Sunday, December 14, 2008

Things always look better in the morning

Although I had a long, depressed nap yesterday, it didn't make me feel any better. I just felt very deflated and defeated, like I was not going to ever manage to adopt an infant.  But I want to thank you for your comments, particularly the one referring me to WACAP (thanks Hedgetoad!).  Because after a night of sleep, things are looking better.

It's just that that room took me right back to the pain of infertility. There were 3 white couples. All of a certain age. All looking beaten down. All of a type that is so familiar from RE waiting rooms all over the country - the ones like me who have watched all the pert young IVF patients get pregnant, and have been left crying and broke. I knew they'd all tried and failed to have kids, maybe even if they hadn't done IVF, they all looked beaten down. The woman next to me was bubbly and the only one that didn't give off a depressed energy. She was on her own so I initially thought she was single like me, but when we all had to fill in a sign-in sheet, she put a spouse's name down so I guess he just couldn't go. I don't know, of course, but I got the impression that she was doing this to help the poor kiddies. She was African-American and, I don't know, maybe she was doing her Christian duty or something. All just impressions, of course, but the energy coming off her was so different I just didn't think she had been through infertility. Then there was another woman on her own, but she was in the wrong place - she had her niece and nephew and wanted to adopt them, but had already done the parenting class, etc. She didn't appear too bright.  Anyway, there was that IVF-waiting room contrast thing going on - the depressed ones and the not-so-depressed ones. The desperate and the excited. And it just took me back to all the feelings of failure, and wondering why it is so damn difficult.

Anyhoo, the WACAP African-American infant program arranges private adoptions for $10-$13k. Which is a lot cheaper than other private adoptions (although it is depressing that those children are not as valued, which is a sad reflection on us as a society, but we won't go there today). So it helped me see that I do have an alternative even though the stock market tanking has wiped out a good chunk of my savings. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured I didn't want to do it right now because of the crazy school/work schedule. So I am going to hold that in reserve as my option for if this adopting from the state lark doesn't work out. It'll be my talisman when things are looking bleak - that I can pursue that as soon as I am done with school, and have a baby (hopefully) within a year. I'll be 44 probably by then - hopefully I'll still have enough energy to keep up with a small child!

So, given that my schedule is not ideal right now anyway, why not forge ahead with my initial plan of trying to hold out for a safe haven newborn even if the wait is 2-3 years. In fact, I prefer a long wait, so I shouldn't let the adoption ladies put me off. They are doing their job, trying to steer everyone to the older kids and I shouldn't let myself get completely depressed when they make the chances of what I want to do look so bleak. AND I can use the home study and the MAPP classes (or can update the home study easier later on) for if I bail out and pursue another avenue of adoption.

Right, so first thing I have to do is call the adoption agency and ask them about the possibility of newborn adoption. And stand firm even when they try to put me off. Then I have to call each of the 10 or so different fostering and private adoption agencies that run the parenting classes, to find one that has them on a Monday night. And if nobody does, then I'll just have to go back to the adoption agency and figure something out, like paying for private classes or something.


Almamay said...

That's my girl! Never say die.

You have such a big heart and are so perceptive that seeing the other people at the orientation must have been hard. I'm sure people who are less aware of the world around them wouldn't have picked up on the pain in the room. I think when You are an IF Vet you are changed forever. I think for the better because you (all of us Vets) are far more empathetic after the emotional beatings that IF gives.

You are going to be a great mum. x

Stephanie said...

Yay! I'm glad things seem better this morning! :-)

Meg said...

I'm glad things are looking better this morning. That orientation sounded dreadful but I'm glad it didn't keep you down for long.

Good luck!

calliope said...

wow. I can totally imagine the group you described and can totally imagine that they, like you, have been down a long and beaten down road.

But it sounds like you have turned a mental corner and are getting ducks in a row.

A girl just needs a plan and you are TOTALLY all over that.