Saturday, April 25, 2009

All the lonely people...

I realized yesterday just how very alone I am in the world. First there was my natural shyness/laziness. I am not gregarious enough to collect a large bunch of friends. I have been a hanger-on at various times to large bunches, but I was never the anchor of the group, always an outlier. I have never been brave enough to assume that other people don't already have fabulous plans and would actually welcome a call from me seeing if they want to go out, so I have never been one to call on the spur of the moment and arrange something. Then there was moving around - each time you move to a different city or country, you essentially throw away those friends and start from nothing again. Oh sure, you promise faithfully to keep up with certain people by phone and email, and you do for a time. But at some point it settles into occasionality.

Then there is my job, which has always had me working more hours than I would like. Friends started getting married and stopped going out with the single girls. Then came infertility. As I tried to do things like cutting down on drinking, it was hard to keep going out with the friends where drinking defined our relationship. If I had an IUI at 8am the next day and had to get up early, it became easier to say "no" to a social event. As the depression and bitterness grew, and the demands of treatment increased, I withdrew more into my shell. As I started coming out of my shell, I signed up for school almost immediately. So now there has been studying that needed to be done, nights at school, and other nights of just plain exhaustion. There has been very little socializing going on.

So here I am on spring break. I said to myself that this week I'd get out and about more. And I finished up work at 7.30 last night and suddenly realized that I'd quite like to go out, maybe have some wine, let my hair down. Except that all my work buddies had already left for the evening so I couldn't see if someone wanted to go to happy hour. Did I call anyone? No. I was too chicken. I might have gone to Barnes & Noble and mooched around, but I did that on Thursday night. I thought I might try the library, but it was closed. Going to the movies briefly crossed my mind, but I am not brave enough to do that on my own on a Friday night - a Tuesday, maybe, when it seems more socially acceptable to have no friends, but not a Friday. I thought again of calling someone and again felt like I'd just be intruding on whatever fun they were already having.

So I went home, lonely, berating myself for being pathetic. How did I let it get to this? It is truly lame of me. Of course, I am sure that I could have called a few people and found someone to go out with, but I have this ridiculous thought that I don't want to intrude. And they don't think of asking me any more, because they got so used to hearing "no" that they stopped asking. Sigh.

I must get up some courage tonight. I must DO something. With somebody, preferably.


Anonymous said...

That fear of intruding is so hard to get around. But what if you are? Is that really the worst thing you could ever do? And it is pretty likley that you wouldn't be, so go for it.

Not on Fire said...

I can so relate to this. I agree, the worst thing that could happen is that they would say no.

princessoftides said...

Hoo boy, can I relate. Loneliness sucks. I hope you manage to connect with someone tonight!

bleu said...

I want to tell you a couple secrets. I AM gregarious by nature although I am still one for a few good friends and tons of acquaintances as opposed to a ton of good friends, but here is the secrets I can tell you are absolutely true.

Almost all my great times and great friends have come from assuming others want to get together and do something, even if it was not true. One thing that was and is always true, even of those of us who have an easy time meeting new people....we all love getting a call asking to do something, we all love getting a call just to chat. or get a coffee or anything. It feels nice always. And we do not always think of calling someone, especially those who seem so independent.....because we all assume everyone else has way more of "a life" than us. So make the call, make someones day hun, it would always make mine to get a call from you!!!!!

Much love.

Stephanie said...

I think that *everyone* has the feeling that everyone else's lives are so much more involved and busy and interesting. It leaves them with that feeling that they would be intruding by calling and inviting or just talking.

But, if everyone feels that way, *someone* has to be the one to suck it up and break the barrier. Why shouldn't it be you? I think that's how you go from being an "outlier" to being more of a go-to person.

I mean, look at me. You see what I do every day and, yet, I get no visitors. I mean, you came to visit when you had the opportunities but, no one else that I know has dropped by in the 5 nearly solid MONTHS that I've been housebound.

I think they think they would be intruding. But, I ask myself, "on what??" They just assume that what I've got going on is somehow more involved and they would be intruding. Well, I know what I've got going and I'd love to have some distraction from it! LOL

Anyway, all that rambling is to say, just do it!! You're a cool chick- there are lots of people who would like to hang out with you if only they knew you were available for the hanging! :)

Anonymous said...

I was just saying how I was feeling the isolation of ttc. It's good your at a point where you want to do something about it. I'm not there yet.

I also moved around, failing to maintain any connections I may of had. My DP on the other hand has the same group of friends (they all went to pre-school together). Even after 10yrs it's so unfamiliar to me it drives me crazy. And let me just say, they spend a lot of time talking about old times. How can you make new memories if all you ever talk about are the old?

Ok, I'm going now. I hope you find someone fun to do something with.


ariel said...

Do you have hobbies? Find a group of people who like the same things you do on Craigslist or something - or try something new on a friend's recommendation. Try to expand your horizons - falling into a rut is so easy, but getting back out is exponentially harder.

Almamay said...

I agree with the other comments. A lot of time you make assumptions about what people are doing or thinking and you are wrong, especially if you are feeling tired emotionally and physically.

Make the call when you are putting together spur of the moment plans and if they can make it they will. If not they will remember you when they are making plans short notice.