Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Pulling away/changing

You know, I've meant to write for a while about how weird it is to be entering this time in my life. For over 3 and a half years I have been all about trying to conceive. I joined websites and boards. I chatted endlessly. I read blog after blog after blog. My entire life revolved around it. And before that, I always assumed I would have kids. I assumed it would be easy. I assumed that things would go according to plan. So I always had some interest in the whole baby/pregnancy/child-rearing stuff.

And now? Not so much. I didn't keep up my membership in one site because it cost money and was too depressing because (mostly) everyone else got knocked up. I deliberately pulled away from one board because it was too depressing that (mostly) everyone else got knocked up and I realized I didn't "fit" any more. Other things I haven't made a concious choice on, but I find that I have pulled away too. I just don't have the interest any more in IVF sites and in a lot of blogs that I used to read. Not that reading about other people's kids or pregnancies isn't fine and dandy in certain respects, but I find that I am casting about for things to occupy the rest of my life, which I am assuming will be child-free. And therefore I am losing interest in a lot of things that used to take up a lot of my time.

I think it's natural. That will not be my life any more. And (most of) your lives will be very different from mine. We may have a mild interest in keeping up with an old acquaintance or friend but we're not necessarily into the nitty gritty of every day happenings unless they are the same as ours.

But even though it's natural, it's hard to redefine myself outside of this sphere. What am I passionate about? What do I want to be involved in? I really can't see what the future is going to be. I don't even know myself a lot of the time. And I alternately stress myself out or get excited over going back to school. I mean, I'm going to be really hard up for money. For the first time in a very long time. Have I forgotten how to survive on not very much? Or can I still do it? Then there's the weight loss and getting fit aspect too. I mean, partly I assume that I'll be too poor to eat and the weight will just fall off, but I want to make sure I don't fall into the trap of eating cheap junk food just to fill myself up. I've been chatting on a weight loss board, but that's not going to be a permanent thing. Or maybe it will be, I don't know. Maybe I'll just be interested in general health and fitness.

So, anyway. I guess it'll all be easier once this final cycle is finally done, and once I've changed my work situation. I won't have time to dwell too much then, I guess, and I won't still be waiting to change my life, I'll be in the middle of it. Yes, I am assuming that the cycle won't work. I am doing it, but I have no hope. Ha, if it does work, I can be the poster child for "no, you don't need a positive attitude". But really, who would have any hope in my situation? Who would even be dumb enough to try one last time? Most everyone else would have moved on long ago. And then I look at my blog, which is purely an infertility blog and I wonder if it's worth keeping up, or whether I should morph it to something else. I'll probably keep writing, because I like to blurt out my feelings every now and then, and it gives me something to do. But how can I keep any sort of readership? All my readers (yes, all 5 of you) are infertility/TTC/SMC related people. Will anyone be interested in the ramblings of an impoverished acupuncture student? Can I get back to actually writing witty and interesting things like I used to try to do, instead of just morose thoughts on why my latest cycle failed?

I guess we'll see.


Bitch Around the World said...

Hi Sarah! I'm a reader, too, and I just want you to know that I won't go away if you change your blog. I found you when I was researching IVF stuff, but I'm not looking to get pregnant for another 5-10 years.

I just found your site a few months ago, but I've read all your posts, and I think you're funny, poignant, and lovely. (And most ugly Americans have a British fetish, so that helps.) See, your readership is 6 now!

Mermaid said...

Reader # 7! I adore your ramblings and will continue to read. I may spend 90% of my time dwelling on my infertility, but I have 10% to spare on other topics!

Melissa said...

You know you have a TON of readers and we will all be devastated if you stop writing. Yes, I originally found your blog via SMC related sites, but now, I am just plain hooked on your outlook, attitude, and point of view. Please keep writing.
Oh...and I still have a tiny flickering flame of hope for this last cycle. I got PG on my last cycle, when I had pretty much given up, and now I am an SMC to twin boys who are almost two. Keep dreaming just a few weeks more, sweetie, please!


calliope said...

I think so many of us that have been at this for YEARS (motherfucking years!)have these moments where we feel like all we are to other people is that poor girl trying to have a baby. I happen to know for reals that is not all YOU are.

please don't leave me out in the blogosphere all alone!!!!!!!

bleu said...

I never read this purely because you were an SMC blog. I may have looked first for that but I read it because you are you and I came to adore who you are. I am invested. I want to know your life and all the twists and turns it takes. I want to commiserate with you on old age years from now. Don't ever close the blog, PLEASE.

R said...

I think you have lots of good things to say. TTC does not have to define who we are, it's what we do for a period in our life. I have not tried since November, even though it's there every month, but I have learned about all of the other brilliant things I enjoy doing and about who I am :)

Cindy said...

I will! I will! Sarah, if you feel like blogging you will definitely have an audience. You are a good writer and I look forward to your other topics since my fertility journey is over. I like reading your thoughts on other things.

So, keep blogging, girl! :)

Anonymous said...

came for the IF blog, stayed for the snark!

Sam said...

I'm here, been here, and staying here. I just started TTC but I am not reading for that reason. I enjoy your blog and I want to support SMC in any way I can. Whether or not you continue to TTC, I'll be around. (Though I'm not a huge commenter, sorry!)

Sharon said...

Sarah, I'm a wanna-be SMC BUT I'm here for the snark too.

I enjoy your blog - have been a lurker for a while - will make more of an effort to comment and let you know I'm here.

I haven't given up on you getting knocked-up yet either.

Stay around.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I am a silent lurker- rooting for you for the past year. I have been ttc for over 5years now and still have not baby to show. I understand how consuming it can be. Good for you with starting over- I think you are a great blogger and would continue to follow you- you make me laugh!
SEnding positive thoughts your way that this last cycle is THE ONE!!
Nancy33 ( from SMC)

Anonymous said...

S, yes, we met because we were at similar points in our lives and became friends then, but I consider you a friend, regardless of how much we do or don't have in common. I'm not going anywhere either. Please keep up your blog. I don't want to lose touch.

Amy said...

You are definitely a strong person for enduring so many IVF's. I'm on my 5th fresh cycle so I can kind of relate to you.