More telling bone

Yet more telephone time. I got a call from the pharmacy yesterday that my insurance had expired. When it is brand, spanking new insurance, actually. It should not have expired. However, when I reached into my capacious work/schlepping shit around handbag to grab my wallet so I could find the insurance card and call to complain I realized that my wallet was still sitting on the table at home in the teeny handbag I use for all non-work/schlepping shit around situations. Great.

So I called this morning, after reuniting myself with my wallet, and was told that the insurance wasn't expired, but the pharmacy probably called the wrong B.lue S.hield and they need to call a different number. Except I gave the pharmacy the damn number on the back of the card so I'm not quite sure what is going on. But now I know, eh? Pharmacies don't get to use the "provider inquiry" number, but a separate prescription checking number. That is NOT on the back of the card. Riiight. It all adds yet more to my already huge love of insurance companies. Not that they're going to cover the fertility medication, but they might cover an antibiotic or two later in the cycle. And they damn well better cover the large quantity of valium that I'm going to demand.

Effing insurance companies.

Oh, wait, the pharmacy just called back. They allegedly do cover the medication I am ordering! Except my "co-pay" is more expensive than paying the regular price that the discount pharmacy offers. Excellent. How nice of them - pretend to cover certain medications but actually charge more for them!

Anyhoo, I spent some time checking out fun things to do in NY while I am there, and I have signed myself up for a facial on Tuesday. I had a facial on my last coculture trip, so I have decided that it is my "tradition" and I'm sticking with it. Except this time I am going to an organic spa so there will be no nasty chemicals near my skin. And no, I really can't afford to be wasting money on a facial, but if I'm going to be raiding my savings for a large wodge of cash, I may as well build in a few extras so I can have a hope of relaxing a little bit, no?

On the telling bone

I spent all day on the phone yesterday. Well, that's what it felt like at least. I'm sure my boss was wondering what was going on, as my cellphone rarely makes a peep during the day and here it was going off every few minutes. And everyone who knows me knows how cheap I am with my cellphone minutes so it's quite a strange occurence.

So, I have to hold my horses on the lupron (whoa there, Dobbin). Although the scheduler and the IVF nurse on duty said to start it on Saturday, my own special IVF nurse said I can only do the coculture biopsy after having been on it for two days, so she wants me to start on Sunday instead. No biggie, but I wish they'd get their stories straight. You'd think that they'd all know all of these rules! But anyway, the coculture appointment is nailed down for Tuesday morning, and I booked my flights. My meds order is under way. The pharmacy, in a ridiculous bout of optimism, insisted on checking with my new health insurance company to see if anything was covered. Ummm, yeah. My company switched carriers in order to save money. I'm pretty darn sure they won't have just added an infertility benefit for shits and giggles.

Sadly, the acu that cutie acu recommended for me in NY is going to be out of town for T-giving week, so that's that plan out of the window. He recommended me someone else, but I have to google her before I call. What, me? Call someone out of the blue based on a recommendation? Never!

I think the only thing I still need to do is figure out the whole "day 3 start" that the nurse was muttering about. Apparently last time I did a "day 2" start, and while it might seem obvious that it's the day for starting stims that we're talking about, I'm not sure if it means I should get the u/s on day 2 or day 3. I guess another phone call is in order, as everything seems completely chaotic and left up to the patient when you're doing an "out of town" cycle start as I am. More telephone time, sigh.

Is six my lucky number?

Holy crap, I'm starting lupron next Saturday! I'm actually doing another IVF cycle. When did this creep up on me all of a sudden?

I decided that Saturday was the day for the surge. The subsequent OPKs were definitely lighter, and going by my CM and today's pathetic temperature rise I'm going to hope that I am correct. I'd have preferred a nice, clear, unambiguous temperature rise, but nooo, my body does not cooperate like that. But what the heck. Let's just hope for the best and say I've ovulated.

I can't actually believe it has come to a sixth IVF cycle. Who'd have thought it? Who can possibly have hope that it will work this time when it didn't previously? Oh wait, I said that hope wasn't necessary. But still, one has to hope going into a cycle, otherwise we wouldn't do it. I'm back to panicking slightly because of the whole "this is the last try with my own eggs" thing. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?

OK, let's not panic. Let's just casually go down the road of going through the motions, and get on with it.

Ambiguousity

I think I am queen of the ambiguous ovulation tests. I missed a couple of IUI's back in the day because I didn't get a clear positive test, and then popped the egg too quickly.

Yesterday, I may have had a +OPK. Or not. I ended up not peeing for 6 hours during the day, due to a combination of not drinking enough water and taking a really long afternoon nap. So I think my pee was pretty darn concentrated, maybe too concentrated so it gave me a false positive. Who knows. And then it wasn't clearly positive when I first did it, but darkened up a lot as it dried. And it was one of those with a super thin dark line and the rest of it not quite as dark, so it's hard to read. But the ones since then have been getting lighter so even though it wasn't an ideal positive, it may have been the one. I will do another one this afternoon to see what's what, and see if my temperature goes up in the morning (note to self: must not booze too much tonight and create a false temperature rise). I did a test this morning after holding pee for 3 hours, but it was pretty feeble so I am ignoring it. Thankfully it is the weekend, so I can put off calling the scheduler until Monday, when hopefully the situation will be clearer. Or not. Maybe I'll just wing it.

Omelet!

So, back to my own private vagina monologue.

Lots of lovely goopy EWCM yesterday, and an OPK that was darkening up. So I am feeling pretty confident about a nice early surge, and will (hopefully) be vindicated about my choice of Nov. 6th for the coculture biopsy as opposed to Nov. 8th.

Then I really must get on with sorting the meds out, and making sure they really do have me on the schedule. I saw yesterday that there's a long waiting list for November/December cycles, so if I'm not on the schedule I'll be pretty pissed.

Bad

Damn it, I am heartbroken for our Cali.

Hope be damned

I had (yet another) realization about this IVF yesterday. As I was expounding to Cali about how nothing is as important about getting knocked up, it kind of hit me in the face. Nothing is as important as getting knocked up! You may not think that was exactly a blinding realization, but it was actually helpful. Because the fact that I am struggling with hope does not matter. It does not matter if I have hope or not. What matters is flying to NY and going through the IVF so that I have a chance of getting knocked up. The end is what is important, not the means, and definitely not how I feel about the means. The truth is, I have to do this IVF. Hope be damned. Hope may come back later, but for now, going through the motions is much more important.

So that makes me feel, bizarrely, happier. I can just go through the motions. Or, in other words, fake it till I make it.

In other news, I had a tiny bit of EWCM yesterday, on cycle day 8. So I think that I may just surge early because my body probably doesn't realize that it hung on with a 16 day luteal phase and probably thinks that I had a shorter luteal phase. I bet it started cooking my eggs early, like it likes to do. So I'm hoping for a surge at the weekend (maybe). But, whatever. Whenever. As long as it comes.

Cash needed!

If you can spare some cash, please go on over and see Cali (if you haven't already). She was doing a shared IVF where she was supposed to donate half her eggs in return for most of the fees being paid for her. But due to a stupid lab test giving her a positive (false we hope) hep C result, she's now no longer eligible to donate. So has to come up with the cash for an IVF cycle in, like, 2 days. Which she can't do without help. She has a "donate for IVF" button if you can spare anything.

We are weird fertility twins, it seems, as of course I also had a false positive hep C result, which got me cancelled from an IVF. I hadn't started stimming at that point, though, nor had I already travelled to the out-of-state clinic. And would have been cancelled anyway because of a cyst. And can come up with the cash myself. OK, so we're not twins, as the situations are completely different, apart from the bizarre hep C nonsense, but we've been on this fertility rollercoaster together since 2005 and I just want her to finally get knocked up already.

Sunday mish mash

I've mellowed out a bit, although still struggling with the hope issue. I'm still quite sad in general, and partially because I'm doing this alone. Most of the time I am OK about being single through this, but sometimes it really saddens me. I had such (brief) high hopes about cute acu for a while there, and I find it quite pathetic that there are so few men that I meet that are even remotely interesting to me. Then again, I'm not going to force myself to try to be interested in most of the guys that are out there - I watched Knocked Up yesterday, and have to say that I vastly prefer doing this on my own to lumping my future in with any old random dipshit that passes my way.

But anyway, I had the shortest period evah. It came and went in 4 days, two of which were really just spotting. Doesn't bode well for anything in particular, but I keep trying to tell myself that I've got another whole cycle to get myself in balance. And I'm mostly eating like a saint, so I think that will help. OK, I did have two cocktails on Friday night, but that was the first time I'd had any booze in weeks. I should have stuck to one cocktail, like pretty much everyone else I was with, but hey. Call me a booze hound if you want. However, two cocktails used to be pretty much an alcoholic appetizer just to wet my whistle, so things are vastly different from how they used to be. That I can now manage to stop at two cocktails should be a cause for celebration, really.

And just in case anyone misinterprets my posts on how my pain is less than it used to be, or whatever, and thinks I'm this terribly unhealthy invalid, thus believing that my infertility is due to me being near death's door, I want to state that I am very healthy, actually. That's one reason that infertility has been so shocking to me. My current health complaints are: shoulder/neck tension and pain, light and not very red periods, a tendency to loose stools/diarrhea, I'm 15lbs overweight, and uh, the pores in my nose are a bit clogged and I'll get an occasional zit. Really, I can't think of much more than that. My knees hurt if I do too much jogging. My left psoas muscle is tight from an old injury (or is it my iliacus?). If I eat too much dairy, I get an arthritic-y feeling in my knuckles. I crack my spine and neck too much when I'm twisting. And I like to go to bed at 10 most nights so I'm not too tired. Sometimes I get pretty irritated with PMS but it usually passes within a day. I mean, that's it. I never get indigestion, headaches, sinus problems, constipation and whatever else we're supposed to get as we age. I hardly ever get colds or flu or things that go around the office. I eat well, I exercise regularly. I would say I'm as healthy as a horse. I mean, true, I used to have more complaints. I used to have more digestion issues, I used to have mild fibromyalgia pain. I used to get migraines. I used to have low energy/fatigue. I used to have TMJ problems. I used to drink more. I used to eat more bad foods. But I have worked diligently to fix those issues, and for the most part have succeeded. So when I post about being bad such as having two cocktails, or having pain, those things are very mild in the grand scheme of things. I am just clutching at straws trying to find something that is a difference, that can cause me to can say "aha! Finally I am healed".

But, what keeps going around in my head, is if I'm so healthy, why, then, why am I going through infertility? Why isn't everything working perfectly?

And I hate that there are no answers. I feel like I'm the naysayer on some of these chat boards. Hey, yeah, I tried pineapple and it didn't help me! Oh, yeah, I tried soy isoflavones, I tried DHEA, I tried L-arginine, I tried robitussin, I tried wheatgrass. I tried all the remedies that are out there. People don't like it when I post that just because someone tried something and got pregnant the next cycle, doesn't mean that the pineapple or trick du jour really was the cause. It could have been random chance. I so wish I was naive enough again to believe that I could really do one thing and have it be the answer. Because you know that I would do that thing in spades. I have done so much, changed so much, given up so much, in this search for a baby. I'm almost willing to do anything - the only thing I won't do is eat meat.

So why not me? And why can't I have hope?

Moody

I don't know what is up with me lately, I seem to swing wildly between moods. I was doing just fine yesterday until I went to acupuncture. And cutie acu was telling me about one of his fertility patients who had been in an hour before - she is now very pregnant apparently, and doing well. He likes telling me about the successes. Which is very nice and all, but it doesn't give me hope any more so it just makes me sad that I may never join them. And then we were talking about me starting the lupron this cycle, so he was saying how it's been shown that acupuncture really helps the response versus doing it without acupuncture and we'll hope for lots of fat, juicy eggs. Ummm, yeah, again, all very lovely, but I've been doing acupuncture for every single one of my IVFs. Just how do I hang on to hope that this time I will get the magic response? So I get sad that even his illustrations of how I should have hope actually make me sad.

And then of course on the other hand, I do realize that I am doing better this time. I can definitely tell that I have changes in my energy levels and in day-to-day pain levels. My digestion is improving more. It is all good. I suppose I am feeling a bit down because of the period not being as I had hoped. You know, I was hoping it would be a perfect turnaround, a perfect flow, as Randine Lewis loves to tout in her book, of the "her cycle balanced within weeks, and she was pregnant the following cycle" success stories ilk.

It is just so so hard to hang on to hope. Obviously I have hope, because I am going forward with the cycle. But it is a tenuous hope. A feeble hope that flickers like a candle flame in a breeze. I try to focus on what I am doing differently, and twice-weekly acupuncture is one of the differences. Previously I did once-weekly acupuncture. Will it be enough, though? Will I actually get the golden egg, or am I just doomed to failure because I am using donor sperm and therefore not trying every month. Did I pop the golden egg last month and waste it because there was no sperm there to meet it? Was that my last chance and I blew it?

I think the pressure has ratcheted up because of my self-imposed "this is the last cycle" stuff. I am so paralyzed with fear that it won't work and I won't have another cycle to try again. I just can't face the thought of giving up on my family's genetics. But I have to stop at some point. It is just not healthy or realistic to keep going indefinitely. Not to mention the fact that I can't afford to keep going indefinitely. And yet, I just really don't feel ready to say that this is where my grandparents stop. Where my parents stop. That their genes don't get to travel forward into the future, into this grand experiment that is humanity. That they become a stunted branch of the family tree that will wither into nothing. I think in many ways, this would be a lot easier if I had other family members that were procreating. But we are a small family, and have too many people that are not having kids for various reasons. Between me, my brother and my 4 cousins we have produced one kid. And that may be it, because even the fertile one may not have any more due to some quite nasty birth complications. I feel this crushing pressure to try everything I possibly can, but it is just stifling at times. Like now. It is hard to breathe.

-10

Feeling pretty happy today! I am now 10 lbs down from my highest post-IVF weight. Yay me! Next mini-goal is to be 10lbs below my last ER weight, and then my big goal is to be under a BMI of 27 before the next cycle. Which I might have a chance of making if I do well over the next month.

I was hoping to have a post about how my period is all lovely and red and normal like it was when I was a teenager. And sadly, I can't say that. But it might be a bit less clotty and a bit more red, so that's something I guess. However, I'm not going to dwell on bad things, only on good things. And after all, I do have another month before I start stims, so there's more time for my body to become better balanced.

Doing the (mini) freak out

So, I called the scheduler yesterday, as I mentioned. And she left me a voicemail when I was on the phone. Darn, if that isn't always the way. I can be sitting waiting for that phone to ring for hours hoping she'll call, and then the second I have to actually do some work, she calls. Damn work, getting in the way of my life yet again.

She moved my pencilled-in appointment for the coculture biopsy to the 8th. When I'd already booked the hotel and the time off work for the 6th. So I started having a freak out, and imagining not being able to change my hotel reservation, or worse, changing it, and then surging early and having to change it back again to the 6th. And not being able to because of the hotel being booked solid for a conference or something. And then there's the little matter of a team mate of mine who has booked the 9th off, and asked for the 8th as well if possible. So it'd be hard for me to be off on the 8th as well. And I'd have to travel crazy late after work on the 6th to be able to get there in time for the morning blood work that is necessary the day before the biopsy.

I don't know why I freak so much. It is all changeable. I haven't booked my flight yet because the date is not definite until I actually get my LH surge. If the hotel is booked up, there are plenty of other hotels in the city, they'll just be more expensive. Work will sort itself out. I know all this logically, and yet there's this "ohmygodthingsaregoingwrong" part of my brain that just panics.

Having calmed down, I called her back this morning. And she changed it for me, and put a note on the computer that it might still have to be the 8th, but they'll try to fit me in on the 6th. No fuss, no bother, just a teeny note of annoyance in her voice, but hey, she's a busy lady. So I freaked for nothing. As usual.

But now, I am praying for a nice, early surge, so I don't have to call her back shamefaced and ask her to change it back to the 8th.

Oh, and in case it isn't clear what the plan is for this cycle, it is:

1) monitor for LH surge;
2) have coculture biopsy between 5 and 12 days after the LH surge; and
3) start lupron at 7 days after the LH surge.

So I could start lupron before or after the biopsy, but that doesn't affect things, apparently. And no birth control pills, which is nice. Then I will start stims after my next period. And hopefully stop this crazy IVF nonsense once and for all by finally getting knocked up. Hahaha, don't all laugh at once at my ridiculous hope there.

Finally!

Cycle day 1 is here. Thank the lawd. I was about to kill someone.

The lovely acu did lots of "moving" points yesterday to get things going, although I think it was already on the way, as I had some spotting yesterday evening right before going to acu. But then again, I had spotting on Thursday and Saturday too, and nothing came of it. Acu boy said that my pulse Thursday and yesterday was confused, and it seemed like my body kept gearing itself up to have a period and then backing down again as if it couldn't quite get its act together. Repeatedly. It was all very tiring. I haven't had such ongoing cramping in, well, forever.

But it finally figured it out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see red as I was today.

So, I called the IVF scheduler this morning, and left a message about cycle day 1. I think I can still make the scheduled coculture appointment, provided I don't ovulate really late, so it might still work out. I keep forgetting that it has to be done a certain number of days after the LH surge, not after ovulation. So that gives me an extra day or two to play with.

But, happy as I am, I gotta say (in a petulant and whiny voice), can the cramping please stop now? Pretty please?

Ohferfuckssake

Nothing. No period. Now working on three days of cramps, backaches and poor sleep. And literally, every darn second, it feels like my period is starting. I have been running to the bathroom to check so often, it is ridiculous. If I wasn't irritable before, that's definitely enough to send me over the edge.

Sigh.

16DPO and counting. Why oh why can't my body be consistent? Last cycle I had a 12 day luteal phase. Not that that was good, but why couldn't it go back to 14 days instead of 16? Eff eff even took away my cover lines and told me I didn't ovulate when I entered this morning's temperature. Nasty mean computer! I changed the calculation method and it put them back, but still, it's enough to get a girl jittery.

I'm sick of this. And remember on Thursday how I was all worried my period would start early and mess my timing up? Har har on me. Now I'm going to mess my timing up the other way. I mean, for the actual IVF it won't matter, and in fact, a few days later is better. But the coculture would be so much better done on the day I am pencilled in and not on the following Thursday. I don't even know if I can get a spot on the Thursday, or if it is all booked up. I cannot, absolutely cannot contemplate missing the coculture this month, because that would mean bumping the IVF to December. And I'm pretty sure Big Clinic is closed when I would need to be cycling, so essentially I would get bumped to January. Urgh.

Sunday, bloody Sunday?

So, I spoke too soon on me being all "healed" and better. My neck and shoulder pain is back with a vengeance, I am crampy and my lower back hurts. I'm going to blame this all on my impending period, and hope that I am back to feeling fabulous next week. But Jeez, just hurry up and get here already! I'm tired of the PMS-ing. It should be here today, I had spotting on Thursday and Saturday, and now I guess it's all sealed itself up tight just to play tricks with me. Well, maybe it'll make an appearance later today if I'm lucky.

Then I need to call the coculture scheduler to tell her about my "day 1", and then call the IVF nurse to go over the meds list and get the prescription sent to the pharmacy. There are a couple of items I want her to check with Dr. S. because he was rather vague when I last spoke to him ("um, yes, we could put you on estrogen in the luteal phase"). I think I know where "could" is going to end up if I don't push for more information, as it'll end up with "well, Dr. S. would have to prescribe it for you if he wanted you to be on it, and he didn't, so..." End of discussion. Whereas if the nurse checks it now and gets it written on my chart, I am good to go. See, I am learning how Big Clinic works!

I went out shopping today for a few items of clothing that I can wear to NY. I find it so hard, though, to buy sweaters and think of cold weather things when it is in the mid-80's. But November in NY is not the same as November in Florida, and hardly any of my cold weather clothes fit me, or are appropriate fashion-wise as they were purchased 10 or so years ago. But I got a sweater and a pair of sweat pants, so I think I at least have enough for the coculture trip. Maybe not for the IVF trip itself, but there's time to do more shopping between now and then. Any pointers for late November stuff? How cold is it really going to be?

P.S. retested my cholesterol and it was 212, with HDL at 27. Not great, but better than last week at least. I will just have to keep being good and hope it dips below 200 again soon, with that HDL hopefully coming back up too.

Pulsating

No more spotting since yesterday morning. I don't know why I always freak out about timing whenever something doesn't go according to plan, no matter how slightly. It will all be OK, whatever happens. I can reschedule the hotel and the cat boarding and my vacation from work. I won't book the flight until the timing is more certain, and that's really the only thing that would cost money to change. So I need to stop stressing. But, you know.

Anyhoo, I stumped cutie acu yesterday. He was spending forever taking my pulse, and frowning. So I said that it worried me when he frowned, and asked what was up with the old pulse, you know, was I still alive, that sort of thing. He said he was having a hard time figuring it out, and maybe it was confused because it was the end of my cycle. So, he messed around a bit more, stuck the needles in and left. And then came back in not a minute later, grabbed my wrists again and said all excitedly "I figured it out! Your pulse is just so much stronger than normal it totally threw me off!" And then after my treatment was over, he came back in and again said it was a great pulse. Yay me and my pulse!

Oh, and I heart Stephanie. She knows why. ;) I'll tell the rest of you when the deal is done.

Uh oh

Spotting this morning. It's only 12DPO, which is not good. My luteal phase should be 14 days - at least, that's what it was before I started messing with fertility treatments, and that's what it normally settles back down to after a while. But earlier in the year I had a few cycles with a luteal phase of 13 days. No biggie. And then last month, I had a 12 day luteal phase. Well, surely, I thought, that is because it is the first cycle after a failed IVF. It will be back to "normal" next cycle. But I guess not. And I feel blah and crampy, and like my period is coming, so it could even be an 11 day luteal phase.

Bah humbug. It'll mess up the timing for the IVF trip, AND a luteal phase of less than 12 days is supposed to indicate a problem. Gah. Why is it never easy?

ETA: Nothing else since this morning, so I'm going to hope that that was just a random fluke and that my period will come on time after all. Or at least just a day early - that I can deal with.

Kitty vacation!

Hey, I'm working through my pre-IVF to do list. And the cat is now booked in for boarding while I'll be in NY! Phew! I was getting stressed about it, because it's over Thanksgiving and I was worried they'd be full. And we haven't been to the vet for a year so I didn't know if she'd need to go in for a check-up or vaccinations beforehand, but she doesn't! Double phew! I just need to take her vaccination history with me when I drop her off and give them permission to do any that she needs.

AND it isn't too expensive. Triple phew!

Of course, I'll have to pay dearly in terms of dealing with a grouchy cat when I get back, but oh well. She'd be groucy if I left her at home too, and at least this way I don't have to worry about my friends not wanting to feed her over Thanksgiving.

Too much green

OK, so there are some times when you can ingest too much spirulina, it seems. I've been ramping up my dosage gradually, to get up to the dosage recommended in the book I am following. Well, I had a bit of diarrhea yesterday evening, and, um, it was green! Hehehe. So maybe I'll go back down a bit on the dosage, eh?

Great Scott! I have a great pulse!

I have a great pulse! Whoop!

As some of you know, I have been going to acupuncture for 2 and a half long years. Long, long years. I am currently on my 4th acupuncturist. Not that I'm an acupuncture whore, I hasten to add. But I really believe that it can help, and have really tried hard to keep going and keep the faith. It was hard to see other women say that their cycles turned around in 2 months, or for them to get immediate improvement across the board while I wallowed. I mean, I was getting improvements in various things. Slowly but surely my digestion improved, I had more energy, I had less pain and PMS. But it was such slow progress, and with each acupuncturist I reached a point where I had stalled - they weren't trying new points, just their old favorites, and we were getting nowhere. So that was the point that I usually switched.

With each one, I have asked what I can do about diet, what I should be eating to help myself heal. While explaining to each one that I have no intention whatsoever of stopping being a vegetarian. And every single one of them told me I should be eating meat, and didn't offer any additional help beyond that. Which was pretty damn frustrating, I have to tell you. Except for current cutie acu, who in addition to recommending that I eat meat, also recommended this book. It's like a lightbulb went off once I read the book, and I just really feel like I understand what I need to do to heal myself. I can't recommend this book enough. Although it is a monster tome, I am already re-reading it because it is just so chock full of useful information.

Part of this healing process has been to ingest a lot of Spirulina and Chlorella [because I am a deficient person according to TCM, they wouldn't necessarily be right for everyone]. This got off to a very bad start because I was trying to chew the stuff which is naasty but I persevered, just swallowing the tablets. And eating healthily.

And in the last week or so, it has really come together. I feel like I have a ton of energy, the constant pain in my neck and shoulders where I hold all my tension has gone down so much it's amazing. I feel like a new woman! OK, so the cholesterol is still bad, but hopefully that will come down with continued healthy eating.

It hasn't all been me, I hasten to add. Cutie acu works differently than the previous people, in that he really pays attention to pulses, and works on a few points using needles (or something else pointy, I can't quite tell) but not inserting them, goes back and retakes my pulse, works on a couple more and retakes my pulse again, and only then puts in the needles and leaves me. And then when he comes back in after 20 minutes or so, he retakes my pulse again. I feel like he's really figuring out what this is actually doing to my body, and adjusting accordingly, rather than just sticking needles in his favorite points.

And he's not a fertility specialist. I read all the time on the bulletin boards how women are supposed to go to fertility specialists when TTC. And I went to two of them, and all I got were stock treatments, I feel. I'm doing so much better with someone that actually just listens to my body. So, all the "you must go to a fertility specialist" stuff is bullshit, in my opinion.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to say that, not only am I feeling great, last night when he checked my pulse after a treatment, he said "wow, what a great pulse!". I was so proud. Hehe. Nobody has ever been impressed with my pulse before!

Good gravy

So, remember after the whole "you have hepatitis C and a monster cyst on your ovary" scare, I went to the doc who pronounced that my cholesterol was rather shockingly high (with my HDL cholesterol being rather shockingly low)? No? Well, I do. So there. Anyway, as the doc knew that I was trying to get pregnant he said we wouldn't try statins straight off but see how I did with diet and exercise.

So I dieted and I exercised. Like a maniac. Not so much a weight loss diet, but a cholesterol lowering diet. And I managed to drop 60 points in 6 weeks by basically going vegan. I thankyouverymuch. I am the star, I thought. The cholesterol-lowering queen. I bought a home cholesterol meter, and managed to get it down further to a fairly respectable 192 with further dieting and exercise. OK, so the HDL didn't come up spectacularly, but it came up, that's the main thing. I didn't bother going back to the doc, because I figured I'd just keep buying the home testing strips which were cheaper than a doctor's visit. Except I didn't keep buying them. Instead I went off and did an IVF. And I thought that maybe the IVF meds had been what had caused the cholesterol spike in the first place, so I'd wait a few weeks before testing again. And a few weeks stretched somewhat. And I never tested again.

I finally went and bought some test strips today. Dagnammit, if the total cholesterol isn't back up to 236 and the HDL back down to 25. Jeez louise, I have been eating healthily! It shouldn't be like this, I mean, I'm a vegetarian for eff's sake. Now I'm really going to have to try harder. AGAIN.

Makes you think, though. I wonder if IVF really does do a number on cholesterol levels?

Where did the time go?

Um, hey, you know sometimes how things hit you? I was just mulling over the IVF timing and realized that I'm actually doing an IVF soon! I should start lupron a month yesterday. My coculture biopsy should be a month today. The actual cycle should start in 5 weeks or so. Yikes! How did that creep up on me?

Not that I didn't know. I always knew. I suppose I just pushed it to the back of my mind because I was so ambivalent. But wow. It's soon. And then I'll be done (most probably*) with my own eggs. Done, finito. Apart from the one little frosty I have that probably won't survive the thaw. It's a weird weird feeling.



*reserving of course the right to be completely crazy and change my mind at some point.

The age thing

So, the eagle-eyed among you know that I had a birthday in the last few days. I'd been planning this whole big post about age. How I was so sad to be creeping up on 40 (but not there yet for another year), and yet I don't have a husband or kids to my name, despite trying pretty fucking hard for both. OK, so in the last few years I've been trying harder on the kids thing than for a husband, but it's not as if I've been turning hordes of guys away. I was feeling like a failure, like a foolish idiot for hoping an IVF can possibly work with my "advanced maternal age" eggs, like life was slipping by.

And then my birthday came and went. And all of a sudden I don't feel so bad about my age. I still feel normal, just like I did last week and the week before. In fact, I feel the same way I did several years ago. I don't feel like I'm aging all that fast. I am eating healthily, exercising and generally being a saint in preparation for my last IVF, and so I have good energy levels at the moment. Moments of positivity and hope even creep in every now and then.

But I think more importantly, I have been working on that whole "acceptance" part of infertility. The part where I stare deep in the eyes of reproductive failure, and I actually envisage a life where I don't die because of it. Where I carve out a role for myself in society despite being barren. Oh sure, some days it is hard to imagine ever feeling fulfilled or happy, but I know now that I will be able to do it somehow. Sometimes I like to think that I will be just wistfully sad and distant when people mention their kids, instead of devastated, and sometimes I think I might be able to pull that off. We'll see. I hope that it won't come to pass, of course, but sometimes I think that life really can go on if I stop TTC.

Anyway, instead of moping, I want to raise a glass to all the "seasoned" ladies out there who are still valiantly trying to get knocked up, whether through their own eggs or DE, or get that adoption to work out. Hey, it works out for some people, right, why not us?

Bubblicious

Bleu wins the prize for being right on the bubble. Phew. It was the window leaking. It confused me because it wasn't right underneath the window, and there was no trail of water leading from the window. But the guy said that I should caulk all the windows and that on the bedroom window the outside stucco was not properly done on the sill as it wasn't allowing water to drain off. So he is coming back to grind it down for me. He said he thought water was going inside the wall, pooling on top of the concrete lintel, and then running off and forming this bubble. And he didn't think there was any mold, so that's a big relief. The water in the bubble had evaporated yesterday as it was a nice hot dry day so we are all good.

And I had some air conditioning work done this morning, and OMG, the house actually feels comfortable! It is quiet again! I don't think it is going to wake me up overnight when it turns itself on with a roar like a freight train coming through the house.

So, I'm pretty happy today.

Slip sliding

The bubble is sliding. Down the wall, that is. The weight of the water is pulling it down, and probably doing untold damage. I probably should pop it, but am so afraid of mold that I daren't.

I have a guy coming tomorrow to look at it and hopefully fix it (or tell me how much cash it is going to take to fix). He can't come soon enough, really.

The bubble

My bedroom wall has an aneurysm. Well, so says my aunt, who admittedly has aneurysms on the brain (although literally speaking, we hope she only has one aneurysm on the brain). We had some major rain storms over the weekend, and yesterday afternoon I noticed a 6" diameter bubble on the wall, about 10" underneath the window. So I poked it. And it sloshed. I guess there must be some wallpaper or other paper underneath the layers of paint on the wall, and water is trapped behind the paper, forming a bubble. Or maybe the paint layers themselves are forming the bubble. But sloshing is not so good. Not so good at all.

It is still there this morning, still sloshing. I thought of popping the bubble to let the water out, but then I wasn't sure if that would release lots of toxic mold spores into the room so I left it.

I am really feeling the financial strain of repeated IVFs lately. It wouldn't be so bad day-to-day if I'd have taken all the cash out of my savings, I suppose, but then I wouldn't have any savings left. No, I have tried to scrimp and save as I go along, and I have a medical flex spending account which takes a gargantuan sum out of every paycheck. I have a well paying job, don't let me paint the wrong picture. I am not poor or short of money - I do still have savings that I can tap into. But lately it seems like I lurch from one financial crisis to another. I don't have that nice cushion of cash that I used to do, which can absorb minor household disasters.

So just as I'm gearing up to pay for another cycle, AND my computer at home has died and I wanted to replace it, AND I'm having some work done on my air conditioning system this week, here's another wrench thrown at me. I should take it as a reminder for why I want to stop this nonsense, even if the IVF is not successful. It's giving me cold sweats to think about how much money this bubble is going to cost me. What if they open up the wall and find it riddled with mold? What if they have to rebuild the wall or refit the window and then break the darn thing when they try to take it out? I can't keep going on like this.

OK, deep breath. The house isn't falling down, it will work out in the end.

But, just have to add - OMG, they're rounding the monks up in Burma and sending them to prison. I am so saddened by the world these days, just so saddened.