Huh

I realized this morning that I might have suddenly come to a decision on future motherhood. All of a sudden I have this peace about one particular course of action, and it seems like the right thing to do.

Haha, maybe you did me a favor, Anonymous*. Maybe my unconscious was working on all of this while I slept, following your nudging. Which makes me assume that my unconscious brain obviously responds better to bullying and insults than my conscious brain does. Or maybe it's been percolating all along - I knew I would come to a decision at some point soon, and that it was only a matter of time.

I'm not going to say what it is, as I want to sit with the decision on my own, at least over the weekend. I want to roll it around, try it on mentally for size and all those other things.



*I'm still going to delete your comments though, so don't bother posting a self-congratulatory essay or anything.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to. Or not.

Anonymous thinks that I like my friends, and don't like House because I only want people to feed into my pity party that has been going on for years.

Actually, I think you'll find very little self pitying on this blog. Sure, there's some. I defy anyone to go through the hell of infertility and not feel sorry for themselves now and again. But pity party? Please. I think I've done pretty damn well at accepting my lot in life. Just because I don't know if I want to do DE doesn't mean that I'm delusional or wallowing in self-pity about anything.

Then she/he wants to know how many years I'm willing to devote to this ambivalence while my life ticks away. Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly wasting my life. I'm far too busy right now to want to plan to deal with a baby on my own. Busy because I am out there doing things. You know, living my life. In fact, in my post about ambivalence I stated that it was probably because I was too busy doing other things. As in, "due to," "as a consequence of," and such other meanings.  See, Anonymous, I actually take charge of my own life, and make decisions that suit me. I take full responsibility for those decisions, and yes, some of them take a while for me to make. But each decision is carefully thought out. That's not to say I don't do things spontaneously or don't ever take risks. I have probably taken way more risks and made more momentous changes in my life than you could ever imagine. Lemme see, have you been to Vladivostock, Anonymous? Been in the pyramids? Done business in Mumbai? Hiked a glacier? Moved to a different continent? Gone out of a plane on the emergency slide? Been evacuated out of a country during a terrorist incident? Gone around the world? Changed your career? Hung out in Borneo? Said a prayer at the peace park in Hiroshima? Aced the Mensa test? Sailed a small yacht through a ferocious storm at night-time? Day-tripped to Paris to do some shopping? I have. I think I can safely say that I do not waste my life, letting it tick away waiting for things to happen. While my quest for a child is what this blog is all about, don't imagine that it's the only thing that I'm about.

Anonymous tells me that the real friend, the real supporter, the genuinely caring person tells it like it is. Ah, but this is where Anonymous is sadly mistaken thinking that he/she IS that person, that she/he knows what "it" is. You are not, and you do not. You don't know anything about me because you choose to put your own spin on everything that I say.  As an illustration, Anonymous, you use a funny little example about how I want to be encouraged in my dream to be an astrophysicist even though I've been abysmal in science and math. Implying that I want encouragement in things that are unattainable. Well, I have to admit that that particular example made me chortle. Let's just say that I am pretty safe in assuming that only one of us has actually studied interstellar matter and galactic dynamics.  OK, I'll grant you that my singing voice may be like William Hung, but no, I wouldn't expect anyone to encourage me in wanting to sing opera. I do not sit around and wait for encouragement to do unattainable things. If I want something I go ahead and try. And if I fail, I take it on the chin.

Anonymous thinks I should be grateful that she/he is my real friend and is steering me away from a path that will never yield fruit. Well, Anonymous, where are all the false friends who are trying to push me down the path to do another IVF with my own eggs? I see precisely zero of them. My real friends would support me if I wanted to do that. They would support me if I wanted to do home insems. They know as well as I do that nobody can truly predict when every single last egg that you possess is defunct, unless you're actually in menopause. They know as well as I do that you can never say that someone in my situation will never conceive naturally. They would also support me if I choose donor eggs or adoption. I have several DE mom friends, who tell me how happy they are and how they know I would be happy too if I did that. But they also know that I will make the right decision for me when the time comes.  The difference is that none of my real friends are pushing an agenda on me. None of them believes in motherhood at all costs, but for the right solution for me and my future kid.

Did I not enjoy House this week because I only want to hear the good things, to hear things that will buy in to my own personal delusions? No, I didn't enjoy it because he was saying vile things like "second-hand children" and other such hurtful and inappropriate nonsense. Nonsense similar to that which you spew, Anonymous.

I trust that at some point you will come to know the error of your ways. I hope it will be in this lifetime, but sadly I don't think it will be.

I told you to eff off. Now do it. Your last comment is the last one that will remain on this blog. All future comments like that will be deleted. I've resisted deleting comments up to now because you were mildly amusing for a while but you've become a stuck record.

TV time

Did anyone watch House last night? Cuddy was about to adopt as an SMC and House just spent the entire episode saying vile things to her about adoption, being an SMC, raising kids, working mothers. Everything. Bleh. I know it's only for dramatic effect, and we all know House is supposed to be a pretty vile character, but some of the attacks stung.

And then the adoption failed, and she said she couldn't go through with it again so House called her a quitter, like she quit IVF. Hmmm. Thanks dude. Sometimes it takes courage to try and then to know when to quit.

Well, I suppose I should be happy that at least a TV show is being somewhat realistic about fertility treatments and how difficult it is to become a mother the non-traditional way. At least one show is showing that it doesn't always work and sometimes we're left with nothing, and that sometimes it hurts too much to keep going.

But it all kind of depressed me seeing as I really haven't watched much TV at all lately - this is perhaps the second show I've watched in over a month, apart from the occasional news program, so it was a bit much to take. Oh, and the other show? Yeah, the main character got pregnant in that one. So I'm batting two for two of themes I didn't really want in my hour of escapism.

**************************************

p.s. to Anonymous - I'm glad I've finally made you happy. Now eff off.

Swirling

Sigh. We had major computer issues at work yesterday, so I gave up and went home. And I came all the way in today to find that the computer issues are not fixed. But hey, they sent an email to tell us that the email is not working! Except, mine seems to be working sporadically, but not the document saving or accessing part. Hey ho. My boss will no doubt continue to be pissed at me, but I will try to take some stuff home and work on it there.

*************************

I have been having all sorts of thoughts swirling in my head about motherhood, and plowing on with the TTC'ing stuff. And I have been reluctant to post because, well, they're not fully formed thoughts. And I don't want people jumping down my throat at something I say (or don't say) when I don't even really know what I mean myself. Does that make any sense at all?

Like, example:

I have been thinking lately that I don't want to be a single mother by choice. That I only want to have a kid if I have a partner in tow, to help with it all. And then I wonder if I was always ambivalent and if my very ambivalence helped to prevent me from conceiving (in addition to the crap eggs, you understand). But then I think that that thought is not true. I don't want to be a single mother by choice right now. My life is too crazy with the whole going back to college and changing career business. Right now, it would be damn hard, although I could probably cope with a child if I had a partner along to help and/or the housing market picked up so I could sell my house and move close to the college and/or I didn't work so many damn hours and/or many other things. But I'm sure that once I have completed college and got my life a little bit settled again, things will change, and I will once again go back to wanting to be a mother either with or without a partner.

So because of all of that, the chances of me doing any home insems is getting smaller by the day. The chances of me doing anything at all get smaller by the day. But then I think I should still get myself on a waiting list or two. I mean, if it takes years to be able to adopt a baby from the state, why not waste those years at a time when I don't think I have the time to spare to look after a baby anyway. However, in order to get on a waiting list, you've got to make your mind up which waiting list you want to get on, and I'm still not really decided on donor embryo or adoption. Or anything really. And even then, how is a home study going to look if I am never at home, don't earn much money and am a full time student? Will they be accepting of promises that in a year or two things will improve for the better? Or is it just pointless to do a home study without a steady job? So I feel like I am frozen in place. Not doing, not deciding, not even wanting to think about it all. And the longer it goes on, the more I get used to the idea of just remaining childless and putting my energies into something else.

Brag

We have to take our English essays to the college writing lab to get them reviewed and commented on at least twice before handing them in. So I toddled off there today at lunchtime, to get my final review done of the current essay I am working on. I admit, I am kinda proud of this one, as I have reworked it carefully, taking out wordy sentences, editing to the bone to make it snappy, and generally using all sorts of proper grammar and punctuation. I have even risen to the heady heights of using three semicolons!

Today there were no writing tutors available, but my English prof. was there, so I took it over to him to do the review. He read it in silence, then put the paper down, raised his eyebrows, let out a big sigh and turned to me with a serious look on his face. I immediately started worrying that something was wrong. "You really don't need this class, do you?" says he. He said he spotted one place where a comma was missing, but he wasn't going to tell me where it was - he said to spend a short time at the weekend reviewing it one last time, and if I felt like doing a final edit, I could, but if not, it wouldn't matter. I met him later on as I came out of the library, and he told me it was so pleasant having a good student in the class. Then bizarrely asked me if I could tickle trout. To which I replied "errr, that'd be a no." "Ah," says he "you're not perfect yet, then."

Arrr. Community college is good for the soul.

Of course, my boss is seriously pissed off with me because I am behind on my real work, so life is not all rosy. Well, you know, that, and I'm barren, single and old, but that goes without saying. Still, it's nice to be patted on the back for something.

Pride

I'm proud of my little school for hosting  a big event today.

I'm proud that a phenomenal candidate like Barack Obama is running for president - someone who is intelligent, articulate, thinks through the issues and seems to really get that we need something drastically different. Whether he can deliver on that is another matter, of course, but hopefully he will get the chance.

The line to get in snaked through the campus, and was extremely slow moving. There were some McCain supporters with signs outside, but they were outnumbered 5 to about 3,000 so they didn't exactly achieve much. There were t-shirt sellers, and button sellers and all sorts of people that the police initially tried to move on, but eventually just gave up on because there were so many of them.

There were metal detectors, and secret service guys, press guys and local dignitaries. There were banks of cameras, banks of reporters at their laptops. And many, many ordinary folk like me who took time to stand in line yesterday, and to stand in line again today. Some people took their kids with them. I can imagine those kids in 40 or 50 years saying "I saw him. I saw Barack Obama in person before he became president."

Once I finally got in, the room was hot. It was crowded. It took a long time to find somewhere to sit. I ended up sitting on the stairs of the bleachers, near a woman who was telling everyone not to sit on the stairs because it was a fire hazard. But what could we do? There weren't enough seats for the number of people they let in.

We waited a long time for the show. The crowd was boisterous and in high spirits. Different sections of the bleachers tried to better one another with chants and shouts. And I don't want to brag, but I'm proud to say that the NPR guy came over to my section to record us. Not the other sections.

The camaraderie in the audience was amazing. Apart from the fire hazard obsessed woman, that is. When we weren't chanting and stomping our feet, we all chatted together, and waited together amiably. Waiting but agreeing that it would be worth the wait.

Finally our patience was rewarded, more than half an hour after the start was schedule when everybody came onto the stage. Barack spoke for about ten minutes at the podium. As you can see from my second photo above, our view of the podium was not so great, due to the teleprompter. But luckily for us, most of the event was in the form of a seated panel discussion, so I was able to get a much better view once that started.

It went on for nearly 2 hours. I admit, occasionally my attention wandered as I found myself interested in the camera guys or the local reporter doing a live feed to the lunchtime news. And then I would snap back thinking OMG these people are really here. It was in many ways surreal - like watching the TV, except that those familiar voices and familiar faces were really right there and not on screen in my living room.

I was interested in all the discussions. I hope that they can really bring about all the new green jobs they were talking about and planning. I hope we can both save the environment and the economy at the same time. I hope that health insurance premiums aren't so expensive. I hope that they get the chance to try to make these changes.

What a day.

YES WE CAN!!!

Wild goose chase?

So, a while back, shortly after the Veep candidates were announced I heard on the radio that one of them was going to be speaking nearby, for free. The one that I would actually like to listen to, you understand, not the idiot. All you had to do was go along to the campaign office and pick up tickets. Well, that not being an opportunity I could pass up, I checked the map, figured out where it was, and scooted along there at lunch time. I, along with dozens of others, circled all the local buildings for a while, trying to find the damn place, as it was hidden at the end of a strip mall that was at right angles to the road. With no sign up. When I eventually found the right place, and fought my way through the throng, I found out that all the tickets had been given away the night before. Even though the first public announcement of the event had been that morning.

Quite frustrating, and a veritable wild goose chase. But I learned my lesson. I figured should anything like that happen again, I would pounce.

And then I got an email this morning that a certain Prez candidate is going to be speaking tomorrow at the very college that I attend. For free. In the gymnasium. Oh, be still my beating heart! Tickets are on offer starting this morning at 10am, at a table at a local park. I have a strong suspicion that this will be the making of another wild goose chase, particularly as ominous clouds are brewing. And it's a big park. I have strong doubts about getting anything apart from wet, frustrated and highly irritated.

But I can't not try, can I?

ETA: OK, it took 1.5 hours of chaos, but I got me a ticket!!! Yeah!

Feel good Saturday

I'm feeling a bit happier over the weight situation. I've managed to lose 5 lbs since my post-birthday weigh-in shocker, so that's good.

And I have other news - I'm about to become a slum lord! I have a little guest house in my yard, which I am going to rent out to a woman from work, so I'm going to have a roomie, sort of. It'll definitely help with the finances, and given that she's a total social butterfly that's always out doing something, maybe she'll help drag me out of my shell a bit.

Tonight I'm going to see a play with Stephanie and her DH. And the TWINS who she discovered yesterday are on board!!! [Sorry Steph, if I'm letting the cat out of the bag.] Hehehe, I just can't keep anything to myself.

Ooh, hey, joining the rest of you

You know how all you cool girls have blog readers or RSS feeds or whatever they're called that tell you when someone posted something new in a blog you like? I never did. I tried to set one up a couple of times, but always failed miserably because I couldn't figure them out. Clearly I am a dufus in that regard. I'd always be reminded of my failure every time someone mentioned how they had to catch up on 277 new posts, or something, and I'd be like "wait, what? OH! They are tech savvy and I'm not." I, on the other hand, would have to check blogs old-school, which meant a lot of useless clicking on links that were not updated. Which lead to blog-reading fatigue. And not enough comments from me.

But blogger has finally done something useful, and created some widgets to allow you to follow other blogs easily. Finally! Now I can be a cool girl in the last nanosecond remaining before the rest of you all find the next best thing to be doing. And I put some linkies at the bottom right of people who are following me, so hopefully this will encourage me to click more often and leave more comments on their blogs too.

Yay for blogger for once.

I'm just gonna say it

I see from CNN that some numbskull has named their kid "Sarah McCain Palin."

They get to reproduce and I don't?

Nap time

Did anyone watch the debate yesterday? Yawn.

Talking of yawning, one of my classes was cancelled today, so I think I'm going to have a nap. Yeah for college life! Well, I'm going to have lunch and then do a quick psychology test first.

Oh, and as for overthinking the school thing - well, what else am I supposed to do? I'm not exactly busy changing diapers, so why not spend some time to ponder things. And it's not as if I'll make any decisions now based on anything. Hey ho. 

Can we talk about race?

[By the way, I've always hated to use the term "race" as I'm pretty damn sure we're all one race - the human race. But then again, ethnicity doesn't seem quite right either, and talking just about skin color is limiting.]

OK, so, a while back I posted about the low educational standards at my local community college, and a couple of posters recommended small liberal arts colleges as offering a better education. Which seemed like a damned good idea to me for my hypothetical kid. Although in some instances I thought, depending on the kid, it might be good to have that two-year buffer between high school and "real" college so that the kid can mature a bit more. Or, I might not have the money for anything other than starting off with a 2-year community college stint. But on the whole, I'd rather my hypothetical kid get a good education at a better school that will challenge them and help them develop a love for learning.

And then I started noticing that the racial and demographic diversity of the students on campus is really not representative of the local population. And I started counting. Now, this isn't a large sample size, and I'm guesstimating somewhat, but for example my communication class seems to be representative of the types of folk I see walking around in general, and we have 4 non-hispanic white students out of 28. Or, in other words, around 15%. I'm sure the demographics of the county have changed a bit since the last census, which lists the county as being 70% non-hispanic white, because a lot of people have moved from the more racially mixed counties nearby. But I don't think it has changed to 15% non-hispanic white. The next county was listed in 2000 as 58% non-hispanic white and we're now probably somewhere between the two.

Now, this is a great thing for me, because it is exposing me to a greater cross-section of the population than I usually mingle with. Especially in communication class where we all give talks about ourselves, I'm enjoying learning about the cultural backgrounds of the students in the class - especially the huge diversity within the students either from or whose parents are from the Caribbean - as to who's from Cuba, or Haiti, or Puerto Rico, or Dominican Republic, or Jamaica, or wherever, and the different things their families do and their differing perspectives.

And then it's making me think about my own interactions with people too. For example, there's this one kid who I think is just fabulous. He's this sensitive, drama type, who's brought in DVDs showing his various performances in plays, and is just amazingly mature for his age about so many topics. I thought I liked him a lot because of his level of maturity, and his sensitivity, unlike so many of the other 19- and 20- year old boys in the class. But then he was saying yesterday how his black friends tell him he's not black enough because he "acts white," and that they think he doesn't get as much discrimination as they do because of this. To which he always responds "uh....look at me" because he is much darker skinned than most African Americans. And that made me think - do I enjoy my interactions with him because he "acts white" and therefore does that say something about me, or do I enjoy my interactions with him because (as I previously thought) he's a mature, sensitive, kind, intelligent young man. Who's not a dufus messing around at the back of the class. Maybe it's a mixture of the two. It makes you think. Which is very good for me to do, and to be as aware as I can about how my unconscious behaviors could affect people.

OK, but where was I? Oh yes. I started worrying, because it seems we are effectively segregating people by economics. Is the school predominantly minority students because that's all their parents can afford, or because society has lower expectations of their possibilities for academic success? Why is it OK for white parents to worry about sending their kid off to a good quality college, but not OK for all parents to demand that the local community colleges offer a better quality so that everyone can take advantage of it? Is it OK that the vast majority of the faculty are white? What does that say about the levels of educational attainment we can expect from every kid? Should I in effect rethink the value of community college as also being positive in the sense that it is more diverse than even the high schools which are still very much based on economics as far as where your home is located (although my local neighborhoods are more mixed than some of the more gated community areas of the county, so maybe the local high schools are the same). And isn't diversity a good thing for children to grow up with?

And of course, at this point, I don't know what my hypothetical kid is going to be - I'm tending again more towards adoption from the state if I do continue on, as opposed to remaining childfree, and therefore my kid is probably more likely to be hispanic or mixed race. Is it better for me to send that kid to community college, knowing that I can keep them at home for 2 years and knowing that they'll be in the majority which might be beneficial for them and their sense of self-esteem. Or if they're non-hispanic white do I send them there knowing that diversity is a great thing that I can't necessarily provide enough of among my family, close friends and neighbors. Or do I go the route of saying if I can afford to send them to the best schools I should do that, and diversity be damned. And that doesn't even factor in for the private grade school debate.

Oh the complaining

I just innocently asked a coworker friend how her weekend was. She started by pulling a face and said it was awful. Then said she shouldn't complain to me about life with her kid, because she knows all about all my efforts at TTC and she does love him and he means the world to her. But then, despite saying she shouldn't complain to me about it, she proceeded to rant and offload for about 5 minutes straight. Which of course seemed a lot longer to me as I was trying to just nod noncommittally and look sympathetic, all the while dying a little more inside. And then of course she got onto the "honestly, I don't know how anyone without a partner does it" spiel, along with the explanations of how you can't even go to the bathroom without someone there to hand the kid off to. Then she rambled off into a long tale of how your life changes, how you can never sleep in ever again, how you can't have time to yourself, you can't go out. Then, after I made the mistake of trying to empathize by saying I had lately been reconsidering the child-free option because I knew that right now my life was too hectic to consider having a kid right now, she moved on to telling me to "think long and hard" about doing DE or in any other way continuing on with thoughts of becoming a mother.

OK, well, first of all, I had no expectations as an SMC of having a poop without an audience for ooh, about 7 years straight. Or having time to myself. I don't sleep in (much) now anyway, nor do I have a wild and crazy nightlife that I would miss. It's not like I am part of a couple that feels it necessary to go out 3 times a week. Or that I need quality time with a partner. Or any number of things. Basically I would give my eye teeth to be where she is. I know it's hard. I know. And I also know that I have no real conception of how hard because I don't know how I'd react to living on less than 4 hours of sleep a night for several years. I know it'd be the hardest thing I have ever done. But that doesn't stop me wanting it.

Bah. I suppose this will be my lot in life, eh? Listening to other people complain about their kids while having to look sympathetic. It's not exactly a lot of fun, I gotta tell you.

Brothers

I try not to post too much family stuff on here because it's all out in the open. But I think I mentioned that my bro' lost his job. Anyhoo, as he was paid off with a month's notice period, he'd said to me that he couldn't sign on for unemployment benefits until he was officially unemployed. Well, a month has gone by, and now he is quite, quite unequivocally unemployed.

Called him up today, and wanted to know if he was going to the unemployment office on Monday. Nope, says he, I've got to go to the bank to pay a check in. He finally got some (but not all) of his severance pay. Right-o, says I, that'll take, what, 10 minutes? THEN are you going to the unemployment office? Uh, well, I don't know where the nearest one is, says he.  OK, then, says I, another 10 minutes to call them and find out. THEN are you going? Well, says he, they probably only give you benefits if you've got no money left, and I just got this check. Ohferheavenssake. He won't even ask them if he's entitled to benefits, and you don't get benefits backdated from when you were officially unemployed - you get them dated to the day you signed up for them. He then said he didn't want to go, and it'd probably be full of junkies and benefits cheats, and, and, and. I pointed out that nobody wants to go to the unemployment office, with the economy the way it is it'd probably be full of people like him, and he's paid his taxes his entire working life so he's entitled to some help when he needs it. Could I persuade him? NO. He said he might go later in the week when he wasn't so busy. [Busy with paying one check into the bank, that is.]

But more exasperating, he's talking about spending his severance money on a new car stereo and a new hands-free phone kit for the car, and some new glasses. And other crap besides. All of which add up to at least a mortgage payment. I pointed out that it may be a long time before he gets a job, and he'd better count the mortgage as his number one priority for any money he has, otherwise he'll end up homeless. To which he hemmed and hawed, and said he was, but just in case he got the job he applied for this week, he could spend the money after he starts working, and he was just writing out everything that he "needs". I reminded him that he needs to include a savings account when he starts getting paid again, so he has a rainy day fund for the future, but that sailed in one ear and out the other, as usual.

Erk. Why oh why are brothers so frustrating?

Nice things

I have to say, there is one aspect about community college I am definitely enjoying, and that is the positive feedback. Where I work you basically get feedback if someone isn't happy with you. The only clue you have if you're doing a good job is if no-one is whining. But that doesn't happen very often because there's always something to whine about - even if the work you did was great, you probably spent too long doing it. Or something. 

So, it's nice to have a little coddling for once.  Just got this comment:

Wow, what an excellent and well-written paper! Your discussion of the history, constitutional questions and issues in the case, along with your analysis of precedent, implications and ideological angles, is spot-on. Your connections to the course and textbook material are strong and your opinion section nicely detailed. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your paper! If you haven't already, you should consider doing honors projects and taking honors classes in the future. You will be very successful.

Feeling proud! :) Even if I did call this professor a stupid bitch in an earlier post. Ahem. Clearly she's not stupid at all...heh heh.

Snickerdoodle

No, this post has nothing to do with snickerdoodles. Whatever they are. Just felt like typing it.

So:

I hate blogs with music. Hate them. They immediately cause me to hit the back button. After jumping out of my seat when the music starts, because there's always a delay while the music loads and then it appears out of nowhere. Just saying.

My weight was back down 1.5 lbs today, so clearly yesterday was a high sodium water bloat or poop retention kind of thing. Still, being 1 lb below the threshold for obese is still not exactly reassuring.  I am dieting like a fiend. 

You know how I got 99% on my first government test and I was kind of miffed that I got half a question wrong. Wait, I did post that, right? And then felt churlish because the rest of the class did really crap? Well, whatever, I did. We just had our second test. 100%, thankyouverymuch. I am da bomb.

Been feeling wistful again about the whole babies/genetic connection/adoption/DE stuff again. I just don't know where my head is at these days. I swing wildly between all possible avenues. Which clearly means that I'm not ready yet to commit to one path or another. Sigh. I wish I could just get with the program - whichever program it ends up being.

The funny thing about trying to lose weight

So, I had this goal before starting college. It is what I think of as my jeans weight. You see, I have not bought a pair of jeans at my current size. I refuse to. I have my large pair of jeans, and I absolutely refuse to go bigger, meaning if I ever want to wear jeans again, I need to lose weight. [Weird how I don't mind buying black or dark brown pants at a bigger size, but there's just something about denim that stops me!] And lately, I've been a good 10-12 lbs over the jeans weight, so there's been no hope of fitting into them. I very nearly got back down to jeans weight with all the juice fasting, but then I started piling on the weight again because I am lame.

The last few weeks, I have been holding fairly steady with the weight. I started trying to tweak little things here and there, hoping that I could start losing weight again slowly. And even with the birthday, sure I ate a bit more than usual, but not crazily, I thought. I was actually feeling proud of myself. So then I cycled to work and school on Monday and Tuesday, and I started thinking - hey, if I go teetotal until Christmas (with a break for Thanksgiving day, of course), AND cycle every day Monday to Friday, I bet I can knock off 10 lbs without having to do anything else. That way, I can at least get back down to jeans weight before starting acu school. Sweet.

However, I decided to weigh myself this morning to start things off. Oh dear. I've piled on another 4 lbs and am back up to within 0.5 lbs of my highest. weight. ever. In fact, I've tipped over into obese again. Damn. Drastic action is now necessary. I therefore joined that weight loss website again, and have started tracking my food.

Now, here's the funny thing. I had exactly the same breakfast as I've been having for weeks (oatmeal). It normally fills me up until lunch with no problems. But as soon as I'd tracked it, and noted that it's only 150 calories, I was starving. Like, as soon as I'd made the mental leap from "eating kinda healthily" to "must diet" I immediately started getting hungry. In other words, dieting sucks.

Splash

You know what I did at 5pm today? I jumped in my pool, and man, was it nice. I cycled to college today, and arrived home a sweaty, disgusting mess. So I was walking in through the back door after putting the bike away, and the sparkling blueness of the pool called to me. A very few seconds later, I was heading back out of the back door in my swimsuit, still a sweaty disgusting mess, and I canonballed in. Ahhhh, lovely. Instant cool down.

Florida does have some good things going for it, after all.

Thank you!

Thanks for the birthday wishes!! I had a nice few days with lots of good food, and good people.

Not much to report since then. I am behind with my homework (of course) and work-work (of course). I cycled in to the office today, and boy, am I out of shape! Must improve on that and cycle more regularly now it's cooling down a bit.

The next decade

Sometime in the next few days, I will be turning 40! Eeek! [I prefer not to be too specific on here about the actual date because, I don't know, someone might steal my fabulous identity or something.]

Let the birthday celebrations begin!! I am older and wiser. And yes, fatter and wrinklier. But I'm OK with that. Every pound, every wrinkle and every gray hair is a life experience and on the whole I'm glad to have them. I'm glad to be calmer and more mature than I used to be. I'm glad to be going into the next decade with a sense of adventure and change.

Of course, I never imagined I would turn 40 without a child in tow. And birthdays are now bittersweet because it was on my 36th birthday that I decided to stop dithering around and start trying to conceive as an SMC. I figured I'd be able to squeeze 2 kids out before hitting 40, which was my mental "stop trying" point. But there you go. I'll get over it.

I wonder what this decade will bring? A new career, I hope. A new partner in life would be nice. A child or two would be very nice but we'll see if that happens.

ETA: Just checked my horoscope out, which says in relation to the next year that "Once Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, enters your house of true love on January 5, 2009, to stay a year, you will enter your very best year in a decade to find true love. " Hmmm, guess what is the exact date that I start at acu school?