Conception thoughts

I have a confession to make: I STILL haven't done anything about ordering the man-in-a-can frozen spermy goodness. So it's highly unlikely to make an appearance in March. I am now aiming for April. It's mostly to do with finances - my paycheck has dropped dramatically, mostly due to The Craziness at work. I have been promised that I will be paid some extra to make up for the fact that I couldn't do real work (which I get paid for) as opposed to lets-stop-the-whole-place-falling-apart work (that I don't normally get paid for). So I expect that at some point soon I'll get a check for that, and a tax rebate and then I'll be happy money-wise again.

But, it hasn't stopped me musing. Of course. Musing is what I do best. 

First of course I muse about the absolutely minimal possibility that this will work. Although I don't think it's a vanishingly small chance - after all, it's now been 9 months since I took IVF drugs (apart from that one month - when was it? August? - where I used some progesterone because my cycle was so screwed up). My cycle is as regular as clockwork again, and holy EWCM batman! I am losing weight (yay, the scale started moving again), I am exercising, I am back at acupuncture, I am eating a good diet, so I feel like I am in good shape health-wise. Plenty of women conceive at age 40. This week, in a brazen show of optimism, I even started back on a multivitamin. Not a prenatal, you understand. Just a regular multi, but I wanted to make sure I was getting enough folate and iron and all that good stuff. Anyway, all that is optimistic stuff. I feel like the drugs are all out of my system and I think that that's good for me. But of course we all know that it's a SLIM chance at best that I can get knocked up. I know this. And there's no need for you to remind me, Anonymous. I'm not expecting it to work by any means. I'm mostly doing it because I can, and because I don't want to regret not trying.

Then I muse about how OK I am with it NOT working. Conceiving used to be a NEED. Especially conceiving my own genetically related child. Now it is not. It would be nice, but I don't need it to happen. I will be fine if it doesn't. It's actually quite a shocking thing to have such thoughts.  I know that I can become a mother through adoption (or egg donation or whatever) and that is a comforting thought - it takes away the pressure about this little diversion. I am still intending at some point to adopt through the foster care system whether that's for a first child or a second child, I just have that back-burnered because of the difficulty of getting to the parenting classes right now. And in a way, it would be tremendously difficult and - dare I say it - inconvenient to have a child now. I am so busy. I couldn't manage to work as many hours as I do, AND go to school AND live as far away from the school as I do. If I somehow got knocked up I'd probably have to sell my house (in this market?), move in with my aunt and just work odd hours remotely. It's possible, but it'd be a major hassle. So sometimes I marvel at why I am even contemplating this.

But then, when it all comes down to it, I fundamentally believe deep down that it is still possible for me to conceive. That I might have one good egg in me somewhere and it's only a matter of finding it. So why not try to find it? Why not indeed.