Muse. Bullet. Points.

Yes, yes, I'm still here. Still haven't quite managed to pull the plug.

I have been having many thoughts about motherhood and the like. More often than not I think "what a lot of work and effort all that stuff is" and think maybe I'll just be child-free forever. And downsize my life and live in a tiny apartment in the best part of Montreal. Or New York. Or Paris. Or Buenos Aires. Or...I don't know, anywhere chic and urban. Things I couldn't do with a kid in tow.  I imagine being a funky, cool old lady, not of the cat-crazy variety. With a miniscule wardrobe (that perfectly fits my size six frame - because of course I will be chic and thin) but which is all impeccably made of the finest materials by the finest designers. That I wear to the library. Or shopping to the market, where I will buy fresh flowers, no, fresh orchids, every week. And to my yoga class where I will wow the youngsters with my lotus pose. Sorry, I digress.

Then I think about the steps that turn us into an adult - marriage and children are the big two. I wonder if I never have either of those, if I'll ever be fully recognized as a real adult by certain sections of society. You know the type, the "you'll know what I mean when you have kids" type, whose every pronouncement is accompanied by a knowing look to the other parents in the room. But then again, there are other avenues into adulthood - the big birthdays, the buying of your first home, the responsibilities of bill paying. My family treats me like an adult because I act like one, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, and by the time I'm 70 and living my impossibly cool life nobody else's opinion will matter, after all. And then sometimes I think that I'm getting too old to be looking after a baby, and maybe I'd better just adopt a toddler or something. After I've graduated, of course, and actually have some time to spare. But just so I can skip all that inconvenient baby stage stuff. [And please, don't wander over here and think that I'd better not be a parent after all because I am not interested in the baby stage - you should know that after years of heartbreaking infertility treatment I'd probably kill to get to experience the baby stage. I'm trying to think of the positives, here, of missing out, all right?]

How does one go about forging a life for oneself when so many thoughts take me around and around about child rearing or child bearing, and missing out? I take a step forwards and a step backwards all the time - it is like a dance. I make one decision and then change my mind completely and decide that another is the right way forward. I recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "five birds are sitting on a wire. Four birds decide to fly off - how many are left? Five, because deciding and doing are not the same thing." Or words to that effect. It definitely resonated with me, I can tell you.

Anyway, some bullet points from the rest of my life recently:

• I have solar panels! Woot! 2kW of sun-powered goodness is now juicing up my house.
• I have lost a total of 18 pounds. So far.
• If you suffer from migraines, give up dairy, coffee and artificial sweeteners if you consume any to excess. Says one of the professors. Oh, and do yoga.
• I seem to have developed a small crush on one of the profs. He has mentioned a wife. It won't go anywhere. But still. It is a nice day dream.
• If you are overweight, try to always leave yourself just a little bit hungry. If you also tend to being cold and having loose poop (yes really, acupuncturists talk poop a lot) eat ginger, garlic, sweet potatoes, tofu (and some meats but I can't remember which because I didn't pay attention at that point). Ditch the processed carbs and too much sugar. Do strength training (ye-ess, still not so hot on my strength training, but I will get around to it at some point).
• They mentioned that two students per year from my school win a scholarship from the Chinese Government to go and study in China. For a year. You know I want to be one of them.
• I planted some plants today so my yard is less embarrassingly dead. I hope I won't kill them.
• The Craziness at work is not. yet. over. It's been over 2 months already, and I am tired. But to reveal some details - 13 people left, 1 was fired, 2 were laid off, and 1 or 2 more may be laid off still. Everyone else is moving (same building, just squishing up together to stop having so much dead space between those of us that remain). Sigh. But the good thing is that everybody I could have wanted to go is gone. I think it'll be a nicer place to work when the dust settles.