The post I didn't write yesterday

I had my IVF follow up meeting with my RE yesterday. I should have updated here, but I didn't have the energy.

It did not go entirely according to plan. At least not to my plan. It seems that my doctor is basically giving up on me. He has recommended that if I want to cycle again with my own eggs, I should go to another clinic. He recommended both Cornell in NY and CCRM in Denver, but ultimately, he said if he was telling his sister where to go, it would be to Cornell.

I asked if I did cycle again where I am, if he'd have any thoughts on changes to the protocol. He had none. So, it's totally out for cycling again where I am, as I'd only want to do it if there was something different going on.

I asked what I should do about my one lonely frozen embryo. We have held off trying an FET because of there being only one embryo, as ideally we'd like to start with two or three. But I haven't managed to produce any extras. My gut feeling is that I should leave it where it is, and do another fresh cycle. If my problem really is egg quality, it's not going to improve with age, and maybe a few extra months really will make a difference. Also, the frozen embryo is my last chance for a sibling, probably. If the IVF works, I can come back in 2 years and try the FET, and at least I'll have tried. If the FET works, there's no way a fresh IVF will work in 2 years. And to be honest, I don't know if I have the strength to do more fresh cycles. The RE agreed that trying another fresh cycle now and saving the frozen embryo might be a good option.

So, anyway, I feel kind of set adrift. I mean, I know I planned to go to another clinic at some point. I'd just talked myself into doing one last cycle here first. Partly because of the expense and logistical difficulties of doing a cycle out-of-state, and partly because of the time off requirement. I don't think I can take two 10-day vacations in a year, and by next year, my eggs may have shrivelled up and died. So if I do an out-of-state cycle now, it may truly be my last one.

The good thing about the RE booting me out rather than me choosing to go elsewhere is that he offered to do all the necessary tests and monitoring that will be required here before I go. He even offered to call the head guy at whichever clinic I choose (because he knows them both), and talk to them if I feel I'm not getting good enough service. It does seem like he genuinely wants this to work for me, and isn't just trying to think of his own bottom line. Well, he's probably also thinking of his statistics, which, let's face it, I've been crapping all over.

And clearly, the universe is also giving me a nudge to get moving on things, and not just wallow around doing cycle after cycle where it is not working for me. I don't know yet if it is pushing me to somewhere that will get me pregnant, or pushing me towards adoption or giving up, but it is certainly pushing me along some path or other.

I have given the matter some thought, and have made an appointment for a telephone consultation at one of the clinics. You know me, always in to striking while the iron is hot. It is set for January 30th. It's costing $550, which almost caused me to drop the phone with the scheduling lady. Holy effing crap! This is going to be an expensive undertaking. I may or may not try a telephone consultation somewhere else as well. I'm not going to mention the name of the clinic that I have chosen, because I want to be able to rant about frustrations, etc, and I don't think it's fair to publicize which place it is that I'm ranting about. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'm sure I'll be talking about booking flights to ... and trying to find a hotel in... and it'll be blindingly obvious. Let's just say I'll be flying on Jet Blue rather than America West. But down the line, I don't want to be easily google-able. Just like I haven't mentioned the name of the current RE. Might have to come up with some nicknames though, otherwise it'll be tough to figure out who or what I'm talking about.