Sunday, May 04, 2008

My joy thing

I'm fairly sick of reading myself whining, so I thought I would share with you all something that makes me happy.

It's a simple thing. A very simple thing. A cup of tea.

At my darkest hour during this infertility crap, yes, I considered suicide. I just didn't see the point to life if I couldn't be a mother. There didn't seem to be any worth in living a half-life. In not contributing to society in the way that I had always imagined. I just did not want to continue on. But I didn't do it, because that is not me. I could never ever cause that sort of pain to my family. And besides, I've been through other tough times before, and looking back, can't even remember what I was so down about. So I knew I would get through it somehow.

At the same time, a friend of mine was going through a happy phase. Which is weird, because I can usually count on him for a good hate session, especially over work. But there he was, all cheery, and I had a face as long as a horse's. So he kept on at me to tell him something that was good in my life, something I was grateful for, something I was happy with. And I just...couldn't. But, being as he was being all optimistic and in my face, he didn't accept no for an answer.

And eventually, I said that I'd found this tea that I really enjoy. It's an organic loose-leaf tea, so you have to spoon the leaves into the pot or brewing basket, and you get this wonderful smoky, oakey aroma. And then waiting for it to brew, and then drinking it just is a wonderful experience. And it was apparently one of the teas that was thrown in Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party which tickles my funny bone for some reason. You know, English person in America, still drinking the same old tea. So, I was happy about my tea. Hooray for Bohea!

That was it, that was all I was grateful for that day. But hey, it was a start, and it eventually enabled me to think of a few other things I was grateful for. And that helped to bring me out of my slump.

But now, every time I make my special tea, like today, it brings a big smile to my face, remembering that conversation and remembering that it is my happy tea. And that makes me happy all over again.


Almamay said...

A cup of PG Tips has kept me from jumping off the edge more than one time.

calliope said...

you are SO damn English it is adorable.

But honestly- I am so glad the tea was there for you.


Heather said...

Infertility steals so much from us...I'm glad you have at least one thing to hold on to in the dark hours.

Almamay said...

Saw this and thought of you:

Made me laugh. I'd better stock up.

Tricia said...

I soooo hear you on the tea. I have a cache of tea at all times. I take my own tea to conferences and holidays. Admittedly its no longer "proper" tea like I used to drink, I cut that out when we started IVF, but its green tea, which is close, or herbal tea, which is tasty!
There is something so therapeutic about the ritual of tea making, I can see why the Japanese turned it into something almost religous!

Sarah said...

I really liked this entry. I have a photograph of a teapot at my house and there is a poem about team that ends with "I'm glad I was not born before tea"
I'm glad it helped you in the dark times.
Congrats Congrats on your Perm Resident Card--that is wonderful!