Insurance sucks ass

I hate insurance companies. Have I mentioned that before? I'm sure I have, but just so everyone is clear on this point, I HATE insurance companies!

They pay nothing for my fertility treatments.
They pay nothing for any of the expensive drugs whose only use is in fertility treatments. But I can have other drugs, like Viagra, purely for enjoyment if I want them. And I can have therapy after the fertility treatments have failed.
Although my insurance policy covers some acupuncture, it is only to be used for pain relief, so although I could lie and ask my acupuncturist to lie, silly old honest me pays full price for it.

I could go on, but as everyone has their own woes with insurance companies (or the NHS), we'll leave it there.

But I got a letter yesterday. From a subrogation company that has been contacted by my insurance company, demanding that I tell them if my physical therapy in September (at Clear Passage) was due to an accident. Because they want to sue the other party involved in the accident so they can reclaim some of the money. Now, they only reimbursed me $1200 out of the bill of $5200 in the first place, because of all their insurance company tricks of only paying 60% of what they think the service should be in the first place. But now I have to tell them if it was an accident or not? Just to treat some pain? Which is supposed to be covered by my effing policy. So, I duly put down my horseriding accident from 1982, and I'd like to see them come after me for the name of the riding instructor or stable. Given that I remember neither of these, that any statute of limitations will already have passed, and that said riding stable was in England, I doubt whether they'll be suing anyone. Except maybe me, for daring to try to claim for treatment for pain/pelvic adhesions. Presumably I was supposed to have been on prescription pain pills all this time to prove that it was real pain.

In other words, Insurance sucks ass.

Tomorrow, or maybe Saturday, we'll have the "Immigration sucks ass" post. I'm sure you're looking forward to it. I have an appointment tomorrow with the DMV to renew my driver's license. Which I last renewed in July, but they only gave me until January 1st. My visa runs out in the middle of January, but they keep renewing my license to periods somewhat before the visa expiry period. Which they are NOT supposed to do, as they are supposed to expire at the same time. So, I have to go down to the DMV, which we all know is a boatload of fun, without all the necessary documents in hand, because although the visa renewal documents are expected shortly, they haven't arrived yet. Because my visa hasn't expired, so why would USCIS act any quicker than they need to, as there should be no reason for me to have to prove that my visa has been renewed yet. Duh. And of course, there are other ramifications too, but I won't go into them here. But, immigration woes have been sucking up a lot of my time and energy lately. If it all goes horribly wrong, I may be making an emergency trip to England in the next few weeks, just to be able to drive. Tossers. Immigration sucks ass.

Fuck fuck fuck

Well, there was me all happy and optimistic. I'd done the Clear Passage Therapy, I'd got the vitamins right (or so I thought), I'd been drinking the whey protein shakes. I had nice even stimming. I thought I'd have excellent quality. I was as certain as I could be that this one would be "the one".

Out of 9 eggs, 7 were mature. 3 fertilized normally.

3.

That's less than I had last time when I only got 5 eggs in total.

3.

The universe is just fucking with me. I know, I know, it only takes one, but I shall personally track you down, come to your house in the middle of the night and stick a kitchen knife in you if you post that. I know it only takes one. But's what are the chances that I have a good one out of these three pathetic little embryos? When I've already produced 10 crappy embryos and have only got one of questionable quality in the freezer?

Damn it all.

Fuck, fuck and fuck again.

Warning - period talk ahead

I'm actually feeling pretty positive today, and it's all to do with my period. Yup, crazy as it may sound, the quality of my period now has the ability to affect my mood. It's all the fault of acupuncture. I have been doing acupuncture for a long time. Longer than anyone else I've come across on any fertility board, I think, except maybe one person who started studying it in order to make a career change into being an acupuncturist. Or at least, I should qualify that statement, longer than anyone else I've come across without having any remote hint of success. Longer than anyone should, with all honesty, keep flogging a dead horse. Not that I equate my ovaries with dead horses, you understand, it's just a metaphor.

In fact, I've sometimes wondered why I keep going. I find the sessions relaxing, but I have at many times decided that it would be more relaxing NOT to spend the money each week that I give to the acu. I have had some improvements in my digestive system - I am no longer such a diarrhea queen. I have more energy than I used to. I'm generally in pretty good shape healthwise (ignoring the expanding waistline issue for a moment here). And that's a nice place to be in. But in my menstrual cycle - not so many changes. How on earth can I be going to acu, through 20 months, three acupuncturists (two of whom are fertility specialists) and not have a better period?

But, slowly over the last few months, my PMS symptoms have been diminishing, and now today, on cycle day 3, I still have red blood. That's a huge thing for me. It's been so brown and stodgy and silty and clotty. Just not healthy looking. Slowly the amount of red has been improving, and to make it to day 3 with a good flow still is worth celebrating in my view.

So, it's giving me some hope that maybe after the Clear Passage Therapy and the months of acupuncture, things are improving in there in regards to blood flow and general healthiness. That maybe my uterus is finally becoming a welcoming, healthy place for an embryo to snuggle in to. Now, I know that implantation is not really my issue - my RE is pretty definite that it's my sucky egg quality that's causing my problems, but I hope that with the long lupron protocol I'll get slower stimming and hence better quality. And I'm sticking with the IVF smoothie, so have been having my whey protein every day religiously. Maybe it'll all help, you never know.

I've been growing a nice crop of bruises on my belly, I can tell you that. But otherwise, nothing to report on the stims front. My first ultrasound is on Wednesday, so that's the day that I'll really know whether any of this is helping or not. I'm pretty nervous, but que sera sera, eh?

In kitty news, I decided not to hotfoot it to the vet this morning. The stinky infected smell has diminished greatly, so the neosporin seems to be working. The cut is still oozing a bit, but is looking better, and the cat is still pretty sprightly and doesn't appear to be feeling ill.

After Clear Passage

I thought I should post about how things are post-Clear Passages. It's been a month now since I went, so it's about time I took a quick inventory of the changes (or lack thereof) to my body.

First, the pain factor. Every month I used to get bad pain along my sigmoid colon (see, I learnt where the pain was while at Clear Passage - before I'd just say, uh, at the left side of my abdomen). This pain would usually last 5 or 6 days, and would be there premenstrually. In fact, the RE and the acu both blew it off as being relevant to anything because it was not during my period (thus presumably wasn't endometriosis), and was not a classic PMS type thing. But I knew it had to be related to my cycles because every month like clockwork it came back and went away at the same times. At times it was maybe a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale. It would be relieved somewhat by a bowel movement, but basically it was there all the time, and was quite distracting. This last month, I had some minor pain the day before my period came, and the first day of my period. Maybe a 2 out of 10 on the pain scale. And it didn't last all day, either, so I'd say I got at least a 90% improvement.

I used to have neck and shoulder pain constantly. Sometimes worse than other times, but it was pretty much always there. I still have the shoulder pain, and the big knot of muscle in my right shoulder has not gone, but then Clear Passage didn't work on it as far as I can remember. The neck pain is different in quality. It is lighter, and more just like it is tight because of stress. Maybe a 50% improvement in the neck, and maybe 10% improvement in the shoulder. However, I had a massage yesterday, and my massage therapist commented that my neck felt a LOT better to her, and in fact when she was working on my neck it didn't hurt at all. And didn't crunch, which it used to do. Yes, I have never found massage to be relaxing really, as I go for pain relief and it hurts when I am being worked on. So to actually be able to have a pain-free neck massage made me feel good.

As for the belly, well I used to occasionally get pulling pains as I stood up. Haven't noticed any of them since having the therapy. But I never really had that much of a pain issue in the belly so it's hard to make good comparisons. I have noticed that I can put my finger in my belly button and move my belly button around in circles without any pain or tightness. It previously didn't really move at all, and certainly not in a symmetrical fashion. My belly is still pretty squishy all over - no hard bits of scar tissue. And the saline sonogram didn't hurt at all - usually when someone is manipulating my cervix it is pretty uncomfortable, but nothing this time.

Another interesting development is that I pee a lot less often. I no longer have to go every hour, and do not get up in the night to pee. That's always a bonus! I am mostly peeing when I really need to go, not when my overactive bladder thinks it might be nice to go.

So, all in all, I am feeling pretty confident that they really did something for me, and really freed up some stuck areas. It's nice to think that I'm going into this IVF with an extra boost of help. I have to admit, I have not been good at doing the exercises I was supposed to do, but I am going to try again this weekend to do some. And as for Kegels, hmmm, yeah, haven't done them either. Wait, I'll do one now...OK, one down, many more to fit in!

New week, new drugs, new hope?

I'm trying to battle myself into a positive state of mind. K. and I didn't speak to one another today, which wasn't a bad thing in my book. Whatever. I will be civil to her, and that's it until she decides to stop being selfish about this whole work team thing. More people have come out of the woodwork in my support as they are learning about this new team, and are saying that it cannot work with someone like K. in charge because she just doesn't know what needs to be done. Not that any of these people have any input to the decision-making process, but it's nice to know that I'm being logical and right here. Now, if the bosses turn around and tell me that they don't want me in this team, and if the IVF fails, I'll have some serious thinking to do, and may well call an end to both my Florida and TTC adventures at the same time. But I hope that somehow I can muddle through all this without having to go back to England as a failure.

I reviewed the Citizen's insurance letter, and it had a form to write back and tell them that I either am entitled to homestead exemption, have applied for homestead exemption or do not qualify. Then I found out that you can apply for homestead exemption in advance of the regular deadline (normally you are only allowed to apply from Jan. 1st to March 31st). So I duly mailed off an application today for 2007, and will respond to Citizen's truthfully that I have applied. So what if I get rejected for homestead? At least it will drag out Citizen's opportunity to drop my insurance coverage, and I can also appeal the rejection of homestead exemption to drag it out even further.

In better news, my friend A. wants to come back to work at my employer. She left nearly 3 years ago, and it hasn't been the same without her. She met with big boss today, and it looks like she can have the job when she says the word, which she's going to do in about a week or so, in order that she doesn't look desperate for the job. So, it'll be nice to have another friendly face around here.

Also, my health insurance company is paying me back $1200 for the Clear Passage Therapy. Not stellar, seeing as it cost me $5200, but hey, $1200 is a whole lot better than nothing. And it looks like our accounts department is finally processing the check for my Sweden thing. Phew! Cashflow! It has been sorely needed around here.

In ovary news, I start BCP tonight, finally! The drugs arrive tomorrow morning, and Wednesday is my saline sonogram. I can feel myself moving slowly back into full scale ovary obsession. Not that I ever really got out of ovary obsession-land, but I was able to think of other things every now and then.

And finally among this hodge-podge of unconnected ramblings, the eagle-eyed among you will have noticed the demise of the Monday weigh-in. Er, yeah. Well, I blame it on my birthday and the various cakes that were forced into me. It's set off an unhealthy eating pattern, which has kind of spiraled into far to much carb and sugar overindulgences. But never fear, the veggies arrive today! Yes, I am a member of a CSA (community sponsored agriculture) veggie box thing. This is my second season, and while every other sensible farmer grows crops during summer and stops during winter, here in south Florida we like to do things backwards. There's no growing in summer because it is too hot and humid, so they grow in winter only. I will get a big box of assorted nearly-organic vegetables every other week from now until May. It's only nearly-organic and not completely organic because they do do some spraying - after all, this is south Florida which is pretty much bug heaven, but they spray responsibly and try to grow all the crops sustainably. Their reasoning is that they could do things like plow the fields many times to try to prevent weeds and some of the bugs, but they'd end up using more fuel to drive the tractors repeatedly which would do more environmental damage than the little bit of spraying that they do. So, that's good enough for me. Anyway, today's the start of this season, so I'd better go and hop on the bike and toddle off home to see what's for dinner. If last season is anything to go by, I predict that dinner will involve corn in some form or another. Corn on the cob, anyone?

The life re-start, part 452

Over the last few weeks, while at Clear Passage and in Sweden, I have read some interesting books. Sure, some of them were novels, but some were not. In particular, I have been thinking a lot about “Better Off” by Eric Brende, and “Nickel and Dimed” by Barbara Ehrenreich. “Better Off” is a memoir of the time that Brende and his wife spent a year living among Amish-like people as an experiment for his MIT thesis, to see if we are really better off with all our modern technology or not. And Nickel and Dimed is about the time that Ehrenreich lived doing various minimum wage jobs to see if she could get by.

As a back story, let me just say that I suppose I live a mostly typical American existence. I mean, I have a well-paying job. I spend too many hours a day at work. I have put on weight since moving here from the UK, and my middle continues to spread. I don’t do enough exercise. All that is typical, yes. But I am dissatisfied. I wish I could work less, have a more fulfilling lifestyle, be skinny. Again, all pretty typical. But I feel that I am a little different from my US friends in that I definitely worry about the environment, I drive a hybrid car, I turn the thermostat on my a/c as high as I can take it. I try to save energy. I worry about too much pharmaceutical use, about processed food. In other words, I am a bit crunchy.

But I seem to have spent so much of my life thinking that “it’ll be better when…” Usually, the “when” is after I’ve moved house again, or moved jobs, or when I’ve lost weight. You name it, I think it. I have this vague dream of living in a little urban enclave, with a small garden in which I grow vegetables, where I can walk to my local health food store, bistro or deli, bike to work and generally be all smug and crunchy. In fact, I picked my current house partly because there was a health food store two blocks away. However, after I had finalized the offer on the house and was waiting for closing day, the ceiling of the health food store caved in, and they decided to close. For good. Really, in walking distance there’s Winn Dixie and not much else. So, I have been living a typical American life, and bemoaning the fact that I don’t live in a better part of the world. And doing nothing about it.

But the books I have been reading lately have made me think. You know, I only live 5 miles from work, which should be easily bike-able. OK, I live in Florida, maybe I can’t bike in the summer, but I should be able to manage it for at least 6 months of the year. And, it will actually buy me time. That was the startling realization I had. I get up early and walk for 3 miles every day, which takes about 50 mins – 1 hour, depending on how fast I go. I am usually pretty slow. Then my commute to work takes about 15 mins in the car. So, say I bike and it takes 25-30 mins to get to work. I spend an hour tops getting to work and back, get much better exercise than before, and don’t pollute the planet or spend money on gas. And I gain 25-30 minutes per day because I don’t have to walk. Every day - an extra half hour to do with what I want.

Equally, I spend money every month having a maid service clean my house. I am perpetuating the low wage economy by not directly hiring someone to clean my house, and what’s worse is that the cleaning companies care more that the house appears to be clean than it actually is. If I start cleaning the house again myself, I save nearly $200 per month, and get exercise in doing the cleaning. Likewise, I spend $150 per month having someone do the yard work. I could do it myself. The secret is in thinking that yard work or cleaning are not terrible chores that should be avoided at all costs. It is in thinking that, hey, I am taking care of my surroundings in a caring manner by not using nasty cleaning products or pesticides, I am getting exercise out in the fresh air and at home so I don’t have to join a gym or do other exercise, and I am not wasting my time watching inane TV shows. And, perhaps more importantly, that I am living a more genuine life because I am taking back responsibility for it all. I am not paying people to do things that I could do myself, so therefore I don’t have to work extra hours to pay for it. Maybe at some point this can translate into working less, you never know. Now, I’m not saying that I’m going to put all this into action immediately. And in fact, since I got home from Sweden the house has already degenerated into a mess, so I have a long way to go before becoming a happy house proud cleaning person. But I’m going to try. I’m going to try to live my somewhat urban life. OK, there’s no deli or health food store that is easily accessible, but it doesn’t stop me walking or biking to Winn Dixie to pick up a basket of food. I can bike to work, and maybe be an example to others that it IS possible. And maybe if more people do it, eventually some nice stores will open in the neighborhood and it’ll be the place I imagine that I want to live.

So, today I bought a new bike to cycle to work on, and I’m going to do a test run tomorrow. Then the plan is to bike Tuesday and Thursday next week, building up to every day the following week. And cancel the cleaning service. Man, I hope I can do this and it won’t just be some harebrained scheme that I tried and failed.

The next age cometh

I wonder, does it say something about my life that my dad has called three times this weekend, leaving ever more frantic messages, to find out if I would pay for something that one of my step-brothers* is trying to get from ebay, because the seller won't accept international checks or money orders. And at the end of the phone call, when I asked my step-mother if my dad had anything to say to me about [a specific day in the next, uh, two days or so], there was frantic wispering going on, followed by a loud "oh yeah" from dad, who then came on the line again to wish me a happy birthday. Before proceeding to get my age wrong by reminding me that the big four-oh was next year. Um, no, it isn't. Thanks dad. I guess out of sight really is out of mind!

*yes, I have two step-brothers. But I don't usually mention them because, well, I've only met one of them once. Not that I can remember which one of them it was that I actually met, because it was only for an hour or so. And my dad and my step-mother have been involved for about 20 years. Yup.

So, ahem, anyway, I have been resting and healing from the Clear Passage onslaught, and everything seems to be going well. Although it took me an hour to do the exercises I am supposed to do every day, not counting the million or so Kegels I need to fit in somehow, so I need to speed that up somehow. I was probably not properly counting the thirty seconds I am supposed to hold stretches for, as I was trying to watch TV at the time. Clearly I am losing the ability to multitask. I guess it's an age thing.

The Gainesville Report, Part 3

I'm baaaack! Home safe with my kitty and my buggy car.

So, it's time to update you all on my adventures, and I'll try to answer some of the questions - sorry, couldn't check comments while I was away. But first (and most importantly!) let me just say that meeting Calliope was fabulous! She is one cool chick (as I always knew she'd be). And just as gorgeous in real life as she is in photos, and we all know she's pretty darn photogenic, so that's a lot to live up to. I had a blast meeting her, and hope that we'll be able to get together again soon. It's just so heart warming to finally meet someone that you've connected to, and to have so much in common. And yes, she's a dork for worrying if I'd like her. Duh! I was worried that there were so many cooler people in her internet fan club than me that I'd just seem very ho hum and boring. But hey, we talked about sperm and vaginas and RE's and IVFs and internet friends, so no worries about running out of things to discuss!

OK, so back to Gainesville. The clinic is set up kind of like a doctor's office, but with more "homey" touches so it doesn't have as much of a clinical feeling. There are 5 treatment rooms, with a fancy massage type bed, supplies and of course, tinkly music. You strip to your bra and knickers (or panties if I'm being American), and put on a robe. There is also a paper gown to wear if you want to, but I found it hot, crinkly and sweaty, so I stuck with the robe. Each patient also has a blankie - the blankie and robe are yours for the week, which they put in a big plastic bag with your name on after every session. When the therapist is working on you, they usually have you lying on your back, with the robe open at the waist, and they put a towel over your knickers for a bit more coverage. You can have the blankie on you too, if you want. Mine was usually over my toes which got a bit chilly.

Every day they worked on my abdomen. They would palpate it and move it around to find stuck spots, then would dig their fingers in and hold it. The first couple of days, it would feel like the skin was tearing when they were doing that. After that, it felt like a hot poker. I started thinking of it as the house of pain at those moments. But after it got really really hot, it would release and go back to normal. Then they would let go and palpate again, and you could totally tell that the restriction was either gone or completely lessened. I thought several times of asking them to stop, but usually just said "ah-ah-ah" like I'd put my hand on a hot stove or a pathetic "it buuuurns" and we kept going after they checked if I was OK. They also worked on my head, neck, jaw and thighs. I found the worst points to be my left hip flexor which hurt like a mo'fo', and this morning as they were working on it I had a memory pop up of falling down a metal slide as a kid and landing badly, and my jaw on the right, where I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness and ended up bawling my eyes out as they touched a sore spot. They say you can store memories of trauma in your tissues, which I totally believe. Didn't find out what was causing the jaw issue, but it may come up later I guess.

I had four therapists working on me over the course of the week - 3 women and a man. The man did 2 out of the 20 total hours, one woman did 4, the others more. At first I was worried about having different people see my flab, but it was actually good because each therapist was a little different in technique and personality so I felt like I was getting the best out of each of them.

And I got an internal session every day too. It usually lasted about 10-15 minutes out of the 4 hours total treatment I got every day. They'd have me take my knickers off, and while I was draped in a towel, they would glove up and stick their hand up my va-jay-jay. Usually lying on my back, though I did have to get in some pretty weird positions. Again, they'd find a stuck spot and push on it, until it "gave". Sometimes this hurt a lot, sometimes not. It was actually fine most of the time, except when they were moving my cervix to make my uterus move, which felt pretty damn odd. On Thursday, I got the internal treatment in the other area. Yes, a man stuck his finger up my arse. But apart from the unpleasant feeling of his finger when it first went in, and when he took it out, the actual treatment up there didn't hurt. He was pulling on two ligaments to move my tailbone. I think the thought of it was worse than actually going through it, but I definitely won't be volunteering for it again any time soon.

So, I'm sad that the week is over. Not that I like pain, but they were so nice and caring, and it gave me so much hope. It was a profound experience in so many ways, and I didn't want that to end. But also because I feel that there are still areas of my body that are stuck and restricted that I'd like more work done on, even though they said some of it will continue to heal based on this week's work. However, in my discharge evaluation, the therapist was able to move my cervix all around without pain, my uterus is much more mobile, my legs are the same length (one had actually shortened by an inch or two because the muscles were so tight) and I can open my jaw without pain. She measured me bending through different angles, and as an example, when she had me lean backwards, I could bend my spine back 10 degrees more than on Monday morning. 10 degrees! Just from loosening the muscles, tendons and ligaments.

Pretty remarkable stuff. I highly recommend it to anyone with adhesions, blocked tubes or other tightness, and a high pain tolerance. And five grand (though hopefully insurance will reimburse some of it). And a BMI less than 36. And a willingness to believe that it works.

In other words, it was a fucking fabulous week.

The Gainesville Report, part 2

I really wasn't going to post today. I thought a nice little holiday from blogging would be cool. And here I am. Because, well, wow.

I don't know about other infertiles, but since reading Julia Indichova's book, Inconceivable, I've been waiting for that "aha" moment. The "so this is why I had to go through infertility" moment. Julia thought that her child was waiting for her to get healthy before conceiving. Me, I feel like I've tried everything, without success. Other women have amazing success with acupuncture, giving up coffee or alcohol, drinking concoctions of wheatgrass, doing yoga, whatever. I've tried it all, it seems and was getting nowhere.

And then I came here. Today has been painful physically. They have been freeing up areas of my body that have been tight for decades. Trust me, it tears and burns and stings when someone is forcing your fascia to stretch. But then I had this realization. I couldn't have gotten pregnant in that state. I would have been a mess. How would my body have coped with the rigors of pregnancy, with all that stretching and moving of organs?  All that extra weight and need for bloodflow.  Not to mention the potential for it to inflict more chronic pain and body changes on me. So then I had the "oh, I would never have done this therapy and been able to heal from these adhesions and restrictions without infertility" realization. I felt that something good had finally come out of it for me. And not only will this help me get pregnant (I hope), it will enable me to live in less pain for years to come (I hope).

I feel like this is what I was meant to do. And that is an awesome and humbling feeling that I'm profoundly grateful for. Even if I'm sore and tired right now.
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Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

The Gainesville report, part 1

The drive to Gainesville was long and buggy.  I stopped at a service plaza and almost didn't recognize the car, it was so splattered with these big black mating bugs. They're everywhere up here - silly me thought north Florida would be less buggy than south Florida not MORE buggy!

Anyway, so far so good at Clear Passage. They are very nice and caring.    

The first 2 hour session was mostly taken up with my evaluation, although we did a little bit of treatment. It was so interesting. The therapist took one look at me standing in my underwear and said my belly button was pulled to one side. And it was!  She showed me in the mirror. I had never noticed before. I had lots of other asymmetries - I could tell as she was testing me. The right side of my abdomen is all tight (which is consistent with all the adhesions found in my surgery) and it is pulling on the left side. My legs are out of whack, I have a lot of neck, shoulder and jaw tightness, and my core and pelvis floor muscles are weak. She did an internal assessment vaginally, and again there was a lot of tightness and asymmetry.

Then she did a treatment while she had her hand up there. It honestly wasn't too bad. It felt like she was just pushing on a spot and holding it there. But when I said "so basically you just push on a spot and hold it?" she laughed. She was like, so my technique that I have carefully refined over 25 years has been boiled down to that?  And actually she did just push for a moment to demonstrate, and it felt totally different. So really, I have no idea what they do. 

The second 2 hour session this afternoon was more painful. It was with 2 different therapists. One concentrated on my right leg and abdomen, which were both sore and tight. The other did more abdomen work and some craniosacral therapy on my head and neck. But its a good pain because I know this is helping.

Its amazing how bunched up my muscles and organs are. I'm so glad I'm doing this so that I can have hope that my organs will be freed up so they can have good blood flow and work as they are supposed to!

OK, time for my prescribed Epsom salts bath. Then bed, because I am WIPED OUT.

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Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Anatomic anomaly

Thanks for the kind thoughts yesterday. That was sweet of you, and much appreciated. :)

Yesterday I got distracted pretty much all day because I got hold of the typed up report of my laparoscopic surgery that I had done a year ago, because the people at Clear Passage want to see it. I was a bit shocked to see that it described the layout of my tubes and ovaries as an "anatomic anomaly". I mean, the RE had told me that my tubes and ovaries were in the wrong place, but I just thought they'd moved a bit - I have a retroverted uterus, which after all is a perfectly normal alternative position for the uterus to be in, so I figured they'd just flopped over with the uterus, or were mis-placed because they were stuck to my abdomen. But no, the tubes are short, and stretched to their maximum length instead of being curved, and the ovaries are just plain in the wrong place. Even though the lefty was free to move about, apparently it just liked being in the wrong place. The righty was stuck to the abdomen wall. Maybe lefty just wanted to keep it company? The report makes mention of this possibly interfering with ovum pickup. Which was all a bit of a surprise, really, and even today I'm having difficulty getting my head around having a bit of me described as an anatomic anomaly. I guess it's a good thing that I'm doing IVF.

At least it said my va-jay-jay was normal. Which, while reassuring, is also not necessarily the sort of thing you want to see in writing. Because it means that the doc had a good look. I mean, I knew he did - he did a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy after all, but to read a typed up report of it is a tad disconcerting. I have decided I don't like seeing my medical records!

As far as today goes, nothing much going on. I keep writing impossibly long lists of all the things I need to finish at work before I leave for Gainesville, and then being given other urgent projects to work on. So I think a lot of it isn't going to get done. Oh well, if they fire me, at least that's the decision made as to whether I stay here or not.

A light trim

My "patient companion" book arrived yesterday from Clear Passage Therapies. They have sent me so much stuff over the last couple of weeks that I'm kind of drowning in information. I was contemplating not looking through the book. But, as I know that some of the work they do involves "internal" work, I was intriged by the "what to expect" sections in case it gave some hints as to what this actually involves. And it did.

But as I was browsing further there was a "preparing yourself before treatment" section. And there at the bottom of a page it said that for internal work, it is easier for the therapist and more comfortable for the patient if the patient's pubic hair is "lightly trimmed" before attending.

My first thought was "what the fucking fuck?" Ahem, not too eloquent I'll admit, but as a Friday night treat I'd had too much vino so the old synapses probably weren't firing as well as they could have. Anyway, I couldn't quite figure out what a light trim could possibly mean in relation to your pubic hair. Did they mean to take a bit of length off, or did they mean that I should trim the edges so to speak. In other words, was a Brazilian in my future? Eek. I don't think I'm quite ready for that. But then I figured that they must mean the length because if they've got a couple of fingers up your hoo-ha and they're pushing on your hip at the same time, you wouldn't want some hair to get caught and pulled. Ouch! But then, how much length? A light trim in relation to the hair on my head doesn't equal very much percentage of the length. Was I to apply the same rule? What if I got to the clinic and they said it wasn't trimmed enough? What if I completely butchered the job? What if my RE did a double-take if I turned up at my next appointment completely bald? Should I call the poor receptionist and demand that she explain how much pubic hair exactly did that mean I needed to remove? And why did I have to do one more annoying/degrading thing just to get knocked up?

But then I decided to stop being so stupid and just cut the effing stuff. I mean, how badly could I really misinterpret "lightly trimmed"? But, thinking that I could very well make a hatchet job of it, with uneven bits and bald spots, I figured that there was no time like the present and I may as well just get down to it right now because I've still got a couple of weeks before treatment so it could grow out a little and I could re-trim it if necessary. Kind of like topiary.

No, I didn't trim my pubic hair while drunk. Who do you think I am? Tsk tsk to you for even thinking it.

This morning before my shower I therefore sat down with a comb and a pair of scissors. Yes, a comb. And I set about performing a good trim. I'm rather proud of the job, even if I do say so myself. It doesn't even look uneven. Thanks to the comb. I might even keep it this way if I wasn't so damn lazy. But I have to say that this is one time where you guys wouldn't be getting a pic even if I did have a digital camera.

The snake oil purveyors

The storm turned out to be a damp squib. So I'm stuck at work because they opened the office. Hardly anyone is here though, as most people have enough sense to just stay away when they can. Not me, though, I'll always drag myself in if I am physically able. Idiot.

The big news of the day in Sarah's world, though (apart from the fact that I've got some spotting going on on CD12 - WTF?), is that I have booked to go to Clear Passage Therapies in Gainesville for a week. I had been a bit hesitant lately because I found details on an enzyme therapy that is supposed to help break up adhesions and am going to be trying that. After all, why spend $5k on a massage treatment, when you can get the same results for $100? But I decided to go for it, as I believe that it will not only help with adhesions, but with motility of all my "innards" as well. However, I have been warned against going, because various people think it's all a crock of shit, and that they are snake oil purveyors.

It has got me thinking about the things us desperate infertiles will do to try to improve our chances. I mean, there are the RE's that push immunological factors as being very important in unexplained (or under-explained) infertility. My RE seems to think that this is all bogus. There are people that will tell you that acupuncture and Chinese medicine will cure anything. Others who think it won't work. There are people who will tell you that you must cut out caffeine and alcohol, and others who say it makes no difference.

If you speak to proponents of various treatment modalities, you come away thinking that it is all very cut and dried. Why is it that so many people in this world think it's an either/or problem and solution? Why is it that more people aren't recognizing that there must be a myriad ways to become infertile (or sub-fertile if you prefer), so that there can't be one solution for everybody? Surely if I want to try something because I think it might help, shouldn't I be free to try it without being told that it is bogus? I don't know, I just feel that in this area in particular, western medicine is sadly lacking, and that it will probably take many more years of research before they figure out how to help everyone.

Anyway, I checked out snake oil on Wikipedia to find out why it is so vilified, and find out that real snake oil has been vindicated as being a useful pain reliever for joint and arthritic pain, and that it contains some of the highest concentrations of EPA anywhere (much better than salmon and other fish). Interesting. It was just the western imitators that were doing it to scam people that put out the bogus products, and who claimed that it could miraculously heal many ailments rather than just one, that brought the term into disrepute. Hence we have come to associate snake oil with fraudulent products.

I guess that's the real key, isn't it? Finding out who is advocating for a treatment modality that they really believe in, and which has the capability to help some people, and finding out who is just scamming the public. For what it's worth, I feel that the Clear Passage people do really believe in their treatment, and I believe it could help me, so I'm going for it.

Waiting

I managed to get most of my storm prep done, mostly because I decided not to shutter up the house as the predictions aren't as bad now as they were before. I'll make a final decision on that once the 11am prediction comes out. I did move all the patio furniture and other junk inside, so that there shouldn't be much flying about in the wind. This one is supposed to be more of a rain event, so I'm hoping the roof holds up and doesn't leak.

Pretty much it's now just a wait to see what the weather brings us.

Had a flat tire yesterday, so that's another thing I've got to do over the next few days - get to a tire shop. Except they'll probably all be closed tomorrow. And I've got an accupuncture appointment on Thursday, an RE appointment on Friday and a massage appointment on Saturday, all of which need driving more than just schlepping backwards and forwards to work, so I don't want to still be on the little donut spare wheel for any of them. But, at least I now know how to change a tire, and I know that all cars come with jacks, which I wasn't quite sure of before!

The door codes at work STILL haven't changed, by the way. So clearly they're not going to be done before the storm, which means if the jackass wants to come into the office and wreak havoc on Wednesday while we're not here, he's got plenty of opportunity. I have not quite figured out why the people running this place are such idiots, but hey. I suppose I shouldn't complain. I haven't actually been beaten with a baseball bat by the jackass, so I should think that everything is rosy, shouldn't I?

In TTC news, I got an "acceptance" email from Clear Passage Therapies, saying that they think they can help me, and will contact me about costs and scheduling. Hmmm. Been having second thoughts lately, especially after I decided to try taking some enzymes which are supposed to help break up adhesions (and help with fibromyalgia). Maybe I can say to them I only want to do it if my insurance will cover some of the cost.

Clearing the Passages

As ever in my "seize the bull by the horns" moments, I am rushing forwards with plans to make the next IVF cycle a success.

The diet is going relatively well so far, although it isn't showing great results on the scale yet (yes, I was going to try to limit myself to a once a wek weigh-in, but I had to peek). But, I'm reducing my sugar consumption, finishing off the last of the Lean Cuisine lunch stash, and from next week should be entirely on healthy food.

I had an acupuncture appointment last night, and have got back on TCM herbs. So, back to making nasty mud-like tea morning and evening for the next 3 months. Sigh. It ain't pleasant, but it just has to be done. They were very nice about my IVF failure, much better than the last acu guy I ditched who didn't even tell me he was sorry when my first cycle failed.

But, more importantly, I sent off a questionnaire form yesterday to Clear Passage Therapies to see if they think they can help me out. They do an intensive deep tissue massage therapy to break up pelvic adhesions and hopefully increase fertility. It is outrageously expensive, but there's a (slim) chance that insurance will pay as it will be coded for pain, but then again, it's cheaper than another IVF cycle. I had adhesions diagnosed in my laparoscopic surgery last October, and I have a suspicion that they're back again. Or that I have more, this time caused by the surgery. Also, as I have a very retroverted uterus, and malpositioned ovaries, I do often wonder if there's enough blood flow getting to the right places. And there's a little matter of abdominal pain, which I get every month. So, I'm checking this out. I do realize that it might all be bogus, but I got good reports of them from someone who's had the therapy (thanks Nell!) and hope is a VERY precious commodity as you're going in to your third or fourth IVF. So if I have to do this to have hope, then do it I will.

Still haven't really cried properly over the negative beta, so I feel like I'm kind of in limbo waiting for the grieving to happen. I wonder if this is because I haven't got my period yet (yes, it's 18DPO and no sign of the old hag yet). Sometimes we need that visual confirmation of what the doctor tells us. Or maybe it could be because I haven't got shitfaced yet, which usually allows me to overcome that British stiff upper lip and general horror of sobbing uncontrollably. But have no fear, blogosphere, I have plans to get toasty on Saturday night, as I've been invited to a friend's house that is within staggering distance of my house, and she has enormous bucket-sized red wine glasses, a huge wine collection and loves to cook gourmet food. She's also very generous with the pouring! The only downside is that she has a large German Shepherd, and her mother's even larger German Shepherd will also be there. They both scare me, but hopefully they'll be on their best behavior and won't take any chunks out of my leg or anything similar.