Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I bring you a Christmas gift of poop

I actually said those words this morning. To the vet. Ha ha ha. They wanted a cat poop sample, and they've got it. Of course, they should have had it on Monday, but Atkins-induced constipation and wilfull hunger strikes led to a delay.

Thanks for the thoughts about yesterday. I do feel like I expect too much of myself, sometimes. But it took me SO freakin' long to stop doing IVFs. So many people were (and are) all: "just get over it, already, and MOVE ON." So every time I struggle with moving on, even though on a day-to-day level I am at peace, it stings. Because I feel like a failure that I haven't "got over it" completely, that it took me so long to even get where I am today.

Then again, I probably never will get over it completely. My mother died nearly 30 years ago. I don't cry over her death any more. I don't actively grieve over it. But it is always there with me. It always brings me to a wistful pause when I think about how life could have been, would have been, should have been if she had not been taken away from us so young. I expect that unresolved infertility is like that. It will never leave. Even if I become a mother in another way, I expect there will always be some underlying grieving, angst and/or wistfulness. I know, I know, the child will be MY child, my true destined child, the child that I would not have had but for infertility leading me down that path. But that's not to say that I won't grieve over the fact that that child wasn't the second or third child, meant to complete my family, but instead is the only child, found after a long fought battle. I don't think the scars from the battle will ever truly heal.

May you all have a wonderful holiday. And if you are dealing with your own IF battle scars, may it not be too painful. May you find some joy and light in the darkness.


bleu said...

Happy Holiday's Sarah. Also, thanks for continuing to blog honestly about such complicated issues. It truly inspires.

Much love.

Tricia said...

Merry Christmas and a Blessed Solstice Sarah! Hope you had a wonderful day and your kitteh is doing fine!
I had to chuckle over your "fat" talk with the vet, I've given heaps of these over the years, heck, even over the last few weeks, and we try to be gentle - your baby girl will cope just fine with restricted feedings! She might whinge a bit for the first few weeks when she realises her bowl is empty, but she'll get over it! You'll do great with her I'm sure.
And I think you're right about the IF grief. Its a true grief, just because you never held your bio children, doesn't make the loss less real or tangible. It changes you, and leaves its mark.
You don't need to "get over it" or "past it". And certainly not in someone elses scheduled time.

And congrats on getting everything sorted for your acupuncture course!! How very exciting!!