Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I'm a big kid now

I went back to my old OB/Gyn today. I'd stopped going because they were useless about getting the pap results done quickly and to my RE, so the RE had been doing my pap for the last few years. And the physical. And all that. But it was time to get back to reality. And time to get papped up for another year.

I switched to a new doc, because I previously used to have a midwife do my paps (don't ask why, I don't know myself - all I know is that I asked for a woman back in the day, before multiple IVFs destroyed my modesty in that area once and for all, and got put with a CNM, then got bounced from CNM to CNM until one finally stuck around for a while). Of course, the midwife, being mostly there to deliver babies was always off...delivering babies. So I would have to wait for an eternity in that damn waiting room, surrounded by swollen bellies. Torture, I tell you. So now I'm with a doc who has a more varied practice, although it's in the same giant OB/Gyn group that half the city goes to.

And it was all going very well. I managed to squeeze my lengthy Gyn history since my last visit into the very small space provided on the form. They called me back to the exam room quickly, and the doc seemed nice. And then she asked about the fertility stuff and if I was OK with stopping the treatment. And big old toughie that I am, who is all "evolved" and "at peace" with ending my IVF career...I couldn't answer. My voice cracked, my eyes instantly filled with tears and I stuttered and spluttered. To which she looked suitably panicked and said quickly "well, I mean, you're accepting of ending it?" Yes, yes, I accept it. I accept that my eggs are crap. I accept that I have finished treatment. But it appears that I am not OK with it. Still. I still wish it had just fucking worked, and I wonder how it can be that it works for other people but not for me. We briefly talked about adoption, she said that that was great, and moved on to how I need to get a yearly mammogram now that I have hit the big four-oh. Then she did the exam and off she went.

I got back to my car and had a little cry. Damn. I guess this is going to be a very long, drawn out process. Maybe the holidays have made me wistful. Or maybe I'm just not as OK with everything as I thought I was.

I made my mammogram appointment, though. I suppose I really am a big kid now. Too old to have babies, old enough to have to get mammograms and have high cholesterol. Sigh.


Rachel said...

Oh, I just so know. I just so know exactly what you mean. I do accept it too, but it's still oh so damn hard. And sometimes I still secretly hope that things will somehow be different, even though I know they won't.

I don't know why it didn't work. I just know it sucks.

And the holidays suck too.

I'm hanging in there with you.

Melissa said...

Oh, Sarah.....I'm sorry that you had such a crap day and that all those feelings came flying back at you. Please give yourself permission to not be totally ok with everything all the time, but still give yourself credit with being ok with things most of the time. You have handled so much so well, really. You truly do seem have come through this with your mental health intact....which is quite an achievement!! It's ok to have moments when you acknowledgeable how awful it all is. That doesn't mean that you aren't ok with it. It just means that you are human and have been dealt a rather nasty deal when it comes to reproduction.

I hope you do proceed with the adoption...you have so very much love and wisdom to share and would be such an incredible parent, however you arrive there.

Anonymous said...


I really hope that in time you give donor egg or donor embryo more thought. I don't think you're going to meet with much success adopting from the foster system with your demands (infant, no involvement from the biological parents). Perhaps you could also look into adopting privately.


Almamay said...

You are an intellegent woman in touch with your feelings so unlike 90% of the population reminders of an enforced decision will bring up difficult emotions. It is also a big decision and big ones seem to continue to give i.e. you make the decision time and time again.

I am so glad I found your blog and you. 2009 looks like it will be a great adventure. I'm looking forward to hearing about acupuncture school and I'm (secretly) hoping you will venture back to the UK so we can meet.