Pulling away/changing

You know, I've meant to write for a while about how weird it is to be entering this time in my life. For over 3 and a half years I have been all about trying to conceive. I joined websites and boards. I chatted endlessly. I read blog after blog after blog. My entire life revolved around it. And before that, I always assumed I would have kids. I assumed it would be easy. I assumed that things would go according to plan. So I always had some interest in the whole baby/pregnancy/child-rearing stuff.

And now? Not so much. I didn't keep up my membership in one site because it cost money and was too depressing because (mostly) everyone else got knocked up. I deliberately pulled away from one board because it was too depressing that (mostly) everyone else got knocked up and I realized I didn't "fit" any more. Other things I haven't made a concious choice on, but I find that I have pulled away too. I just don't have the interest any more in IVF sites and in a lot of blogs that I used to read. Not that reading about other people's kids or pregnancies isn't fine and dandy in certain respects, but I find that I am casting about for things to occupy the rest of my life, which I am assuming will be child-free. And therefore I am losing interest in a lot of things that used to take up a lot of my time.

I think it's natural. That will not be my life any more. And (most of) your lives will be very different from mine. We may have a mild interest in keeping up with an old acquaintance or friend but we're not necessarily into the nitty gritty of every day happenings unless they are the same as ours.

But even though it's natural, it's hard to redefine myself outside of this sphere. What am I passionate about? What do I want to be involved in? I really can't see what the future is going to be. I don't even know myself a lot of the time. And I alternately stress myself out or get excited over going back to school. I mean, I'm going to be really hard up for money. For the first time in a very long time. Have I forgotten how to survive on not very much? Or can I still do it? Then there's the weight loss and getting fit aspect too. I mean, partly I assume that I'll be too poor to eat and the weight will just fall off, but I want to make sure I don't fall into the trap of eating cheap junk food just to fill myself up. I've been chatting on a weight loss board, but that's not going to be a permanent thing. Or maybe it will be, I don't know. Maybe I'll just be interested in general health and fitness.

So, anyway. I guess it'll all be easier once this final cycle is finally done, and once I've changed my work situation. I won't have time to dwell too much then, I guess, and I won't still be waiting to change my life, I'll be in the middle of it. Yes, I am assuming that the cycle won't work. I am doing it, but I have no hope. Ha, if it does work, I can be the poster child for "no, you don't need a positive attitude". But really, who would have any hope in my situation? Who would even be dumb enough to try one last time? Most everyone else would have moved on long ago. And then I look at my blog, which is purely an infertility blog and I wonder if it's worth keeping up, or whether I should morph it to something else. I'll probably keep writing, because I like to blurt out my feelings every now and then, and it gives me something to do. But how can I keep any sort of readership? All my readers (yes, all 5 of you) are infertility/TTC/SMC related people. Will anyone be interested in the ramblings of an impoverished acupuncture student? Can I get back to actually writing witty and interesting things like I used to try to do, instead of just morose thoughts on why my latest cycle failed?

I guess we'll see.