Merry (?) Christmas

Well, here we are, another Christmas without a child. Another "adult" Christmas where we can sit around and exchange presents in a sensible, quiet manner, without any kids waking us up at 5am to see if Santa has been. It's all so wrong. Christmas morning should involve ripping wrapping paper at some ungodly hour, followed by shrieking children running around the house trying out their new toys. There's no joy in being polite and adult. There's no joy in having breakfast first and doing the crossword while waiting for everyone to appear. And then of course there are no fun presents either. It's all very nice, and all, don't get me wrong, but I don't want nice. I want shrieking excitement.

And then of course I have to do the obligatory phone calls to the family in England. And to all of them I'll be saying that I'm fine, but I won't have any tales of interesting things that I've done lately. Because all I've done this year is IVF after IVF after IVF. And I'm really not fine. But of course I will be lying through my teeth, because they really don't want to hear that I'm not fine and that I've failed so many IVFs when they've just watched the Queen's speech on TV and are settling down to another glass of sherry.

Bah humbug. I guess all I can do is hope that next Christmas I will have a little one, or at least I will be pregnant and happy. And until then, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other so I can somehow endure.

But anyway, merry merry to you and yours. If you celebrate. And if you don't, I hope you get to have a lovely day off work.

I have finished the Domar book, by the way, and it was great. I highly recommend it if you're dealing with this shit too. She even had a chapter on how infertility affects singles and lesbians. Woo-hoo! It was so nice to be included and validated. And Belleruth is still making me cry with the meditations, but it's more of a leaking of tears than sobbing and wailing. But damn it, she says all the right things.