Shuffling off this infertile coil

So, as I was driving home yesterday I had the radio tuned to NPR and I caught the tail end of an interview with some woman, and they were discussing how her life had gone to shit when in one month her health had failed and she had to pay $600 a month more for medication and the bank told her they'd made a mistake with her tax/insurance escrow and she'd have to pay $800 a month more for that as well. And they talked a bit about the shitness of life, but then she said, in an amazed voice "but you know, I'm a MOM and that's all that matters. I have my daughters. And I'm a MOM. I am SO grateful for that every day."

And I should have realized from all the gratefulness, but my first thought was "shut up, you fertile bitch about your effing motherhood." It's amazing how my mind goes there. Even though I tell myself I am all evolved and "at peace", the bitterness is often right there, beneath the surface, waiting to bubble up. Clearly I need to do some more work!

Then of course, I was quickly proven wrong about the "fertile bitch" part of it, because it turns out this woman adopted two special needs children from foster care, and is now running a campaign to get more funding for foster/adopt programs.  I should have realized that your average fertile would never be that grateful about the simple fact of being a mom. I felt ashamed at myself for a nanosecond, and then I thought "you know, that could be ME." I could be a mom. Me. I could still do it. And every day when I think I am DONE and I will never go through all the hell again, whether it be a DE cycle or an adoption process, and I'm going to become the crazy cat lady, there's a part of me that thinks how much it will be worth it in the end to finally become a mom.

So, yesterday I had been thinking that perhaps I should end this blog. Because where do you take a blog after infertility? Most women morph into mommy bloggers.  And that's cute, and they get to keep at least a portion of their readership who want to keep up with the exploits of little Jimmy. But time after time I see the women like me (maybe), who fail at treatment and decide enough is enough, ending their blogs because they just don't know what to say anymore, or how to connect.  I mean, seriously, who is interested in what we do? I thought I might have to take up a hobby, like knitting or something, just to have something to write about.  And then after I thought "hey, I can still become a mom" I remembered that my reproductive shit is really only on hiatus at the moment.  I guess I'll keep on keeping on for now.

Stephanie was asking on Saturday what was up with the home insem plan. And, well, it's on hold. But I realized that what was really going through the back of my mind was that I have all these hopes that I'll get to acupuncture school and meet a nice guy and have an opportunity to try naturally. And there's a part of me that wants to at least wait until I get there to check out my options before going down the man-in-a-can route. I hadn't even realized that before, so I think that I am going to wait until at least January.

But hey, I appear to be ovulating, I'm going to be going to a function tonight where there is going to be an open bar and LOTS of drinking so you never know. ;) Don't hold any collective breath, though, as I am hopeless at flirting. Hopeless I tell ya.