I never knew.

Huh, so. You never know what is going on beneath the surface of someone's life, do you?

A little backstory.

My local RE has 3 clinics, the main one and two satellite clinics. One of the satellite clinics is more local to me than the main office, so I try to go there whenever possible. Unfortunately, up until about 6 months ago, they shared office space with a perinatologist, so there were always pregnant bellies walking past - and being that it was a peri, not an OB, there weren't the happiest faces on top of the bellies. Anyhoo. The ultrasound tech there, Franny, was the loveliest loveliest person. A genius with the u/s wand - could find follicles hidden where noone else could, without hurting me. I loved having her do my u/s's. Until she too got visibly pregnant. And then it was just damn hard, seeing the pregnant bellies in the waiting room and then hers. I mean, she never ever said anything about it, and would sometimes smile ruefully at me, so she wasn't in your face about the belly, but it was hard to ignore. I was all "god damn, I can't even go to the infertility clinic without the damn fertiles rubbing their damn big bellies in my face." Eventually she went on maternity leave, I saw her bring in the baby once, and then didn't really see her again. I guess she left.

Cut to today.

I went to have the blood work done to ship to Big New Clinic to make the decision on the whole surge situation. The chatty nurse, Karen, was saying "oh, so you did decide to keep cycling, then?" I told her about being booted out by Dr. M, and not being ready to give up on my eggs. She asked what the blood tests today were for, and if I was cycling right now, and how the traveling was. So I started to explain about the coculture thing, assuming she wouldn't know what it was as it's kind of rare. "Oh, yes, coculture," she says. "That's what Franny did - you remember Franny, right?" "Huh?" I said, "Franny did IVF? I didn't know that". So then I get the full explanation. Franny did 7, count 'em, 7 IVFs for unexplained infertility, and adopted a daughter, before doing one final last ditch cycle at Big New Clinic. Yup, Dr. M. recommended his own staff member go to Big New Clinic. She did coculture. She too didn't want to give up on her own eggs without one last ditch attempt at the best place possible. Her 8th IVF worked, and resulted in the birth of her son.

Wow. I never knew. I assumed she was a fertile. It just goes to show that you never really know what's going on.

Anyway, update on the surge later. Yesterday's tests were negative, although a tad darker than previous days. We'll see. I'm expecting to be bumped but perhaps that's just the pessimism talking.

Delinquent

My LH surge is now officially a delinquent. A truant. A bad kid, not turning up to school on time.

I got a phone call from the coculture scheduler at Big New Clinic because I was supposed to have surged by now. And I haven't. I have to go and get bloodwork done in the morning and faxed to them STAT so that they can see if my surge has come and gone or if it is on its way. And if it doesn't make it here tomorrow, well I'm not quite sure what will happen. If I'm lucky, I'll get bumped to Thursday for the coculture biopsy. If I'm unlucky, I'll have to wait a whole 'nother freaking month because of their lab closure.

I want to cry.

I mean, as setbacks go, it's not that huge, and I've had worse. Far worse. But, you know, this is Big New Clinic. New place, new hope, and all that. I didn't want things going wrong before I even get there.

Fuck it.

Come on LH surge. Get with the program, already.

Waitin' for the surge to come..

I'm just waitin'
Waitin' for the surge to come

No LH surge yet. I'm pee sticking away, but nothing. And it's cycle day 15. I've got until Wednesday (possibly Thursday) before we have to cancel the coculture biopsy for the 13th, so a few days yet, but I'd really like to see that positive ovulation test soon. Please, universe?

It's weird, after I got off the pill and started TTC'ing, I was mostly a cycle day 13 ovulator, and worried that it was too early, that my eggs wouldn't be mature, and all that jazz. I stressed out over it, wishing it was a bit later, wondering if this was the start of the slide into perimenopause. I always used to have 29 day cycles before the pill, so figured that my norm must have previously been a cycle day 15 ovulation. So I wanted to go back to that. And even last year, during the IVFs, I'd have a late ovulation the first cycle off drugs, but if I went to a second cycle, it clicked back to normal. Day 13. Except now. Now I've had a day 17 ovulation, a day 19 and a day ??. Hmmmm. Weirdness. I don't like weirdness. I mean, if day 19 was normal for me, it'd all be fine. I just don't like weirdness.

So, come on luteinizing hormone. Do your thang, please.

Buh-bye blood

5 vials of blood. Gone. Off to the lab for testing for all manner of dread diseases. And some not so dread diseases.

But it got me thinking - how much blood volume have I lost to testing since starting to TTC? I mean, sure, it's probably not as much as if the ridiculous Americans would let me donate blood. Which I would gladly do, and used to do in England. Except here they think I have mad cow disease because of my residence in the aforementioned England during the period between 1980 and 1996. Even though I've been a vegetarian since 1988. And you'd think if I was going to get sick I would have started showing some symptoms by now. But I digress. I've had the HIV and other dread disease tests done 3 times now. The first time, it was more than 10 vials, now it's down to 5 as I don't have to repeat things like varicella and Tay Sachs testing. I seem to have done 13 cycle day 2 blood draws (didn't have them done on unmedicated cycles) and 14 progesterone checks. Don't know how many betas. Don't know how many mid-cycle estrogen checks (well, I could count them up, but I don't want to scare myself). Then bloodwork for the laparoscopy. Oh, and there was the immune and clotting testing - that was several vials too.

Let's just say, it's probably a whole leg full of blood. If not a leg and a half

I expect a good arm full will go to Big New Clinic, as I know they draw a shitload of blood for the coculture work. As well as all the estrogen tests. Sigh.

In other news, my trusty BBT thermometer finally died the other day. Yet another reminder of how long I have been doing this. It was actually my second thermometer, as the first one went screwy after only a month or two. But this one had lasted over 2 years, so it was my trusty friend. I decided to buy a regular digital thermometer yesterday, as I have no plans to be doing the old temperature charting for much longer, but I went to Walgreen's as it was close to where I went out for dinner. I hate Walgreen's, by the way. Always have, always will I imagine. Anyway, I paid $7.99 for a crappy useless digital thermometer - when I got home and tested it, my temp was apparently 95.3. Yeah right. And this morning it was 96.7. I never have a 96 temp in the morning. Never. So clearly Walgreen's brand of thermometers are a bunch of crap and now I think I'm going to have to go back to CVS and buy a real BBT thermometer again and stop messing about. And it's all because Big New Clinic doesn't use BCPs and wants you to monitor for your LH surge before doing the coculture and before starting lupron or estrogen. While I could rely just on the ovulation pee sticks, I'd much rather have the backup of knowing I got the right date because it was followed a day or two later by a nice temp rise.

Holy crap I had a lot of gray hair!

Behold: the grand hairdye experiment of 2007. Doesn't look much different in person, or in these photos I think, but I guess it depends on the lighting. This "before" shot showed the grays up when it was big, but now that I resized it to fit on the page, I'm not sure you can see them. I got one friend to admit that she saw less gray after the dye, although she had to qualify with "not that you could see that much gray before". Indeed. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Before:



After:



Oh, and can I just say gratuitously: hot damn! I have cute hair. Thanks Stephanie! ;)

It's in the stars!

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22

A change is about to land in your life, and you're ready for it. If anything, you've been anticipating it for ages. Unlike most changes, this one will live up to its promise -- and then some. Get ready to rumble!

I hope this is what I have really been anticipating for ages. Wouldn't that be nice? Landing a hot man for some steamy sex would be nice too.

But I did dye my hair this morning, so there's already a change. Actually you can't really tell the difference, but I took "before" shots last night and will take the "after" shots tonight when I get home (my hair was still wet when I left the house this morning!). You can see for yourself then.

Eek, part 2

I have been researching and ordering some new skincare items lately, as I used to alternate between cheap and not so cheap moisturizers and all of a sudden was using a daytime cheapy at the same time as a nighttime cheapy and was getting wrinkles and crepy skin. Ugh. So I decided I need to step it up and stop with the cheap stuff already. And by cheap stuff, I don't mean Olay, I mean the generic copy of Olay. Yes, what can I say? I'm cheap. But no longer on the moisturizers, my friends. No longer.

So it got me thinking about my whole appearance, and on a whim I actually bought some hair dye yesterday. Gasp! So I'm planning on dyeing sometime between now and next weekend. I expect that it'll be a pretty subtle effect, and I'm hoping for just highlights where it dyes the grays but leaves the black ones as they are, but we'll see. I promise that photos will follow.

And, and here's the eek part, I just booked myself a facial. In a fancy spa in NY!! THE fancy spa in NY that sends out the lovely catalogs with expensive skincare products. Oh my God, I think I'm lightheaded.

Eek!

I just booked my flights for my coculture trip to NY!

Eek!

I know the date of the coculture is not certain and might change, but Jet Blue had some $99 tickets still available for the dates I would travel IF it goes ahead as planned. Given that their tickets are $299 each way without the good deals, which is a difference of $400 on a round trip, and that it only costs $30 to cancel or change the ticket (plus any difference in fares), I figured I should just bite the bullet and hope for the best. There weren't many seats left, so they definitely book up fast!

I booked my pap and cervical culture appointment at my local clinic, and wasn't able to get anything until March 9th. As the biopsy is planned for March 13th I of course freaked out that this wouldn't be good enough as the results wouldn't be back in time. Luckily I managed to speak to the coculture scheduler who said it was OK. So all I have to do now is get the blood tests done, which just involves turning up at one of those big testing places and I've got everything planned. I think. Just so long as my LH surge complies, that is.

Weighty thinking

It's so easy for the written word to be misunderstood. I'd like to state that the purpose of my last post was not to whine about my weight. Yes, I am obsessing over it, but I'm obsessing over it because I'm dieting. I'm trying to get to a certain target weight by a certain date. It's on my mind because I count points every day. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - having a clear goal in mind helps keep me focussed. And I'm obsessing over it because I noticed that a rapid increase in my weight appeared to have given me problems in my last two IVFs. I thought I'd post about my observations because, well, that's what I do. I was mildly interested in the potential link between dulce de leche ice cream and harder ultrasound scans. Between pizza and gas in the bowel. Between Chinese food and mobile ovaries that can't be reached for egg retrieval. If that motivates someone else to try to drop 10lbs, well, that's not a bad thing either.

I know I'm not very overweight. I know I am not infertile because of my weight. I do not blame myself for being infertile - yes, I have gone through a stage of that, but it was because of other things from my life that I have not discussed on this blog. Trust me, there are plenty of other things that I could lay blame on, and weight is not one of them. But I don't, because I don't blame myself - if anything, the blame is due to me waiting too long to find the right man, because I didn't know that I should have TTC'ed in my early thirties. But I'm not psychic so how was I to know when aging would affect things? Hells bells, as far as the weight goes, I was a normal weight when I started TTC. If my problems were caused by weight, well, I wouldn't have any problems because I would have got knocked up in the first six months when I was still a normal weight.

So there we are. It is what it is. I don't know why we can't say that a bit of excess weight could be bad without implying that weight causes IF and that we brought it on ourselves. Weight is only an issue in IF when it causes PCOS and insulin resistance. If you don't have either of those, your weight is not the root cause of your IF. Having said that, the studies still hold that IVF success rates drop with increasing BMI. IVF cancellation rates rise with increasing BMI. It's a good thing to do WW and try to drop a few pounds. Doesn't have to be a drastic amount, but a few pounds less is a good thing. Stop with the digital all or nothing thinking, already.

In less ranty news, I got my information packet from Big New Clinic, and have to race around next week trying to get bloodwork and cervical cultures done. And a pap, I think. Despite the coculture scheduler telling me I only need to get everything done by my IVF cycle, the paperwork clearly says it needs to be done by the biopsy date, which is what I originally thought. And as HIV results take a few weeks to come back, I'm now cutting it fine on having everything ready.

The weight thing

So, I've been obssessing about the weight thing a lot lately. Hey, why not? At least it stops me obssessing about my ovaries.

You see, during my first year TTC when I was doing IUIs, I gained about 12lbs. I distinctly remember my first RE appointment when I weighed in at 155lbs. I did that first IVF cycle, which was cancelled and converted to IUI, at about 167lbs. For my height, I always thought the top end of normal weight was 156lbs, as that's what the charts used to say, but weight watchers and other charts I've checked recently say it is 160lbs. Whatever, I was less than 10lbs over for that first IVF. I wasn't so surprised when it didn't work, as the previous 8 IUI cycles prior to that hadn't worked either. So I managed to keep my weight in check, and did the second one at 167lbs as well. Well, prior to stimming I was 162lbs, as I'd managed to lose a bit, but I piled it on during stimming. After the negative from that cycle, I completely lost it. I binged on ice cream, booze, pizza, pasta, chocolate, Chinese food and anything else I could get my hands on. I really was thrown by how devastating failing a complete IVF cycle is.

By the time of my third IVF, I was up to 179lbs. Too much weight gain, too quickly. I started having problems with the ultrasound scans - they were fuzzier, and the techs always complained of gas in my bowels, or that they couldn't find my left ovary. I mean, there'd always been a problem finding my left ovary, but it was worse. My egg quality was markedly worse, but that could have been unrelated. I thought the gas in the bowel problem was due to the foods I was eating at the time, so for the next IVF I tried to eat fewer gas-producing foods. I tried to up my protein intake as well.

Well, of course, failing another IVF had me comfort eating again. Even though I managed to lose 5lbs after the cycle, before going to Clear Passage, I couldn't maintain it as the allure of birthday cake, Halloween candy and Thanksgiving food was too much to resist, and went up again. To 184lbs. So even though I was now back to eating slightly healthier, and with more protein, I had more problems with the ultrasounds. More gas in the bowel. This time, the RE couldn't even do the retrieval on my left ovary because it was misplaced. It just wandered off to snuggle up with the fat around my intestines. Apart from the one good embryo, my egg quality sucked again, and I had a very low fertilization rate.

At first, I thought some of the egg quality issues were just age related, but really it had only been a few months. They could have been stimulation protocol related, but I don't think there would have been that much difference. I thought they might be diet related, you know, with the lack of protein, and the higher sugar intake, and there's probably something to that. But I wonder now if it was weight related. Purely derived from the quantity of fat in my gut that was soaking up the meds. Now, I couldn't say for certain that it was due to the quantity of fat, or the fact that I'd gained the weight quickly, but I think there's something in it.

So that's one reason why I've set myself a big goal of being back to under 167lbs for the next IVF. Just to see if being at that weight again will help with the IVF cycles. Not that I will be able to tell much, because I'll be on a different protocol, but the ultrasounds should be easier again, and I hope not to have to give up on an entire ovary just because it is too surrounded by fat to be in the proper place. Preferably I'd like to be under 166, as that takes me down to the 25's as far as BMI is concerned. I definitely want to get under 172, as my new RE has published research on the effects of obesity and IVF*, and used a BMI of greater than 27 as the definition for obesity even though the standard definition is a BMI of greater than 30. But, he's my RE! I don't want him thinking I'm obese! I don't want to think I'm obese either, for that matter. For me, 172=26.9, so that'll put me under that magic 27. That should be easily do-able by the coculture biopsy date. What will be a bit harder is getting under 166 or 167, but I'm determined to give it my best shot.

Today = 173.5, and counting. BMI = 27.2 which I calculated using this handy dandy BMI calculator

*Just in case you were wondering, they didn't find a difference in pregnancy rates with increased weight, but did find a difference in cancellation rates, and in the number of eggs retrieved. Pregnancy rate is of course the most important thing, but given that I have tended to be a poor responder, I think if I could just get one or two more eggs, it might up my chances a little bit more.

It is ON people, it is on

I have been pencilled in for an endometrial biopsy for March 13th. I have booked the hotel. I think this might really happen! Woo-hoo!

Of course, this presupposes that my LH surge will take place between cycle days 12 and 19, so let's hope, eh.

In diet news, I have lost 10lbs. Yay me. I am now back at the weight I was when I went to Clear Passage and met Calli. Now, if only I can keep going down. My goal is to be back at the weight I was for my first two IVF cycles.

The tyranny of positive thinking

I have been reading an interesting conversation on one of the IF boards about the tyranny of positive thinking. I think it deserves more consideration.

There's a big movement in the mind/body/spirit world which says you create your own reality. The Secret is all about this in the form of the law of attraction. I absolutely believe that this is good stuff, up to a point. I mean, I'm sure we all know people who are very toxic and negative and always attract bad things and situations to themselves. My brother is one of those people. So, yes, I absolutely think being positive, and willing good things to come into your life, along with maintaining a sunny and upbeat disposition, can do wonders for your life.

But this gets translated by the general public and the media into a sort of frenzied hype, that because we create our own realities, we must therefore bring bad things upon ourselves. It's an extension of how the public misunderstands karma. Disabled? Diseased? You must have brought it upon yourself by being bad in a former lifetime/thinking bad and negative things. That all these things are punishments rained down upon us by the universe for not being good people. And of course, by extension, this means that our smug sisters-in-law or cousins or whoever who have everything going right for them, must be good people. Us = bad, them = good. It must be nice to be able to sit in judgement like that.

What they don't realize about karma, for example, is that we may have prayed fervently in our former life to be kind and non-judgemental, and in order for us to truly live this reality, we end up disabled. It is what we wanted, and could be a blessing, not a punishment. After all, how many truly kind and compassionate people are there in life who are also millionaire trust fund babies? Not that many. But I bet the kind and compassionate people are more spiritually evolved than those who get their own way all the time. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. Or maybe our disability or disease is just a random thing - someone's car rammed into us because they were not paying attention. Did I attract the car to hit me? I don't think so. I don't think everything in life is preordained. Equally, I believe that cancer and other diseases like infertility do not strike because we are not positive about life. They happen. We didn't do it to ourselves. It isn't a punishment on us. Maybe it happened because humanity as a whole is polluting the planet, and we are more sensitive to this pollution than others. Maybe it is just a simple cell division that went wrong once, and then repeated itself. The flap of a butterfly's wings that turned into something major. It may even be a blessing in the long run, But because people can't see the blessing in disease until they go through it, all they can think is us = bad, and them = good.

The old black and white equation. Life comes down to a series of zeros and ones. Bad/good. Us/them. Right/wrong.

And of course, if the treatments for our disease are not working, it must be our fault for not being positive enough. Or not praying enough. Or whatever. There are some articles on this from the cancer world:

http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/all_page?item_id=7038

http://www.bcaction.org/Pages/LearnAboutUs/WelcomeToCancerland.html

However, is it correct to say that positive thinking has NO bearing on treatment outcomes? I'm not sure I can say that with any certainty, just like I couldn't say that my theory that my IF isn't a punishment is a load of hogwash. Life isn't certain, you see. It's all grayscale. Murky. Unfathomable. Not answerable by a yes or no answer. Or by 42 for that matter.

Where am I going with this rambling post? I think there's a middle way. I think there's room for positive thinking in the IF world. That we need to go into an IVF cycle hoping for and believing the best will happen. That it may have some small influence on the outcome, perhaps because we are relaxing while doing our positive thinking. But that it's not our fault if it doesn't work, nor is it a punishment handed out by a vengeful universe because we are bad or not as worthy as our fertile counterparts. It is what it is. Sucky. Life not going according to plan.

So, in other words, I retain the right to snap at you for telling me that I HAVE to remain positive. Equally, I'm going to do all I damn well can in order to TRY to remain positive.

Jumping Jacks Don't Work

I had some spotting yesterday afternoon, so dutifully did some jumping jacks AND some abdominal crunches. And nothing. Still only spotting until this morning when the floodgates opened.

Sigh.

This is stressing me out mightily as far as arranging accommodation in NY. I just don't think I can book an apartment if things are going to vary like this. I need to wait at least until next cycle is done, and then the nice cheap apartments may very well all be gone. But I think I may just have to wait and see otherwise I could be two weeks off in my booking! And I'd hate to be paying rent for two weeks in NY when I'm in FL.

Oh well, happy Year of the Pig to all. I am off to a Chinese New Year celebration today at a tea wholesaler. Never quite done that before, but why not, eh? It's the Year of the Golden Pig, I understand, which is supposed to be very lucky. I hope to be lucky enough to have a baby who's a Golden Pig, but we'll see if the universe grants me that wish. Or not.

Oh for fuck's sake

Still no period.

In the last two cycles I have had a 10-day luteal phase (or possibly a 12-day luteal phase, not sure), and now we're on day 16 and counting. Based on temperature. If I go on ovulation predictor results, I'm on day 17. So we'll ignore that, shall we, and say 16 days. I thought the luteal phase wasn't supposed to change cycle to cycle? Where are all the experts now, huh? I mean, I know this is coming off a year of IVF's so things are bound to be screwy, but I used to have such a lovely, predictable 14 day luteal phase. Why did it have to go this haywire?

I'm now starting to get really pissed off. I don't know how much more PMS I can take, or how much chocolate I can possibly eat because of it. I'm tired of running to the bathroom frequently to check what's going on. I'm just tired of this.

And what's worse, now I'm stressing that I'll miss the cutoff date for the endometrial biopsy, and I'll have to wait until May to cycle. May! I don't want to wait that long. I've got to get the biopsy done by March 15th, before the lab shuts. And there are only so many slots to fill, so even if everything complies, I may still get bumped.

Fucking hurry up and get a move on, Aunt Flo, or I may have to do something drastic. Like jumping jacks.

Missing Person Alert

Lost: my aunt, Florence Crimsontide. Answers to the name of "Aunt Flo".

Last seen: 34 days ago. Should be checking in every 29 days.

Should have been home this morning, at the latest. Is absent minded and prone to poor timekeeping - turning up when not wanted, and refusing to put in an appearance when needed. Is very much needed today so that I can let Big New Clinic know where she is, as they are anxiously waiting for her.

Apartment hunting

I seem to have become obssessed with finding accommodation in New York. You see, I'll be taking a couple of trips up there over the next few months for...something. One of them being a long trip with lots of appointments somewhere, if you get my drift.

Sorry I'm being obscure - just trying to continue to fake Google out.

Anyhoo, so, hotel accommodation in New York is freakishly expensive. Even though a lower cost hotel is available to me, it is still going to cost maybe $2500 to go on this trip. Which is a whole heck of a lot of money. So I'm looking around for an apartment. Except that if you want to rent for less than a month, you know, say 10-14 days, a lot of places won't take you. And you have to pony up an exhorbitant security deposit. And then there are agency fees to pay to the website that you found the apartment on in the first place. So it's kind of freaking me out.

My acu has a friend who has an apartment there, and she offered to grovel to this friend on my behalf. I don't know if this friend will expect money, if so, how much money or even where the apartment is. Apparently, it's in "the 60's". I don't think the acu was very pleased with me when I whined that it had better be in the east 60's and not the west 60's. I mean, hello? Central Park is a pretty big obstacle to get around at 7 in the morning if one is trying to get somewhere. The acu said it didn't matter as I'd be taking a cab. Uh, no, actually, I'll be walking if I can because I'm cheap and spending a fortune as it is. I'll take the subway if I have to, but supposing there's a day where I might get some sedation, I'd prefer to be able to stumble 1 block home rather than navigate cabs or subway lines. I mean, it's super super nice of her to grovel to this friend, and if it works out and is cheap (or even, can I dare to hope, free?), it would be amazing. But I feel like I need to know NOW where the darn place is, if it is available for the time I need it, and how much it'll be.

Then there's various websites for apartments. I have an internet buddy who I may be able to share a one month rental with - depending on timing and all that jazz. So that would mean a lower cost, but we'd have to get at least a one bedroom so that there's two beds. Which bumps the price up again. But still, it could work out very well. So I signed up to receive landlord emails from one site as it was free, and otherwise it would cost $85 for 60 days just to respond to the ads. I got this email (I have taken the phone number out where it says phone # in italics, but otherwise it reads exactly as I received it, asterisks and all).

FOR EXPEDIENCY, PLEASE ALWAYS REFER TO THE INQUIRY NUMBER WE SEND YOU WHEN WE OFFER AN APARTMENT.

Dear, SARAH ***** our apartment are excellent clean ect. your comming in hight season if you need less than $3,000.00 you need a studio please call us @ phone # or please provide a phone # thank you,*****

Thank you for your e-mail. Please let me offer you the following:

And then the same person bombarded me for the three following days to see if I wanted to book any apartments. One of which was listed on the site at $600 less per month than I was being offered it for. Bad English AND unscrupulous pricing practices? No thanks.

Bah humbug. Anyone got a fabulous apartment they'd like to let me stay in for free in New York?

Happy Valentine's Day!

You know, I used to loathe Valentine's Day. Being single, and all, it was all a bit too "salt in the wounds" for my taste. But strangely, this year I find myself not caring a hoot. I could care less. I do not give a fig. Why anyone would want a fig from me, I don't know, but I'm not going to give you one no matter how much you whine. The thought of getting boring ass red roses from an unimaginative man, of having to go out to dinner with all the other couples being couple-y, of having obiligatory Valentine's sex. Meh. No thanks. Not that I wouldn't love a nice romp in the hay with a gorgeous hunk, hell, or even a good cuddling session, but I don't need the obligatoriness of it all. The lack of thought that goes into most Valentine's presents or cards. That I have no need of.

So, there you have it. Bizarrely I'm in an excellent mood. Still no sign of the M that comes with PMS, can't stuff my face with chocolate because it has too many calories (though I will have some), can't drown my sorrows in wine because of the old calorie thing either. But so far, today's a good day. Who knew?

Twelves on Tuesday

After my struggles with positive thinking, I ordered a new agey DVD last week and it arrived last night. You may have heard of it. It has "secret" in the title and not much else apart from a definite article. It's on the best seller lists. It was pretty darn good, I have to say. All about the law of attraction, and how we attract what we think of. But we have to be careful what we think of, because if we're thinking "I don't want more debt" all that comes through is the word "debt" so that's precisely what we get more of. We should instead think "I want more money" so we'll get it. But it's not good enough just to think it, we have to feel it too. We have to try to get excited about all this lovely money (or whatever it is) coming into our lives.

I think I will be watching it several times over, so I can try to visualize my babies coming to me, and that'll be my positive thinking stuff for this cycle. I've tried so many different meditation CDs and they don't really work for me. I mean, I actually don't think my body is broken, and all these infertility CDs seem to be all about trying to make my think my body is not broken. Uh, OK, already there. I think my body is working pretty well - I mean, feed it junk food, not enough protein and too much alcohol and it'll get fat and infertile. So, it's responding appropriately, right?

So, there we are, the plan for this cycle:

1. Move to top clinic. Check.
2. Eat lots more protein. Check.
3. Lose weight. Working on it, so half a check.
4. Really feel the positivity. Trying.

As for yesterday's Blue Monday, well, after I posted, I realized that this is prime PMS time, so I think that explains the funk. And the fact that the diet is not making my weight budge at the moment, despite me being good, so it must be water retention. Although, I am happy to report that today I am back in a pair of size 12 pants (or size 16 trousers to any UK readers out there). Whoop! This is the first time in months that I have been able to wear size 12's. OK, they are a roomy size 12, but hey. So I took most of the 16's out of the closet this morning, and put them in the "donate" pile, that I hope to get rid of this weekend. No going back! I only want to keep one size up from where I am, so that WHEN I get pregnant I have slightly larger stuff for the first trimester.

Blue Monday

I got me some grandpa time at the weekend, before he heads back to dear old blighty, and also saw my cousin, before he heads off for 2 months in India. Must be nice, eh? Here am I, spending all my cash and then some on fertility treatments, stressing about money, not being able to take vacation because my next IVF cycle IS my vacation. And there's my cousin, perpetual student, spending a year travelling here and there before he does his masters degree. It took him 12 years to get his bachelor's degree, by the way, so we'll have to see how long the master's degree takes, once he finally gets started. I guess he's a true Gen X'er, and I'm just a fraud that got sucked into the corporate "career" bullshit. Man, I'd love to be flying to India for some adventure.

I'm tired of working a shitty job that I hate, just to keep earning good money and to stay in the country. I'm tired of fertility treatments that put my life on hold. And I'm just plain tired. I seem to be so busy lately, that I'm not getting much time to rest. And the anxiety dreams about babies (or more precisely, the lack thereof) have started up again, so it's disturbing my sleep.

Anyway, enough of my whining. Maybe I'm just in a rainy Monday morning slump. Happy Monday, y'all.

Friday fandango

Thanks for the positive thinking comments. I ordered a new-agey DVD so we'll see if that helps. It still hurts just as bad whether you've tried to "protect" yourself, or whether you've given full reign to the new baby fantasies, so I've decided to just go whole hog on the fantasies this time.

Not much else going on with me, except that I seem to be developing (gasp) a social life. I basically cut myself off for a while there, as my previous social life revolved around going to bars and drinking a lot. And if you're trying to conceive, that's not the sort of thing you can really do, is it? Add to that, the whole depression thing because I wasn't getting knocked up, and it didn't make for much fun going on.

Well, I've been trying to open myself up for new things. It's also helped that most of my childless friends here, who are all younger than me, are now finally in their 30's, and are starting to slow down. Finally! It seems that gradually they're coming to realize that a nice quiet dinner at a neighborhood restaurant is a pretty fine way to spend an evening, and that "going out" doesn't have to involve a night club. I have a Chinese New Year celebration at a tea importers, and a couple of dinners with work colleagues coming up. I went out twice last weekend, and will probably mosey on down to Miami this weekend. Not bad, really. Not bad at all. IVF breaks are good for the soul, I tell ya.

Still haven't ordered any donor sperm, and I'm starting to fret now that the donor will have sold out, so I'm trying to get up the courage to at least check the bank's website to see if he's still listed. We'll see. Hopefully Big New Clinic will move this weekend, or early next week, and then I'll get on to ordering the stuff.

Positive thinking or loony?

I seek advice, oh great blogosphere. How does one really do the positive thinking thing without turning into or feeling like a loony?

Case in point: me. Well, of course, what did you expect? It's all about me. In previous cycles, I have always talked myself into positivity saying "it's going to work this time", "my eggs are growing well and are good quality, my uterus is a plushy, welcoming home", etc, etc. You know, all that jazz. With a few Ohhhmmmms thrown in for good measure. Of course, by the end of the 2 week wait, it's usually turned into "pleeeaase let it work this time".

So this time, I thought I should try things differently. I'm trying to live the feeling that it's going to work. I'm being really specific. I'm talking to the cat and telling her that "this time next year, Charlotte and Audrey will be home, and I'll be on maternity leave". Hey, I figured why not shoot for the moon? I try to imagine relaxing with them, breastfeeding (because of course in my imagination not only do I have perfectly healthy, gorgeous twin girls, but breastfeeding is an absolute breeze). I think about the stroller I'll get, and walking them around the block, going to the supermarket, getting in the car. Life, the universe and everything. Only sometimes it turns into "well, maybe Henry and Patrick will be home, or Charlotte and Henry, or just one of them" and I start feeling like an idiot. And sometimes I have to say "Babies? You know I'm just being specific, right, and that's just for ease of communication, but if you want to come through just as one person or as boys, that's really cool too. Anything you want, in your own good time. But I reserve the right to pick different names." And then I feel more of a loon.

Sigh. How on earth do you do this in a meaningful, specific way?

Random crap

I don't have a coherent post for the day (so, nothing new, really) but here's a bunch of random crap:

1. I am all of a dither about ordering more donor sperm for this cycle. My donor is at a perilously low stock level, but I want to delay a little more, at least until Big New Clinic has moved into its new location, which should be next week. And I don't want them to think I'm a complete fruitcake by shipping sperm to them more than 2 months in advance. But I do need to order soon as otherwise my donor will be all sold out and then I'll have to go through the agony of choosing another one.

2. I have preliminarily booked a room for my IVF cycle, and for the coculture, at the medical hotel affiliated with the hospital with which Big New Clinic is affiliated. But it's durn expensive. Less than a hotel, but durn expensive. I understand that they are flexible with dates once you are in the system, so I didn't have to specify exactly, but the cheaper rooms are already gone for the end of April which is when I think I'll be doing the IVF. Yowsers, they really do book up fast. I'll be trying to book a short-term apartment nearer the time.

3. My acupuncturist said she was going to confer with the other acu at the practice, and see if we can do anything different before my cycle. Now, I was hoping for different, but I got the distinct impression that she meant me only going every two weeks while I'm on a break, and not an actual change in needling protocol. Sigh.

4. The diet was going fabulously well until Saturday (8lbs in total!), when I was quite sinful. But oh well, I've got the rest of the week to get rid of the extra I've gained. At least I am back in my "super fat" clothes, and was able to do up a couple of pairs of pants in the "fat" size. They were a tad pornographic as they were so tight, but at least I got them done up! Maybe I'll be able to drop another size in a few weeks. Yay!

5. I keep thinking about how I promised a photo-filled blog, and have then posted precisely one picture. Well, there was a snafu with the memory card for the new camera. Or in other words, the staff at the big box electronics retailer know eff all and recommend the wrong things. I promise I'll do my best to fix the situation THIS WEEK. Promise.

Playing tag

I've been tagged by Katty.

I've kind of been avoiding it, because I'm supposed to tell you 6 weird things about myself. But here's the problem. I don't actually think I'm that weird. I think I'm depressingly normal. Now, if you asked the people I know IRL, I'm sure they could come up with any number of weird things about me, but somehow I gloss over my own personal idiosyncrasies and think I'm just like the next person. Maybe that should be item #1.

But anyway, here goes. Six weird things about me:

1. I am weird about joining organizations. Basically, if they want me, I don't want to be part of them! As an example, as a kid I wanted to join Mensa just to prove to my brother that I really am a genius. I spent years thinking how I'd join and show him. When I finally got the guts to apply, I took the test and they accepted me. And then all of a sudden I decided that the people in Mensa were a bunch of pompous snobs because the point of the organization appeared to be basically to tell people how smart you were, and I didn't want to be a part of it. And I can't play chess. So I didn't join after all that effort.
2. I am afraid of birds. Birds, ew. Nasty feathery, beaky, clawy things. They make me think of Hitchcock movies. And don't get me started on pigeons. Pigeons = rats with wings.
3. I am secretly in love with my toes. I have square feet with really short toes. That other people probably think are far too stubby. But I think they are cute, and don't like to look at people's feet when they have really long toes. Especially toes that bend! Or worse, toes that bend up in the middle and then down again. Ugh.
4. My idea of "drying my hair" is to open my car windows on the way to work. I have had to refrain from returning to various hair stylists after they couldn't hide their disdain for my slobby ways.
5. I like to eat butter. Straight up butter. In chunks or slices. As a snack. You may go and vomit now if you like.
6. I have a degree in physics, and I'm weird about telling people what I studied because I think their reactions to it are weird. It's like suddenly they think you're Einstein, and frankly I killed all those brain cells with alcohol abuse so there's not much of that stuff still left in there. Or they think I'm embarrassed about it as that's the only possible reason they can come up with as to why I have been reticent about owning up. It's very good for the ego to be a chick studying physics, by the way, as you go from being a high school dork to suddenly being one of the cool girls in college. Of course, being cool in the physics program is a pretty low bar, but hey.

It'll be April

I just spoke to the IVF scheduler for Dr. S., who finally called me back after I called first thing this morning and she said she'd have to have the notes first before talking to me. There's no chance of doing the endometrial biopsy next week, so she has tentatively scheduled me for the end of February/beginning of March.

I have to call on day 1 of my period, and then again when I get the LH surge. Not exactly sure why I need to call on day 1, but she muttered something about giving me instructions on using ovulation predictors. Uh, yuh, I do know how to use them, thanks! But whatever.

So it looks like this will be an April cycle. Which is fine. After some excitement yesterday thinking I might be able to cycle in February, I decided this morning that that would probably involve too much running around like a headless chicken trying to organize finances and trips out of town. And April will give me a chance to lose a bit more weight. S'all good.

The big phone call

OK, I am done with my consult with Dr. S. of Big New Clinic.

He was very nice, and very easy to talk to. Seems like a good guy, which is important. He said he thought they could help me, and that it wasn't necessary to give up on my eggs yet, so that was reassuring to hear.

We went through my sordid history, and it really sounded like he'd studied my medical records carefully. I like that in a doctor - don't like them flipping through as they're speaking to you!

He initially said that we had two options - do a microdose lupron protocol with BCP exactly like my best cycle, which I was very much against, or an estrogen priming protocol, which I liked the sound of much better. I'm not entirely up on what the EPP involves, but as he explained it essentially it involves monitoring for ovulation, then at 10DPO starting estrogen and at 11DPO starting antagon for a few days. Then antagon is stopped. I'm not sure if the estrogen is stopped, as I forgot to ask that question - I think not. Then you stim, and add the antagon back in when the follicles reach a certain size to prevent ovulation. No lupron, no BCPs. I've always been scared of antagon because of my early dominant follicle situation, but he explained that the initial dose of antagon in the previous cycle would take care of all that, and the estrogen would prime the ovaries to be more receptive to FSH. It all sounds very good in theory. I did ask what would happen if I did have a dominant follicle, and he said if I was worried and given my history I could have an u/s down here and if it showed a dominant follicle I could call him and we could cancel there and then if necessary without me flying up to Big City. So that sounds like a good plan.

He also recommended endometrial coculture. Yippee! Exactly what I wanted.

So, I pretty much got what I wanted, a different stim protocol and coculture. I actually wanted to do long lupron or EPP, so if he thinks EPP will help more (due to my low fertilization rate last cycle on long lupron), that is fine by me. I didn't actually even dare hope for him to suggest both EPP and coculture, so the fact that we are trying both is a bonus in my book.

He also said that they trigger with follicles at much smaller sizes than my old clinic - at 17-18mm. So that's another change we will make. He said they get better quality eggs at the smaller size. Hmmm, we'll see about that! Hopefully he is right.

I didn't really have any questions for him. He laughed when I said that Dr. Google was my friend and that I researched everything in advance anyway. I asked about any more tests we could possibly run, and he said I'd had pretty much every test going, so there wasn't any need to do anything extra. I asked about my thyroid level, and he said it looked fine and he'd be more worried if it was closer to 3, but it isn't. He said I'd have to rerun HIV, etc, tests and probably a pap before cycling, but otherwise we could get going whenever I wanted.

I am to call his scheduling coordinator tomorrow and talk to her about when to do the endometrial biopsy and other stuff, and get going from there. Yikes! It looks like I'm really going to do this!

Hair stylin'

It wasn't a gray pube. It was a freak of nature.

It is gray at one end, and brown at the other. Two tone. Half one color, half the other. Like it changed its mind about what color it wanted to be half way through growing. But not gray at the end you would think. Bizarre.

But seriously, ugh.

Anyway, enough about my nether regions. No, wait, this entire blog is about my nether regions one way or another. OK, enough of the use of the word "pube". Today is the day! The big telephone consultation. I tried to have a Word document open on my computer all day yesterday, so I could jot down questions. I came up with three and a half. Two of which I don't think I'll ask. So basically I'll be asking "please can I do coculture? Please? Oh, please? Pretty please? With long lupron? I'll wire the payment for your new Mercedes directly to you, shall I?"

Shock and awe

Oh people, terrible news!!





The worst!

Awful stuff!

The horror!

The shock to my poor fragile heart!









I think I found a gray pube this morning. I almost died. Am I that fucking old? Jeez. I didn't have time to check it out thoroughly, but I really don't think it was a trick of the light. There it was. The thing that I have dreaded. That I always thought "well, at least I don't have to consider myself really past it until I find a gray pube."

Oh dear god.

I. Am. Officially. Ancient.

At 38. Surely I'm too young to have a gray pube? Surely? Perhaps it just went blonde instead? Perhaps I was having hallucinations? Shurely shome mishtake?

Spreadsheets are dull

2 more days to go until my consult! Still no detectable LH surge that I can see, but of course who really knows what the eff is going on. But I might just be able to do the coculture this cycle if this keeps up. Except now I've learned that it requires a 2-day trip to Big New Clinic, because they want to draw blood at least one day prior to the endometrial biopsy. And they only do the biopsies on Tuesday and Thursday.

I did one spreadsheet shift yesterday, typing in my medical expenses. I'm about to start another one, because I got bored yesterday, thought "fuck it" and went off to watch TV. And of course, even though I thought I had collected all my receipts together properly at the end of last year, I am missing some. Specifically IVF fees, which are the biggies. So I'm going to have to rummage around the junk piles/drawers some more.

Sigh. Spreadsheets are dull.

It doesn't help when my trusty feline assistant tries to sit on the receipts. Or my right arm as I'm typing. The right arm thing is obnoxious, if you ask me.

A taxing time

4 more days until my telephone consult with Dr. S. of Big New Clinic! [Can you tell where my head is?]

Got my W-2 today, and as I promised myself that I would do my taxes immediately, instantly, lickety-split, and all that, so that I could get the refund quickly as I need it to pay for some of the next cycle, I immediately jumped onto That Famous Tax Software online to start entering information. I've used the online version for several years now, and I've always liked that it imports information from last year and that you can just stop where you are if you don't have one of the pieces of information, save it, wander off to find the forms or receipts you need, and enter it the next day, or whenever. And it can often import information direct from your bank, which is great for lazy people like me.

Anyway, one thing that I do NOT like this year, is the big box at the top of the screen, which keeps a running total of how much of a refund you are owed in nice green numbers, or (horror!) how much extra tax you owe in nasty blaring red numbers.

I entered my W-2 information, and it came up with a refund of over a grand. Sweet, I thought. By the time I enter my crazily high medical expenses for the year, along with the mortgage deduction and all that, it should be several thousand dollars, which will make a nice dent in the IVF cost. But then the next thing it asked about was income from investments. And I've sold off a lot of mutual funds this year to pay for IVF. After IVF. After IVF. [And I do know how lucky I am to have been able to save enough money over the years to do this, I really do.] So, anyway, off it goes to import the information from the mutual fund company. But for some reason, it doesn't import how much the mutual fund cost, just how much you sold. So initially it works out the tax based on the whole amount that you transferred from savings to checking, as if that amount was all pure profit. And I sat there and watched the "refund" box scroll from a nice green happy number to a nasty red "tax owed" amount of over $8000.

I almost keeled over in shock.

Oh dear god, I thought, how on earth can I afford to pay extra tax, on top of a super-expensive out of state IVF?

But then I realized that you have to input how much you paid in to the mutual fund, and it'll recalculate the tax just on the profit. So I did that. And it's still showing a tax owed, but less than $2000.

I mean, I knew I'd have to pay tax on cashing in my savings, I knew that. I just didn't realize it was going to be quite so much. Ack.

I've stopped for the day, because after all, I do need to do some work. And it wanted information that I don't easily have access to so I need to rummage in the mail pile at home. I just hope it turns back into a refund really soon, once I start entering deductions. Because I was kind of relying on a refund as part of my planning for this cycle. Oh well, this weekend I will be working on a spreadsheet of my medical expenses, and will be knee deep in receipts, so I'm sure I can shock myself all over again with just how much money I've paid out this year.

It's Wednesday!

Not that Wednesday is anything special, but it was the best title I could come up with on the spur of the moment.

I just wanted to post that I seem to be bursting with energy at the moment. I don't know if it is the new herbs, or the extra protein, or some dietary changes I have made, but long may it last. I found a great article at acupuncture.com on vegetarian nutrition, and it has really kind of clicked about how I can eat vegetarian food and still fall within the energy requirements for Chinese medicine. That I can really build myself up from all of these deficiencies without compromising my principles.

As far as the extra protein thing is going, so far so good, but I have already calculated that I need two whey protein drinks today because I had a black bean and rice dish for lunch instead of a soy or other protein type thing. It's going to be difficult to keep up an intake of 60g per day on a long term basis if I fall under 10g of protein for any one meal. Which is easy to do. Now, I confess that I'm not counting protein in vegetables - I know there is some, but it's just too hard to do the math. So I should be getting more than I am counting, but still. 60g is hard to do if you're not monitoring it carefully.

Paperwork

My medical records arrived last night from my old RE, Dr. M., so I copied them this morning, and wrote out a nice summary for the new RE, Dr. S. (oooh, see, how brave of me, I'm "outing" them with initials! But it was going to be too hard to keep track of if I just kept saying "the RE"). Then I went straight to the Post Office the minute that lunch time rolled around, and Priority Mailed it off. It should get there by Friday, I'm thinking, giving him plenty of time to review the records before we speak on Tuesday.

The records were very dull and boring. All very professional stuff. No snide comments about patient's fat thighs or farting under anasthetic or anything. Though I did see a comment about them recommending patient see a dermatologist about nevi on legs. OK, so I have freckly skin! Sheesh. And actually I did go to a dermatologist on their recommendation, who said I don't have skin cancer...yet. Anyway, I digress. The only thing I saw in all the blood tests that was a little off was that my TSH (thyroid hormone) was 2.2 whateverunits. It listed "normal" as being 0.5 to 5.5, but it seems that more recent research implies that normal really should be 0.5 to 2.0. So I'd be a teeny bit higher than that. I'd never been told the numbers of lots of the tests before, just that they were normal, so it was interesting to see the actual values. I shall ask Dr. S. if it is worth retaking that test. I mean, if they're going to send me for a bunch of blood tests anyway to prove that I don't have HIV and all that jazz, why not add on an extra TSH? I also couldn't see a test for the MTHFR gene mutation, which all my other IVF buddies seem to know about, so I'll ask him about that too.

In other news, I bought some ovulation predictor tests yesterday. Man, it took me back to when this was all new and exciting and when I actually used things like that. But Dr. S. is big into co.culture so if he recommends that for me (which I'm sure he will) at some point I will have to go to Big New Clinic on a day trip to have an endometrial biopsy done. Which has to be done on a natural cycle, and at a certain point past the LH surge. So, in the possibility that I could get that done this cycle (yikes!) I decided I may as well try to use the old pee sticks. In the hope that I'm not as crap as before at actually detecting the LH surge with the darn things. The good news is that I can hopefully tie it up retrospectively with a temperature rise, so I don't need to be hanging on the result quite so much as if I were timing an IUI from it.

Choo-choo!

Ooh, I'm getting positively giddy now. I was reading a post on a message board about someone worrying about flying after IVF transfer. Pshawww, I thought, who needs to worry about that?

And then I did worry.

Not in any grand sense, but flying is tedious at the best of times, and I don't think it'll be exactly fun to fly back after my out-of-state cycle, worrying about embryos. And stressing about getting back to work. So I was mulling, and suddenly the idea of taking the train back came to me. And I thought, bah, I bet with the crappy public transport in this country it will be impossible to take the train.

So I checked.

And there's a train! In fact, there are two a day. Direct from Big City in which Big New Clinic is located, all the way to little old My Home City, wot is where I live and all. One of the trains takes 25.5 hours, and the other takes 29 hours. But they have cute little sleeper compartments, with their own toilets and sinks. And beds! And dining service and all meals included. And all of a sudden I could see myself with a mess of books and magazines lolling in my seat while the countryside rolls by. Relaxing on the train.

Now, we're not talking cheap, exactly, although it's less money for a private sleeper compartment than I thought - about $450 in total for the one-way trip. But, you know, once you consider blowing $20k on one cycle, little trifles like the cost of the train which would normally give me apoplexy suddenly seem so minor. And we're not talking speedy here. But I like trains. I have done several of the world's classic long train journeys. Ahh, the Nullabor. Ahhh, Siberia. Ahh, Rocky Mountain high. Like, several days worth of train travel in one go type journeys. And I'm a nerd, OK, but I like trains.

So, if I can swing it, I might just take the train home from my next IVF cycle, and then, all of a sudden, just like that, it'll be a little adventure for me. Giddy, here I come.

Choo-choo!

It's a protein thing

Last Sunday and Monday, cycle days 1 and 2, I noticed that I had quite blurred vision. I may or may not have had blurred vision on previous cycles, and put it down to needing new glasses, but this seemed different. A weird blurred. Not everything was blurred, but only when I tried to concentrate on it. And then it stopped. And I thought: "huh, I wonder if that was connected to the start of my period and not to needing new glasses?"

And then I remembered from reading in The Infertility Cure that one of the case studies talked about a woman whose vision dimmed and had floaters around the time of her period. Yes, I have read or browsed The Infertility Cure so many times that I remember shit like that. So I dug the book out, and started thumbing through all the case studies. I couldn't find it at first, but I kept looking. And there it was. And it meant Liver Blood deficiency. Because the Liver directs blood to both the eyes and the uterus, according to Chinese medicine, and if there isn't enough Liver blood at the start of the period, because all the blood has gone to the uterus, the eyesight can be affected.

So I started googling Liver Blood deficiency, and it seemed to fit with some of my other symptoms, and was related to just plain old general Blood deficiency, which has always been one of my Chinese medicine diagnoses. I figured I may as well google Blood deficiency too, while I was at it. I started trawling through websites. And then I found it. An article that talked about how many vegetarians have Blood deficiency because they don't eat enough protein. It was like a light went on in my head. I mean, it's one thing to read about these Chinese diagnoses, but then you think, well, how did I end up with that? Why did that happen? I don't eat a bad diet, I've always been fairly healthy, why am I such a mess? Because you see, I have had so many diagnoses that it just didn't seem fair - Kidney yang deficiency, Spleen qi deficiency, Blood deficiency, Blood stasis, Liver qi stagnation and possibly Heart deficiency. But then it clicked. Decades of inadequate protein intake could easily cause problems. And the first time I went to a naturopath, she told me that I wasn't metabolizing protein properly, so what little I was eating wasn't even all getting absorbed.

And so, because I need a "thing" for every cycle, this time I resolve to try to eat 60g of protein a day. And if I have to live on Quorn cutlets and whey protein shakes, so be it. I had a feeling that the whey protein I took last time was doing some good, but I think it was too little too late. This time I'm going to give the protein intake a real college try.

I told the acu about my blurred vision, and she immediately said, in a somewhat excited voice "that's Liver Blood deficiency!" and then asked if I was ready to go back on herbs. I said I was, so she made me up a tea formula. I hope there's lots of blood tonifying herbs in there that'll help, along with the protein. I hope this'll perhaps finally be the piece of the puzzle that will enable things to work properly.

I feel a bit of optimism creeping back in. I hope it hangs around.

Showers of babies

God, life is really funny sometimes. It fucking cracks me up.

We had a baby shower in our office yesterday. Whoopee-doo. Unfortunately, because I'm a complete and utter idiot, a couple of months ago I'd made a vague offer to help out in some way. You know, I figured I'd help put up a streamer or two and that would be it. I've helped out on most of these things in the past, so thought it would be a bit odd if I didn't step up to the plate. Not that other people's baby showers are my favorite things, but they don't drive me nuts. Anyway, so about a month ago, I got an email from the lady who was organizing the shower, along with another Sarah in the office saying that as we'd both volunteered to help, the two Sarahs could help with the decorations. Ha ha. Very witty. After a while, it became apparent that we were expected to do ALL of the decorations, not just put up a couple of streamers. OK, fine. Me and the other Sarah got together, we checked out the registry, found out the nursery theme, all of that. We decided to make the decorations green, with jungle animals. Just like the nursery. All very cool. Just before we were going to head out on the shopping trip, the organizer lady said that a friend of hers had a bunch of decorations that were "gently used" and that we could use, which would save buying any. I explained the whole theme thing and that I wasn't sure that it was a good idea, but the organizer lady said this stuff would fit in perfectly. She insisted that we use the recycled stuff. So the other Sarah decided to plan party favors, and I basically did nothing, expecting that all I'd have to do was put up a few streamers and that would be it. It was all going according to plan, finally.

On Wednesday I got handed the bag of decorations. It was full of a very small amount of tatty crap, much of which was falling apart, and which was blue with duckies. Fucking eh. Hardly what I'd call green with jungle animals, and I'm not quite sure how this stuff would be perfect with our theme. There weren't enough plates or napkins, no table coverings, and there was one banner. It's a big room. It needs more than one fucking banner. So I spent much of Wednesday racing around to different stores buying shit. I must have spent $40 on decorations. On my own. Because it was all last minute and there was no-one else around to help. Managed to get a green/blue Noah's Ark theme going. Got some animal shaped cookies. Cut some wrapping paper up to cover various surfaces. It was all coming together. I was a veritable Martha Stewart.

So, yesterday. I headed up to the conference room first. This is a large conference room in our building that any tenant can use for a few hours for big meetings, parties, etc. There was a maintenance guy there, messing around with a ladder.

"Oh, you had party?" he said.
"Well, we're about to have a party, I'm just starting the decorating. Other people will be helping in a minute."
"Party for you?"
"Uh, no, I'm decorating, it's not a party for me."
He looks in the bag of decorations. "Baby shower?"
"Yup."
"For you?"
"No, not for me, I'm just putting the decorations out."
"But you pregnant, yes?"
"No." Sigh. "Just fat."
"Oh, who it for?"
"Susan. Well, wait, there are four Susans in the office, but, you know, the one that's 8 months pregnant." The one that's hugely fucking pregnant, I'm thinking, unlike me. The one that is obviously due for a fucking baby shower. Unlike me.

The other Sarah was nowhere to be seen. The organizer lady was arsing around with chicken wings, and making some weird punch concoction, so I basically did the decorating on my own. I was helped after a while by the husband of the very pregnant Susan, who'd shown up to help drive the haul of gifts home. But we got it done. It looked fine, if a bit understated because of the lack of tat, as I'd already chucked some of the more garish items on the grounds of bad taste.

The shower was fine. Except I ate far too much chocolate and cake because I was depressed about being called pregnant. And then I ended up staying late to clean up, even though I just wanted to run away from everyone and all the cutesy baby stuff. I am a schmuck. A fat schmuck. A fat schmuck who apparently looks pregnant enough to have a baby shower thrown in her honor.

I got home, and called the family to see how their various health complaints are coming along. I try to be a good relative, see, even if I'm not exactly chirpy at the moment. My aunt asked me if I was still depressed, as I'd been a bit down at the weekend after the acupuncture bawling-my-eyes-out fiasco. Well, um, let me see, I've failed three IVFs (four if we're counting that cancelled one) and my RE has just basically fired me so now I have to travel out-of-state in a last ditch attempt at conceiving. So, I'm sorry if I'm not bouncing back instantly. And now some arsehole just asked if I was pregnant.

I ate more chocolate. I felt sick. And then I got annoyed with myself that I blew my diet. And felt sick some more.

This morning, as I arrived, I found a big bag of decorations sitting in my office. I suppose I am now the official keeper of the baby-themed tat? Like I want a bag full of cutesy baby decorations lingering around my desk? I foresee that it may end up being accidentally misplaced prior to the next office baby shower. In the shredder.

The infertility special ed. bus

I am in a strangely optimistic mood today. I suspect that it is because of the passing of whatever premenstrual and menstrual hormones have held sway for the last few days, and the introduction of new hormones. Estrogen! FSH! Welcome back, my lovelies! In fact, I am going to blame Saturday's crying fest on PMS, and not on me being a sad loser of a repeat IVF failure. Nuh uh. Not me.

Anyway, it has got me thinking about other people's sadness and depression in this crappy infertility nightmare. The very wonderful Calliope is posting more again, which perks me up no end. Of course, it may all be due to the little pink pills and bravado, but I hope that she is coming back to us for good. I feel so bad for her that she's been going through some much huge shit, with GM's illness on top of infertility. That is a rough road, my friend. Then I have two other internet buddies who are feeling very sad at the moment, one facing IVF #2 and one facing IVF #3.

I wish I could do more to cheer my friends up, although I know that no cheering is possible. Because when we get down, we have to travel through the abyss on our own, and somehow emerge at the other side. We may not be as hale and hearty as when we started our journeys, but I hope that eventually all of us will be well. We may not be aiming for a destination that we ever considered when we first set out, all happy and excited, but I hope that we can all find peace with our new paths. And dare I hope for happy? Happy would be wonderful, but seems so out of reach for so many of us at the moment. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have this infertility nightmare over for all of us. Why were we the ones that were chosen to be "special", to have to go through this heartache? Why weren't we the ones that got pregnant easily, and got to be smug fertiles? I just don't understand it all, I really don't. I don't understand why we get the tears, and they get to be short tempered with their children. I know I'll be a better mommy and a better person because of this journey, but can I stop the bus now, please? Can I get off and start getting on with my life again? Can we just pretend that I have learned whatever lesson it is that I needed to learn, and allow me to graduate? Can we all get off the bus, and be happy together with our babies? Pretty please?

Anyway, as I know that no cheering is possible, I want to give a shout out to anyone out there that is feeling down or depressed or hopeless or otherwise sad. You are not alone.

Back to what I said in the beginning. As usual.

I think I'm finally getting somewhere with my thinking. It's been a messy, disordered process, but I think things are becoming clear to me.

I have decided that I don't want to do a consult at Fancy-Schmancy Clinic. The cherry picking, the insistence on certain tests that I don't think are necessary (like a clomid challenge test after I've done 4 stimulated cycles - I mean, what's the use?), the brash commercialism, all of that, isn't sitting well with me. Sure, if I could get in, it looks like I'd have a good chance. But I don't want to be constantly worried about cancellation or getting dropped. And then there is the logistics of getting there and doing the cycle. So that one is out. For good. I understand that if you fail at Big New Clinic, Fancy-Schmancy Clinic won't take you as you're too difficult of a case. Oh well, so be it.

Then there is Immune-Specializing Clinic #1 and Clinic #2. While they are all very nice and lovely, I don't want to be stuck in this decision making vacuum for too long. I just know if I do phone consultations I will be exactly where I am today - stuck at making a decision between two (or three) competing protocols. I won't know which one is better for me any more than I do today. And I do believe that my problem is egg quality, not immune factors, so that is a big part of everything. So I have decided to put my faith in Big New Clinic and just go for it. If it fails, then Immune-Specializing Clinic will still be there. But I'll copy all my medical records just in case I have to send them off quickly for a last-minute consult, as a girl reserves the right to change her mind.

So there it is. I am all about Big New Clinic. I will see what they have to say without the thought of a third opinion. If I absolutely hate them, I will think about an opinion at Immune-Specializing Clinic. If I don't absolutely hate them, if they think they can help me, if they are offering anything different from the local clinic, then I will do the cycle at Big New Clinic.

And just so you know, I do this every freakin' time. With everything. I'm really quite bored of myself, but can't seem to change my behavior. I make a decision fairly quickly, often based on my gut instinct. And then I question it for a while, swinging backwards and forwards and generally acting like a decapitated chicken wondering if it is the right decision, and finally plump for whatever it was I decided in the first place. It could be which pair of shoes to buy, what item to pick from the menu at dinner, or it could be which place to do IVF#5, go to college, which job to take, etc, etc. Doesn't matter what the scale of the decision it is, I seem to do the same thing. I wish I could just cut out all the useless second-guessing and go for it with my first thought.

In semi-related vagina news, my period arrived totally unexpectedly on Sunday. Either I had a 10-day luteal phase (not good), or I ovulated earlier than picked up by the software at that site but it was such a pathetically weak ovulation that my temperature didn't rise appropriately (not good but not entirely unexpected after a failed IVF), or a combination of a shortish-LP and a weakish ovulation. And I didn't get my usual premenstrual pain, which may be down to the Chinese herbs that I am self dosing with, or may just be coincidence. So, I was rather surprised when it put in an appearance shortly after breakfast, and I had to run to the store while the rest of the family were in church (yes, you may call me a heathen) in order to buy some sanitary protection. No, I didn't miss church just to buy sanitary items, I was already missing church to start with, in order to spend some quality time with the crossword. But sadly, I am being a good girl and following the acu's requirement to use pads rather than those allegedly bad for you but oh-so-much-pleasanter-to-use and easier-to-carry-around-for-emergencies tampons, and therefore only had a liner in my handbag. Unfortunately, as I don't know the neighborhood all that well I ended up at a 7-11 and they only had these giant monster pads, or mattresses as I like to call them. And they weren't even overnight pads, these were marked as "regular" size so I shudder to think what the "maxi" size are like. It's like being 13 again.

Anyhoo, the reason that news was semi-related to IVF is that Big New Clinic closes its lab down periodically, so in order to get into a particular series of cycles, your periods have to put in an appearance before or after certain dates. As this last cycle was shorter than I'd have liked, this of course puts me squarely into a "closed" time period for when I expect dear Aunt Flo, and may mean that I have to have an extra month's break in order to be able to cycle in the following series. Not so bad for the weight loss attempts, but bad for the sanity saving attempts. Meh.

Out of sorts

I went back to acu this morning - I hadn't been in a month. It was very emotional for me explaining to the acu that my local RE doesn't want to treat me any more and that I'll be going out of state now. I don't really know why it was so hard. It's all bound up in my sorrow at not being able to continue to try naturally inbetween IVF cycles, because I don't have a husband, and that I feel they don't really approve of IVF, and because I feel I'm letting them down. And because she didn't have any new ideas, and even said my body responds really well to acupuncture. Well, clearly something isn't responding! So I spent most of my time bawling my eyes out and not being really able to answer questions properly. Especially after she asked "so what about after Big New Clinic? Have you considered adoption?" Well, duh, nobody does IVF without considering adoption. But I'd like a bit more support while I'm still trying with my own eggs, thanks very much, and I don't want to be asked questions in a manner that presumes it's going to fail.

Sigh.

We're going to have a review meeting after my telephone consultation with Big New Clinic, when presumably we'll know the plan for moving forward. But if they don't have any new ideas, I don't know what to do. There aren't any more acupuncturists locally who specialize in infertility. They are already my third acupuncture clinic. I don't feel I can go somewhere else. I keep trying to think of acu as just for relaxation purposes, because after all, it does relax me. But after reading The Infertility Cure so many times, I suppose I'm still looking for that magical moment when everything comes into balance and I can get pregnant. I guess I'll set up a couple of appointments with an acu in the Big City, for when I go to visit Big New Clinic, but that won't exactly have long to have an effect.

Just why is this so fucking hard all the time?

Dither, dither, dither

I am still struggling mightily with the decision of which clinic to go to. Do I just trust that Big New Clinic is the one? Or do I do as has been suggested, and set up consultations with others too? But then how to I make the decision at the end of the day? I'm not going to be basing it on who cracked the best jokes, and how do I really know if one clinic's EPP is going to be better for me than another's coculture or another's Lovenox. Or whatever. It's all just guesswork. My horoscope for the day says:

A difficult decision isn't going to get easier, no matter how long you wait.
Find a quiet spot and search your heart and mind for clues as to how to proceed.
Looking for a definite lead will provide you with direction.

Pretty apt, huh? But where, pray, does one find this definite lead that will provide me with direction? If I had a definite lead, I wouldn't be still struggling on this, now would I?

I can drive!! And other ramblings

My appointment at the DMV went well today, and I am cleared to drive. Woo-hoo! I know it's only been 11 days, but man, the bus/cycle deal was starting to drag. Especially this morning when two people (including me) wanted to get off at the stop nearest my work, and I of course was at the back bus door which the driver for some reason didn't open as she didn't see me. Presumably she thought the lady getting off at the front door was the only one who wanted out. Various patrons shouted "back door!" to alert her, so I guess it happens every now and then, but that didn't stop her from just driving on to the next freakin' stop. So I had to walk back. Cursing all the way.

And of course, I don't have an actual license yet, but just a temporary permit. Which is a regular piece of paper that they print some crap out on, and then sign. In black pen. I wondered about the black pen thing last time too, because it'd be so easy to photocopy the thing and alter it if you wanted to. And it says right on there that photocopies aren't allowed, you must carry the original document, but who the eff would know? They are mailing the new license to me. Oh please let it have an expiry date that is more than 6 months from now. Oh please, oh please. I don't want to have to go back to the DMV for a looong time.

In other IVF ramblings, I started the paperchasing to set up the next round of fun. Got my new patient form sent off to Big New Clinic, and got the records release form sent off to the current RE to have my medical records sent to me. I'll be interested in what's in my file when it comes. There are so many tests that I've done which I've just been told are normal, but hey, I think it'd be nice to see exactly what my TSH level is, or my prolactin level, or whatever else they tested for. I also can't even remember half the tests I've done, so can't even answer anyone if they ask if I'd had X test. Uh, maybe?

I am also trying to decide if I should set up other phone consultations or not. I mean, perhaps it would be sensible to see what three of these top clinics say I should do next, and maybe even get some testing done, before I cycle again. It'd probably mean delaying the cycle a bit, but what if one of the clinics found something that is fixable? Isn't it worth a few hundred extra dollars to speak to some of these gurus? But then again, it's a whole heap of stress to have to run around and set all that up. So, as usual, I am stuck.

I also realized that, as my employer has an office in the city in which Big New Clinic is located (and at least one other top place), I might be able to work part-time while I am cycling there. Which would mean less time off, which would mean potentially being able to do this twice this year if I have to. I don't think it'd be too stressful to take a couple of long projects with me, and sit in another office for 4 hours a day. It wouldn't be as bad as having people bug me all day, and having all the small day-to-day deadlines to meet.

The post I didn't write yesterday

I had my IVF follow up meeting with my RE yesterday. I should have updated here, but I didn't have the energy.

It did not go entirely according to plan. At least not to my plan. It seems that my doctor is basically giving up on me. He has recommended that if I want to cycle again with my own eggs, I should go to another clinic. He recommended both Cornell in NY and CCRM in Denver, but ultimately, he said if he was telling his sister where to go, it would be to Cornell.

I asked if I did cycle again where I am, if he'd have any thoughts on changes to the protocol. He had none. So, it's totally out for cycling again where I am, as I'd only want to do it if there was something different going on.

I asked what I should do about my one lonely frozen embryo. We have held off trying an FET because of there being only one embryo, as ideally we'd like to start with two or three. But I haven't managed to produce any extras. My gut feeling is that I should leave it where it is, and do another fresh cycle. If my problem really is egg quality, it's not going to improve with age, and maybe a few extra months really will make a difference. Also, the frozen embryo is my last chance for a sibling, probably. If the IVF works, I can come back in 2 years and try the FET, and at least I'll have tried. If the FET works, there's no way a fresh IVF will work in 2 years. And to be honest, I don't know if I have the strength to do more fresh cycles. The RE agreed that trying another fresh cycle now and saving the frozen embryo might be a good option.

So, anyway, I feel kind of set adrift. I mean, I know I planned to go to another clinic at some point. I'd just talked myself into doing one last cycle here first. Partly because of the expense and logistical difficulties of doing a cycle out-of-state, and partly because of the time off requirement. I don't think I can take two 10-day vacations in a year, and by next year, my eggs may have shrivelled up and died. So if I do an out-of-state cycle now, it may truly be my last one.

The good thing about the RE booting me out rather than me choosing to go elsewhere is that he offered to do all the necessary tests and monitoring that will be required here before I go. He even offered to call the head guy at whichever clinic I choose (because he knows them both), and talk to them if I feel I'm not getting good enough service. It does seem like he genuinely wants this to work for me, and isn't just trying to think of his own bottom line. Well, he's probably also thinking of his statistics, which, let's face it, I've been crapping all over.

And clearly, the universe is also giving me a nudge to get moving on things, and not just wallow around doing cycle after cycle where it is not working for me. I don't know yet if it is pushing me to somewhere that will get me pregnant, or pushing me towards adoption or giving up, but it is certainly pushing me along some path or other.

I have given the matter some thought, and have made an appointment for a telephone consultation at one of the clinics. You know me, always in to striking while the iron is hot. It is set for January 30th. It's costing $550, which almost caused me to drop the phone with the scheduling lady. Holy effing crap! This is going to be an expensive undertaking. I may or may not try a telephone consultation somewhere else as well. I'm not going to mention the name of the clinic that I have chosen, because I want to be able to rant about frustrations, etc, and I don't think it's fair to publicize which place it is that I'm ranting about. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll be talking about booking flights to ... and trying to find a hotel in... and it'll be blindingly obvious. Let's just say I'll be flying on Jet Blue rather than America West. But down the line, I don't want to be easily google-able. Just like I haven't mentioned the name of the current RE. Might have to come up with some nicknames though, otherwise it'll be tough to figure out who or what I'm talking about.

A comedy of errors

I set off for home on my bicycle last night at about 5.50pm. I'm bowling along nicely, not very far from work when I hear "POP! slap, slap, slap, slap." Groaning, I stopped the bike, checked both wheels, and nothing. I couldn't find anything on the tires, and they didn't seem to be deflated. I continued on, slowly. I could still hear "slap, slap, slap" and I could feel that something was stuck in one of the tires. I stopped again. That time I found a screw sticking in the back tire. But the tire still didn't seem to be deflated. I went to pull it out, and then thought better of it, as I thought that maybe the screw was stopping up the hole that it had made. I set off again, somewhat gingerly, hoping that maybe I could get most of the way home before having to walk. This time I can hear "slap, slop, kthock, kthock, kthuuungk." I get off the bike again. The tire was completely flat. I guess I had managed to dislodge the screw enough to let the air escape. Great.

So, did I turn around and go back to work? Well, I thought about it, but then I'd have to find a way to get the bike back home at some point and that seemed to be a lot of effort. Did I call someone to come and pick me up? Um, no, because the batteries on my cell phone had died because I usually use the car charger to keep it running. Bad me hadn't bothered to hunt for the regular charger when I knew I should have. So I decided to walk home. After a very short distance, I thought about how pointless it was to walk home, when there was a perfectly good bus route not very far away, and off I went.

I got to the nearest bus stop at 6.12pm. I looked down the street. Nothing. I'd looked up the bus timetable last week, just in case, and I remembered that the buses were about every 15 minutes or so. So I thought, well, instead of wasting time just sitting here, I'll just walk to the next bus stop, and check down the street every time. Because of course I couldn't possibly just sit there in case a whole ten minutes went by! And what do you know, as I was just about precisely mid-way between that stop and the next one, a bus went past. Cursing my brilliant decision making skills, and obviously excellent timing, I figured that seeing as the next one would be probably another 10-15 minutes, I may as well keep walking. By the third bus stop there was actually a timetable posted. The buses were scheduled to arrive at 6.05, 6.10, 6.15, 6.35 and 6.55. Great, I thought, that must have been the 6.15 and now I have twenty minutes to wait! So I continued on. And lo and behold, again as I was midway between stops, another bus went past. It was 6.25pm.

Dagnammit.

OK, I thought, that must have been the 6.15 that was running late. So I have at least 10 minutes to the next bus, and I'll keep walking a little bit further, thinking that at the rate I was going, I may as well end up walking all the way home after all. I walked to one more bus stop, and the road was starting to turn a little seedier. I was just thinking that this was getting ridiculous, and that my feet were starting to hurt when a black guy went past me on his bike, and shouted out "I'll trade ya!". Harrumph. Kick a girl when she's down, why don't you? I said, "yeah I've got a flat", probably more pathetically than I'd intended. He circled around in a parking lot, and said "are you going to get the bus?". I'd reached the bus stop by this point, so I said, "yup". "Oh," he said, "do you want a bus pass?" "What?" says I, "do you have one that isn't completely used up?". It turned out that he did, an all day pass that hadn't even been started yet, that he gave me. I asked if he wanted anything for it, and he said he'd take a dollar, so he could get a nice beer later. I happily parted with a dollar, as I knew that the fare was $1.25.

Then I said "well, I would have traded you the bike, but mine's probably a bit too girly for you!". It has pretty cherries painted on it, and a basket in the front. "Nah," he says, "that's a CADILLAC of a bike, that is, I'd fix it right up". Um, I wasn't aware that it was that obvious! So I said I'd fix it up myself when I got home. He said he'd better be off, and I sat waiting for the bus. I was not going to make the mistake of walking off again.

The bus came at 6.41pm. I had to get the bus driver to show me how to work the bike rack at the front, and how to swipe the buss pass. I felt pretty pathetic and obvious to everyone as a bus novice! My stop arrived, I got off, manhandled the bike off the bike rack, and who should come to a screeching halt as he pedalled down the sidewalk but the same guy that had given me the bus pass! "Man, that's amazing" he said. I was like "wow, we got here at the same time!" We kind of looked at each other, both amazed at the bizarre timing, with goofy grins on our faces. But I was then secretly thinking, damn, now he knows where my stop is, is this a bad thing?, until he said goodbye and pedalled off. And I felt like a heel that just because he was a black man on a bike, I'd deemed him as potentially dangerous. When he was actually just a nice guy.

I got home at 7.04pm. 1 hour and 15 minutes. When if I'd walked all the way without detouring and stopping at bus stops, it'd probably have taken me an hour and a half. Maybe a tad longer. But at least I didn't have blisters. This morning, I learned my lesson, and sat and waited at the first bus stop. It took me 35 minutes, door to door, 10 minutes of which was sitting at the bus stop, waiting. I could probably time it better next time.

I have an appointment to try to get my driver's license back on Thursday, so we'll see how that goes. But, given that riding the bus really wasn't bad, I may end up taking it occasionally, just because I can.

The IVF book

I have this IVF book, where I have been writing down questions about my cycles. I take it to my follow up and planning meetings, so I don't forget to ask something important. It used to be full of long, wordy questions. I have pages of them for every cycle (it's a small notebook, so it doesn't take much to cover a page). This time, the entry for cycle #5 is:

Dexamethasone
Estrogen priming protocol
Metformin
2nd opinion - where?

There, that's it. That's everything I've come up with to ask the RE at my appointment on Tuesday.

It's all a bit pathetic, really. Hey, maybe I should use the IVF book to figure out when I'm ready to stop? When I can't think of anything at all to ask about, maybe that should be the hint that it's time to just give up. But, if anyone out there does have any good suggestions of things to ask, feel free to chime in (bearing in mind that I've probably asked most things already!).

In WW news, I lost 3 pounds! Staying away from sodium yesterday really helped after all.

The bureaucracy grinds on

Hey, my visa has been approved! Whoop! But still no driving license. You see, it was processed at the California Service Center (for some reason - hey, let's send this stuff to the other side of the country, even though there are service centers all over the place), and it is winging its way to my attorney by snail mail. Who reckons it'll be another 7-10 days before it gets here. Yup, we paid the additional $1000 fee for premium processing, and it gets sent in the regular mail. No express mail. No priority mail. I'm not even sure why my attorney didn't put a freakin' prepaid FedEx envelope in with the form. I mean, wouldn't you? If you knew that someone was relying on this document for something as basic as their driving license in the good ole U.S. of A. where public transport is pretty much nonexistant outside of New York and maybe San Francisco? If you just coughed up a ton of extra cash for faster processing? Sometimes the sheer idiocy of this whole procedure is just mind-boggling.

Still, my friend A. was so stricken with horror at the thought that I may have to rely on the local Winn Dixie that she has concocted a lunchtime trip to Publix for me. So that's what I'll be spending my lunch doing - grocery shopping! Then we're going to drive to my house, put the groceries away, eat the subs we pick up at the supermarket, and drive back to work. Awww, ain't friends grand?

In diet news, I managed to gain back the 1.5lbs that I lost earlier in the week. How, I don't know. I did use some pretty salty stock cubes, so I hope it is just water retention. Today I will be avoiding salt in the hope that I don't post a weight gain in my first week at WW, when everyone else presumably loses about 5lbs!

C'est la vie.

Behold!!

Le chat!



It's all still very point- and click-y with the new camera, but here is my first effort. By the way, clearly dial-up internet access, even with the handy dandy surfing accelerator, is clearly not a good fit with photo uploading. I've been meaning to go to DSL, so maybe this'll encourage me to get off my arse and do it.

Oh, and in respect of the name change, no I haven't been outed. As far as I know. But once I started mentioning things beyond infertility (IS there anything beyond infertility??), I just thought it might be a bit easy to discover me. I guess I live in fear of big brother, er, Google, revealing everything about me to someone from my real life.

Move along, nothing to see here

I changed my name for signing my posts. You can still see my name in the blog title, but ya know, anonymity is good, and all that. Maybe I'll be a tad less discoverable this way.

There's not much going on chez moi. Day 3 with no driving, and I'm already going crazy as I'm totally bored with all the food choices I have at home, but alas only have a Winn Dixie in walking or biking distance. Well, and a pizza place which I'd really quite like to go to, but I must resist, and an Ihop and a nasty chicken and seafood joint, both of which are quite easy to resist. Yesterday I cycled to work but today got a ride from a friend as it was raining. And unfortunately said friend had to leave work early so I have to rely on a not-so-reliable other friend for the ride home. Hmmm, we'll see how that goes. Day 4 on the diet, and as of this morning I'm down 1.5lbs, which is great. I may be able to bid farewell to the "enormously fat pants" pretty soon. Well, I know, not that enormous, but I had my "fat pants" size, then had to go up to the "super fat pants", and when I had to go up yet another size I had to come up with some sort of name! This of course is in addition to the "average" size, the "where I'm happy" size, and the "where I really want to be" size, all of which I also have in my closet. Surely I can't be the only person with 6 different clothing sizes?

The big exciting news of the day though is that my new camera arrived! The batteries are charging as I type, and I expect the cat will be chased around the house tonight for practice shots. Prepare for an upgraded, now-including-pics type of blog really soon!

A merry New Year, one and all

I have calmed down about the DMV. It took a long time, and a very miserable sleepless night, punctuated with thoughts of murder, wishes that I had been better about making them see how unjust they were being, and wishes that they had just been a little bit more human.

But I figured that this whole immigration thing is just another endurance test. Like infertility. Somehow, I am "blessed" with two endurance tests at once. Either I give up and go back to England childless and jobless, and live the rest of my life feeling like I am a failure and a quitter, or I keep moving forward somehow. When it all boils down to it, it is a simple choice. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, or retreat and lick your wounds.

Hopefully I will be without a license for less than 2 weeks, so hopefully it will be bearable. I guess I will be doing a lot of cycling, so maybe it'll help kick start my diet. I have finally joined Weight Watchers, so hopefully this will enable me to lose some of the weight I have piled on during TTC. I figure if I can't be pregnant, at least I can be skinny. And if I am delayed in doing IVF again, at least I can go into it at a healthier weight.

I keep trying to look forward into 2007, but it is difficult so I am trying not to do it too often. When I do, it seems that 2007 could well be the last year for trying to get pregnant with my own eggs, and that is a scary thought.