Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Shuffling off this infertile coil

So, as I was driving home yesterday I had the radio tuned to NPR and I caught the tail end of an interview with some woman, and they were discussing how her life had gone to shit when in one month her health had failed and she had to pay $600 a month more for medication and the bank told her they'd made a mistake with her tax/insurance escrow and she'd have to pay $800 a month more for that as well. And they talked a bit about the shitness of life, but then she said, in an amazed voice "but you know, I'm a MOM and that's all that matters. I have my daughters. And I'm a MOM. I am SO grateful for that every day."

And I should have realized from all the gratefulness, but my first thought was "shut up, you fertile bitch about your effing motherhood." It's amazing how my mind goes there. Even though I tell myself I am all evolved and "at peace", the bitterness is often right there, beneath the surface, waiting to bubble up. Clearly I need to do some more work!

Then of course, I was quickly proven wrong about the "fertile bitch" part of it, because it turns out this woman adopted two special needs children from foster care, and is now running a campaign to get more funding for foster/adopt programs.  I should have realized that your average fertile would never be that grateful about the simple fact of being a mom. I felt ashamed at myself for a nanosecond, and then I thought "you know, that could be ME." I could be a mom. Me. I could still do it. And every day when I think I am DONE and I will never go through all the hell again, whether it be a DE cycle or an adoption process, and I'm going to become the crazy cat lady, there's a part of me that thinks how much it will be worth it in the end to finally become a mom.

So, yesterday I had been thinking that perhaps I should end this blog. Because where do you take a blog after infertility? Most women morph into mommy bloggers.  And that's cute, and they get to keep at least a portion of their readership who want to keep up with the exploits of little Jimmy. But time after time I see the women like me (maybe), who fail at treatment and decide enough is enough, ending their blogs because they just don't know what to say anymore, or how to connect.  I mean, seriously, who is interested in what we do? I thought I might have to take up a hobby, like knitting or something, just to have something to write about.  And then after I thought "hey, I can still become a mom" I remembered that my reproductive shit is really only on hiatus at the moment.  I guess I'll keep on keeping on for now.

Stephanie was asking on Saturday what was up with the home insem plan. And, well, it's on hold. But I realized that what was really going through the back of my mind was that I have all these hopes that I'll get to acupuncture school and meet a nice guy and have an opportunity to try naturally. And there's a part of me that wants to at least wait until I get there to check out my options before going down the man-in-a-can route. I hadn't even realized that before, so I think that I am going to wait until at least January.

But hey, I appear to be ovulating, I'm going to be going to a function tonight where there is going to be an open bar and LOTS of drinking so you never know. ;) Don't hold any collective breath, though, as I am hopeless at flirting. Hopeless I tell ya.


SS said...

I know many people who are most grateful in life for their children, people who literally conceived the first time they tried (not me by a long shot). So I wouldn't assume that only people that struggle with infertility truly appreciate their children!

calliope said...

hope the bar is stocked with good stuff & there are LOTS of hawt boys for you to twinkle at.

As for the January plan- it totally makes sense. I mean, hell, who doesn't want to find a partner to do the baby making shit with?

As for the radio show- I still do stuff like that. I watched some show with those olympic winning beach volley ball women. And they were talking about how they just want to start a family and the way they were talking just sounded like it was going to happen immediately and my brain totally went to the, "you would be one lucky bitch if it happened fast" place.

Almamay said...

I hope you keep blogging. I really enjoy your insight. I believe that this is part of your life is part of your IF journey as well. It's not all about TX.

Melissa said...

First of all, I hope you have fun tonight, drink way too much, meet a super hot guy (or just one who doesn't repulse you) and do something completely rash, irresponsible, and that it brings crazy, wild consequences like a "surprise unplanned pregnancy!"

Secondly, please don't stop blogging. You are eloquent and wonderful to read. You are a unique voice, and what you have to say matters to me, and to so many other women. Right now, and please know that I am writing this with love and do not be hurt by this...., you are the voice of a woman who has been through demonic, hellish, painful infertility treatment and has not yet triumphed. So many blogs, as you said, move on to being mommy blogs, which is wonderful. But, there are so many women who don't move on....right now, you are that voice. I pray feverently that you do not remain that voice, and I hope that you continue to blog so that we can share in your joy when you move through and past this stage. Please, please, keep writing.

I truly hope I haven't offended or hurt you with this comment. If I have in any way, I deeply apologize.

Cindy said...

I hope you keep writing. I love reading your blog.

Unlike the first poster, I totally get where you are coming from. It seems that when a person can conceive and have a child easily, they don't seem to appreciate their children as much as people who had to work hard to get them. It's just like anything else in life. Plain and simple.

I am forever infertile and it sucks. Just today I was at the maternity ward talking to a mother awaiting her repeat elective C-section to get her baby. Walking away I thought about how I wish I could have had the experience of waiting for my baby to be born....just once. I am someone's mom and I don't love him any less than if I had bore him. However, I would have given anything to have been able to "have" him. Sigh.

Keep writing. There are many of us out there in different stages of infertility. Your words really help us all. :)

Tricia said...

Please don't stop blogging! We have to know how your course goes, and about the guy who is lucky enough to pin you down eventually!
Infertility is the thread that binds us, but we don't keep reading to find out how many kids you end up having, its to find out how YOU are doing, and what you're up to, and where your infertility journey has led you and how it has shaped you. Infertility was just the starting point, but we love reading about YOU.

And I hope you drank enough to have a great time, but not so much you're hugging a porcelain bowl afterward!