Cash strapped

Well, I'd like to report a nice uneventful clinic visit, but that would be lying. Oh, not that there's anything wrong with my follicles or anything like that. In fact, I've no idea how my follicles are doing because I didn't have an ultrasound - just bloodwork. And I'm waiting for the call based on the bloodwork, but not holding my breath for anything dramatic (I'd give even odds that the instructions will be "stay on the same meds for another day").

But I went to try to pay for my cycle this morning. And told them to take $8000 from my medical flex spending account, and put the rest on a credit card. Except the flex card didn't go through. The receptionist offered to put through a different amount, but $8000 is the amount I am paying in to it, so $8000 should have worked. After two card swipes, I called the customer service people of my flex plan administrators. And they weren't open yet. I waited a bit, which was fine as I was chatting in the waiting room with one of my internet buddies. Then I called after the appointed opening time. And completely forgot my social security number. I mean, what IS it with me this cycle? But eventually I stammered out a number and the customer service rep told me that I had owed them 8 cents from last year, so the amount available was $7999.92. They could have effing told me this previously, but whatever. Off I trotted back to the receptionist and proferred my card asking if she wouldn't mind giving me a dollar discount off the cycle. Pretty please. She swiped again. And again. Still nothing.

I called. Again. I stayed on hold for a long time, fuming about the wastage of my precious cellphone minutes. Eventually customer service came back and told me they'd have to contact the card issuing company and call me back.

I waited. I waited some more. I went to the patient resource center to kill some time. No call. So I went back to my hotel room and vegged out in front of old Project Runway episodes. I called customer service YET again, and this time they were closed for their Thanksgiving lunch. Grrreat. Finally I got through to someone, again spent an age on hold and was then told that my card had never been activated by accident when our new plan year kicked in, but should be fine now.

So off I trooped to Big Clinic. Again. And paid the cash, finally. Phew. Done.

I should now go off and do something virtuous like a yoga class, but in all honesty the afternoon is actually heading towards chocolate and/or cookie eating. Eggs develop well when fed on a diet of chocolate, don't they?

Missing: one brain

I don't know what it is this cycle, but I seem to have lost my brain somewhere. First my mind went due to the lupron, and then my mental faculties packed up and gave up altogether. Case in point - my first monitoring appointment.

I thought the nurse said to go to Big Clinic on Sunday the 19th for bloodwork. So I booked everything thinking "Sunday" was the day. But then yesterday I started thinking "wait a minute, the 19th is Monday, and one normally does the first appointment after 3 days on stims. She must have meant Monday. I must have misunderstood her because of her accent."

But did I call to confirm? No, I did not. I just assumed that I had Sunday wrong and that I would turn up on Monday. And then flew up to NY, settled in to the hotel and met up with a few girls for Sunday breakfast. Of course, my cellphone rang while I was in the noisy restaurant and I didn't hear it. An hour later as I was mooching around Bloomies looking for some boots, I checked my cellphone to see what time it was and noticed a voicemail. Yup, I had missed my monitoring appointment. I called the answering service, explained that I'd got confused and thought it was the next day, and a nurse called me back an hour later.

She said I could wait until Monday, but I absolutely have to be in between 7 and 8.30 on Monday morning. Have to. Obligatory. I must be in. She insisted that I write it down so I didn't forget. I said I wouldn't forget this time and not to worry, I'd be there on time. I don't think she believed me. I don't blame her really.

Friday morning

I had a revelation this morning. I finally figured out what the nurse said to me yesterday!

You see, the nurse that called with my instructions on the meds had quite a strong asian accent. I think it was Chinese, but whatever. So she said "you on lupron pour one, righ?" and I went "sorry? What did you say?" "Lupron pour one." "Umm, no, sorry, I don't understand. You said lupron and then I don't know what you said after that." Eventually after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing she practically shouted "ten units" to which I went "oh! Yes, I'm on ten units of lupron." So then she rattled off that I was to stay on the same dose that evening and start 300 of follistim and 150 of menopur today, and drop the lupron down to "point zero five". I didn't have a clue what she meant by 0.05 of lupron, but said yes, OK, right, gotcha, as I knew I should drop the lupron down to 5 units. But, just because I'm anal and have a need to know precisely what is going on at all times, I then immediately called my assigned IVF nurse, thinking I'd ask her what the eff the other nurse meant. I understand my IVF nurse perfectly as we're from the same little country on the other side of the pond so have this whole fellow countrywomen bond going on. Except her voicemail said she was now out until Monday. Great. No explanations for me.

Last night, as I did my lupron shot, I noticed that the syringe was a 0.5cc syringe, and went up to 50 units so then it made sense to say 0.05 of lupron because if we're talking about cc's rather than units, 5 units is 0.05 cc's. So that clicked. All well and good. But something was still nagging me. That whole "pour one" thing. Now, you're all probably way ahead of me at this point and have figured it out, but I still couldn't for the life of me understand what the nurse had been saying. Which bothered me because I like to think that when it comes to something as important as drugs I should know exactly what I'm doing.

Until this morning, that is, when I was eating my oatmeal and not even thinking about shots. "Pour one!" came into my head. And with great clarity it finally dawned on me that it's "point one", as in 0.1cc, as in ten units. Duh, double duh and triple duh. Why on earth I couldn't figure that out yesterday, I don't know. But it makes me happy that I do at least now understand everything the nurse said.

I am flying off tomorrow, which means that I will be super busy and won't have time to post. I have to take my kitty to the vets to board her, and that is already making me teary. I also have to figure out what to pack, which I am useless about as I can never figure out how cold it is going to be. Oh yeah, and finish the mountain of work on my desk. Talking of which, I'd better get cracking.

Oh Jeez

One more day of the crazies. I am cleared to start stims, but they don't want me to start until tomorrow. One more day of lupron at this strength before I can drop down. I just hope there are no homicidal tendencies in the meantime.

Look ma! No cysts!

I went for my wanding today at my local clinic. And I'm pleased to say that I have NO cysts. All is quiet on the ovarian front. The ultrasound technician did feel it necessary to point out three times that "you are very gassy" with lots of emphasis on the "very". Gee, thanks. And that is relevant to my ultrasound how? Either you can see my ovaries or you can't. Why feel the need to make me feel small for a normal bodily function? Not that I think I am a particularly gassy person, you know, it's not like I was trying to hold in any tooting while I was lying on the table. And when she was showing me my ovaries on the screen, and almost delighting in pointing out said gassiness, I have to say, it all just looked like fat to me. But then I'm not the expert, so what do I know. To my untutored eye, though, my follicles all looked nice and evenly sized so that's a big relief. Hopefully I can avoid any dominant follicle issues this time around.

She found 4 antral follicles on the right, and 6 on the left. So that compares with last cycle's 11 antral follicles. Hopefully the long lupron protocol will enable me to actually get all the antral follicles stimulated to produce eggs. Oh, if only! Hey, a girl can dream.

I almost killed a few motorists in a road rage incident on the way in to work, so the lupron is still making me, erm...feisty, shall we say. But why oh why can nobody follow the damn road rules any more??? Don't they realize there are hormonal maniacs sharing the road with them? Thank Christ my boss is going off to his meetings in an hour or so, so hopefully he will emerge from this cycle without a hatchet embedded in his skull.

Please though, if you value world peace, pray that Big Clinic will let me start stims tonight, and more importantly, drop my damn dose of lupron. I feel that the harmony of this particular corner of mother Earth may be severely damaged if I have to continue being a short tempered beyotch for much longer.

Raving lunatic

Oh dear god.

The irritability has run amok. I nearly slapped my boss. Twice. For being an insufferable idiot. Then banged my head repeatedly against my computer wrist rest (not quite an idiot myself, it's a soft, cushy wrist rest) in front of him when he asked me yet another stupid question and told him to stop wasting my time. And then nearly stuck pencils in my own eyes in frustration.

And then ran off screaming so I could calm down.

Not that it's the best time to antagonize my boss, because he's about to go off to the payraise committee to decide whether I get anything at all next year. I'll probably be fired at the rate I am going.

Jesus H. and Jiminy Cricket, I spoke too soon on the lupron. I have clearly gone psychotic.

In my defense officer, he is an insufferable idiot.

Irritable? Moi?

OK, so the flowyness kept going and it really was officially CD1 yesterday. So that was the right call. I am actually getting rather nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow morning. I never used to be, but after that whole monster cyst/cancellation debacle, I don't take them for granted any more. Especially after I've already booked the flight! So, if you're the praying type, please pray for lots of antral follicles and no cysts!

I'm fairly headachy again today, so that's annoying, but overall I really can't complain about the lupron too much this time. I mean, sure, the cat has been shouted at more than she usually gets shouted at during PMS time but she is a particularly whiny cat sometimes, so it probably evens out. And she's gone back to having a pooping on the floor habit, which is irritating beyond belief. [Wait? Did I just say the lupron wasn't affecting me much?] I'm going to have to go and get my 6th or 7th litter maid self-cleaning box, as that's the only thing that works. Unfortunately, only 2 of those litter boxes had a motor that didn't burn out within weeks, and they cost $120 a pop, so every time one burns out I always think I'll just try to keep going with manual scooping and hope for the best. I've tried scooping twice per day, and even bought her a second litter box because I read that cats like to poop separately from where they pee. So what does she do? Pee in both boxes, and then if there's a single pee in a box, she won't use it to poop in but goes on the floor. And if she'd just poop at the same time every day I could make sure it was clean before then, but no such luck on that score. If only I didn't, you know, have to go out to work, and oh yeah, sleep, I could scoop instantly every time she pees and her highness wouldn't be tempted by the laminate flooring. Thank God it is laminate flooring by the way, and not carpet!

Whoa, where did that little rant come from? Ahem. Loopy lupron, nice to make your acquaintance.

Aaaand we're off. Maybe.

OK, the spotting turned a little more, umm, flow-y, so I decided to call it cycle day 1. Called the nurse, who wasn't in. Why is that, by the way? Why is my IVF nurse out of the office on pretty much every day that I call? So I called the scheduler, and explained ever so sweetly that I would normally speak to the nurse but she wasn't in, and owing to the fact that I didn't get a cycle confirmation letter I wasn't terribly sure what to do. And of course she pounced on the whole "no letter" part of the sentence and started grilling me on my address, and insisting that the letter was sent to me in September. Uh huh. Can we steer things back to "what do I need to do now?" please? Can we just accept the fact that I do not currently have a letter, and the question of whether or not it was never sent to me or I destroyed it by accident is immaterial?

Anyhoo, we ascertained that I had everything I needed and that I just need to continue on the lupron then toddle off for an ultrasound and blood draw on Thursday morning at the local clinic, and report back to them afterwards. Then they'll give me more instructions on starting stims. So I made the rash decision to book my flight for Saturday instead of Friday as I had originally thought and change my hotel reservation to Saturday as well, in the hope that they won't want me back in until cycle day 6. Cali asked about arranging travel - well, I basically wait until I can stand it no longer, and then hop onto the Jet Blue website and book a one-way flight, hoping for the best. I did have to cancel the flight that time I got postponed because of the monster cyst, but I was able to use most of the money for a subsequent flight so I was only out the cancellation fee of $30 (now $35). I could leave it until the day before I travel to book, I suppose, but that leaves me with the worry that a) it would cost about the same as buying a new car, and b) I wouldn't get a seat, thus having to drive to NY instead of flying. So I'm taking the risk. Oooh, don't I live dangerously?

Of course, having done all of that, I'm now convinced that the flowyness has probably dried up and we'll be back to spotting because it was a pretty marginal call. But what the hell - none of it really matters on lupron. I hope.

Cycle Day One Last Time?

Having one of those wishy-washy "is it or isn't it?" days. It could be CD1, or it could just be spotting. Don't really know. Don't really care any more, either, except that the fact that CD1 did not come yesterday means I don't have to fly to NY on Friday, hopefully making this week a little less hectic. Although judging by the state of my inbox, nothing is going to really help on the hectic front.

Sigh

I'm feeling pretty depressed today. It's probably a mixture of the lupron, PMS, and the fact that I hate my job. But I'm slowly working out the second career/exit strategy, and although many aspects of it seem to be a very long way off, at least it gives me something to cling to when everything else is crap. As an example of how crap it is at work, we've had 5 people quit our office in the past two weeks, and probably more to come. Morale is low. And in the midst of all this, I really need to have a good, solid, and highly productive week so that I can take off for two week's vacation for the IVF cycle without worrying. I'm not quite sure how to pull that off, but I suspect that there'll be a fair amount of working late this week.

I had a great weekend - got my two craniosacral therapy sessions in, so I feel that I'm on my way to clearing those karmic blockages. But then of course I often worry that if this doesn't work this time I'll kind of look like a fool for thinking that karmic blockages were the answer. However, when have I not looked like a fool, so why worry on that score now? It can only help to do some of this work, and if it doesn't help enough, at least I tried. "At least I tried" seems to be somewhat of a motto these days.

The only slight downside to the weekend was a phone conversation with my dad, who seems to think that the NY doctors are just out to take my money without telling me that it's got no hope of working (based on some coverage last year of unscrupulous fertility doctors in the UK, which has stuck in my dad's mind) and that I really should be finding a husband. Well, yeah, but as we've discussed several times, the pickings are pretty slim around here and if I'm having this much trouble getting pregnant now, what makes him think that it'll automatically work in a year or so when I miraculously find that husband? So that was slightly annoying, but oh well. He did at least wish me luck.

I kind of got my thyroid result back, but not really. I got left a voicemail that my TSH was normal, but my T3 was a bit low, so if I wanted to get a copy to discuss with my internist, then to call them back and they'd send a copy. I mean, does that mean I should discuss it with my internist, or not? It sounds entirely optional, really, but I know that even though my TSH may be normal, last time it was 2.5, which is a tad high for TTC, and that a low T3 also points to hypothyroidism. So on balance, I may have an issue. However, I decided that as it's too late to get an appointment with an internist before the IVF cycle, I'm just going to wing it, and hope that if Big Clinic was really worried, they would have used much stronger wording. Hopefully it's not out of whack enough to prevent the cycle from working, and I can always have it checked out when I get back from NY in case it would interfere with anything.

The lupron is going well, by the way. No more forgetfulness on the shots, thankfully. And the headache has been a coming and going type of thing, so I'm thankful that it hasn't been a constant companion. I'm just waiting for my period to arrive so that I can get the show on the road. And as typical with my body, it's nowhere in sight. It's 15DPO today, and nada. Still, I'm beginning to think that if I can delay that flight to NY by a day or two, it'll help with the stress of getting everything done, so maybe it's a good thing.

Alarming

Thank goodness for Blackberry alarms! I was vegging out in front of the TV last night, chortling at My Name Is Earl and generally minding my own business, and the darn Blackberry started beeping at me. At first I was kind of confused because the alarm is a similar sound to the text message beep on my cellphone and I'd had a text message earlier in the evening so at first thought I had another one. I picked up the cellphone. Nope, no text. Then the Blackberry. Hmmm, the alarm was going off. I wondered why.

And then the ton of bricks came crashing down straight upon my head, momentarily knocking me off balance.

The lupron shot! Duh. And the prize for the most forgetful idiot of the year goes to...drumroll...me.

I had totally forgotten about doing lupron. But I suppose the good thing about doing so many IVF cycles is that I have learned by experience, as I did actually completely forget a lupron shot on a previous cycle (luckily I remembered a few hours later before going to bed, so no real harm done). So, I learned that I had to set myself an alarm every day that I need to do a shot, no matter what. No matter if I think there is no way on earth that I will forget, the alarm is set to go off every day. Because the likelihood is that my brain will empty out the second that the goggle box goes on in the evening, as I proved yesterday. I used to do my shots earlier, at around 7pm, which is usually before the TV goes on chez Solitaire, so it may have been less of an issue. Or I may have been more anxious/interested about the whole process before I failed so damn many of these things, and therefore cared more about doing shots precisely on time. But anyway, this cycle I'm trying to time things around all the flights I have to make going backwards and forwards to NY, so I shifted my shots to 8.30pm as that's smack in the middle of Big Clinic's suggested timing of between 7 and 10pm. And smack in the middle of TV-watching and brain-emptying opportunities. So I don't think this is going to be the last time that the alarm saves the day.

And let me just say to any other bloggers out there going through or about to go through an IVF cycle. Yup, never post about having no side effects. It totally jinxes you. The lupron headache started playing around the edges of my brain yesterday evening and now it has hit full force. I guess those bricks hitting me on the head didn't help either.

Questions

I'm probably jinxing myself here, but I'm happy to report that (so far) I have had no side effects from the lupron. At all. Whatsoever. In fact, I keep having to remind myself to either do the shot or that I already did the shot, because I feel so disconnected from it all. Not that I'm complaining, it's a good thing not to have side effects. But, you know, disconcerting.

Anyhoo, I had a few questions in the comments that I haven't responded to yet, so I will try to answer here.

1. Does valium with transfer increase your chances?
I had to Google this, which proved useless as I got six million hits for various sites trying to sell me drugs. Including one entitled "can you snort valium?" which I had never even considered before. Not that I want to try, but it's interesting to think that other people DO want to try snorting it. But, as far as I know, valium is standard practice at a lot of clinics, because it relaxes you before transfer, and more importantly relaxes the uterus. I couldn't find any evidence of it increasing pregnancy rates (not that I searched for very long), but I guess it wouldn't be standard practice in many clinics if it didn't at least help. It is NOT standard practice at Big Clinic, but they will prescribe it if you beg. Last cycle I had a couple of tablets left over from my old clinic, and I took them sneakily, but only took 1 before transfer and 1 after. And I was very nervous and anxious about the whole thing, especially as you don't get any information about your embryos until you are called into the OR for the actual transfer. As I only had two to work with, I figured I would have been a complete and utter gibbering mess without a valium. So I made a decision that I was never going to do a transfer again without it. This time I have a prescription for 2 tablets, so I will take them both before the transfer. And do acupuncture before and after, so hopefully that will leave me nicely mellow.

2. How did I score a free Akashic records reading?
Ah, well, it helps to have connections. My aunt is a fairly new age type person, and is a craniosacral therapist. So this person that did the reading is a friend of hers, and kindly offered me a free session when we met several weeks ago on the basis that my aunt is so lovely and does so much for her that she wanted to give something back. I did it while at home, but over the phone, which was great.

3. What's craniosacral therapy like?
Based on having a therapist in the family, I have had various sessions over the years. In fact, it's my standard request for birthday and Christmas presents. I think of it kind of like Reiki in many respects, though with a bit more emphasis on your head and spine (obviously, given the name!). You can feel tingly energy in parts of your body that the therapist is concentrating on and it is very relaxing. It's done fully clothed, like Reiki is, and I believe that it was entirely due to craniosacral work that I don't get migraines any more. At all.

4. Are you really as fabulous as you appear to be?
Yes! Thanks for noticing. ;)

OK, OK, I made that last question up.

Waiting to sleep

Mis-timing. It's been the word (words?) of the day. I arrived way way too early for my facial, which was with an English facialist, this being after I had acupuncture with an English acupuncturist, and by the way, my IVF nurse is English - WTF? It's like being in this whole country-warp thing - is there anyone left in the old country or is everyone over here now?  Sorry, I  digress, back to mis-timing and the general killing of time. I had to sit outside a coffee shop being alternately harangued by a deranged man and barked at by an Irish Wolfhound. Then I had far too much time to kill before my ridiculously late flight. So I arrived at the airport a full three hours early and was barked at by an irate security guard. And now my ridiculously late flight is delayed so that I am currently projected to arrive back in my home town at 1:15am. I expect it'll be closer to 2am.  I am not good with sleep-deprivation, by the way. Not good at all, so I am not particularly cheery at this turn of events. 

I just shot up in an airport bathroom. Not for the first time. And not for the last time, either. Still haven't shot up while actually flying, though I am considering it for the return flight to NY just so I can brag about how hard-core I am. Moving car? Public restroom?  Pshaw, try turbulence, baby!

The coculture biopsy went well. It didn't hurt, apart from some cramps when I was getting dressed. More worrying is that they are making me repeat my thyroid bloodwork. When I had it done in March, I thought it was a tad high, but nobody said anything so I figured it wasn't an issue. Not that I want a problem to be unmedicated but I don't want to be on any more drugs than needed. Especially ones that may have to be taken throughout a pregnancy. It just worries me a tad to take meds if there's a baby there sharing those medications. And I read something a while ago about fluoride in water affecting thyroid levels so it might make me seriously pissed off if my city has poisoned my thyroid gland. Oh well, I'm probably overreacting.

Luckily, Big Clinic being what it is, I got to sit and wait with a fellow IVF vet, so we gossiped about past protocols and egg retrievals. Ah, good times. She was just as much of a failure as me!  Imagine!  I tried to strike up conversation with a couple of other women but they had that deer-in-the-headlights look of  newbies and clearly didn't want to be infected by the cloud of infertility germs that I must carry with me.

The best news of the day, however, is that I managed to score a valium prescription from Dr. S for transfer day, though it's not nearly as much as I would like. Yes, yes, I know. I JUST said I didn't want to take drugs. But valium for transfer day is different. It's necessary!  I made my usual feeble "joke" about wanting enough valium for the entire month but sadly didn't get anywhere.  I should probably have begged harder. Maybe I will if I see him again. Seriously? Why on earth CAN'T we be spaced out for the whole cycle? I'm sure their success rates would go up.  I mean, if we're all supposed to "just relax" and we'll get pregnant, why not help us out a little?

More tomorrow if I am capable of rational thought.  Probably not, so don't go holding any breath out there.

That thing I did

Wow, it was very interesting on Friday. For those who care, I actually had my Akashic records read. Apparently you have a big book up in the ether which has your soul's journey written on it. There's a whole library up there, according to the folks that do this. With everybody's books. And some people can speak to the masters who can access such records, and can give out advice. Hey, no laughing, please! As I said, I wouldn't have done it unless it was free, but some of what she said resonated and made sense. And all the more so once I had discussed it in depth with my aunt, who apparently remembers more events from my childhood than I do. Useful that, as my memory is pretty appalling and I also tend to minimize what I do remember. I am one of those types that is all "Oh, yeah, I had a wonderful childhood and adolescence. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. What's that? No, can't remember anything that would affect me. Nothing at all. Umm, well, you know, I guess I could mention my mother dying when I was 11." I am definitely a glosser-over of bad things. I will tell you I feel fine right up to the point of keeling over or vomiting on your feet. So, it's very helpful to have a relative available who can provide details, as my dad is totally useless on that score.

So, I have some karmic blockages preventing me from becoming pregnant, but I have specific things to do to remove those blockages, and after that I should be good to go. And I'm storing some other emotions in my abdomen, from arguments and grief and other things, which I have to clear as well, partly by telling my abdomen that I love it. Flab and all.

I mean, why not? I've had a guy stick his fingers up my arse in the name of clearing adhesions, so this is pretty minimal in the long list of things I have tried in order to get pregnant. A few meditations, a few craniosacral therapy sessions and voila. Why the hell not try, eh?

In other news, I am in NY! I flew up yesterday, and just had my giant blood draw for the coculture, so my uterine cells which they will take tomorrow can have lots of lovely food to grow on so the lab can make a cushy home for my embryos before they get transferred back to me. I am now in the patient resource center in the clinic, waiting for an hour or so to go by before I decide to walk anywhere. See, I learned my lesson last time, when I tried to immediately walk to Central Park and then almost fainted. Twice. And then ended up lying like a dead vagrant on a bench in the park, attracting double-takes from passers-by who were clearly wondering if they needed to call the cops to come and remove my lifeless body.

Quickie post

Having a crazy work day today, but just saw something that made me giggle. I get myself listed on CycleSista when I cycle (there's a clickable button on the right), and this time they made a typo on my name and put Sarash. Which is weird, as that's also what all the Indian guys on the immigration board that I'm on think I am called, presumably based on the (male) Indian name of Suresh.

Maybe I should change my name? Sarash has an interesting ring to it. Mind you, knowing my luck it probably means something like "barren" in Sanskrit.

Oh, but I also have to say, while I am thinking of Sanskrit - this afternoon I am doing something quite out there and new agey in order to "clear the blockages that are preventing me from getting pregnant". I am quite intrigued, and I will post more later when I have time. But I have to say, I wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't free - one of my aunt's new agey friends is doing her thang free for me because she loves my aunt so much. However, I'm going into it with an open mind. You just never know, and in my new Sue-inspired motto "in this magical season, all things are possible".

Sue says

Thanks to Cali I feel compelled at the start of every month to check Sue for my horoscope. Not that she says stuff that is all that earth shattering or relevant, but some of it is relevant, and gives me a little hope sometime. Or, more often, tells me not to do something I have been planning on.

This month, she's banging on about my career, and me having great prospects for a raise. Now, November IS the month that they decide on my salary, but honestly, my performance has been so lackluster ever since I started fertility treatments, that I highly doubt that a raise is in my future. In fact, I'll probably be lucky not to get fired.

But at the very end, she says something that she's never said before. You have to look close, but there it is. Oh, and November 24th is my estimated egg retrieval date, by the way.

Romance will shimmer on several days during the month, but most divinely on November 7, and in the days, weeks, and months that follow Uranus' turn to direct orbit on November 24.

In the coming months, the planet ruling your house of love, Uranus, has been moving at a sluggish mode, but all that changes from end of November onward. You can expect this surprise-a-minute planet to spice up your love life in time for the holidays.

Start getting ready for parties, intimate dinners, and walks together to look at the pretty city lights. If you've been alone, you may not be for long, and if you feel your partner's neglected you, you'll love being fussed over in coming weeks and months. Do you hope to have a baby? In this magical season, all things are possible.

More telling bone

Yet more telephone time. I got a call from the pharmacy yesterday that my insurance had expired. When it is brand, spanking new insurance, actually. It should not have expired. However, when I reached into my capacious work/schlepping shit around handbag to grab my wallet so I could find the insurance card and call to complain I realized that my wallet was still sitting on the table at home in the teeny handbag I use for all non-work/schlepping shit around situations. Great.

So I called this morning, after reuniting myself with my wallet, and was told that the insurance wasn't expired, but the pharmacy probably called the wrong B.lue S.hield and they need to call a different number. Except I gave the pharmacy the damn number on the back of the card so I'm not quite sure what is going on. But now I know, eh? Pharmacies don't get to use the "provider inquiry" number, but a separate prescription checking number. That is NOT on the back of the card. Riiight. It all adds yet more to my already huge love of insurance companies. Not that they're going to cover the fertility medication, but they might cover an antibiotic or two later in the cycle. And they damn well better cover the large quantity of valium that I'm going to demand.

Effing insurance companies.

Oh, wait, the pharmacy just called back. They allegedly do cover the medication I am ordering! Except my "co-pay" is more expensive than paying the regular price that the discount pharmacy offers. Excellent. How nice of them - pretend to cover certain medications but actually charge more for them!

Anyhoo, I spent some time checking out fun things to do in NY while I am there, and I have signed myself up for a facial on Tuesday. I had a facial on my last coculture trip, so I have decided that it is my "tradition" and I'm sticking with it. Except this time I am going to an organic spa so there will be no nasty chemicals near my skin. And no, I really can't afford to be wasting money on a facial, but if I'm going to be raiding my savings for a large wodge of cash, I may as well build in a few extras so I can have a hope of relaxing a little bit, no?

On the telling bone

I spent all day on the phone yesterday. Well, that's what it felt like at least. I'm sure my boss was wondering what was going on, as my cellphone rarely makes a peep during the day and here it was going off every few minutes. And everyone who knows me knows how cheap I am with my cellphone minutes so it's quite a strange occurence.

So, I have to hold my horses on the lupron (whoa there, Dobbin). Although the scheduler and the IVF nurse on duty said to start it on Saturday, my own special IVF nurse said I can only do the coculture biopsy after having been on it for two days, so she wants me to start on Sunday instead. No biggie, but I wish they'd get their stories straight. You'd think that they'd all know all of these rules! But anyway, the coculture appointment is nailed down for Tuesday morning, and I booked my flights. My meds order is under way. The pharmacy, in a ridiculous bout of optimism, insisted on checking with my new health insurance company to see if anything was covered. Ummm, yeah. My company switched carriers in order to save money. I'm pretty darn sure they won't have just added an infertility benefit for shits and giggles.

Sadly, the acu that cutie acu recommended for me in NY is going to be out of town for T-giving week, so that's that plan out of the window. He recommended me someone else, but I have to google her before I call. What, me? Call someone out of the blue based on a recommendation? Never!

I think the only thing I still need to do is figure out the whole "day 3 start" that the nurse was muttering about. Apparently last time I did a "day 2" start, and while it might seem obvious that it's the day for starting stims that we're talking about, I'm not sure if it means I should get the u/s on day 2 or day 3. I guess another phone call is in order, as everything seems completely chaotic and left up to the patient when you're doing an "out of town" cycle start as I am. More telephone time, sigh.

Is six my lucky number?

Holy crap, I'm starting lupron next Saturday! I'm actually doing another IVF cycle. When did this creep up on me all of a sudden?

I decided that Saturday was the day for the surge. The subsequent OPKs were definitely lighter, and going by my CM and today's pathetic temperature rise I'm going to hope that I am correct. I'd have preferred a nice, clear, unambiguous temperature rise, but nooo, my body does not cooperate like that. But what the heck. Let's just hope for the best and say I've ovulated.

I can't actually believe it has come to a sixth IVF cycle. Who'd have thought it? Who can possibly have hope that it will work this time when it didn't previously? Oh wait, I said that hope wasn't necessary. But still, one has to hope going into a cycle, otherwise we wouldn't do it. I'm back to panicking slightly because of the whole "this is the last try with my own eggs" thing. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?

OK, let's not panic. Let's just casually go down the road of going through the motions, and get on with it.

Ambiguousity

I think I am queen of the ambiguous ovulation tests. I missed a couple of IUI's back in the day because I didn't get a clear positive test, and then popped the egg too quickly.

Yesterday, I may have had a +OPK. Or not. I ended up not peeing for 6 hours during the day, due to a combination of not drinking enough water and taking a really long afternoon nap. So I think my pee was pretty darn concentrated, maybe too concentrated so it gave me a false positive. Who knows. And then it wasn't clearly positive when I first did it, but darkened up a lot as it dried. And it was one of those with a super thin dark line and the rest of it not quite as dark, so it's hard to read. But the ones since then have been getting lighter so even though it wasn't an ideal positive, it may have been the one. I will do another one this afternoon to see what's what, and see if my temperature goes up in the morning (note to self: must not booze too much tonight and create a false temperature rise). I did a test this morning after holding pee for 3 hours, but it was pretty feeble so I am ignoring it. Thankfully it is the weekend, so I can put off calling the scheduler until Monday, when hopefully the situation will be clearer. Or not. Maybe I'll just wing it.

Omelet!

So, back to my own private vagina monologue.

Lots of lovely goopy EWCM yesterday, and an OPK that was darkening up. So I am feeling pretty confident about a nice early surge, and will (hopefully) be vindicated about my choice of Nov. 6th for the coculture biopsy as opposed to Nov. 8th.

Then I really must get on with sorting the meds out, and making sure they really do have me on the schedule. I saw yesterday that there's a long waiting list for November/December cycles, so if I'm not on the schedule I'll be pretty pissed.

Bad

Damn it, I am heartbroken for our Cali.

Hope be damned

I had (yet another) realization about this IVF yesterday. As I was expounding to Cali about how nothing is as important about getting knocked up, it kind of hit me in the face. Nothing is as important as getting knocked up! You may not think that was exactly a blinding realization, but it was actually helpful. Because the fact that I am struggling with hope does not matter. It does not matter if I have hope or not. What matters is flying to NY and going through the IVF so that I have a chance of getting knocked up. The end is what is important, not the means, and definitely not how I feel about the means. The truth is, I have to do this IVF. Hope be damned. Hope may come back later, but for now, going through the motions is much more important.

So that makes me feel, bizarrely, happier. I can just go through the motions. Or, in other words, fake it till I make it.

In other news, I had a tiny bit of EWCM yesterday, on cycle day 8. So I think that I may just surge early because my body probably doesn't realize that it hung on with a 16 day luteal phase and probably thinks that I had a shorter luteal phase. I bet it started cooking my eggs early, like it likes to do. So I'm hoping for a surge at the weekend (maybe). But, whatever. Whenever. As long as it comes.

Cash needed!

If you can spare some cash, please go on over and see Cali (if you haven't already). She was doing a shared IVF where she was supposed to donate half her eggs in return for most of the fees being paid for her. But due to a stupid lab test giving her a positive (false we hope) hep C result, she's now no longer eligible to donate. So has to come up with the cash for an IVF cycle in, like, 2 days. Which she can't do without help. She has a "donate for IVF" button if you can spare anything.

We are weird fertility twins, it seems, as of course I also had a false positive hep C result, which got me cancelled from an IVF. I hadn't started stimming at that point, though, nor had I already travelled to the out-of-state clinic. And would have been cancelled anyway because of a cyst. And can come up with the cash myself. OK, so we're not twins, as the situations are completely different, apart from the bizarre hep C nonsense, but we've been on this fertility rollercoaster together since 2005 and I just want her to finally get knocked up already.

Sunday mish mash

I've mellowed out a bit, although still struggling with the hope issue. I'm still quite sad in general, and partially because I'm doing this alone. Most of the time I am OK about being single through this, but sometimes it really saddens me. I had such (brief) high hopes about cute acu for a while there, and I find it quite pathetic that there are so few men that I meet that are even remotely interesting to me. Then again, I'm not going to force myself to try to be interested in most of the guys that are out there - I watched Knocked Up yesterday, and have to say that I vastly prefer doing this on my own to lumping my future in with any old random dipshit that passes my way.

But anyway, I had the shortest period evah. It came and went in 4 days, two of which were really just spotting. Doesn't bode well for anything in particular, but I keep trying to tell myself that I've got another whole cycle to get myself in balance. And I'm mostly eating like a saint, so I think that will help. OK, I did have two cocktails on Friday night, but that was the first time I'd had any booze in weeks. I should have stuck to one cocktail, like pretty much everyone else I was with, but hey. Call me a booze hound if you want. However, two cocktails used to be pretty much an alcoholic appetizer just to wet my whistle, so things are vastly different from how they used to be. That I can now manage to stop at two cocktails should be a cause for celebration, really.

And just in case anyone misinterprets my posts on how my pain is less than it used to be, or whatever, and thinks I'm this terribly unhealthy invalid, thus believing that my infertility is due to me being near death's door, I want to state that I am very healthy, actually. That's one reason that infertility has been so shocking to me. My current health complaints are: shoulder/neck tension and pain, light and not very red periods, a tendency to loose stools/diarrhea, I'm 15lbs overweight, and uh, the pores in my nose are a bit clogged and I'll get an occasional zit. Really, I can't think of much more than that. My knees hurt if I do too much jogging. My left psoas muscle is tight from an old injury (or is it my iliacus?). If I eat too much dairy, I get an arthritic-y feeling in my knuckles. I crack my spine and neck too much when I'm twisting. And I like to go to bed at 10 most nights so I'm not too tired. Sometimes I get pretty irritated with PMS but it usually passes within a day. I mean, that's it. I never get indigestion, headaches, sinus problems, constipation and whatever else we're supposed to get as we age. I hardly ever get colds or flu or things that go around the office. I eat well, I exercise regularly. I would say I'm as healthy as a horse. I mean, true, I used to have more complaints. I used to have more digestion issues, I used to have mild fibromyalgia pain. I used to get migraines. I used to have low energy/fatigue. I used to have TMJ problems. I used to drink more. I used to eat more bad foods. But I have worked diligently to fix those issues, and for the most part have succeeded. So when I post about being bad such as having two cocktails, or having pain, those things are very mild in the grand scheme of things. I am just clutching at straws trying to find something that is a difference, that can cause me to can say "aha! Finally I am healed".

But, what keeps going around in my head, is if I'm so healthy, why, then, why am I going through infertility? Why isn't everything working perfectly?

And I hate that there are no answers. I feel like I'm the naysayer on some of these chat boards. Hey, yeah, I tried pineapple and it didn't help me! Oh, yeah, I tried soy isoflavones, I tried DHEA, I tried L-arginine, I tried robitussin, I tried wheatgrass. I tried all the remedies that are out there. People don't like it when I post that just because someone tried something and got pregnant the next cycle, doesn't mean that the pineapple or trick du jour really was the cause. It could have been random chance. I so wish I was naive enough again to believe that I could really do one thing and have it be the answer. Because you know that I would do that thing in spades. I have done so much, changed so much, given up so much, in this search for a baby. I'm almost willing to do anything - the only thing I won't do is eat meat.

So why not me? And why can't I have hope?

Moody

I don't know what is up with me lately, I seem to swing wildly between moods. I was doing just fine yesterday until I went to acupuncture. And cutie acu was telling me about one of his fertility patients who had been in an hour before - she is now very pregnant apparently, and doing well. He likes telling me about the successes. Which is very nice and all, but it doesn't give me hope any more so it just makes me sad that I may never join them. And then we were talking about me starting the lupron this cycle, so he was saying how it's been shown that acupuncture really helps the response versus doing it without acupuncture and we'll hope for lots of fat, juicy eggs. Ummm, yeah, again, all very lovely, but I've been doing acupuncture for every single one of my IVFs. Just how do I hang on to hope that this time I will get the magic response? So I get sad that even his illustrations of how I should have hope actually make me sad.

And then of course on the other hand, I do realize that I am doing better this time. I can definitely tell that I have changes in my energy levels and in day-to-day pain levels. My digestion is improving more. It is all good. I suppose I am feeling a bit down because of the period not being as I had hoped. You know, I was hoping it would be a perfect turnaround, a perfect flow, as Randine Lewis loves to tout in her book, of the "her cycle balanced within weeks, and she was pregnant the following cycle" success stories ilk.

It is just so so hard to hang on to hope. Obviously I have hope, because I am going forward with the cycle. But it is a tenuous hope. A feeble hope that flickers like a candle flame in a breeze. I try to focus on what I am doing differently, and twice-weekly acupuncture is one of the differences. Previously I did once-weekly acupuncture. Will it be enough, though? Will I actually get the golden egg, or am I just doomed to failure because I am using donor sperm and therefore not trying every month. Did I pop the golden egg last month and waste it because there was no sperm there to meet it? Was that my last chance and I blew it?

I think the pressure has ratcheted up because of my self-imposed "this is the last cycle" stuff. I am so paralyzed with fear that it won't work and I won't have another cycle to try again. I just can't face the thought of giving up on my family's genetics. But I have to stop at some point. It is just not healthy or realistic to keep going indefinitely. Not to mention the fact that I can't afford to keep going indefinitely. And yet, I just really don't feel ready to say that this is where my grandparents stop. Where my parents stop. That their genes don't get to travel forward into the future, into this grand experiment that is humanity. That they become a stunted branch of the family tree that will wither into nothing. I think in many ways, this would be a lot easier if I had other family members that were procreating. But we are a small family, and have too many people that are not having kids for various reasons. Between me, my brother and my 4 cousins we have produced one kid. And that may be it, because even the fertile one may not have any more due to some quite nasty birth complications. I feel this crushing pressure to try everything I possibly can, but it is just stifling at times. Like now. It is hard to breathe.

-10

Feeling pretty happy today! I am now 10 lbs down from my highest post-IVF weight. Yay me! Next mini-goal is to be 10lbs below my last ER weight, and then my big goal is to be under a BMI of 27 before the next cycle. Which I might have a chance of making if I do well over the next month.

I was hoping to have a post about how my period is all lovely and red and normal like it was when I was a teenager. And sadly, I can't say that. But it might be a bit less clotty and a bit more red, so that's something I guess. However, I'm not going to dwell on bad things, only on good things. And after all, I do have another month before I start stims, so there's more time for my body to become better balanced.

Doing the (mini) freak out

So, I called the scheduler yesterday, as I mentioned. And she left me a voicemail when I was on the phone. Darn, if that isn't always the way. I can be sitting waiting for that phone to ring for hours hoping she'll call, and then the second I have to actually do some work, she calls. Damn work, getting in the way of my life yet again.

She moved my pencilled-in appointment for the coculture biopsy to the 8th. When I'd already booked the hotel and the time off work for the 6th. So I started having a freak out, and imagining not being able to change my hotel reservation, or worse, changing it, and then surging early and having to change it back again to the 6th. And not being able to because of the hotel being booked solid for a conference or something. And then there's the little matter of a team mate of mine who has booked the 9th off, and asked for the 8th as well if possible. So it'd be hard for me to be off on the 8th as well. And I'd have to travel crazy late after work on the 6th to be able to get there in time for the morning blood work that is necessary the day before the biopsy.

I don't know why I freak so much. It is all changeable. I haven't booked my flight yet because the date is not definite until I actually get my LH surge. If the hotel is booked up, there are plenty of other hotels in the city, they'll just be more expensive. Work will sort itself out. I know all this logically, and yet there's this "ohmygodthingsaregoingwrong" part of my brain that just panics.

Having calmed down, I called her back this morning. And she changed it for me, and put a note on the computer that it might still have to be the 8th, but they'll try to fit me in on the 6th. No fuss, no bother, just a teeny note of annoyance in her voice, but hey, she's a busy lady. So I freaked for nothing. As usual.

But now, I am praying for a nice, early surge, so I don't have to call her back shamefaced and ask her to change it back to the 8th.

Oh, and in case it isn't clear what the plan is for this cycle, it is:

1) monitor for LH surge;
2) have coculture biopsy between 5 and 12 days after the LH surge; and
3) start lupron at 7 days after the LH surge.

So I could start lupron before or after the biopsy, but that doesn't affect things, apparently. And no birth control pills, which is nice. Then I will start stims after my next period. And hopefully stop this crazy IVF nonsense once and for all by finally getting knocked up. Hahaha, don't all laugh at once at my ridiculous hope there.

Finally!

Cycle day 1 is here. Thank the lawd. I was about to kill someone.

The lovely acu did lots of "moving" points yesterday to get things going, although I think it was already on the way, as I had some spotting yesterday evening right before going to acu. But then again, I had spotting on Thursday and Saturday too, and nothing came of it. Acu boy said that my pulse Thursday and yesterday was confused, and it seemed like my body kept gearing itself up to have a period and then backing down again as if it couldn't quite get its act together. Repeatedly. It was all very tiring. I haven't had such ongoing cramping in, well, forever.

But it finally figured it out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see red as I was today.

So, I called the IVF scheduler this morning, and left a message about cycle day 1. I think I can still make the scheduled coculture appointment, provided I don't ovulate really late, so it might still work out. I keep forgetting that it has to be done a certain number of days after the LH surge, not after ovulation. So that gives me an extra day or two to play with.

But, happy as I am, I gotta say (in a petulant and whiny voice), can the cramping please stop now? Pretty please?

Ohferfuckssake

Nothing. No period. Now working on three days of cramps, backaches and poor sleep. And literally, every darn second, it feels like my period is starting. I have been running to the bathroom to check so often, it is ridiculous. If I wasn't irritable before, that's definitely enough to send me over the edge.

Sigh.

16DPO and counting. Why oh why can't my body be consistent? Last cycle I had a 12 day luteal phase. Not that that was good, but why couldn't it go back to 14 days instead of 16? Eff eff even took away my cover lines and told me I didn't ovulate when I entered this morning's temperature. Nasty mean computer! I changed the calculation method and it put them back, but still, it's enough to get a girl jittery.

I'm sick of this. And remember on Thursday how I was all worried my period would start early and mess my timing up? Har har on me. Now I'm going to mess my timing up the other way. I mean, for the actual IVF it won't matter, and in fact, a few days later is better. But the coculture would be so much better done on the day I am pencilled in and not on the following Thursday. I don't even know if I can get a spot on the Thursday, or if it is all booked up. I cannot, absolutely cannot contemplate missing the coculture this month, because that would mean bumping the IVF to December. And I'm pretty sure Big Clinic is closed when I would need to be cycling, so essentially I would get bumped to January. Urgh.

Sunday, bloody Sunday?

So, I spoke too soon on me being all "healed" and better. My neck and shoulder pain is back with a vengeance, I am crampy and my lower back hurts. I'm going to blame this all on my impending period, and hope that I am back to feeling fabulous next week. But Jeez, just hurry up and get here already! I'm tired of the PMS-ing. It should be here today, I had spotting on Thursday and Saturday, and now I guess it's all sealed itself up tight just to play tricks with me. Well, maybe it'll make an appearance later today if I'm lucky.

Then I need to call the coculture scheduler to tell her about my "day 1", and then call the IVF nurse to go over the meds list and get the prescription sent to the pharmacy. There are a couple of items I want her to check with Dr. S. because he was rather vague when I last spoke to him ("um, yes, we could put you on estrogen in the luteal phase"). I think I know where "could" is going to end up if I don't push for more information, as it'll end up with "well, Dr. S. would have to prescribe it for you if he wanted you to be on it, and he didn't, so..." End of discussion. Whereas if the nurse checks it now and gets it written on my chart, I am good to go. See, I am learning how Big Clinic works!

I went out shopping today for a few items of clothing that I can wear to NY. I find it so hard, though, to buy sweaters and think of cold weather things when it is in the mid-80's. But November in NY is not the same as November in Florida, and hardly any of my cold weather clothes fit me, or are appropriate fashion-wise as they were purchased 10 or so years ago. But I got a sweater and a pair of sweat pants, so I think I at least have enough for the coculture trip. Maybe not for the IVF trip itself, but there's time to do more shopping between now and then. Any pointers for late November stuff? How cold is it really going to be?

P.S. retested my cholesterol and it was 212, with HDL at 27. Not great, but better than last week at least. I will just have to keep being good and hope it dips below 200 again soon, with that HDL hopefully coming back up too.

Pulsating

No more spotting since yesterday morning. I don't know why I always freak out about timing whenever something doesn't go according to plan, no matter how slightly. It will all be OK, whatever happens. I can reschedule the hotel and the cat boarding and my vacation from work. I won't book the flight until the timing is more certain, and that's really the only thing that would cost money to change. So I need to stop stressing. But, you know.

Anyhoo, I stumped cutie acu yesterday. He was spending forever taking my pulse, and frowning. So I said that it worried me when he frowned, and asked what was up with the old pulse, you know, was I still alive, that sort of thing. He said he was having a hard time figuring it out, and maybe it was confused because it was the end of my cycle. So, he messed around a bit more, stuck the needles in and left. And then came back in not a minute later, grabbed my wrists again and said all excitedly "I figured it out! Your pulse is just so much stronger than normal it totally threw me off!" And then after my treatment was over, he came back in and again said it was a great pulse. Yay me and my pulse!

Oh, and I heart Stephanie. She knows why. ;) I'll tell the rest of you when the deal is done.

Uh oh

Spotting this morning. It's only 12DPO, which is not good. My luteal phase should be 14 days - at least, that's what it was before I started messing with fertility treatments, and that's what it normally settles back down to after a while. But earlier in the year I had a few cycles with a luteal phase of 13 days. No biggie. And then last month, I had a 12 day luteal phase. Well, surely, I thought, that is because it is the first cycle after a failed IVF. It will be back to "normal" next cycle. But I guess not. And I feel blah and crampy, and like my period is coming, so it could even be an 11 day luteal phase.

Bah humbug. It'll mess up the timing for the IVF trip, AND a luteal phase of less than 12 days is supposed to indicate a problem. Gah. Why is it never easy?

ETA: Nothing else since this morning, so I'm going to hope that that was just a random fluke and that my period will come on time after all. Or at least just a day early - that I can deal with.

Kitty vacation!

Hey, I'm working through my pre-IVF to do list. And the cat is now booked in for boarding while I'll be in NY! Phew! I was getting stressed about it, because it's over Thanksgiving and I was worried they'd be full. And we haven't been to the vet for a year so I didn't know if she'd need to go in for a check-up or vaccinations beforehand, but she doesn't! Double phew! I just need to take her vaccination history with me when I drop her off and give them permission to do any that she needs.

AND it isn't too expensive. Triple phew!

Of course, I'll have to pay dearly in terms of dealing with a grouchy cat when I get back, but oh well. She'd be groucy if I left her at home too, and at least this way I don't have to worry about my friends not wanting to feed her over Thanksgiving.

Too much green

OK, so there are some times when you can ingest too much spirulina, it seems. I've been ramping up my dosage gradually, to get up to the dosage recommended in the book I am following. Well, I had a bit of diarrhea yesterday evening, and, um, it was green! Hehehe. So maybe I'll go back down a bit on the dosage, eh?

Great Scott! I have a great pulse!

I have a great pulse! Whoop!

As some of you know, I have been going to acupuncture for 2 and a half long years. Long, long years. I am currently on my 4th acupuncturist. Not that I'm an acupuncture whore, I hasten to add. But I really believe that it can help, and have really tried hard to keep going and keep the faith. It was hard to see other women say that their cycles turned around in 2 months, or for them to get immediate improvement across the board while I wallowed. I mean, I was getting improvements in various things. Slowly but surely my digestion improved, I had more energy, I had less pain and PMS. But it was such slow progress, and with each acupuncturist I reached a point where I had stalled - they weren't trying new points, just their old favorites, and we were getting nowhere. So that was the point that I usually switched.

With each one, I have asked what I can do about diet, what I should be eating to help myself heal. While explaining to each one that I have no intention whatsoever of stopping being a vegetarian. And every single one of them told me I should be eating meat, and didn't offer any additional help beyond that. Which was pretty damn frustrating, I have to tell you. Except for current cutie acu, who in addition to recommending that I eat meat, also recommended this book. It's like a lightbulb went off once I read the book, and I just really feel like I understand what I need to do to heal myself. I can't recommend this book enough. Although it is a monster tome, I am already re-reading it because it is just so chock full of useful information.

Part of this healing process has been to ingest a lot of Spirulina and Chlorella [because I am a deficient person according to TCM, they wouldn't necessarily be right for everyone]. This got off to a very bad start because I was trying to chew the stuff which is naasty but I persevered, just swallowing the tablets. And eating healthily.

And in the last week or so, it has really come together. I feel like I have a ton of energy, the constant pain in my neck and shoulders where I hold all my tension has gone down so much it's amazing. I feel like a new woman! OK, so the cholesterol is still bad, but hopefully that will come down with continued healthy eating.

It hasn't all been me, I hasten to add. Cutie acu works differently than the previous people, in that he really pays attention to pulses, and works on a few points using needles (or something else pointy, I can't quite tell) but not inserting them, goes back and retakes my pulse, works on a couple more and retakes my pulse again, and only then puts in the needles and leaves me. And then when he comes back in after 20 minutes or so, he retakes my pulse again. I feel like he's really figuring out what this is actually doing to my body, and adjusting accordingly, rather than just sticking needles in his favorite points.

And he's not a fertility specialist. I read all the time on the bulletin boards how women are supposed to go to fertility specialists when TTC. And I went to two of them, and all I got were stock treatments, I feel. I'm doing so much better with someone that actually just listens to my body. So, all the "you must go to a fertility specialist" stuff is bullshit, in my opinion.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to say that, not only am I feeling great, last night when he checked my pulse after a treatment, he said "wow, what a great pulse!". I was so proud. Hehe. Nobody has ever been impressed with my pulse before!

Good gravy

So, remember after the whole "you have hepatitis C and a monster cyst on your ovary" scare, I went to the doc who pronounced that my cholesterol was rather shockingly high (with my HDL cholesterol being rather shockingly low)? No? Well, I do. So there. Anyway, as the doc knew that I was trying to get pregnant he said we wouldn't try statins straight off but see how I did with diet and exercise.

So I dieted and I exercised. Like a maniac. Not so much a weight loss diet, but a cholesterol lowering diet. And I managed to drop 60 points in 6 weeks by basically going vegan. I thankyouverymuch. I am the star, I thought. The cholesterol-lowering queen. I bought a home cholesterol meter, and managed to get it down further to a fairly respectable 192 with further dieting and exercise. OK, so the HDL didn't come up spectacularly, but it came up, that's the main thing. I didn't bother going back to the doc, because I figured I'd just keep buying the home testing strips which were cheaper than a doctor's visit. Except I didn't keep buying them. Instead I went off and did an IVF. And I thought that maybe the IVF meds had been what had caused the cholesterol spike in the first place, so I'd wait a few weeks before testing again. And a few weeks stretched somewhat. And I never tested again.

I finally went and bought some test strips today. Dagnammit, if the total cholesterol isn't back up to 236 and the HDL back down to 25. Jeez louise, I have been eating healthily! It shouldn't be like this, I mean, I'm a vegetarian for eff's sake. Now I'm really going to have to try harder. AGAIN.

Makes you think, though. I wonder if IVF really does do a number on cholesterol levels?

Where did the time go?

Um, hey, you know sometimes how things hit you? I was just mulling over the IVF timing and realized that I'm actually doing an IVF soon! I should start lupron a month yesterday. My coculture biopsy should be a month today. The actual cycle should start in 5 weeks or so. Yikes! How did that creep up on me?

Not that I didn't know. I always knew. I suppose I just pushed it to the back of my mind because I was so ambivalent. But wow. It's soon. And then I'll be done (most probably*) with my own eggs. Done, finito. Apart from the one little frosty I have that probably won't survive the thaw. It's a weird weird feeling.



*reserving of course the right to be completely crazy and change my mind at some point.

The age thing

So, the eagle-eyed among you know that I had a birthday in the last few days. I'd been planning this whole big post about age. How I was so sad to be creeping up on 40 (but not there yet for another year), and yet I don't have a husband or kids to my name, despite trying pretty fucking hard for both. OK, so in the last few years I've been trying harder on the kids thing than for a husband, but it's not as if I've been turning hordes of guys away. I was feeling like a failure, like a foolish idiot for hoping an IVF can possibly work with my "advanced maternal age" eggs, like life was slipping by.

And then my birthday came and went. And all of a sudden I don't feel so bad about my age. I still feel normal, just like I did last week and the week before. In fact, I feel the same way I did several years ago. I don't feel like I'm aging all that fast. I am eating healthily, exercising and generally being a saint in preparation for my last IVF, and so I have good energy levels at the moment. Moments of positivity and hope even creep in every now and then.

But I think more importantly, I have been working on that whole "acceptance" part of infertility. The part where I stare deep in the eyes of reproductive failure, and I actually envisage a life where I don't die because of it. Where I carve out a role for myself in society despite being barren. Oh sure, some days it is hard to imagine ever feeling fulfilled or happy, but I know now that I will be able to do it somehow. Sometimes I like to think that I will be just wistfully sad and distant when people mention their kids, instead of devastated, and sometimes I think I might be able to pull that off. We'll see. I hope that it won't come to pass, of course, but sometimes I think that life really can go on if I stop TTC.

Anyway, instead of moping, I want to raise a glass to all the "seasoned" ladies out there who are still valiantly trying to get knocked up, whether through their own eggs or DE, or get that adoption to work out. Hey, it works out for some people, right, why not us?

Bubblicious

Bleu wins the prize for being right on the bubble. Phew. It was the window leaking. It confused me because it wasn't right underneath the window, and there was no trail of water leading from the window. But the guy said that I should caulk all the windows and that on the bedroom window the outside stucco was not properly done on the sill as it wasn't allowing water to drain off. So he is coming back to grind it down for me. He said he thought water was going inside the wall, pooling on top of the concrete lintel, and then running off and forming this bubble. And he didn't think there was any mold, so that's a big relief. The water in the bubble had evaporated yesterday as it was a nice hot dry day so we are all good.

And I had some air conditioning work done this morning, and OMG, the house actually feels comfortable! It is quiet again! I don't think it is going to wake me up overnight when it turns itself on with a roar like a freight train coming through the house.

So, I'm pretty happy today.

Slip sliding

The bubble is sliding. Down the wall, that is. The weight of the water is pulling it down, and probably doing untold damage. I probably should pop it, but am so afraid of mold that I daren't.

I have a guy coming tomorrow to look at it and hopefully fix it (or tell me how much cash it is going to take to fix). He can't come soon enough, really.

The bubble

My bedroom wall has an aneurysm. Well, so says my aunt, who admittedly has aneurysms on the brain (although literally speaking, we hope she only has one aneurysm on the brain). We had some major rain storms over the weekend, and yesterday afternoon I noticed a 6" diameter bubble on the wall, about 10" underneath the window. So I poked it. And it sloshed. I guess there must be some wallpaper or other paper underneath the layers of paint on the wall, and water is trapped behind the paper, forming a bubble. Or maybe the paint layers themselves are forming the bubble. But sloshing is not so good. Not so good at all.

It is still there this morning, still sloshing. I thought of popping the bubble to let the water out, but then I wasn't sure if that would release lots of toxic mold spores into the room so I left it.

I am really feeling the financial strain of repeated IVFs lately. It wouldn't be so bad day-to-day if I'd have taken all the cash out of my savings, I suppose, but then I wouldn't have any savings left. No, I have tried to scrimp and save as I go along, and I have a medical flex spending account which takes a gargantuan sum out of every paycheck. I have a well paying job, don't let me paint the wrong picture. I am not poor or short of money - I do still have savings that I can tap into. But lately it seems like I lurch from one financial crisis to another. I don't have that nice cushion of cash that I used to do, which can absorb minor household disasters.

So just as I'm gearing up to pay for another cycle, AND my computer at home has died and I wanted to replace it, AND I'm having some work done on my air conditioning system this week, here's another wrench thrown at me. I should take it as a reminder for why I want to stop this nonsense, even if the IVF is not successful. It's giving me cold sweats to think about how much money this bubble is going to cost me. What if they open up the wall and find it riddled with mold? What if they have to rebuild the wall or refit the window and then break the darn thing when they try to take it out? I can't keep going on like this.

OK, deep breath. The house isn't falling down, it will work out in the end.

But, just have to add - OMG, they're rounding the monks up in Burma and sending them to prison. I am so saddened by the world these days, just so saddened.

Autumnal

Ahh, I love autumn. The change of the seasons is something I have really missed since moving to Florida, but I am learning that there is a seasonal change, albeit rather subtle. And thanks to some freaky weather patterns, we actually have a cooling down at the moment, which has nicely coincided with the start of autumn. Now, by cooling down, obviously I'm not talking sweater weather. I mean that we have daytime temperatures in the mid-high 80's instead of the low 90's. I used not to be able to appreciate that difference, or even think it was significant, but once you get attuned to the temperatures, it really does make quite a large difference in quality of life. And overnight temperatures are now routinely in the 70's. It has even - gasp - stayed in the 70's until I get to work. Which is wonderful. It's wonderful to be able to do my morning walk without sweating like a pig. It's wonderful to think of the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness even if we won't get any of that. Even though I know the cooling down will be temporary until the first real cold front comes through, it's still nice to enjoy it while it lasts.

It's also wonderful to think of FOOD. Yes, the local farms are starting up again. Now, you normal-climate northeners may be thinking about harvest and coldness and farms closing down. But here they close down in the summer because it is just too hot and humid to grow vegetables well. So fall is kind of like our spring, and my veggie box from my local CSA farm is NEARLY HERE. Just a couple more weeks. And then a couple weeks after that the local farmers markets start up again. I can hardly wait.

And of course, another, huge reason why I like autumn? It's birthday season! Really, that's a whole other post, as due to infertility my birthdays are now pretty depressing. Especially as starting to TTC was my big 36th birthday present to myself - with all the "hey, I've waited long enough, let's DO this" kind of optimism. And now it's 3 years later and I have been to hell and back. Several times. I'll save that post for next week I think. But on the whole, autumn is still a good season.

Weeping

Lately, I find myself easily moved to tears. I never used to be this way, but infertility has made me more aware of others' suffering, and I guess also brought my own suffering closer to the surface. It can be anything that does it - a movie, TV show, an ad even, something in a book. Often a parent losing a child sets me off the most but it can be anything really. This morning it was the radio news as I was driving to work. Now that definitely has never happened before. Not even on 9/11 as it took me a while to process everything that had happened, and for it to sink in before the tears came.

But today. I am appalled that the Burmese government is attacking the Buddhist monks that are protesting for peace and democracy. Buddhist monks! The very image of peace and loving kindness. I just don't know how the world got into this state. It is bad enough that we are waging an inappropriate war in Iraq, and that thousands of people are dying there. That is a huge rent in the fabric of the world. But I just keep tearing up at the thought of the monks standing up to the government peacefully, praying and sending out loving kindness and then being mown down. It is a terrible, terrible thing.

Please pray for peace in the world.

The gag reflex

So I've been reading this whole foods book that the acu recommended, in order to try to get my diet the healthiest it can possibly be. And one thing that I'm going to try is to have spirulina and chlorella in order to get lots of protein and chlorophyll and other good things. These are both algae, by the way and typically come in powders or tablets. Well, I've taken spirulina before over the years - I've tried the powder mixed into tea, but it doesn't mix terribly well so it's somewhat difficult to take. I had some tablets left over from somewhere - the last IVF maybe or the one before that? So I started taking them. Then I bought some chlorella tablets on Friday and had those on Friday night. All well and good. But the whole foods book recommends either taking them as powders or chewing the tablets first in order that the tablets don't pass through your system undigested. Which is an issue apparently. Or, it said, if you really can't face the idea of chewing the tablets, you can dissolve them in water for an hour before swallowing. Yesterday, therefore, I tried dissolving them in water. I actually left it a couple of hours, and kept mixing and tried crushing with a spoon. But by the time I went to drink it, two spirulina tablets were still stuck to the bottom of the glass. Pretty much undissolved. The others I had managed to swallow with the rest of the water.

No problem, I thought, they just didn't dissolve because they were stuck to the bottom - they didn't mix properly. I'll add more water and keep trying, I thought. I swirled, I mixed, I poked and prodded. Over the day I kept drinking off the water and trying to dissolve the remainder of the tablets. But by late last night the water was bright blue rather than green and the little buggers were still there. I left it overnight to see what would happen. More bright blue water, and partially undissolved tablets. I left these for 24 hours and they still didn't dissolve! Now, of course, this is water, not stomach acid, but still. It didn't bode well for full digestion.

Being the adventurous type, I therefore decided this morning to try chewing the tablets as suggested in the book. Oh my god. It was traumatic to say the least. I started with the spirulina. As I'd had the powdered stuff before I was prepared for the taste. However the texture was like clay. So I dutifully chewed, swilled some water around my mouth and swallowed. And then spent a few minutes picking green sludge from my teeth and swallowing yet more water. And trying not to gag. But I made it. I survived. Then came the chlorella. It was like an explosion of grass flavored mud happened in my mouth. I gagged a bit. Realizing I could never actually chew it, I took a gulp of water to try to swallow it all. I gagged some more. Getting worried now that everything would come spewing out of me in a green colored sludgy fountain, I tried to clear the stuff that was now caking my teeth. I gagged again. And again. And again. It was naaasty. So I rushed to the bathroom, and tried to just rinse my mouth out to get some of the sludge out. I rinsed, and rinsed, and gagged, and gagged. I have no idea how I managed to prevent myself from vomiting but I did. Finally I had some more water, and went and lay on the sofa, panting.

Not exactly the best start to the day. Sometimes I wonder if I ever manage to have a kid if they'll have any idea of the sometimes ridiculous things I did to try to get there. And then wonder if I'll hold it over their heads when they do something bad like my own mother used to do with her own 36-hour labor with me ("we were going to have 3 children until you came along but it was so awful I said never again"). And then just to add icing to the green sludge cake, I did some googling on another subject entirely and realized that the acu probably isn't interested in me at all. So that's put a damper on that little crush. Dagnammit.

Gobble gobble

So, I did end up getting the turkey-containing meal from the diet place. Blech. Luckily I poked around in it and saw the meat before taking a bite so I didn't end up eating any by accident, but still, it's unacceptable. So I did end up cancelling. I have one more week's worth of food that just arrived, and then I am out on my own again. I have managed to lose 6lbs in 4 weeks, so that's not bad for me. I am usually verrrry slooooow at losing weight, and while it would have been nice to lose 10+lbs in 4 weeks, I'll take 6lbs. I'm going to try to keep limiting the portions, but eat more whole foods and fewer processed foods in order to be healthy for the IVF.

Or not.

The "or not" is relating to the IVF, by the way, not the healthy eating part. I'm very ambivalent about the whole IVF thing at the moment. There's a very big part of me that just doesn't want to do another IVF and doesn't want to go through with it. I think, well, OK, I'll be honest, I know, that it's because I keep daydreaming about TTC'ing naturally with the cute acu. Who I was trying not to write about much just in case he ever finds this blog and realizes who I am. But my schoolgirl crush is still going strong! However, I need to find out once and for all if he is single and interested soon, so that I can either stop daydreaming and start concentrating on the IVF again, or I can try to change daydreaming to reality at some point. It's hard though, because I'm so lame at flirting and so shy about just speaking up and saying "hey, do you want to go get a drink together sometime?" It's the sort of thing I need Dutch courage for, and you just can't turn up to an acu appointment sloshed, now, can you?

My aunt is recovering nicely, by the way. I never did thank you for all your kind thoughts, by the way, so thank you. I'm sure all the people that were praying for her and keeping her in their thoughts made a difference, so I'm very grateful for that.

It went fine!

Sorry for being tardy with the update, but the procedure went fine!

What I seriously underestimated was how exhausted I would feel after spending 12 or so hours in the hospital hanging around on Monday, talking to doctors, fielding a gazillion phone calls when my cellphone reception was spotty at best (I guess MRI's and other similar machines interfere somewhat!), driving my aunt's elderly husband home late at night (and pushing him in a wheelchair during the day because the hospital was too big for him to be able to walk around) and trying to somehow get a message to my Grandpa in England without actually being able to call him myself. Oh and get messages to my cousin who's in the backwoods of Montana at the moment. Anyway, everything went well, the doctor said he fixed the aneurysm, the coil is in place and hopefully she will be good for many more years. She spent the first night in the ICU being monitored and getting absolutely no sleep due to the alarms going off, and them coming in every hour to shine a flashlight in her eyes to check her pupils. I sat with her most of Tuesday morning waiting for her to be moved to a regular room, but eventually drove home and crashed into bed in the afternoon. I decided not to try to go into work as I wouldn't have been capable of doing anything anyway. And it turns out that she never did get a room because there weren't any available, so she spent both nights in the ICU. But at least last night they let her close her door, and they silenced the alarms on her monitors so she was able to sleep. She should be going home today, so that'll be good.

And me? Well, just to destress last night I decided to have a glass of wine. Just one. Hah. Of course it turned into me having the whole bottle, as it always seems to do when I am stressed. Which then led to a 5 mile walk at 10pm (don't ask what I was thinking - I have no idea - possibly I thought it would be a good sobering up move). Which led to not very much sleep for me and a hangover this morning. Oh well. I am trying to kid myself that the hangover would have been worse if I hadn't gone for the walk, but really, I could easily have been mugged so I'm not very pleased with myself this morning.

If you can spare some prayers or good thoughts

Please shoot them towards my family on Monday. I'm taking my aunt to the hospital to have surgery on a cerebral aneurysm. Well, not surgery so much as a procedure to put a coil in there to block it off. It's like putting a stent in an artery but more complicated. As far as I understand it, there's a 5% risk that she could have a stroke or die while undergoing the procedure so we're all pretty scared. She means so much to me, and has been a mother to me since my mom died, that I don't know what I'd do without her. So I am very much hoping that we will be on the good side of the statistics. And it's not as if she can really live life as a ticking time bomb waiting for an aneurysm to explode, so I'm glad she's doing it. But still, it's nerve wracking. And it's more nerve wracking for me that I'll be the only family member there for various reasons, so if things do go horribly wrong I'm going to have to step up to the plate and call her husband, father and son to let them know. And then her daughter, who doesn't speak to us at the best of times so getting through will be difficult. God, I do not want to have to tell my Grandpa that he's outlived both his children. I think the shock of it would kill him too. But let's hope not, eh? A 5% risk of bad things means a 95% chance of good things so we will all be focusing on that.

I hope to be back on Tuesday with good news.

Yup

PMS never lies. Last cycle ended up being a 12 day luteal phase (normal for me is 14 or 15), and 25 days overall (normal for me is 29). So that puts me a bit earlier for the IVF and coculture. Maybe.

Drinking coffee

I have noticed that at a certain time of the month, it is impossible for me to resist the siren call of the cappuccino machine at work. Today is one of those days. I have had two already and am about to go back for a third. I do make them decaf, so it's not as bad a full caff but I find if I don't give in to the need for coffee, it quickly degenerates into a full scale chocolate binge. And we definitely don't want that! Not while dieting, at any rate.

Anyway, it's a tad worrying, as it's a bit early for prime PMS time for me, and my temperature has dropped over the last two days (yes, I am lame, I still chart my temperature). So I may be having a short luteal phase and hence a short cycle this month. Not that a wacky cycle after a failed IVF is in any way unusual or necessarily a big deal. A wacky cycle is kind of to be expected, except previously I have had longer cycles after my failed IVFs. But every wacky cycle makes it harder to predict when my next IVF is going to be. I wanted to book the NY hotel as soon as I got CD1, and also book the kitty in to the vets to board her while I'm in NY next time. I don't want to board her, as the last time she was boarded she got incredibly stressed out and developed a urinary tract infection, but I think it is for the best this time. I will be away over Thanksgiving, and my friends who do not enjoy kitty feeding and poop scooping duty at the best of times may rebel at being called upon over Thanksgiving. And besides, last time they broke my $120 automatic kitty litter so it's not as if it is really free care anyway. But of course, Thanksgiving is a crazy busy time at the vets for boarding so I feel I need to book her in early. And she's probably due to have some shots or other, and no doubt a check-up, so I need a lead-in time to get her up to speed on that stuff. But, being me, I'm feeling a bit weirded out by not knowing exactly the dates I will be away so it's stressing me out a tad to have to book and say "it'll probably be these dates, but I may have to change them as we get closer". I know, I know, the vets office don't care why, but I always fret that I am just going to stand there and uncontrollably spill the whole IVF story to some random stranger who doesn't care about it and then I will feel like an idiot.

Oh, and I didn't cancel the diet thing. The customer service people called back extremely apologetic, and thanked me profusely for bringing the gelatin error to their attention. They are changing the meals with the offending gelatin, substituting them out from my plan in the meantime, and giving me a credit. So I am giving them another shot. As for the ground turkey containing meal, that looks to be a packing error. It looks like the person that had that happen received a meal from the regular plan (the Mexican style burrito) rather than the veggie meal (the bean burrito) that was supposed to be included. So that all made me feel better and I am sticking with it for now.

Too good to be true

The diet plan is going to get cancelled. I discovered that two of my meals this week contain gelatin, which is not vegetarian and should not be included in a vegetarian plan. And someone who's already received the next batch of food posted to the support forum that one of the dishes lists ground turkey as an ingredient. Ground turkey. In a vegetarian meal plan. I ask you. Gelatin I can understand sneaking in under the radar, but ground turkey?? So, seeing as only half the meals include ingredient lists, it's obvious that I can no longer trust them and can't continue on the diet. I'll finish up what I have (assuming no more gelatin issues) and as the next shipment is already on its way, I'll eat all the meals that don't list non-vegetarian items. But that's it. I'm now looking for a new diet plan to get me through to the IVF. And I was even being secretly hopeful that I could make my target weight that I set myself as the ideal for the next cycle. Sigh. I wish I could be one of those people that just loses interest in eating every now and then.

Ohmmmmm

Just wanted to post that I had a great yoga class yesterday! It's the third one I've done since being back at yoga (after an absence of a little over a year) and I didn't feel useless, fat and creaky! Of course, it helped that I decided not to try and tough it out through poses without using every block and prop available to me, but also I feel like I'm slowly getting my body back. Like it's slowly learning how to respond and getting a little bit of strength again. Hooray for yoga!

As for diet news, I've lost 3lbs in 2 weeks, which is not great, but I'll take it. I feel like I am eating a lot more protein with this food plan so hopefully that will help with egg production too. So I'll stay on the diet up to the next IVF, I think.

That's it. Just happy that things are going well on that score. Of course, things were going well before the last IVF, up to the whole hepatitis C scare and monster cyst turned my life chaotic again. So hopefully there will be no setbacks this time and I can stay on an even keel. Hopefully.

The pain Olympics

If you hang around TTC boards for a while, particularly if you end up dealing with infertility, you come to know all about the pain Olympics. You know, the "my pain is bigger than your pain" kind of argument that can quickly degenerate into hurt feelings all around. The contest where we get offended at people who TTC'd for 5 months saying "finally". The prize fight where the primary infertility sufferers face off against the secondary infertility sufferers in the "who has it worst" sweepstakes. I have taken part in it myself, though largely consider myself past all that now. I think I may have moved into that weird and mythical place called "acceptance". My path in this is shit. It is what it is. Your path is also shit. Who wants to debate different degrees of shitness when having a stinking pile of green pigeon shit dripping down your forehead is not pleasant at any time?

Anyway, outside of my ovaries (what? Is there anything outside of my ovaries??) I sometimes hang around on other chat boards. And I'm finding that on some types of boards there are other pain Olympics. Immigration boards are particularly making me laugh right now. Now sure, immigration is shit, particularly post 9/11. I feel particularly shat on because I was in the US pre-9/11 but my employers pulled a fast one and didn't apply for my green card until several years later. I didn't know at the time this was going to be very very bad for me. I do now. I could be off doing interesting things by now if I'd have known and pushed for action years ago. As I said, my path in this is shit. It is what it is. I find that acceptance of the TTC shit has moved me to acceptance of a whole lot of other shit in my life so I'm not going to sit around and whine. But the similarity with TTC boards is frighteningly funny sometimes. There are a whole host of abbreviations - EAD, AOS, GC, DOL, LUD that you need to know to be in with the in-crowd. There are the excited newbies, there are the anxious types who get freaked out by every little thing, there are the laid back bitter veterans and there are the pain queens (though I should call them kings as I guess most of them are guys). The ones that post when someone says "finally got my GC after 542 days!" and say "try 2278 days before you say finally".

OK, so I'm easily amused. I probably shouldn't laugh. But you know, fellow infertiles, we are not alone. The pain Olympics go on all over the place. We all squabble and bicker and think we have it worse than others. And that makes me feel less alone, somehow. Less like I am an outlier in an otherwise healthy population but rather that we all have our own shit to deal with and we all compare and get jealous when things don't go our way. You know, like we're all just human.

It's a posting bonanza!

Here's (part of) my horoscope for the month. Yay, thanks Sue!

By the time you get to month's end, a close romantic or business relationship will take center stage. A bright and brilliant full moon in Aries will appear on September 26, operative plus or minus four days. This full moon should bring a stunning development in regard to a partner. You may get engaged, married, or make a major commitment to a business partner. This full moon is about closure, so if you have nagging doubts about the union, you may break free. If so, you will feel better for having the courage to speak up. All sorts of important developments involving partnership and collaborations are due, for this full moon will urge you to make up your mind about this person and your future.

This full moon September 26 looks very positive, so I doubt you'll have an upsetting episode. I need to mention the possibility of a breakup because I can't see everything in your chart, dear Libra, but I certainly don't think it's likely. I say that because at this full moon September 26, Jupiter will be standing by to give you the words you need to communicate with loving kindness, and you should be happy with the results. You will feel events of this full moon strongest if you were born on or within five days of September 26.

Romantically, this month Saturn moves out of your eleventh house of friends, fun, and new contacts. This will instantly enliven your social life and bring back the fun you used to have with friends. If you moved to a place where you don't know anyone, you probably found it initially hard to fit in and make friends. All that should change now. Even if you didn't move, over the past two years, you probably found that you, or your friends, were too preoccupied to find the time to get together. Life may have been lackluster, but no more. All that will change now that Saturn is out of fun-loving Leo, a bit of an astrological oxymoron. (Leo loves to play, but Saturn wants to see you work - and Saturn always wins these disputes). If you were involved with a club or charity effort, you may have been frustrated by the petty politics of the organization, making your job harder. All that is over! Saturn won't be back until 2034 and you won't miss Saturn once he's gone! Meanwhile, Venus, as said earlier, will awaken from being in dull retrograde motion and you should soon enjoy the change. Venus is now in the perfect-for-Libra sign of Leo, moving through your eleventh house of friendship without Saturn nearby to act like a killjoy. For the first time in a long time, you're looking at a lively social picture.

Dear Libra, you've not had an encouraging romantic picture for a long time, but as you see, all that is changing now, at long last!

I've got straight hair

Well, I had straight hair at the weekend. I don't have straight hair any more because I could never achieve anything remotely good on my own. And those of you that have met me in person know that my hair is normally, umm, well, putting it politely you'd say curly but in reality it's messy. But anyway, I have that song going around my head from the radio ads for a certain chain hair place, you know, you've got bad hair. 'Xcept my hair was lovely. Sigh. If only a certain hair stylist would just come to my house every morning and blow dry it straight for me. Hint, hint.

Decision done

OK, that's it, enough wallowing and mooning over trying to make decisions. I will do the IVF in November/December. I had a good talk about it with my aunt, and that is what I'll do. Yes, I will probably miss Thanksgiving because I'll be away in NY but that is OK if that's how it has to be. I will put off doing the coculture until the last minute as well. I was just really paralyzed trying to figure out how to pull everything off in October, and waiting until December and hence missing Christmas was not really an option either. Nor was waiting until 2008. So, November/December it is.

And in the meantime I will try to work hard at my job like a good girl, I will try to lose weight, and I'll try and snare me an acu man.