formed thoughts. And I don't want people jumping down my throat at something I say (or don't say) when I don't even really know what I mean myself. Does that make any sense at all?

Like, example:

I have been thinking lately that I don't want to be a single mother by choice. That I only want to have a kid if I have a partner in tow, to help with it all. And then I wonder if I was always ambivalent and if my very ambivalence helped to prevent me from conceiving (in addition to the crap eggs, you understand). But then I think that that thought is not true. I don't want to be a single mother by choice right now. My life is too crazy with the whole going back to college and changing career business. Right now, it would be damn hard, although I could probably cope with a child if I had a partner along to help and/or the housing market picked up so I could sell my house and move close to the college and/or I didn't work so many damn hours and/or many other things. But I'm sure that once I have completed college and got my life a little bit settled again, things will change, and I will once again go back to wanting to be a mother either with or without a partner.

So because of all of that, the chances of me doing any home insems is getting smaller by the day. The chances of me doing anything at all get smaller by the day. But then I think I should still get myself on a waiting list or two. I mean, if it takes years to be able to adopt a baby from the state, why not waste those years at a time when I don't think I have the time to spare to look after a baby anyway. However, in order to get on a waiting list, you've got to make your mind up which waiting list you want to get on, and I'm still not really decided on donor embryo or adoption. Or anything really. And even then, how is a home study going to look if I am never at home, don't earn much money and am a full time student? Will they be accepting of promises that in a year or two things will improve for the better? Or is it just pointless to do a home study without a steady job? So I feel like I am frozen in place. Not doing, not deciding, not even wanting to think about it all. And the longer it goes on, the more I get used to the idea of just remaining childless and putting my energies into something else.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you're not using your own eggs, then you have some time to reflect. Perhaps you can get on some lists in the summer when school is not happening?

Rae

Stephanie said...

Would it be possible to get on both lists and let the universe decide for you which is best??

(I know, that sounds more cheesy than I normally am but, sometimes, I think some decisions are just too hard to make.)

I really want you to do whatever you can to be happy whether you have a baby, meet a man, or none of the above. If you find a wonderful career that you adore and find happiness there, that would be perfect, too.

I'm not sure about the home study issue. I know that you can demonstrate previous fiscal responsibility so, that might count for something.

bleu said...

I think the thoughts you are having are very normal and I also think they will change a thousand times a year likely.

I also think if you follow your heart you will make the best choices for you.

Much love.

Sam said...

Ditto what everyone else said. I really hate that you have to ponder what you are going to post because a few idiots like to make stupid comments about your choices or thoughts.

Almamay said...

My DH and I have discussed this idea of 'preparing' for a family and how un-natural it is. The decision to become parents is usually made for people. I suspect that even after all our (yours included) preperation when we do become parents we won't be ready. And I mean that in a good way!!

Miss X said...

If you get on a list and get rejected, how long do you have to wait before trying again? Are there other SMCs or couples you can talk to who've been through the process who can help answer your questions?

I'm not trying to be negative,just help you think through the process. If one of them is more lenient then perhaps you should put your energy into that list.

Pamela Jeanne said...

It is so easy to torture ourselves isn't it? I remember wondering if I was secretly sabotaging our efforts at TTC much as you describe here. So many questions and issues and competing timetables and requirements only make the process that much less clear. Wishing you the time and space needed to evaluate your options...

Jules said...

Hi Sarah... its such a difficult decision - I'm on my last IVF (4) I don't think the clinic would let me do another with my own eggs.. I have however got myself on the donor egg / embryo waiting list - It gives me options.. and my clinic will treat me up to 50 with donor eggs / embryos so it means I still have time! My in-my-head cut off is presently 45...

Anonymous said...

I think it's a wonderful idea for you to give it up and put your energies into something else.

Ambivalence is one of the last things one should feel towards bringing a child into the world. And maybe you're right that it contributed to your not conceiving.

Good luck with your non-baby future endeavours!

Stephanie said...

Anonymous- can I just make a public address here?? I hope Sarah doesn't mind it.

FUCK YOU!

Why can't you leave well enough alone? Why do you feel the need to give your opinion on everything Sarah says about trying to have a baby?

Do you love yourself just SO much that you assume that others are just waiting around with baited breath to see what YOU think?

I assure you we are not.

Move along.



MOVE. ALONG.