Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sulking

I went to the acupuncturists yesterday morning and told them about the cancellation. I dissolved into tears. I seem to do that a lot at the acupuncturists. I said I was unhappy that we didn't seem to be getting anywhere, that I read in The Infertility Cure of women who seemed to be "fixed" within 6 weeks and I have now been doing acupuncture for 2 years. 2 looong years. I wailed about my unhappiness about potentially having hepatitis C. I wailed about having a cyst when I haven't taken meds for months and months and I was getting frustrated with the constant reply I get from them that my body is still recovering from the last IVF. Which was at the beginning of December, so I feel like I damn well should be recovered from it.

I am worrying more and more about the hep C result, in case it is a real positive and not a false positive. I did some googling, and hep C is remarkably easy to catch. In 10-15% of cases they have no clue how the person got hep C. No clue at all. You don't have to be doing any risky behavior to catch it. Now, I have been living a fairly monk-like existence ever since I started trying to conceive. Sure, I may have shared a towel with my cousin when washing my hands. I may have hugged someone with the disease who didn't know they had it. And that's it. No needle sharing, no razor sharing, no toothbrush sharing. Definitely no sex or full on kissing. But I keep thinking, what if? What if I really have it? It could be a real positive. And then I'm going to have to tell all my friends and family to get tested because I couldn't bear the thought of them having caught it from me. Or vice versa, if I'm being honest. It's just so depressing. AND it would mean no more alcohol, ever. Ever. Ever. Can you bear the thought of never having another glass of wine again, for no reason? For some random reason that one day you had a little cut on your hand that you didn't notice and shared a towel with someone who didn't know they had a disease? That's it, no more vino. It's a cruel and unusual punishment.

And I don't know if anyone would prevent me from cycling or adopting with hep C. I haven't been told that or read it anywhere. But why test for it then? If medical people are supposed to assume that everyone has HIV and be careful of their blood, and if the real main difference with hep C is to require a C-section or something, why test if you are a fertility clinic? Unless you want to refuse treatment? And of course, now I'm worrying about getting deported too. Before I get my green card I have to prove that I have no communicable diseases. Haha, I bet hep C is on the list. I bet I'll have caught it in the States, and the States will throw me out back to England for having it so that the National Health Service will have to foot the bill.

Anyway, back to the acupuncturist. I ended up in a meeting with both the assistant acu (who I heart) and the main acu (who I don't heart). As usual, the main acu made me feel bad because she implied that I'm looking for a child to fill a void in my life, that my life is devoid of joy and that I have to change that first before a child will choose to come into my life. I said she was judging me unfairly, that the fact that I was miserable as sin was no reflection on me as a person. That I'd been pretty damn upbeat and positive most of last week. But it always cuts like a knife, because in a way she's right. I don't have the most joyous life. I don't have a wide circle of friends. I don't know how to have fun really without drinking or going out late at night, and I've cut all that out, partly because of TTC'ing and partly because of moving to the States where you have to drive everywhere. And I'm not into drinking and driving. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have friends. I go out occasionally. I do stuff. I try to find joy in walking along the beach, or looking at the flowers. I really do. But I feel trapped in my job, so there's a lot of angst too. But, I feel that she judges me because I'm single. I don't think she'd do this to me if I was partnered. Which pisses me off mightily. She said her intention wasn't to judge, but really it all just leaves me more depressed.

Anyway, I could go on. But they recommended a therapist who works a lot with infertility patients and who went through infertility herself. So I'm going to go and see her if I can, because after all, therapy is about the one thing I haven't tried yet. We'll see if it will help.

And finally, to wrap up the litany of woe, I checked the schedule of Big New Clinic, and of course if I wait two months the lab will be closed. So it will definitely be 3 months. Which means I won't be cycling until July/August. Which makes me want to scream in frustration. And hit things. But mostly makes me leak tears. I am doing a lot of that. Leaking. Oozing. With an occasional sob thrown in for good measure. Even Rescue Remedy isn't helping much this weekend.

6 comments:

katty said...

Sarah. I'm so sorry. About the cyst. About the Hep C results (which hopefully will end up negative) and also for the postponment. What a string of bad luck. I'm really sorry.
Kx

gabby said...

Sarah-I think you and I would be good friends if we lived near by. :) I would have the same reaction about Hep C (no wine????) and also have the same deal with wondering how to have fun without going out late and drinking. Moved from a big city (public transportation and walking) to small town (all driving) and so that means lots of nights in doing a whole lot of nothing. I am so sorry about the cyst. That is so frustrating. But I should be cycling in July/August too so at least you'll have one buddy. And I also cry at the acu's office but if my acu started saying I was filling a void, I'd smack her. That would be hard to take. What's the point of acu if it only works on cheery people? And I hope the therapist works out. I just started seeing one and I really like her. End of novel... :)

bleu said...

My ex has Hep-c and got it from her drug problem when she was younger. She also spent many many years after finding out she had it drinking like a fish and basically doing everything they say not to. She is still fine these many years later, although last I heard she has finally stopped drinking, but that was for other reasons. I was exposed from her numerous times and, luckily, never contracted it.

I think that acu is a jerk. You deserve to have your dreams fulfilled. And no matter how healthy or not you are, a child fills a void, the void of wanting a child. duh
I truly believe there is NO, not even a tiny bit of truth to the whole crap about being in the right space, or having the right mindset to get pregnant. Plain and simple it is biology, and when our body has trouble we have to figure out the right protocol, the right combination to allow our bodies to get pregnant and carry to term. It is biology and code-cracking.
I am so sorry for your delay, it sucks hard. Plain and simple it sucks. I wish I could speed up the days until July for you but in the meantime I am sending a great big cyber-hug your way.

calliope said...

what a wank! that acu clearly has issues with your singleness- how DARE she judge!
ugh!

At least you got a name of a therapist out of that meeting. When I was going every day for a couple of weeks in bama - it did help. The shrink approached infertility as if I had ppsd & I think there may be some stuff to that.

ugh

mimi said...

Sarah -- Hey I just posted on FF before reading your full lowdown here. I'm sorry to hear your so down. Your feelings remind me of how I felt when I had my first miscarriage after two years of ttc. I was so full of hope and anticipation, and all that was stolen from me. Then, a month later we moved to New York, just before 9/11/01. At that point I really felt like I was being targeted. I went into severe depression and wondered what was the point of it all. I almost gave up on getting pg -- wasn't sure I could face the possibility of pain anymore, but I stuck with it and was fortunate enough to have a child. I hope you stick with it too.

I also want to say that in my current ttc struggle, I recently made kind of a shift in my attitude, which hasn't gotten me pg, but has given me a little peace of mind. Sarah, I know we are all different and we all have different struggles, so my story below isn't to suggest that I have a prescription for your happiness. And believe me I know that sometimes when things go wrong, you just need to feel bad about it for a while, and you don't want anyone trying to cheer you up. But I hope you don't mind my sharing a slight epiphany I had recently.

I was talking to Dr. J (my shrink) about how it isn't fair; it's so hard for me to get pg; why can't I just have a kid if I want to; my body is betraying me, etc. And then I complained about how my life was on hold -- I didn't feel like exercising, buying new clothes (especially new bras that I desperatedly needed), or making any plans, because I could become pg any time now. In her infinitely subtle way, Dr. J. wondered what would be the problem with buying the bras or exercising even if I were about to be pg. Well .... um.... you know ..... I..... Ok -- I had no reason. I was letting this infertility thing invade every other aspect of my life and making me miserable.

So I started going to the Y. And I bought my bras. And I made plans to go skiing. If I got pg and couldn't ski when I got there, so be it. And, while not pg, I feel a little better, a little more in control of the non-reproductive aspects of my life.

Our situations are different, but I think you are smart to consider seeing a therapist. You have a lot on your mind and you need to let it out (and as great as your blogs are I imagine there's even more you need to express). You need to vent to someone who won't judge you and who will allow you to feel how you feel.

Best wishes to you!

Carey said...

I think it's great you are going to see a therapist - esp. one that deals with IF. Seeing a therapist was one thing that helped me to let go of some of my anger. The other thing that helped was Buddhism, learning more about it's philosophy. I dunno, it just really made sense to me at a point when I didn't think anything was making sense & I was so angry about most things. It helped me gain new insight.

As for Hep C, there are meds & some people do get cured completely from it. So there is hope there too.