Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The dread chronicles

I've been very uninspired about posting lately. I think it's the impending dread. I don't really want to do another IVF cycle, you see. Oh, don't get me wrong, I want the outcome, assuming the outcome is positive. Not so keen on the outcome if it is another negative. I just don't want to be doing this. Period. I just wish it had worked already. I wish I didn't have to keep pushing myself forward for one more attempt. Just one more. Which then turns into yet another one more because I can't quite give up yet. So I have cycle-dread. Dread that it won't work. Dread that I'll put myself through all those shots and other indignities for nothing again. Dread that I'll somehow have to find the money, time and energy for another cycle. Just plain dread.

I've also been having anxiety dreams. Not bad, wrenching anxiety dreams, but just little weird things. Like Saturday night, I dreamt that my friend and her boyfriend had taken me for a day long workup by the doctor in advance of the IVF, and it was my new RE, Dr. S. Except he was doing an endoscopy on me, and was sticking that big old tube down my throat without having given me any sedation first. I was panicking a bit and trying not to choke, but managed to hold it together. And when that was done, he wanted to stick some big old tube up the other end. At which I decided I needed a bathroom break, so my friend took me outside, flappy hospital gown and all, to look for a bathroom and there we were wandering around my high school with my butt hanging out, looking for a bathroom. And then we saw this weird dude from my work hanging out with a weird internet gal. And I was saying "huh, I never imagined those two ending up together". But they were putting on a show of being together and were actually planning some sort of sabotage of the school. Eventually we wandered back to the doctor's office, but I decided I didn't want the boyfriend to see all my girly bits, despite them having been on display for hours anyway, so I was getting all shy about that.

And then I got woken up so I never found out if I ever did get all the tests done.

I told you it was weird. I guess it's all just symptomatic of all the little anxieties that I've been building up. And yes, usually my anxiety dreams land me back in high school in some way or another. I'm sure it's all very deep and meaningful. But it's rare that I remember dreams so vividly - usually I'll have maybe one a year that I remember in so much detail.

I also have this sense of dread that is connected to the weather. We're in the middle of a severe drought, and have got water restrictions going on. It makes me uneasy, I think partly because it's evidence that the usually fertile mother earth is drying up, making me think of my ovaries, naturally, and partly because I worry about global warming and whether I'll even have a house to raise children in if the sea level rises. It's just an uneasiness, but you know, another little dread in the back of my mind.

I suppose it'll all get better once I start on the meds, which is in a mere 4 days, but we'll see.

1 comment:

calliope said...

holy shit- you are in a dread funk. Using the Florida drought as a metaphor for your own fertility? damn, that's heavy.

I just have to hope like a mofo that THIS is the cycle for you. A very wise person (you) once told me that we won't get pregnant if we stop trying.

Oh & please tell me that I am not a weird internet girl in your dreams;-)