Mope and stim

Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot to know that I am not alone. Sometimes it seems that only one view is acceptable in the IF blogosphere (that motherhood, no matter how you get there is the only ultimate goal) but then you remind me that we all have our own paths to walk and that I am not alone in my thinking.

And just for the record, in case anyone has any doubt (which most of you don't, but I am often unsure of whether I really get my feelings down in writing properly), I have no doubts that I would love any child - whether from DE, adoption, donor embryos or my own genetics. I have NO doubt about that. Anybody who has ever loved a pet can know that they have it in them to love another little being that is placed in their care so so much. And of course with a child the feeling would be magnified many many times. I can only imagine how amazing that love must be. The only thing that holds me back is that I feel that I owe a child nothing less than absolute 100% unconditional love. And I wonder if, because I will always grieve the loss of a genetic connection and will always know that it was my second choice, whether it is fair to only love a child with 99.99999% unconditional, joyful love. Would I always have that little 0.00001% of regret in my heart? And, knowing that, is that a fair burden to place on a child? That's what concerns me. That it would not be fair to them.

Anyway, something happening recently on a board I am on has made me realize how self-selecting all our little groups are. A former poster came back to say hi, and perhaps posted a bit too much and expected a bit too much support, but as her life circumstances are no longer the same as the rest of the group she was asked to only post about things that the group has in common, because otherwise some of the other posters feelings may be hurt. So that has made me realize more than ever that at the time I take that decision to be child-free, I will no longer be part of the IF community. I will have to move on. I will no longer be welcome at my old haunts. It is yet another hard blow to realize that I will have to stop posting at places that I have been a member of for nearly 4 years and will have to cut myself off. I mean, not that I necessarily imagined constantly torturing myself following other people's kids lives and only being able to post "cute pic!" or whatever. But I didn't think I would be unwelcome. I did think that the women I thought of as my internet friends would like to see the occasional update from me. So of course, that makes me think about all the other women who came before me and took the childfree option instead of continuing treatment. And they are not visible because they moved on, so that makes those of us struggling with these decisions feel like everybody else in the world thinks differently. When that is not the case at all. The ones that think like I do just got booted out of the community or felt it was too painful to remain.

I am therefore trying to cut back on one group I am still in. I already stopped going to good ole FF a while ago and am slowly weaning myself off another. I'll get there eventually. Maybe I'll just join new groups based on my fabulous new interests that I'm bound to pick up when I no longer waste my time moping over my ovaries. We'll see.

But, enough moping and worrying over things that may not come to pass. Today is stim day 1. I wonder if my follicles stayed nice and small and if half a dose of cetrotide really is enough to keep them subdued. But I won't find out until next Monday as I don't have another u/s until then. It's a bit scary waiting that long, but hopefully LV Clinic knows what they are doing. Either I'll have a giant 40mm follicle or something, or I'll have a few nice evenly sized little guys. One more week and I'll have an inkling how this cycle is going. Eek!