Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Blue

I'm feeling kinda blue at the moment.  I guess this is the effect that lupron is having this cycle.  Or maybe I'm just blue anyway.


I feel ridiculous for spending so much money on a long shot.  For spending the money that I could use to go to college for my second career and that I will now have to borrow.  For anxiously wanting to change jobs as soon as my g.reen card comes but worrying about whether I should stay just to get maternity benefits in case one of these final IVFs actually work.  And worrying about whether I'll get fired because my performance is so bad at work these days. And worrying about money in general.  I have been gaining weight again and am probably the biggest I've ever been.  I feel like this will impact the IVF and wish I could have got the situation under control.  I tried a swimsuit on yesterday thinking I might take one to Vegas, but oh Lord the sight of me in a swimsuit was just a rude awakening at how much weight I've gained so I'm scratching that idea. 

Mostly I just feel a fool for even doing more IVF cycles and I wish I could stop.  I feel stupid for signing up for the two cycle plan at LV clinic because it's just extra money to throw away.  I feel stupid for ever having any hope.  And then I look at other peoples babies and something inside me dies a little further.

So, there it is.  I'm feeling blue.  I will do the IVFs because I've paid for them.  There's no point backing out, but I am really hating the whole process at the moment.

9 comments:

serenity said...

*HUG*

Wish I had something to say which makes it better.

Thinking of you, Sarah.

Almamay said...

Yet again you wrote a post that makes me feel like you've been reading my mind. I question why I am spending the small amount of money left to me by my mother on IF TX with the small chance of this working. I spent a lot of time thinking about it last night and came to the conclusion that it's only money. I don't want to die with money in the bank and regrets that I didn't try harder for a family in my heart.

katedaphne said...

What almamay said, a hundred times over. It is only money.

It is hard when with each failure you worry you'll have no success -- and no money to spend on things to console yourself with. Still, one has to try, b/c living with the regrets would be worse.

Hugs, dear one. This lupron, too, shall pass.

Jess said...

OMG I put a bathing suit on the other day too and saw my biggest self ever. As if we need another thing to feel bad about. I know that hope is a difficult thing to cling onto sometimes. I will be hoping for you even if you are having trouble hoping for yourself.

Aimee said...

{{{{{Sarah}}}}} I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling down. :o( I wish I could help you feel more positive and hopeful. You'e definitely NOT a fool but a wonderful courageous fighter! I really admire your strength and determination. Rooting for ya!! :o)

calliope said...

of COURSE you are hating this process at the moment. It fucking sucks ass. It is not fair, just or making any kinds of sense.

The fact that you always power through these moments is a huge inspiration.

I wish we could get together and have a good scream on top of a mountain.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah -

Definitely have had those thoughts as well...hell, I still do, every time I think about doing just one more cycle.

Hang in there.

Alacrity

Cindy said...

These thoughts are so normal. Who wouldn't have them after trying and trying and trying and still having not succeeded. I really hope that this is it for you and that you can get off the fertility rollercoaster. Hang in there.

maybe42 said...

I'm in the TWW of my 4th IVF cycle. I too wonder why the hell I'm spending so much freaking money on such a slim chance. I guess we all have some hope that we will beat the odds. Good Luck.