I'm a big kid now

I went back to my old OB/Gyn today. I'd stopped going because they were useless about getting the pap results done quickly and to my RE, so the RE had been doing my pap for the last few years. And the physical. And all that. But it was time to get back to reality. And time to get papped up for another year.

I switched to a new doc, because I previously used to have a midwife do my paps (don't ask why, I don't know myself - all I know is that I asked for a woman back in the day, before multiple IVFs destroyed my modesty in that area once and for all, and got put with a CNM, then got bounced from CNM to CNM until one finally stuck around for a while). Of course, the midwife, being mostly there to deliver babies was always off...delivering babies. So I would have to wait for an eternity in that damn waiting room, surrounded by swollen bellies. Torture, I tell you. So now I'm with a doc who has a more varied practice, although it's in the same giant OB/Gyn group that half the city goes to.

And it was all going very well. I managed to squeeze my lengthy Gyn history since my last visit into the very small space provided on the form. They called me back to the exam room quickly, and the doc seemed nice. And then she asked about the fertility stuff and if I was OK with stopping the treatment. And big old toughie that I am, who is all "evolved" and "at peace" with ending my IVF career...I couldn't answer. My voice cracked, my eyes instantly filled with tears and I stuttered and spluttered. To which she looked suitably panicked and said quickly "well, I mean, you're accepting of ending it?" Yes, yes, I accept it. I accept that my eggs are crap. I accept that I have finished treatment. But it appears that I am not OK with it. Still. I still wish it had just fucking worked, and I wonder how it can be that it works for other people but not for me. We briefly talked about adoption, she said that that was great, and moved on to how I need to get a yearly mammogram now that I have hit the big four-oh. Then she did the exam and off she went.

I got back to my car and had a little cry. Damn. I guess this is going to be a very long, drawn out process. Maybe the holidays have made me wistful. Or maybe I'm just not as OK with everything as I thought I was.

I made my mammogram appointment, though. I suppose I really am a big kid now. Too old to have babies, old enough to have to get mammograms and have high cholesterol. Sigh.