Gray

Why do we say we're feeling blue when we're sad or depressed? I've never quite understood it, because to me blue is a happy color. Even that deepest of midnight blue is happy, because to see it normally the sky has to be clear which usually means nice weather and twinkling stars. What's so bad about that? And nobody could call sky blue a sad color. Or Caribbean sea blue (or turquoise, I suppose). That's a pretty sweet sight too. Forget-me-knots or irises or plumbago are all some of my favorite flowers to look at. All blue. All pretty and happy.

So why blue? The only bad blue seems to be the blue of a bruise, but then bruises go through so many purples and yellows and even greens and grays that it seems a shame to pick blue out of the bunch for special treatment.

Now, brown, maybe. Gray, yes. Black, yes too. All colors that inspire less than happy emotions. But yet blue has stuck for some reason. And I don't particularly feel like it is the right color for the emotion.

Therefore, I am going to break from tradition. I'm feeling gray today. Just kind of blah. I know that I just need one good egg to form one good embryo and I will be good. It only takes one. But it seems that IVF is just filled with one disappointment after another for me. If it's not the antral count, it's the way the follicles are responding, or the fertilization report, or the development of the embryos. Or, and here's the biggie, the end result. I should know, going into these last cycles, that it's going to be more of the same. Even if the end result miraculously ends up being different, I shouldn't compare myself to previous cycles or everyone else who seems to get 20+ eggs each time. I know I shouldn't do that. And yet I do. I can't help myself. I can't help but look around and see how long and how hard my struggle has been and how easy some other women had it. And sometimes I can't help but wondering why life is so fucking unfair. And wishing it were different.

So there we are. The nurse confirmed that I was OK with yesterday's cetrotide shot being a bit late. I made sure not to forget this morning. And I will start my estrogen tonight for the estrogen priming part of the cycle. I will motor on. I will get through this sorry ass cycle somehow. And yes, I'm sure I'll get through the second cycle too. And then there'll be an end, one way or another. By the time I'm 40 later this year, there'll be an end to this madness. I hope, of course, that it ends well. But today I can't help but think that it won't.