Quietly freaking out

OK, I said I was Zen. I lied. Lied horribly. Well, I didn't lie exactly, but it didn't take much to ruin the mood. I could not sustain Zen, in other words.

I am freaking out over the meds dosage. 6 vials follistim + 2 vials menopur. A day. A day! That is a WHOLE shit load of drugs. That is $400 worth of drugs to shoot into my stomach a day.

I'm freaking out that I'll end up with a monster follicle on CD5 or something and ruin the whole thing. I mean, seriously. I know I'm a poor responder, but I'm not a slow responder. I'm an inappropriate responder. A fast responder. An over-eager dominant follicle responder. Isn't slow and steady the way we should be going?

It's just pushing the limits of my pharmaceutical tolerance too far. It's the maximum possible dosage, people. Do my poor ovaries really need the maximum? Do they really need the venti triple-caff when the grande might do just fine?

I really need to speak to the Doctor about this, but I am having no luck so far. I need to know if he really intends for me to be on this dosage, or if he misunderstood when I told him what my dosage was before. Although my dosage from previous cycles is right there in my medical records, so this shouldn't be an issue, but I remember him saying I'd be on the same dosage initially. So far, the nurse on call has confirmed that this is the correct dosage, because it says so in the computer. And computers are never wrong, right? My assigned IVF nurse has confirmed that this is the correct dosage, because it says so in the computer, and because I am likely to respond differently to a ganirelix/estrogen priming protocol than to a lupron protocol. OK, fine, that placated me for 5 minutes. But seriously, it just seems wrong. My gut is telling me that this is too strong a dosage for me, and I usually listen to my gut so I'd be a fool to ignore it this time.

I have a call in to the secretary for another issue. If she ever calls me back, I'm going to try to get her to ask the Doctor, or get him to call me. I mean, is it too much to ask just to want to know someone has posed the question to him, and to have him confirm his instructions? No, you don't need to answer that question. It is NOT too much to ask, and I guess I'm just going to have to become a difficult patient. Sigh. And I'd much rather be the nice, compliant patient. I mean, don't get me wrong, if he confirms that this is the dose he wants me on, so be it. I won't challenge him on that. I just want to know that this is what he chose based on all available facts, not just on a misunderstanding.