Monday, March 24, 2008

Mope and stim

Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot to know that I am not alone. Sometimes it seems that only one view is acceptable in the IF blogosphere (that motherhood, no matter how you get there is the only ultimate goal) but then you remind me that we all have our own paths to walk and that I am not alone in my thinking.

And just for the record, in case anyone has any doubt (which most of you don't, but I am often unsure of whether I really get my feelings down in writing properly), I have no doubts that I would love any child - whether from DE, adoption, donor embryos or my own genetics. I have NO doubt about that. Anybody who has ever loved a pet can know that they have it in them to love another little being that is placed in their care so so much. And of course with a child the feeling would be magnified many many times. I can only imagine how amazing that love must be. The only thing that holds me back is that I feel that I owe a child nothing less than absolute 100% unconditional love. And I wonder if, because I will always grieve the loss of a genetic connection and will always know that it was my second choice, whether it is fair to only love a child with 99.99999% unconditional, joyful love. Would I always have that little 0.00001% of regret in my heart? And, knowing that, is that a fair burden to place on a child? That's what concerns me. That it would not be fair to them.

Anyway, something happening recently on a board I am on has made me realize how self-selecting all our little groups are. A former poster came back to say hi, and perhaps posted a bit too much and expected a bit too much support, but as her life circumstances are no longer the same as the rest of the group she was asked to only post about things that the group has in common, because otherwise some of the other posters feelings may be hurt. So that has made me realize more than ever that at the time I take that decision to be child-free, I will no longer be part of the IF community. I will have to move on. I will no longer be welcome at my old haunts. It is yet another hard blow to realize that I will have to stop posting at places that I have been a member of for nearly 4 years and will have to cut myself off. I mean, not that I necessarily imagined constantly torturing myself following other people's kids lives and only being able to post "cute pic!" or whatever. But I didn't think I would be unwelcome. I did think that the women I thought of as my internet friends would like to see the occasional update from me. So of course, that makes me think about all the other women who came before me and took the childfree option instead of continuing treatment. And they are not visible because they moved on, so that makes those of us struggling with these decisions feel like everybody else in the world thinks differently. When that is not the case at all. The ones that think like I do just got booted out of the community or felt it was too painful to remain.

I am therefore trying to cut back on one group I am still in. I already stopped going to good ole FF a while ago and am slowly weaning myself off another. I'll get there eventually. Maybe I'll just join new groups based on my fabulous new interests that I'm bound to pick up when I no longer waste my time moping over my ovaries. We'll see.

But, enough moping and worrying over things that may not come to pass. Today is stim day 1. I wonder if my follicles stayed nice and small and if half a dose of cetrotide really is enough to keep them subdued. But I won't find out until next Monday as I don't have another u/s until then. It's a bit scary waiting that long, but hopefully LV Clinic knows what they are doing. Either I'll have a giant 40mm follicle or something, or I'll have a few nice evenly sized little guys. One more week and I'll have an inkling how this cycle is going. Eek!


bleu said...

I do not know what board you frequent (feel free to tell ) but I would be starting a new thread there titled "making the child-free choice after IF" or something to that affect if it ever came to that. On my SMC board, which I do not go to so much anymore because the IF board is more urgent with me, there have been side threads started when people needed more specific support.
It is just a thought and may not work where you go, or you may not be interested.

I really think your concern for that 0.00001% is beautiful and just another reason why I think you would be such a fantastic mother. I was raised without unconditional love, and I am talking greater than 70%.

ANyhow I think you are amazing. I am also sad you are down, this is so far seeming to be a cycle without hope and if that is the case just know I am here hoping like gangbusters for you.

Much love.

calliope said...

"not that I necessarily imagined constantly torturing myself following other people's kids lives and only being able to post "cute pic!" or whatever."

same exact thought in my head all the effing time these days.

being sidelined right now has given me a MASSIVE identity crisis within our IF internet world.

I am thinking of you.
& WILLING for it to all work out.


Cindy said...

I have been through so many phases in life and have felt that way a lot of times. I started out as an SMC on FF and other SMC boards, then got married and didn't fit in there anymore. Then I continued on FF as a married person but now am facing adoption. The boards I surfed before I no longer feel comfortable on and don't have anything to contribute. I now post on a foster parenting board and when I posted about issues with my husband it fell on a few deaf ears. Some were supportive but others didn't even acknowledge what I wrote. I am sure they would have liked to tell me that my topic did not apply to the board.

I am still on FF though I don't need to be. It is hard to wean off, lol! Being an SMC can be a lonely process so seeking internet support and friendship makes sense. It is hard to leave a community once you are so entrenched in it.

Long post to say....I hear ya. :)

Jess said...

Happy stim day 1! Go ovaries, go!

Katkun said...

Oh, dear. I hope you wouldn't feel unwelcome if, god forbid, your IVF doesn't work out. I know that I'll keep checking in on your blog, at any rate and try to comment, also. After being part of the same group for a while, the other people start to feel like friends, as we 'see' each other pretty much every day. I hope that's real, and not just a pretty thought. I think it would have been different with the other person if she hadn't been absent for so long and if more people had known her... and if she hadn't been a bit tone deaf in terms of her posts. This is a ramble, so I'll cut it off now, but just wanted you to know that I didn't think you needed to wean yourself away regardless, unless you need that for yourself.


Almamay said...

I always feel better when I start stimming, oh and a bit psycho as well.

It's strange how IF boards can go from being the most wonderful places with so much information to unwelcome, b*tchy places when you aren't in phase with the rest of the group.

tripntwinmom said...

I just want to say that I too would miss you over on the other board, but I do realize that you need to do what is best for you. I do NOT condone the way the members of the board treated the member who came back, but I did not say anything and that is almost as bad as actually doing it...Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

I am also part of that other group. I thought the response to the old poster was extremely poor and only showed a very negative side of us. I hope we would never do that to you and I hope you don't leave. Don't let the words of some keep you away.

Anonymous said...

Hey, S. Sorry I haven't posted for so long. I moved into my new house, had the girl's party, and just been super busy lately.

Sarah, I miss you so much on FF, and I miss our own private little group.
I also feel a bit weird on TTC/IF boards now, for other reasons. I guess it's just the nature of those boards. People move on. It's just so difficult to lose people who you've become so close to, especially because IF is such a personal and vulnerable experience.

I'm so hoping and praying that this cycle works for you. Hopefully you'll need to leave those IF boards, but for other reasons...

Oh, and now I REALLY want to know what that other board is that you're referring to, LOL.


Lioness said...

Maybe this is a stupid idea, please bear in mind I'm only trying to be helpful so if I'm being daft apologies in advance (don't know much about boards), but could you create a new one, for people on the fringes, people who still want the connection but don't know how to frame it within the old context, and and advertise it on your boards?

For everyone that voices this need out loud there must be a lot that don't dare or know how to and are equally lonely. You could be the beacon, maybe.

Angela said...

You are brave and strong. You do not have to explain your decision about parenting. IF is hard enough without anymore guilt or bad feelings. Please just hang in there and take care of you. The answers you seek will come and this journey will come to an end one way or another and in the manner that you choose. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Regarding message boards, Sarah, do you or any fellow "internets" know of any message boards out there to discuss, critique, and/or recommend blogs - not only IF blogs, but a wide variety of types of blogs, mostly geared to women readers. I know about Blogher, but is there a message board, not just lists of blogs, that anyone knows of? Thanks! Nancy in AK