Saturday, April 21, 2007

What's the bloody point, eh?

I don't know if someone can enlighten me, but I've spent the night wondering what the bloody point of life is if you can't have kids. I just don't see it.

I'm very down. This is hitting me, in some ways, harder than the previous IVF failures. Even though it's not a failure - it's a postponement, I hope. But it could be a permanent postponement. And even if it is just a short hiatus, is it in fact a sign that I shouldn't be trying this at all. Why do I have roadblock after roadblock put up in front of me? Is the universe trying to get a message through my thick skull?

I just don't see the point any more. If I'm not meant to have kids, what on earth am I supposed to do with my life? Oh sure, Mother Theresa led a great, giving life. But I am not Mother Theresa. Far from it. I'm not sure what I could contribute to the world without providing children. I have always had a desire to have children. To reproduce, if we're going to get basic. I don't have that much of a desire to nurture. Especially not other people who are not related to me. I'm not an earth mother that wants to take in children to love them. I want my own children. Yes, I know it's terribly politically uncorrect to say that. Adopted children are the adopted parents own, because they were meant to be together. I get that intellectually. I don't get it viscerally. I want my own, biologically, genetically related children. To me, adoption IS a second best option. I am not one of the wonderful people that naturally turn to adoption. And I don't know if I ever could. Would I always be wondering that I'm giving a child, who deserves to be someone's first option, a second class chance at life, if I try to adopt as a consolation prize? People tell me I'd be a great mother, that I'd love any child, that I wouldn't have a problem loving an adopted child. But in order to get to that point, I have years worth of grieving to get through. Grieving the lost opportunity to have a child from my eggs. It's not something I can turn to easily.

But anyway, that is all academic musing. Because if I really have Hep C I doubt whether any adoption agency in the land would allow me to adopt. And I doubt any IVF clinic in the country would allow me to do IVF, or to do DE. So I'd be done. Forever. Childless. Barren. Pointless.

See, I'm back to pointless. I don't see the point of life without having children. I really don't. Any life without children in my future is a shadow life. A hanging on until death. Biding time. What's the fucking point?

6 comments:

Carey said...

I'm really sorry about the cyst and the delay. I know you are are hurt & angry right now. I would be too.

You aren't at the end of your road just yet though. Try to take things one day at a time & sort it out (blood test for hep C, etc.) I don't understand why your clinic didn't put you on BCPs for the cyst?? Did they say why they didn't?

I also understand about wanting a bio-child... I feel very strongly about that myself.

Hang in there... I hope all of this sorts itself out. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I am so sorry. This is all just so unfair. I know life isn't fair but I really want this to work for you. You have tried so hard and for so long. This setback makes it all so much harder.

I don't think though that this is it. The cyst will disappear, the Hep C stuff will come back normal and you will move forward with your cycle. You are going to cycle at the best place in the country. I really feel that when this next cycle happens it will be the one.

I totally hear you about adoption, wanting a bio child, etc. It is a hard road to want to travel down. Some women do take it on much easier than others. It is hard for me too although I talk about it a lot. In terms of the Hep C, I doubt that would even have to be disclosed for an adoption. I haven't heard of someone's Hep B or Hep C status being an issue. I just wanted to throw that out there so I could hopefully give you one less thing to contemplate.

Hang in there, Sarah. I am rooting for you and your upcoming cycle.

-Cindy

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged. My strong feeling is that the Hep C is a false positive (remember that these tests are very sensitive, but not all that specific - they would rather risk false-positives on the first test, than false-negatives.) Ironically, I'm dealing with some strong feelings about a genetic child myself. It's not ultra-logical, but it doesn't have to be.

Hugs. TTC bites.

Kate (Cracked Pot)

The Town Criers said...

I don't have any answers. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I'm here if you need to rail against the unfairness of it all. Because it is freakin' unfair, Sarah.

calliope said...

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
I am just now catching up on this madness and I am FURIOUS. This is just too much shit for you to wade through right now.

As for the musing on life without a child- cut it out. Just stop.
YOU are going to be a mom.

But all of THIS? the cyst? the hep- C MISdiagnosis?? fuck That is enough to want anyone to run screaming through the hills.

Look- you are SOOOOOOO entitled (ha!) to a massive meltdown/rage-fest. But when you find those, "what does it all MEAN" dangerous thoughts creeping in try your effing hardest to push them out. All this means is that you should have been on birth control pills and some wank effed up your lab test.. Or the test itself was screwy.

You are not alone. (when it comes to all of us being right here for you) but I hope to God you are not by yourself this weekend. This is just shitty. And i am so so sorry.
fuck.

Orodemniades said...

Yeah. I know exactly where you're coming from, because I feel the same way. I want that genetic tie - maybe because I'm an only child, I don't know.

(hope I'm not double posting this!)