Looking forward

I'm climbing out of the pit. I'm trying to convince myself that, while I've made mistakes in my life (like, not trying to get pregnant 5 years earlier, and many various and sundry other things), that doesn't mean that the rest of my life should or will suck. I can move on from the mistakes and find joy in life. I can become a mother even if it doesn't involve a genetic link. I'm not a failure just because I'm too busy right now to get through the adoption class or because the orientation was depressing. I can find a way.

I've been dwelling a lot on historical figures. A review of a scented candle, of all things, brought me to a French royal mistress (linky) - a minor figure that I'd never even heard of. Anyhoo, she had six children, only two of whom survived childhood. Of the two, one died at the age of 16 in his first military campaign. The other married, but didn't have children and her husband died of smallpox 5 years into the marriage. So, not only did the woman go through the pain of so many children dying, she never got to make her genetic mark on the world because neither of her surviving children managed to have kids either. And that got me thinking about all the millions of people since the world began who didn't get to successfully reproduce, through accident or death or disease or whatever. Millions of people, if not billions. Why should I think that I deserve any different? OK, so nowadays we deal with more infertility and fewer children dying in childhood, but the end result is the same. And it's not like women haven't been barren through the ages, or ended up in convents or as old maids because there was no other option to them. If you think about it, it's monumentally lucky that our particular genetic combinations arrived on the planet at all, because it was through so many lucky and random circumstances that we have the genes that we do. So the future of humanity clearly doesn't depend on me carrying on my particular genes. I can still make a difference by raising a child with love and can pass on my beliefs, family histories, silly habits, and the like.

Having said that, it's only natural to want to have your "own" children. Children related by flesh and blood. Because that's all that humans have known for millenia. Either you have children or you are barren, and if you're a lucky barren person, you get to adopt. That was it. So it's no wonder that we have this inbuilt drive. It doesn't mean that I don't think that adopted (or DE or whatever) children aren't fated, aren't our own. I do truly believe that if and when I become a mother, that child will be my perfect child, meant to teach me lessons that I need to learn. [By perfect, you realize, I am not talking physically or behaviorally or mentally perfect, but the one that I am supposed to be with.] However, believing that still doesn't stop me mourning my dreams, mourning my idiot mistakes and choices, mourning the simple lack, the failure to achieve motherhood the way that I believe we are all driven to do. And mourning the 50lbs I let pile onto my arse along the way.

I have lots of good things to come in 2009. I will find a way to attend the adoption classes. I will get my home study done. I am going to go to acu school (in less than a week!). According to my horoscope, I have the best opportunity in a decade to meet my true love. I can lose weight if I put my mind to it. I will hopefully make some new friends at school. I may or may not become a mother this year, but I will become an honorary auntie to several of my infertility buddy's kids as 2009 will involve a veritable baby boom (yes, you may not realize this or even want me to be honorary auntie, but I am claiming your unborn children). There is so much to look forward to.

Happy New Year, one and all.

Blueness

I am feeling melancholic, so haven't been posting. It's all to do with the holidays, and no kids, and failure on so many levels. And well, I know you all get it, so there's no need for me to elaborate.

I'm sure I'll cheer up as the excitement of starting acu school rolls around, and I can look forward instead of backward or what-never-was-ward.

I bring you a Christmas gift of poop

I actually said those words this morning. To the vet. Ha ha ha. They wanted a cat poop sample, and they've got it. Of course, they should have had it on Monday, but Atkins-induced constipation and wilfull hunger strikes led to a delay.

Thanks for the thoughts about yesterday. I do feel like I expect too much of myself, sometimes. But it took me SO freakin' long to stop doing IVFs. So many people were (and are) all: "just get over it, already, and MOVE ON." So every time I struggle with moving on, even though on a day-to-day level I am at peace, it stings. Because I feel like a failure that I haven't "got over it" completely, that it took me so long to even get where I am today.

Then again, I probably never will get over it completely. My mother died nearly 30 years ago. I don't cry over her death any more. I don't actively grieve over it. But it is always there with me. It always brings me to a wistful pause when I think about how life could have been, would have been, should have been if she had not been taken away from us so young. I expect that unresolved infertility is like that. It will never leave. Even if I become a mother in another way, I expect there will always be some underlying grieving, angst and/or wistfulness. I know, I know, the child will be MY child, my true destined child, the child that I would not have had but for infertility leading me down that path. But that's not to say that I won't grieve over the fact that that child wasn't the second or third child, meant to complete my family, but instead is the only child, found after a long fought battle. I don't think the scars from the battle will ever truly heal.

May you all have a wonderful holiday. And if you are dealing with your own IF battle scars, may it not be too painful. May you find some joy and light in the darkness.

I'm a big kid now

I went back to my old OB/Gyn today. I'd stopped going because they were useless about getting the pap results done quickly and to my RE, so the RE had been doing my pap for the last few years. And the physical. And all that. But it was time to get back to reality. And time to get papped up for another year.

I switched to a new doc, because I previously used to have a midwife do my paps (don't ask why, I don't know myself - all I know is that I asked for a woman back in the day, before multiple IVFs destroyed my modesty in that area once and for all, and got put with a CNM, then got bounced from CNM to CNM until one finally stuck around for a while). Of course, the midwife, being mostly there to deliver babies was always off...delivering babies. So I would have to wait for an eternity in that damn waiting room, surrounded by swollen bellies. Torture, I tell you. So now I'm with a doc who has a more varied practice, although it's in the same giant OB/Gyn group that half the city goes to.

And it was all going very well. I managed to squeeze my lengthy Gyn history since my last visit into the very small space provided on the form. They called me back to the exam room quickly, and the doc seemed nice. And then she asked about the fertility stuff and if I was OK with stopping the treatment. And big old toughie that I am, who is all "evolved" and "at peace" with ending my IVF career...I couldn't answer. My voice cracked, my eyes instantly filled with tears and I stuttered and spluttered. To which she looked suitably panicked and said quickly "well, I mean, you're accepting of ending it?" Yes, yes, I accept it. I accept that my eggs are crap. I accept that I have finished treatment. But it appears that I am not OK with it. Still. I still wish it had just fucking worked, and I wonder how it can be that it works for other people but not for me. We briefly talked about adoption, she said that that was great, and moved on to how I need to get a yearly mammogram now that I have hit the big four-oh. Then she did the exam and off she went.

I got back to my car and had a little cry. Damn. I guess this is going to be a very long, drawn out process. Maybe the holidays have made me wistful. Or maybe I'm just not as OK with everything as I thought I was.

I made my mammogram appointment, though. I suppose I really am a big kid now. Too old to have babies, old enough to have to get mammograms and have high cholesterol. Sigh.

Happy New Year!

Does celebrating the New Year on January 1st seem completely arbitrary to anyone else? Particularly midnight on January 1st? I mean, how often is midnight actually the middle of the night if you don't live on the equator? Also, what on earth is January 1st connected to? It's just some arbitrary date and time, it seems.  I have been nurturing such thoughts for years, and stopped celebrating at midnight, preferring instead to get up and see the dawn. But it seems to me that the new year really begins today, after the solstice, after the longest night of the year, so now I'm inclined to stop celebrating New Year on January 1st at all, apart from acknowledging that it's the start of the new calendar year. Or something.

As I want to get (even) more in tune with my crunchy granola side, I've been looking to ways to celebrate the solstices more. So I now put up my "Christmas" decorations on December 21st, which I did yesterday. I mean, I do celebrate Christmas with the family. I do go to church then. I was raised Christian and at various times have tried to be a good Christian. But when push comes to shove, I just don't believe a lot of it and the older I get the less inclined I am to try, preferring instead to concentrate on Buddhism and other teachings. Not that I won't celebrate and give thanks for Christ's birth, being as he was a great spiritual teacher - I just don't think he was all that different from Buddha or Mohammed in the grand scheme of things (it's the whole "only son of God" and virgin birth thing I have a problem with, oh, and the Easter thing, not the underlying message of his teachings). AND, he wasn't really born on December 25th, was he? The Christians just co-opted the old pagan winter solstice celebrations and moved 'em a few days. Where was I? Oh yes, so really my decorations are winter solstice/Christmas decorations. So that's when I put them up, to light up the longest night of the year. I'm trying to make it my official start of my holidays, which, yes, will encompass Christmas and New Year's Day, but I think a 2-week period starting on the solstice is a good time period.

Which brings me neatly to New Year's Resolutions. I love me some resolutions. I love that feeling of renewal, of promising to be a better person, of taking some time to reflect and see what it is that I really should be doing better in my life. Not that I always follow through and complete them, but at least I spend some time thinking.  And I have decided that if I'm moving my New Year celebration to December 22nd, and kicking off the holidays now, then today is a good time to formally start my New Year's Resolutions too (I often start them early anyway, as soon as I think of what it is that I want to do). Not that I won't overeat and overdrink on Christmas day, you understand!

Thusly -

I resolve this coming year to:

1. Floss. At least 6 days a week. Over the last couple of years I've got my flossing up from non-existent to sporadic to semi-regular. Now I want to elevate it to a not-to-be-missed every day routine. So far I am up to a week straight of doing it every morning.

2. Walk. At least 6 days a week, for at least 30 minutes. This year has been my worst for exercise. The exercise started going downhill with IVF cycles, and then just continued sliding, with occasional bursts of remorseful over-exertion coupled with various ankle and/or back pain issues. But I must get back to consistent, regular, moderate exercise, which I can use as a baseline for more if I want to, but I must not allow myself to do less. I've walked for 3 days so far since starting this resolution.

3. Eat more mindfully. My weight is an ever present concern. And although this year I didn't manage to lose weight, I do feel that in the last half of the year I have slowly got more in touch with eating healthily. I mean, my diet is and always has been mostly healthy. I just eat way too much, and blow it on a regular basis by giving in to chocolate, chips, ice cream, pizza and/or booze.  So I need to celebrate the good parts while being mindful about keeping the indulgences to a minimum, rather than being all "woe is me, I'm such a failure with my diet, I must lose 50 lbs by spring."

4. Do more yoga. Back in the day, many many years ago, I was a bendy yogini. And then I moved, and couldn't find a good class or teacher in the new city, and moved again. Ditto. And again. And still could never find anything I was happy with. And I stiffened up, got fat and got lazy. I really want to get back to a regular yoga practice. I've been looking hard for something suitable and finally found that my local studio (which I'd stopped going to because of time and money issues in addition to laziness issues) is now offering a Friday night $5 one hour class. It'll be a bitch to get to it at 5.30 as it'll mean leaving work early but I really want to do it. The class is with student yoga teachers, and they want you to give feedback to help them learn. I guess it won't be every single week, but I have got to make the effort to get to this as often as it is held, especially as their normal classes are $20, and that's too spendy for me these days.

5. Review, revise and renew my resolutions every solstice. This gives me four times a year to keep myself on track, not just once.

6. Be more social.

7. Meditate. Err, not sure how I'm going to fit this one in, but I'm putting it out there as a goal.

Do you do resolutions? Got any thoughts for this year? Anyway, Happy winter, one and all. I hope those of you up north are keeping warm.

The fatness of her catness

I took the gatito (gatita?) for her yearly check up at the vets yesterday. And they spent most of the time telling me how fat she is. But, but, but..., thinks I, she was just as fat last year. And the year before that too. Actually, she's a little bit thinner than last year, having lost 0.35 pounds thanks to my half-hearted dieting efforts. I thought I deserved a pat on the back for that, but no, they tell me she needs to lose 3 more pounds. Sigh. So they took lots of blood with dire warnings about diabetes and kidney failure, and how she's a geriatric now so I have to be extra careful. And they said she has bad teeth so I have to take her in for a teeth cleaning in the new year.

I exaggerate, actually. They were and are lovely, and I really like everyone there.  And they're right - she is fat. Thing is, she was 7 when I got her, and was enormous then, and I felt like with the shock of changing families it wasn't right for me to make her lose weight too quickly. She's lost nearly 2 pounds since I've had her, but OK, I've had her for 6 years and I could have done a lot better.  1.5 pounds was probably lost in her first year with me, so I've clearly been slacking for the last 5 years. And they probably did mention the fatness last year, but I've probably glossed over it in my mind.

So Miss Kitteh is now on Atkins, per the vet's instructions. No more dry food, and no leaving food out for her. Not quite sure how this will work with my new crazy school schedule, but I guess it will just have to. We will just have to diet together, even if she complains bitterly. Incidentally, when I made that feeble little joke to the vet, he recommended Atkins for me too. Except when I said I was a vegetarian he just said "oh! It will be very hard for you to lose weight then." Ass. It's a good thing he's super nice generally, cute, and great with the animals, otherwise I wouldn't put up with it.

Yay me

Guess who's on the President's List of the local CC? Little ole me. 4.0, baby, 4.0.

In other news, I have decided that I will skip the adoption classes for this semester. I think I need time to adjust to the new school schedule and it will be too hard if I am taking up another night with a different class, even if I find one that is not on a Tuesday. I'm going to try to find one for next semester instead. And who knows, maybe if I get my request in early enough, perhaps the adoption agency will listen and run one on a Monday night instead.

The interview

I went with the dress. See, it is a jersey knit and has pockets which probably wasn't obvious from the previous link, so wasn't quite as fancy as all that. And I always intended to wear it with a camisole so it wouldn't be too revealing. But I decided on a grey camisole rather than a black one, for a bit of visual interest.  Anyway, I thought the outfit was the right pick for the day and I felt confident in it.

The interview went well. It was with two Chinese ladies, the Dean and someone whose position I didn't quite catch. They pored over my embarrassing transcript from my Bachelor's degree.  "What this? 40C? What this mean? It's a C?" "Uh, no, it's a compensated pass, meaning I failed that course but gained enough in other courses to get the bare pass grade of 40. This one at 53 is a C. But look! That one's an A! See, over 70 is an A, that's an 84!"  I felt like I was doing the "Look! Puppies!" thing, but really, that transcript is from another age. It's not me any more. But they didn't really care in the end. They even said I didn't need to have done quite so many Community College classes - yeah, thanks for letting me know that now. We talked a bit about acu, my current job, immigration, the school, etc. They seemed to like me and at the end of the interview said "How can we not offer you a place? Congratulations!"

Then I sat with the admissions lady, and went over a lot of the stuff I missed from orientation. Including going off to try on various sizes of scrubs, as I have to wear school scrubs every day. But I'll be attending 4 days a week and they only give you 3 sets of scrubs (+ 2 lab coats).  I felt like going "ewwww, stinky" but I guess it's 2 eight-hour days and 2 four-hour days so I can just wear the same scrubs for the shorter sessions if I really can't get my act together enough to do laundry that often.  I should have asked for another set of scrubs, but she kept going on about liking to do everyone's order together and how she has a system, so I kept my mouth shut. She has a system over ordering the books too which I didn't quite get, but essentially I'm supposed to turn up early on day 1 and pick them all up. I think. Something like that, anyway. And the parking pass. And the library pass. And, and, and. Too many things to keep up with.

Strangely they didn't want any money. I kept asking if they were sure, but she said they charge everything to my student account and then it's my job to keep up with payments. Hmmm. I never got to talk to the finance lady because I'm not taking a loan so I think there was probably more to it than that, although they seem laid back about the whole thing so I'm sure if I do something wrong they'll cut me some slack.

The school was a bit shabby, but they stressed how they are a non-profit school and they charge the lowest tuition in the area, because they want to keep things affordable. So a bit of shabbiness is to be expected, I guess. But it was a nice atmosphere. There were a few students wandering around, using the library, etc, and they all looked friendly. I think I'm going to enjoy it!

Dang

Just realized that the CC grades aren't going to be available until Friday, not tomorrow as I'd been erroneously thinking all along. So I called the acu school to see if this will be a problem. The admissions lady said I could change my interview to next week if I'd like. 

Says I: "Ah, no, I'd prefer to do it tomorrow if possible, seeing as everything is arranged, but if you need my grades, then it'd be no problem to switch."  

Says she: "Well, I'll have to check with the Dean, but if you'd like to switch, then we can." 

"Um, no, like I said, I'd prefer to come tomorrow if possible." 

"Well, we can switch it to Tuesday if you'd like." 

"You know? I think I'd prefer to come tomorrow, but why don't you check with the Dean, and if he really needs to see the grades, we can switch the appointment, but if he doesn't, maybe we could leave it as is?" 

"OK, I'll check and call you back."

Que?

Done!

Le Community College est fini!

I am fairly confident regarding my grades, which will be out on Thursday. Let's just say that the English teacher whispered as I handed in my exam today: "Thank you for taking this class. It's so nice to teach someone with a brain."  I could have kissed him. Community College rocks when you're an adult.

Onwards and upwards...

Cholesto-rama

Got my cholesterol down from 251 to 234 in 4 weeks. Yay me. There's lots more I can be doing, so I am going to try to step it up even more to try really hard to get it under 200.

I guess this proves that the dairy really is what was doing it, not the IVF meds. I haven't completely given up dairy and eggs, just cut way back. I suppose when I was thinner my body was more tolerant of high fat dairy, but now I'm chunkier it reacts more.

Except...I just checked my old posts, and my lowest cholesterol level recently was while I was following the full fat dairy infertility diet, with cream-on-the-top milk and yogurt. Am confused.

Things always look better in the morning

Although I had a long, depressed nap yesterday, it didn't make me feel any better. I just felt very deflated and defeated, like I was not going to ever manage to adopt an infant.  But I want to thank you for your comments, particularly the one referring me to WACAP (thanks Hedgetoad!).  Because after a night of sleep, things are looking better.

It's just that that room took me right back to the pain of infertility. There were 3 white couples. All of a certain age. All looking beaten down. All of a type that is so familiar from RE waiting rooms all over the country - the ones like me who have watched all the pert young IVF patients get pregnant, and have been left crying and broke. I knew they'd all tried and failed to have kids, maybe even if they hadn't done IVF, they all looked beaten down. The woman next to me was bubbly and the only one that didn't give off a depressed energy. She was on her own so I initially thought she was single like me, but when we all had to fill in a sign-in sheet, she put a spouse's name down so I guess he just couldn't go. I don't know, of course, but I got the impression that she was doing this to help the poor kiddies. She was African-American and, I don't know, maybe she was doing her Christian duty or something. All just impressions, of course, but the energy coming off her was so different I just didn't think she had been through infertility. Then there was another woman on her own, but she was in the wrong place - she had her niece and nephew and wanted to adopt them, but had already done the parenting class, etc. She didn't appear too bright.  Anyway, there was that IVF-waiting room contrast thing going on - the depressed ones and the not-so-depressed ones. The desperate and the excited. And it just took me back to all the feelings of failure, and wondering why it is so damn difficult.

Anyhoo, the WACAP African-American infant program arranges private adoptions for $10-$13k. Which is a lot cheaper than other private adoptions (although it is depressing that those children are not as valued, which is a sad reflection on us as a society, but we won't go there today). So it helped me see that I do have an alternative even though the stock market tanking has wiped out a good chunk of my savings. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured I didn't want to do it right now because of the crazy school/work schedule. So I am going to hold that in reserve as my option for if this adopting from the state lark doesn't work out. It'll be my talisman when things are looking bleak - that I can pursue that as soon as I am done with school, and have a baby (hopefully) within a year. I'll be 44 probably by then - hopefully I'll still have enough energy to keep up with a small child!

So, given that my schedule is not ideal right now anyway, why not forge ahead with my initial plan of trying to hold out for a safe haven newborn even if the wait is 2-3 years. In fact, I prefer a long wait, so I shouldn't let the adoption ladies put me off. They are doing their job, trying to steer everyone to the older kids and I shouldn't let myself get completely depressed when they make the chances of what I want to do look so bleak. AND I can use the home study and the MAPP classes (or can update the home study easier later on) for if I bail out and pursue another avenue of adoption.

Right, so first thing I have to do is call the adoption agency and ask them about the possibility of newborn adoption. And stand firm even when they try to put me off. Then I have to call each of the 10 or so different fostering and private adoption agencies that run the parenting classes, to find one that has them on a Monday night. And if nobody does, then I'll just have to go back to the adoption agency and figure something out, like paying for private classes or something.

Vomitous

I want to vomit.

I want to drink myself into oblivion.

I want to just...stop life and get off it for a little bit.

I want...I don't know what I want, but it's not this.

I went to the adoption orientation. There was a lady from the adoption-only agency, and a lady from the foster agency. It seems that since privatization there is now an alphabet soup of different agencies. The adoption-only lady said that the children available to be adopted are usually above the age of 8, and have issues such as behavioral issues, health issues, whatever. Because the children available in the adoption program have already been offered to their foster parents and to their relatives and weren't wanted. 

Then the foster lady told us about being foster parents, and how we can sometimes adopt from that, but their big goal is to get the children back to their parents. But if we do do that, as foster parents we'd get second refusal on adopting the children in our care (first refusal going to relatives).

I tried asking about adopting a child under 8 - do they come up in the adoption-only agency, or do we have to do foster parenting if we want an infant. And she said that with foster care it might take 3 or 4 placements before we are allowed to adopt, because those 3 or 4 might all go back to their parents or we might get lucky and our first placement might become available for adoption. 

I'm completely confused. I don't know what agency I'm supposed to go with, what I'm supposed to do. They said all the questions would be answered in the 10-week parenting course we're supposed to do. And at that point we can specify if we only want babies, or toddlers, or school-age children. But then they said that we should try to go to the course that is being run at the agency that we want to sign up with, because we'll develop a relationship with the people there. But if you don't know which agency to go with, how do you pick which class to go to?  They kept saying that the syllabus is the same, but they cover slightly different things, so we could go to a different agency's classes but we should try not to.  WTF?

Except that both of these two agencies run their courses on Tuesday nights. I asked what if we couldn't make Tuesday night, could we do the course elsewhere? And they said of course if there's a night we couldn't make we could do that week's class elsewhere. I was like "no, what if we can't make ANY Tuesday night, doesn't anyone have classes on another night?" The woman next to me nodded, saying "I work on Tuesday nights." The two ladies didn't seem to answer that. 

They gave us a lot of information, and none of it really answered what I wanted to know. I know they have a duty to try to steer us towards the teens and school-age kids. I know those kids really need care, I know. But I just felt flattened.

I just don't know any more. I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I can't get to a class on Tuesday night because I'll be at acu school probably. I don't know if I'm supposed to sign up with the adoption agency and ask for newborns but if they never have them then am I supposed to sign up with the foster agency?  I suppose I should call them and try to speak to someone but the orientation was supposed to answer those questions, and it didn't.

I came out of there wanting to hurl.

Baracko

By the way, does anyone watch/listen to the BBC news? They seem convinced that our president-elect is some guy named Baracko Bama. It has a nice alliterative ring to it, I guess.

Tomowwow

Too-ooh-mowwow, tomowwow, I wuv ya, tomowwow, you're only a daaaaay aahhh-waaaaaay.

That's my best Annie imitation.

The adoption orientation is in the morning. I will finally be setting foot on that path. After 4+ years I will finally be moving on. I will be taking the first concrete step toward the rest of my life. Not that my life will be any different when I walk out the door after the orientation, but at least I'll have some more information. Little by little, I'll make it happen somehow.

Perverse delights

Do you shop at CVS? Specifically, do you shop for razor blades at CVS? Are not the plastic security thingies that are supposed to prevent you from stealing the oh-so-valuable razors the most ridunkulous things you have ever come across? Or perhaps your CVS trusts you not to swipe the valuables so you know not of which I speak?

I used to get annoyed at these things. You have to press the button under the type of razor you want, wait for the little clockwork toy windy thing to push it upwards, and then you have to pull on the drawer thing to gain access. It takes for-evah. And what inevitably happens? The clockwork thing starts wheezing like a geriatric on speed, and the razor blade cartridge gets stuck. And hence does not dispense into the drawer. Oh, boy, did this used to annoy me. I'd huff and puff, and sometimes I'd stalk off in a huff, intending to buy my razors elsewhere. Except of course that elsewhere like at the supermarket they don't have the razors in logical places so I would invariably forget, and end up slinking back into CVS several weeks later all stubbly legged from trying to shave for far too long with the same blunt blade. And the second time around, when the razor draw thing didn't work, I'd slink over to the cashier and ask ever so nicely for help.

I assumed that CVS would quickly realize the error of its ways and replace these foul apparatuses. But no, they've had the damn things for years. And they still. don't. fucking. work. Evah.

Fucking fucktards with their fucking defective equipment.

So, these days, I have to admit that I take a perverse delight in fucking the things up. I go in, jab at the buttons, yank at the drawer a few times until several of them get well and truly jammed and stomp over to the cash register demanding help, all the while loudly muttering about the damn drawers being the worst damn piece of retail equipment I have ever come across. And if I can get the manager to help me, so much the better so that he can hear my tirade rather than wasting it on the mere assistants.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. But they deserved it, I promise.

The plan

On the interview outfit:

I am going to put together about 3 outfits, ranging from formal (the dress) to casual, cute and sassy, make sure they are ALL clean and ironed, and decide on the day which makes me feel more confident. To which end I have decided to go jeans shopping on Saturday. Eeek! I hate jeans shopping with a passion, but it'll be worth it to have a nice pair that fits.

On the adoption fun:

The adoption orientation is this Saturday too. I am convincing myself again that it is pointless to even put myself on the list this year because I can't possibly adopt while at school. Which is stupid, as of course I'd take a maternity leave for the first semester and I'd figure out the work/school situation somehow. I can work from home if necessary with just an occasional trip to the office, so I'm sure it would be doable. Somehow. Except, the panic level rises up again and makes me wonder what the hell I have been thinking.

Oh well, first things first. Go to the orientation. It might even take me a year to be able to attend the parenting course because it might not be at times that I can make. So I might not go on the list for a while and then who knows how long it'll take to get to the top of the list of the people that are waiting for a healthy infant.

Oh, and anyone watch House yesterday? Cuddy's lawyer says it is easy - become a foster parent and adopt new baby left by dying teenager... so it must be easy in real life, right?

The Po-Po

I did my first two final exams today for community college. And then I had to go to Art Appreciation, to listen to the most annoying professor in the history of the world drone on about god knows what. And I found myself daydreaming in class about drinking whiskey. I'm not a big liquor drinker, being more of a red wine chugger. In fact, I have liquor bottles left over from a party that I gave about 5 years ago still sitting in the cabinet. The only liquor I have from time to time is whiskey, and then usually when I've got a cold and want to make a hot toddy. 

It is not normal for me, but as I've thought a few times over the last few weeks how nice a tot of whiskey would be, I thought I may as well go and buy a bottle and treat myself to a wee dram. See, unlike with wine where one glass makes me want to drink the whole bottle, one glass of whiskey is usually more than enough.  So, especially given the stress of exams and listening to idiots that I've suffered today, I thought I deserved it. So I did it, I bought a bottle on the way back. And I get home at 5pm and fix myself a drink. And scarfed it down. 

Then, as I'm sitting surfing at about 5.30, feeling nicely and somewhat naughtily buzzed, the po-po turn up outside.  And two officers get out of the squad car and start walking to the neighbors house. Where there are two other squad cars and four officers standing around that I hadn't even noticed. We've had a spate of burglaries so I thought maybe their alarm went off, although I didn't hear it so maybe it's a silent alarm. Then all six police officers draw their guns and go off to check out my neighbors house. I start having palpitations about having to explain to them with whiskey sodden breath that I was home but heard nothing. Not to mention the whole thing about OMG there are men with fucking guns drawn at the fucking neighbors house issue. I pictured the reputation I was about to get as the neighborhood drunk when I started jabbering in fright if the police guys asked me any questions.

Luckily, it appeared to be a false alarm. The police checked the place out, the neighbors zoomed home all aflutter, and everything calmed down. And nobody asked me for my opinion on anything.

But isn't that always the way? The one time you treat yourself and do some slightly risque is the one time that you might have to interact with the authorities...

[And I have the results back of one of the exams I did today. The result? Totally aced it...]

The interview outfit

Oh, if only I knew how to do polls.

Picture this: acupuncture school. Cool looking, slightly chunky girl turns up for interview (perhaps a teensy bit intimidated with thoughts that acupuncturists are supposed to be skinny and project an aura of being 100% healthy). What should she be dressed in to make the best impression? Obviously, it's a college, so one doesn't want to go all out formal, and yet it's respectful to dress nicely to any interview situation. And one wants to show a little creativity in the outfit because we're not talking law school here, so nothing too corporate.

I have a nice black dress that hasn't been worn yet (I got it using a birthday gift card to wear to my company's holiday party that is now canceled). I have the necessary spanx to go with. I also just acquired some killer red shoes that I happen to be wearing today also.

What do you think? I would wear it with a cute cardigan, of course (not a jacket, as that'd be way too formal). But I can't decide on the color of the cardigan - I have teal, bright pink, orange, or a multicolored floral one that includes some red to match the shoes but which has a base color of ecru/cream. I may have a blue one somewhere around. And of course black and grey, but they seem too somber when I want to make it a bit more fun. I'm thinking the floral one is good. Unless I should go out and buy a different cardie? I'll probably have a light green handbag, as featured here.

Is it too formal? And yes, I'm deliberately going for lots of colors to make the outfit more fun. I think the cardigan is key to that, so definitely not a black cardigan. The outfit's got to be functional, as I may be touring the campus, etc. The shoes are definitely ones I can walk in. Should I be in pants instead? The only problem being that all my pants are getting a bit worn out, and I'd rather not buy new right now, in the hope that I will finally drop a size at some point. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet, and get some nice looking jeans that I could wear with the killer red shoes? Maybe jeans dressed up with the cute cardigan and the killer shoes would be smart enough?

ETA: Ooh, actually, I have some casual-ish light grey pants that also haven't been worn yet (sale bargain that I need to be ~5lbs thinner to wear) - maybe I should try them on with the spanx to see if they look OK with everything sucked in. AND try to lose a couple pounds before the interview so I'm not in danger of camel toe issues.

Advice, please, innernets.

Organization

Are you one of those people, like me, who gets insanely busy every now and then, and thinks "I must simply have a beautifully planned and operational To Do list right now, this minute, otherwise I shall forget the 6 million things running around my head that I must absolutely not forget." Or something. 

It seems that, over the years, I have tried so many different ways of organizing myself, and each one gets taken up with enthusiasm and then dropped when I get a teensy bit less busy. But I've been seriously spazzing lately, and fretting over my final exams at community college, and then about real school, which is coming up quickly. So I spent a little bit of time yesterday perusing planners, and I couldn't find any that I liked. The electronic ones I have used haven't worked so well, because they all seemed designed for people who have umpteen appointments every day, rather than someone that has umpteen things to do, some of which have drop-dead deadlines, some of which really should get done and some of which can be allowed to slide in a pinch (usually the ones involving cleaning the house). Some of the task lists I have used even stop showing the task once you have gone past the deadline. I mean, hello? If I haven't completed it, it needs to stay on the top of the list, not just slink away pretending that it's all just fine if I never do it.

Gah. So I finally spent some time Googling, and found a free internet based task list that looks good, and that I can access from my B-berry. But I am not expecting miracles (although if it works well, I'll post a link/recommendation). However, as a fallback position in case I hate it, if you currently use a good organizer program or even old-fashioned paper based planner that is designed for busy procrastinators and you absolutely love it, let me know in the comments!

The adoption packet arrived in the mail!

Finally! It's been weeks and I was about to call and inquire if they forgot about me.

Except it wasn't an adoption packet, it was a foster care packet. Saying all about how there's a really desperate need for foster families for teens.  Uh, yeah, I know, but I'm sorry, I don't have the ability to do that at this point in my life.

But, I did manage to glean from it that a) the orientations are walk-ins, no pre-registration is needed, b) there's only one county agency that is listed as being for adoptions (which I figured out from the state website), and c) there's only one orientation in December that's listed as being for adoptions (which I also figured out from the state website).

So, I did learn something new, and now know that I can just turn up to the orientation on the assigned day and find out more.  Which is a week tomorrow, by the way.

Photo Friday

In honor of the newly resurrected Photo Friday over at Creating Motherhood, here are some photos on the theme of old Holiday pics.

First, the obligatory gift opening shot. This is early January 1975, with my Granny. We usually did a secondary Christmas some time around New Year with my mother's parents, having done real Christmas on the correct day with my father's parents. I'm not quite sure why my brother looks like the butler here, or perhaps little lord Fauntleroy, depending on your viewpoint. Note the delightful fashions. Yes, that's a long nightie I'm wearing. I particularly like the clash between bro's pj's and robe. Stylin'. And, yes, we were posing. And quite convinced that whatever Granny got us would be worthy and boring, and really not worth having. That's why we hadn't just ripped all the wrapping paper off, and instead looked all restrained and polite.

Next is me posing the next day, with my favorite toy of the moment, Sindy. See how I wanted to match Sindy's long party dress with my long party dress. God, I loved Sindy. She was the cheap, British version of Barbie. But she had dark hair. And, OMG, looked justlikeme! I'm pretty sure I got Sindy at "real Christmas" not "boring Granny Christmas" because Sindy is not something that Granny would probably have thought worthy. Actually, she probably got me the party dress...




















And wouldya just look at all those antiques waiting to be knocked over or broken. Visits to Granny's were always fraught occasions as my parents would try to stop us rampaging around and breaking things, Granny would almost faint with fright at the thought of damage to things, and we were usually kind of pissed off at being scolded so much. Luckily, Granny mellowed a lot in her later years!

Interview Schminterview

I got a call from the acu school. They wanted to know how community college was going, and when I would be able to supply the transcript. So I told them when I'd be able to print out an unofficial transcript (the 18th) and that I'd order an official transcript the same day but it'd probably take a little while to get to them.

So they said I have to have an interview, which they initially suggested for Dec. 23rd, and then we decided that I could go on the 18th, with my printed-out unofficial transcript in hand, because the earlier the better. All fine and dandy, except they've had months in which to arrange an interview. I mean, did they really need to wait for this transcript? Did they really think I wouldn't be able to pass a few community college courses? I guess maybe they did. Anyhoo, it's not like it's Harvard Law or anything where there's a risk of them not letting me in because I'm not impressive enough. So I doubt if the interview will be anything more than a quick "so why do you want to study acupuncture?" session. And maybe a "how will you be paying us?" session.

But then the lady said that because I'll have missed the orientation, I'll have to stay for a couple of hours so they can go over everything with me and have me complete lots of forms, etc. But again, wtf? They've known I was coming for months. They couldn't let me go to orientation with everyone else and leave a couple of forms pending for when they got my community college transcript?

Urgh. I am more irritated by this than I have any rational right to be. It's not like anything will be really delayed in the end. But there's something about it that just tickles my annoyment bone.

AND the adoption lady hasn't called me back, and I am impatient about that. I guess I will leave her another message about the adoption orientation.

Shop till your fingers bleed

I am bad.

No, wait, I am supporting the economy.

You know how today is Cyber Monday, when we're all supposed to shop madly online? Yeah, well, I'm a big online shopper. And today my inbox was crowded with special offers and special coupons and all sorts of tempting things. So while I came in to work this morning determined to resist, my resolve has been slipping the longer the day has worn on, and I started shopping. Of course, the sensible thing would be to do my Christmas shopping, and in fact on my first shopping expedition today, I did just that. Plus a little stocking stuffer for moi. But I have degenerated to shopping purely for myself and seem to be finding all sorts of little treats that I just have to have while they're 20% off. And oh, if I buy just one more thing, I can qualify for free shipping...

Damn it, I'm supposed to be being frugal!