Friday, January 16, 2009

Driving (myself up the wall, to school, you to boredom...)

I had an acu session yesterday. School has been kicking my butt, and I felt that as part of my new "get super healthy" plan, I may as well get continuing treatment of the thing that I am studying. Ahhh. It was fabulous. I felt like I hadn't relaxed in months like I did on that table. And it fixed the low back pain that has been a constant feature lately. Except that I then drove 40+ miles to school, spent an entire day sitting at desks, and then drove 40+ miles back, so my back pain has now returned with a vengeance. But maybe with repeated treatments, and some herbal medicine, and some weight loss and exercise, maybe it'll go. Cutie acu told me I'll feel better once I finish school. Hmm, yeah, thanks dude.

Anyhoo, cutie acu is going to the school one day a week to take a continuing ed course, and he'll also be teaching there next semester (not my class, unfortunately - we're still way too basic to have him), so he suggested that we carpool. Which is, like, totally awesome, as I can pick his brains while we're driving, and revel in his cuteness and niceness at the same time. And save some gas money.

The new loudmouth girl has disappeared. I guess the one class that she did scared her off. Oh well, easy come, easy go.

In non-school news, I have been brooding again over past fertility-related mistakes. Even stuff such as "WHY didn't I try harder with" and "WHY didn't I start TTC earlier?" - I'm driving myself slightly cuckoo. I guess it's all coming back up because of starting my new life, and going back to acu, as the last treatment I had was during the last IVF. It is strange how the smallest of things can bring up the old feelings all over again. Although this time I am not brooding on things I did while trying to conceive, it's all stuff before that - why did I waste my whole twenties and 6 years of my thirties? Why, why, why? Why the eff am I still pathetically single? Ugh. I am trying to see this as part of healing - that I'm no longer brooding over TTC, but pre-TTC stuff, so eventually I'll get back to a point in time where I didn't make mistakes and will have nothing left to brood over. Hah, it's probably wishful thinking, I know.


Calliope said...

first off- that is awesome that you & cutie acu can carpool. Maybe you guys can work together once you are all graduated...

As for the stuff that boils up? I hate that you are being hard on yourself. I also don't think the ttc door or the door is closed. I think you are just in another room working on another aspect of your life. I am constantly in awe of your take charge attitude about your life path.


Rachel B said...

I'm kind of having those same thoughts, since I'll be 35 this year, and thought I'd be in such a different place in life right now.
I keep telling myself that it's my own fault I wasted 6 years with a guy who made it clear that he had NO INTEREST in marriage or kids.
Guess we have to just live with the choices we've made and try to find the good things about them, and be nicer to ourselves.