Thursday, February 26, 2009

Conception thoughts

I have a confession to make: I STILL haven't done anything about ordering the man-in-a-can frozen spermy goodness. So it's highly unlikely to make an appearance in March. I am now aiming for April. It's mostly to do with finances - my paycheck has dropped dramatically, mostly due to The Craziness at work. I have been promised that I will be paid some extra to make up for the fact that I couldn't do real work (which I get paid for) as opposed to lets-stop-the-whole-place-falling-apart work (that I don't normally get paid for). So I expect that at some point soon I'll get a check for that, and a tax rebate and then I'll be happy money-wise again.

But, it hasn't stopped me musing. Of course. Musing is what I do best. 

First of course I muse about the absolutely minimal possibility that this will work. Although I don't think it's a vanishingly small chance - after all, it's now been 9 months since I took IVF drugs (apart from that one month - when was it? August? - where I used some progesterone because my cycle was so screwed up). My cycle is as regular as clockwork again, and holy EWCM batman! I am losing weight (yay, the scale started moving again), I am exercising, I am back at acupuncture, I am eating a good diet, so I feel like I am in good shape health-wise. Plenty of women conceive at age 40. This week, in a brazen show of optimism, I even started back on a multivitamin. Not a prenatal, you understand. Just a regular multi, but I wanted to make sure I was getting enough folate and iron and all that good stuff. Anyway, all that is optimistic stuff. I feel like the drugs are all out of my system and I think that that's good for me. But of course we all know that it's a SLIM chance at best that I can get knocked up. I know this. And there's no need for you to remind me, Anonymous. I'm not expecting it to work by any means. I'm mostly doing it because I can, and because I don't want to regret not trying.

Then I muse about how OK I am with it NOT working. Conceiving used to be a NEED. Especially conceiving my own genetically related child. Now it is not. It would be nice, but I don't need it to happen. I will be fine if it doesn't. It's actually quite a shocking thing to have such thoughts.  I know that I can become a mother through adoption (or egg donation or whatever) and that is a comforting thought - it takes away the pressure about this little diversion. I am still intending at some point to adopt through the foster care system whether that's for a first child or a second child, I just have that back-burnered because of the difficulty of getting to the parenting classes right now. And in a way, it would be tremendously difficult and - dare I say it - inconvenient to have a child now. I am so busy. I couldn't manage to work as many hours as I do, AND go to school AND live as far away from the school as I do. If I somehow got knocked up I'd probably have to sell my house (in this market?), move in with my aunt and just work odd hours remotely. It's possible, but it'd be a major hassle. So sometimes I marvel at why I am even contemplating this.

But then, when it all comes down to it, I fundamentally believe deep down that it is still possible for me to conceive. That I might have one good egg in me somewhere and it's only a matter of finding it. So why not try to find it? Why not indeed.


Almamay said...

Oh, exciting news! Good news as well. My consultant in Athens says that us 40's and over ladies do better with less drugs. She was right in my case

sarzini said...

You don't know until you try. I say go for it!

joanie said...

why not INDEED! ;)
stranger things have happened....

calliope said...

hells yes, indeed!
You sound amazing.