I used to be a blogger

Whenever I read about how another blogger, no, let me correct myself, a blogger is feeling bad because she's out of touch, and then goes on to explain in detail why, it reminds me just how out of touch I am now. Because I'm always way more out of touch than they are. Way, way more. I basically read about three blogs now. No, strike that. At any one time I may, on a good day, read three blogs. But that covers about 10 actual blogs - it's just that some of them may only get read once in three months, whereas others I might read, ooh, as often as once every three days. Not three times a day as I sometimes used to.

It's my own fault, I know. But where do you fit once you've had an infertility blog and then given up? Most infertility blogs morph into mommy blogs, and hooray for that. But I'm not even writing about getting on with life after infertility. I mean, sure, I could post every time I'm wistful, or jealous, or bitter, or even dream about something (last night I dreamt I had a fantastic beta result - that was a disappointing wake up moment, I can tell ya). But I think that would rapidly get boring, because who wants to hear all the time that I'm wistful? Or even, happy. Because, yes, most of the time I'm actually happy these days. Thank GOD I am not going through infertility any more. Thank the little baby jesus for that.

So instead, I don't blog about anything really. Which is even more boring I'm sure. So here are some snippets:

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I have finally discovered hulu.com. And am working my way through the entire back catalog of Arrested Development. Love that show! And by the way, has anyone seen Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog? Genius.

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I have, for the first time ever, almost thrown out some books. I say "almost" because I have two piles - one to go to work to our employee "library" and one pile to go in the recycling bin (all useless free books that came with magazines that are really more booklets than books). But they haven't made it out of the house yet, and so I could still chicken out.

You see, I am trying to pare down my stuff so that it actually fits within the storage that I have available. So far this week I've worked through my closet (apart from the shoes and dresses) and my t-shirt drawer. And one bookshelf. It's a start people, it's a start. I have this dream of living this very minimalist, organized, neat and tidy life, which is sadly always destroyed due to my love of shopping. And my habit of not fitting into 3/4 of my clothes as I gain and lose weight. But really, there's no need for me to have 5 pairs of black ballet flats. Or 7 pairs of sneakers. Or 6 pairs of black pants. I am slooowly improving on that score. Why, just this week I resisted buying another pair of sneakers, but instead am throwing away the pair that I've been wearing as they're now falling apart, and have dug an old pair out of the back of the closet. So what if they made my feet bleed the last time I wore them? I will wear them in and make use of them, damn it.

One of these days I shall be that elegant lady who lives in a miniscule apartment with minimal possessions, but each of whose possessions are treasured, wonderful quality, just so, and fabulous. Even if it takes me until I am 90.

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Still haven't rejoined a dating site. But I'm still working on it. Kinda sorta.

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Cousin was not sent overboard by Hurricane Bill. But last heard of was in danger due to (remains of?) tropical storm Danny. Ah well, I'm sure they will go back out to sea again, and ride this one out too.

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I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again. At least while at school I'm busy as anything and feeling like life has a purpose. The many evenings of doing nothing this week have just been a reminder of my lack of social life. Hence trying to update my blog on a Saturday night instead of going out and having fun. Bleh. OK, back off to hulu...

Refreshed?

I am home.  Tired, but home. I made the possibly mistaken decision to drive all the way home from Asheville, NC to So. Fla. in one day. Through a giant rainstorm that lasted all through Georgia.  So today, I ache. And I feel depleted. And all kinds of tired.

But I had a lovely time. I feel renewed and refreshed. I feel ready to tackle projects around the house, and projects in my life.  Why, I even started on an online dating profile. Whether I actually complete any of these projects is another matter of course, but I took the opportunity of being on vacation to take lots of photos of myself for said profile, so we'll see.  The photo posted here is not, of course, of me, but of some flowers from Biltmore Estate.  They have quite lovely gardens there, I must say.  Perhaps I will post more soon when I have more energy.

*****

I have arrived home to a freaking-out aunt.  My cousin, last we heard of him, was in a fishing boat off the Grand Banks near Newfoundland in an area called the Flemish Cap.  [Such is my family - you never know what will crop up next.] In case you've never heard of the area (and I must admit, I hadn't), it's where Perfect Storm is set. Where the Titanic sank.  In other words, not a pleasant place to be on a fishing boat when a hurricane is bearing down on  you. The boat is going to go further out to sea in the hopes of avoiding the storm, but one never knows with these things if a storm will jog off its predicted course at the last minute.  And of course, being an idiot, I have promptly opened up my copy of Perfect Storm and started freaking myself out by reading about the harsh conditions.  So, if you are the praying type (or the sending good thoughts type), please send some thoughts for all the shipping vessels that are in the way of the current hurricane. We always breathe a sigh of relief when these things are predicted to avoid land, but of course on this crowded planet there are always some people who are in the path of danger. And as one of them is a relative of mine this time, that is where my thoughts are straying.

School's out for summer

I get a whole 3 weeks off. So I am heading off on vacation for 1 week, then I'll be back in town.

I was pleased with the final week at school. I did the best in class at the Chinese massage first time around (although he let people have another try the following day if they wanted to improve their grade so it ended up that I was not the only A).  The other exams went well - I underperformed slightly on one (it was damn hard) but then so did most everyone else. By the time he added in the grades from the quizzes we'd done during the semester, and he curved a bit, I was back up to where I wanted to be.  So I think I'll either have straight A's, or one A-. Wait, do you count A-'s as being included in "straight A" tallies? I never know if you should or not. I guess there's always a chance of an A+ from anatomy this semester (haven't seen that grade, but she's generous and gave me A+ last time), so maybe if I do get an A- that will be cancelled out.

Anyway, I shouldn't be so concerned. It's not freakin' Harvard. A good grade doesn't make a good acupuncturist. But I keep thinking that if there are opportunities to go and study in China, or to intern with the best professors, they will go to the high performing students, and that's one reason why I keep trying to do well. And there's the little matter of my own Type A tendencies coming to the fore, I guess.

Back in town in a week, barring hurricanes. 

Just so you know...

It took until Tuesday morning to get an (almost) definitive answer on the question of whether I was fired or not. My department head said "well, I don't think you were fired. Maybe they just cut your benefits." Then the office manager expounded on how you have to do 30 hours a week for benefits, and maybe they were looking at certain figures and not other figures and that could be an answer. To which I replied that they would still have had to have given me advanced notice. And that it would be nice if someone, anyone, had shown a bit more confidence in whether I was still an employee or not.  Even my own boss. And the HR woman, when she finally got back to me sent me a one line email saying "I show you as OK."  Which raised the question as to precisely what OK meant.

But on Tuesday morning the HR woman sent me an email saying that she had spoken to the insurance company and that my benefits had been reinstated.  No confirming that it had been a mistake, or apologizing for the stress, or anything. Thanks a lot, employer, for all the warm and fuzzies.

Snippets

Packing: such a chore since moving to S. Fla. Everywhere else that I go is cooler than here, but yet how much cooler? Does one take endless sweaters or does one assume that it's summer and will be plenty hot enough, thank you. I am going on vacation in a week (yay!) and am trying to figure out what on earth I will wear.  The high temperature will be about 83. Which is the current overnight low at home. And the low will be a nippy 61. But that's when I'll be tucked up in bed. How cool will the evenings be? Will I be shivering if I don't take fleece and woolies? I am not so tolerant of low temperatures now that I'm a tropical little flower.  And then there'll be some hiking in the mountains. I'm only used to hiking in England, where one basically prepares for a blizzard, or at the very least, a freezing downpour, and hopes like hell that one won't encounter that. Will I feel like a tool if I'm wrapped up as if for winter with my Kendal mint cake in my giant backpack and everyone else is in shorts and t-shirts? Will I end up with a suitcase the size of a house to account for all the layers of clothes I will have to take?

School: we were discussing Type A personalities in Anatomy class, you know, how they're hard driving people that aren't happy unless they get 100 on their tests.  Half the heads in the class swiveled in my direction with knowing grins. What? Said I. That is SO not me. I am PERFECTLY HAPPY with a 99!  Heh. Coming from a law firm where I am one of the most type B people in the place, it amuses me that I appear type A to my classmates. Of course, I'm sure I'm a bit of both, and I do love me a 100 on a test...

More on school: we were doing some qi gong the other day in class, and had to hold our balls of qi in front of us (imaginary energy, that is) with our eyes shut.  I was pronounced the best, because the teacher could feel heat in-between my hands, and I opened my eyes when he moved his hand between my two. I felt a slight breeze when he did it, so I don't know if there was anything really to it or if there was a slight bit of physics-nerd cheating going on, but hey. I went up in the estimation of some of my classmates, and more importantly, in the eyes of the teacher. The daily qi gong practice is really paying off with the hot hands thing.

Work: my buddy at work swears that he was told that nobody from our office was getting laid off, and nobody from our department either. So he thinks that I am NOT fired, but I'm still awaiting the verdict. He concurs with me that I may have been on a "bad list" of people with low billable hours, but then they realized that I was part time.  But the "bad list" might have gone to the health insurance people.  Or something.  He said I should have called our boss to find out for sure, but I didn't want him going loopy on the HR people at the weekend, or having the awkward "ah well, I was going to tell you on Monday..." conversation on the phone, so I didn't. We will see. My classmate who I carpool to school with on Saturdays says that even if I AM fired, things happen for a reason, and on the whole I agree with her, so I'm not stressing too much.

Babies: I find myself wistful again for babies. I mourn the passing of each ovulation, as I'm no nearer to finding a reliable source of sperm. I tend to think that I'll need the hormone surge of a new relationship to have any hope of conceiving, so I don't think that ordering a man in a can will do me any good. I have plans to get out and about to new places while on summer break, so you never know, maybe I'll meet me a nice guy at a Buddhist meditation class.

Oops! You're fired!

I arrived home today to a certificate from the health insurance company that I had coverage up to 8/1/09.  I blinked. And turned it over, and blinked again. Yup. There was a clear "date coverage ended" field that was filled in.

I emailed someone in HR. Of course, being as it was 7pm on a Friday night, I do not expect much of a response until Monday. I called the insurance company.  Oh no, the lady said, it's not a mistake. We received paperwork which included a termination date of August 1, 2009.  Right, said I, but if that paperwork was sent to you by mistake, because either it's that or my employer forgot to mention that they fired me, forgot to march me out of the building, and forgot to disconnect my email, what happens to me if I get in a car crash this weekend?  Oh, she said, well, if they write to us and explain that it was a mistake, we'd give you the coverage back retroactively. But they'll have to send us the paperwork, we can't do anything about it based on your say-so. Obviously not, says I. Convenient that it's a Friday night, isn't it?

The thing is, normally I'd blow this off as a silly mistake, but they DID lay off some people last Friday. August 1st. Although I think they were given a week's notice until today but I'm not sure.  So it could be that my name was included in the paperwork for a reason.  And in this economy you can't exactly take a job for granted.

Or it could just be a misunderstanding. They could have just effed it up again. My HR stuff is ALWAYS effed up.  First of all, there is someone else at my employer with the same first and last name as me. Which is not unique in the company, as it's fairly large. In fact, at one point there were 3 guys with the same name and I think two of them had the same middle initial too. But despite the fact that you'd think they'd plan that over a certain size there could very well be people with similar or the same names, they still eff stuff up because of it.  Second, I am the only one in my company with my job title right now.  Well, we used to have 4 people in the same job but the other 3 have all left. And it doesn't quite fit nicely in the usual categories, so they often make the rules up as they go along.  Leading to effed-uppedness. Third, I'm now ALSO part time, which effs things up even more.

Sigh.  I know I should be grateful that I have a job. And I AM, trust me.  My bro' has now been unemployed for 11 months. I know the deal.  It'd just be nice not to be scared shitless by your mail.

Not-so-secret Hermione

I admit it, I relish big exams. I relish a studying challenge. Well, I hate it while doing it, but I enjoy the challenge, the planning, the feeling of undertaking a giant mission. And finally, and most importantly, the relief and sense of accomplishment when it is all done.  But I'm talking the really big exams here. The bar exams. The boards. Finals at college that are really finals - i.e. year or course-end cumulative finals.

When I did my equivalent of bar exams in the UK, back in the day, I'd go to a quiet corner of the law library and settle myself in, plotting out 12 hour days. Yes, 12 hours. That was only at the very end, of course, when I took some time off work to study. Prior to that it had been mere 8 hour days at weekends. I'd plan out what I'd study, when I'd take breaks. Where I'd eat. All of that. And then I'd hole myself up, dig in, and not permit myself any distractions. 

For acupuncture, the big deal is the boards. There are 4 boards as far as I can tell, although it may be 5 - I get confused because they changed the rules, and then people complained and they changed them back. So sometimes I think something is right, but then I find that that was what it was going to be, but isn't now. Confusing, huh. You have to pass varying numbers for licensing in various states.  For my state, I could get away with 3, although my plan is to do all 4 (or 5) so that I could possibly move to another state if I wanted to. Besides, it's just better to do them all.  Some of them I can do pre-graduation, after a certain number of credit hours, some I may wait until after graduation.  In preparation for the boards, my school has cumulative year-end exams. So at the end of the first year, you review anything you've ever studied that might come up on the boards. At the end of the second year, ditto. At the end of the third year, you're basically taking exams that are the equivalent of the boards, so it's good practice.

We got our class schedules for next semester this week (although I should say trimester as there are three terms in the school year, not two, but trimester is uncomfortably pregnancy-related), and there looming on it is the year-end exam.  It scared me at first, and I felt like I couldn't possibly fit in enough studying for it. But then my inner Hermione kicked in, and I dug out a notebook and started mapping out a study plan. It is uber-ambitious. My classmates would probably kill me if they found out how much I'm planning on doing.  But several of them have said they're just going to study all semester long, and that's what I'm planning, so maybe they are being equally ambitious.  Although I tend to like to go back and read the textbooks and then study from study aids or tables, rather than stick with the Cliff notes all along.  I am probably therefore planning on more hours than most.

Doing the study plan made me feel good in the moment, but now I have to admit, looking at it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach again. Erk.  OK, I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. Relish the challenge, and all that. I can DO this. 

Where was I?

Oh yes, when last you heard from me I was bone tired. It was just a phase, and now I am back to my usual vim and vigor.  Well, OK, not vim or vigor exactly, but not deadbeat tired either.

I feel oddly disconnected from the world, and it's almost entirely of my own choosing. That and, you know, busy-ness.  Work has "upgraded" our internet experience, which means that I can no longer access any blogspot or typepad or any number of bloggy-type sites from the office. I suppose it's fair, given that I am supposed to be there working and not goofing off and surfing, but it does cut into my access to the world somewhat. You'd think that I'd fire up the old internet when I get home, but I am mostly reluctant to these days. I feel worn out by sitting in front of a computer screen all day at work, so that I don't want to turn the damn thing on at home. So, even though previously I was hopelessly behind in blog reading, now I'm woefully behind.  I don't even want to fire up the TV either. In fact, I can't remember the last time it was actually turned on. I think I watched a rerun of House about 3 weeks ago.  Now I get my news and entertainment from NPR, the New York Times online, and a music station (the best of the 80's, 90's and today, don't ya know).  And that's pretty much it.  I am turning into a hermit, rereading old familiar books when I should be studying. And studying when I should be sleeping. Although I did go and see the Harry Potter movie last weekend with my tenant/roommate. And was sorely disappointed at its slow pace and lack of magicky action. Sigh.

And then I got a private message from an IVF board. Asking me questions based on a post of mine from 18 months ago. I'm too tired and heart sore to respond to it. I have nothing to add to anyone's fertility journey at the moment. I have no expertise that I wish to pour forth. I am tired of being barren and childless. Tired of being single. Tired of knowing all about IVF cycles. Tired of trying to be healthy so that I might have a chance of a fertile egg before my ovaries completely shrivel up, although given that I am making no headway in finding a boyfriend, what's the damn point?  No, actually, it's not true that I am trying to be healthy just for the sake of my eggs. I am trying to be healthy because I am aging, and I don't want to be a miserable old lady with aches and pains. The egg thing is just wistful nonsense.

Bah. This post is coming off all bitter and twisted, which is not what I wanted. Mostly I am doing fine these days. I am enjoying school, and am slowly climbing the mountain of information I have to cram into my brain before I graduate. I am enjoying most of my fellow students (except for the asshole, who annoys me daily - I am starting to think that he is the cross I have to bear, the one that has been sent to test my patience so that I can finally dispense with my ego and let the annoyances wash over me. Or something. Well, let's face it, if I don't tell myself that he was sent to try me, all that is left is believing that he's just an asshole. And I'm trying to think better of him than that.)  I have melancholy moments when I think about being childless and a failure in that department.  But they do not make up the majority of my days.  Most of my days are spent trying to remember exactly what a purplish-blue tongue means as opposed to a purplish-red tongue, or exactly what acupuncture point SJ 19 is for, or doing endless hours of practice at twisting needles or massage techniques. Or some such.  I don't have any miraculous cures for anyone out there at the moment, though I will say: take Floradix liquid iron + herbs, and get thee some B12 shots (or, failing that, the dissolvable sublingual B12 tablets). Not very Chinese-y, I know.  But you'll thank me in the end.

Energy shmenergy

I am tired. Bone tired. Weary. Just...tired.

I have not been sleeping well lately, combined with going to bed later than I used to, combined with stress at work and school, and...it turns me into a tired, irritable lady. I have booked a vacation for the summer break, but that's a month away. And I have a bunch of exams between now and then. Grumble, grumble, grumble. It all makes me wonder what on earth I am doing, signing up for this school thing and having the audacity to think that I can just change my career like that. Some days I think I'll never be a good acupuncturist, because I just don't have time to practice or do enough other things to hone the physical side of this job. And then there are SO many things to memorize and learn.

Sigh.

In other news, a few of us were discussing chakras and acu in one of our breaks. They don't teach us about the chakras at school (being as it's not strictly part of Chinese theory) but there are some books out there on it, and some practitioners work with the chakras. I find it pretty interesting - after all, if this stuff is real, it should all work and all the different energy medicine theories should line up and have plenty of correspondences. If it's all voodoo, it won't.

But of course, the annoying student in my class was all "it's Chh-ak-ras, not shak-ras." So I responded "Chh-ak-ras, shakras, energy centers, what-evah, who cares what we call them?" But the dude would not shut up, about how he knew more about the chakras than us because he's a yogi and blah blah blah. And it's CHh-ak-ra. Yeah mate, I thought, you've got a really looong way to go before you really understand what being a yogi is. A little bit of humility mixed in is definitely necessary. Anyhoo, how come the world and their uncle says shakras then?

Grrr. You can see how the irritability is not helping me right about now.

On the chair situation

Just an update: employer was very happy to arrange an ergonomic assessment for my secretary, which is set for July 22nd. She's actually looking forward to it now, go figure. And they said they would have no problem buying a new chair or whatever is necessary. Which fits in with my own experience - I got a new chair a couple of years ago when the other one was giving me lower back pain. So even though they'll generally say "no spending," if there's something that is causing an actual problem, they will replace it.

And yes, they would have to pay for the surgery, not the insurance company. We have "self-funded coverage" where my employer picks up the entire tab, using the insurance company for administration only. Apparently it's cheaper to do it that way than buy the full insurance. Again, go figure.

So, a combination of knowing what would be cheaper combined with a huge fear of workers' comp claims and there you go. I figured all along that it wasn't our employer dragging their feet but my secretary.

But thanks for the info on the surgery being easy for most people. I guess it's always the problem cases that stick in my mind...

The problem with acupuncture acceptance...

Two posts in one day, it's a miracle!

I share a secretary, and she's recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome, although she says it's been coming on for years. I said she should get her workstation looked at, because I'm convinced her chair is wrong, her keyboard set up is wrong and her monitor is at the wrong height. She's very petite, and the standard-sized stuff just doesn't fit her. She didn't want to bother anyone, and anyway, our employer has been cost-cutting, so she was sure there was nothing that could be done. She didn't want the surgery. I pointed out that acu is supposed to be very good for carpal tunnel. She didn't want to do acu because she was scared of the pain of needles, although by this point, she was unable to sleep because of the terrible pain in her wrists.

Finally she said she'd give acu a try. She's now been 3 times. The acu thinks it might take 8 sessions to really help. In the meantime, I kept nagging her to ask about having someone come in to do an ergonomic assessment for her desk, because why fix the problem once and then go on aggravating it. She kept hemming and hawing. She told the office manager that it wasn't such a big issue.

Then this weekend she spoke to a nurse at a nursing home where she was visiting, who spotted the wrist brace, and told her about her own carpal tunnel surgery, which was outpatient and such a relief and all that. Super easy! So now my secretary wants to quit acu because she has to pay for it, as it's not covered by insurance, and go and have the surgery instead as that will be covered by the insurance. Aargh! Is it just me that thinks it's ridiculous to put yourself through surgery when something natural and non-invasive is already helping and could help longer term? Just because you don't want to pay for it? And how much would she have to pay in co-pays for the surgery and the drugs she'd need to take? Is surgery really easier than acupuncture? And even if our employer is cost-cutting, surely it's cheaper for them to buy a new damn chair than pay for surgery?

After hearing this new plan of hers, I've stopped nagging her to ask for an ergonomic assessment, and just gone over her head and demanded one. It's already been agreed to, and is going to go ahead soon. Oy. I just hope that will help so she can avoid surgery, which I'm sure is not quick and super easy for everybody.

The problem with restricting certain foods...

...is that nobody takes any damn notice. Case in point, lunch today:

Sarah, to waiter: I'd like the tofu masaman curry please, with brown rice. That doesn't have peanuts in it does it? Because I can't eat peanuts, so if it comes with peanuts, I don't want them.

Waiter, to Sarah: Oh no, no peanuts; that curry is potato-based. There's no peanuts at all.


Of course, the meal arrives with a GIANT handful of peanuts dumped on top of it. Uh huh. Thankyouverymuch a-hole. So I spent the first part of lunch and much of the rest of the picking the darn things out, accidentally ate two halves and now I feel sick. I've been shoveling the Tums in, which is my usual remedy for accidental peanut-induced nausea, which works if I can do it quick enough. Otherwise I may have to go and stick my fingers down my throat. Bleh.

I mean, thank god I'm not actually allergic to the damn things, like anaphalactic shock allergic. Although I suppose then a) I wouldn't have set foot in a Thai restaurant, no matter how my coworkers wheedled and tried to get me to, and b) I'd have sent the meal back. Next time it happens, though, I will NOT be such a lame ass and I WILL send the meal back.

No doubt it had flour in it too, as the tofu seemed coated in something. So much for gluten free, as well.

Futurama

I went out to lunch with my boss today, who said that he has a daydream that I'm still going to want to work for him when I've got my acupuncture license. I said "uh, you do know that I'm not doing this for fun, right? I am planning to leave and do it full time." He said "I know, I know, but I was hoping that maybe while you're building up your acupuncture practice you could keep working with me, maybe even one day a week, hell, whatever percentage I can get. Just for you to keep the money coming in the door until you're overwhelmed with acu work and need to switch to it full time. And for me to still have you working for us, because you're awesome."

Awwww. It quite brought a lump to my throat . But it does make me think more about the future. See, I have been giving it lots of thought and I think I'd like to work with someone else for a few years, to get some experience. I've never believed that it is right to go and hang a shingle the moment you're qualified in anything that requires thinking. Ignoring art and such, where you can and probably should go off to do your own creative thing right from the get go. I think it's best to gain experience, to have someone to bounce questions off, and all that good stuff. So it'd be good to find a part-time job (or heck, even a full time one) that I could do for the pittance that a freshly-minted acu can command, and keep money coming in with a few hours a week at the current, more lucrative job.

It's nice to know I have options.

Optimism

I have this feeling that July is going to be a good month. I hope it is!

My horoscope is pretty darn stellar, I've got a lottery ticket sitting in my purse that I'm putting a lot of hope in, I have been feeling fit and healthy, and I just changed my hair style (I've gone straight). And I got that appraising "look" from a guy in the supermarket the other day. You know, the "you're kind of a foxy lady and I want you to know it" type look. I haven't had that look in, like forever, so it was a bit of an ego boost. I think it was the new hairdo, as I've been walking around with a frizzy bird's nest on my head, looking like I just didn't care any more, and suddenly I look like I DO care and I think that causes a second look from guys. That and the fact that I feel like I look better gives me more confidence to radiate out to the world. Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

AND it is Grandpa's birthday today, so I called him and we had a nice chat. 93! Woot!

So, I'm in a great mood. I hope it lasts all month and that THIS is the month when I finally meet the boyfriend of my dreams. Or you know, the month when I win the lottery. That'd do too.

Fibro and all that jazz

SS said...
Hi- I am curious about you saying you had fibromyalgia- do you no longer have it? My sisters suffer from this condition and with the limited medication available even with a good rheumatologist they've had trouble controlling it. Were you able to do this through acupuncture or diet? Did you have positive ANA titer? Just curious- good luck with the diet changes. They tried a million of those to no avail.

Ah, yes, well, the fibro issue. OK, so I never got a real diagnosis from a rheumatologist or an MD. Usually I hesitate before mentioning anything about fibro because it all seems a bit...unlikely, even to me. Can you have it and then not have it? What happened was this...I had a super stressful time at work for an ongoing period, and basically burned myself out. Then for months afterwards I had fibro symptoms - intense muscle and joint pain, fatigue, fogginess, etc, but was refusing to believe anything was necessarily amiss. Then I went to a naturopathic doc, or ND, at the urging of auntie, who "diagnosed" me with fibro (not even sure they're technically allowed to diagnose - she may have used whatever wording she had to - suggested or believed or whatever) based on tender points, symptoms and some bioelectric feedback machine thingie. I never had a positive titer or any blood test. I never wanted to go to a regular doctor because I knew they didn't have much to offer and I didn't want it on my insurance records.

The thing is, I know it was mild, even though it was mildly debilitating at the time - it was never so debilitating that I couldn't force myself to get to work. I couldn't do much else, but I could work. My aunt has fibro, and she has it way worse than I ever did, and also can't get rid of it so I always had a comparison and knew that I was lucky. I was also lucky in that it was "diagnosed" very early - after only a few months rather than years as most people suffer through. I think that was very helpful in addition to the mildness. So the first, and only, thing I took specifically for fibro was magnesium malate (also known as malic magnesium). I took it up to my digestive tolerance level, I had to ramp up the amount until I got pain relief, then was able to taper back down when it wasn't so bad. Basically it's a muscle relaxant, but it relaxes everything so you end up with diarrhea - you have to find the balancing point of what you can tolerate, and your body does get digestively used to it after a while. The biggest thing I did I think was deciding that my job was not worth making myself sick over. I decided that if they fired me, oh well. So I cut back down on the hours I was working and the stress that I put myself under. I decided I didn't care any more, didn't want to do the job any more and would look for something else I could do. And 6+ years later, they still haven't fired me, but it came close at various points, I am sure. And now I am on the path to a new job and hopefully not so much stress.

Other than that, I can't really say what worked. I mean, acupuncture I'm sure has helped. I've done so much of it, but we weren't focusing on fibro. Changes in my diet have helped but I don't recall exactly what I did or didn't do. I just generally eat healthier. I took vitamins and supplements, but did any of those help other than the magnesium malate? I don't know. At some point, the pain just faded away and then stopped. Occasionally, it will start to come back - it has lately. I find when I am under stress, or not taking my vitamins, or not eating so healthily, it starts playing around with my middle back, then starts stretching around my ribs, then starts invading my hands and feet. Actually, as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if it's the dairy, as that's the only thing I started eating more of lately just before the pain started coming back. Although school is stressful in its own way, so it could be that too. It may be a combination - maybe I can deal with dairy (and/or wheat) when under no stress, or vice versa, but can't handle both/all together? When it does return, I jump back on the magnesium malate, and make a conscious effort to reduce the stress, and pay attention to my diet again. And luckily, for the last few years, the pain fades out again after a few weeks.

So, did I ever really have it? Maybe not. Did it ever go away? Maybe not. It, whatever it is, lurks. But these days, the majority of the time, I don't have any symptoms.

A food thing

I am all better now, by the way. It was a 24-hour bug thingie, so I was actually feeling pretty tip-top by about 5pm on Friday. Weird.

Anyway, I wanted to write about food. And specifically whether it contributes to infertility. My aunt has been diagnosed with some gluten intolerance issue within the last year, and she's lately been reading a book all about it, and called me up in a lather. She said she kept thinking of me as she read how gluten intolerance could cause infertility, lead to weight gain, fibromyalgia, fatigue, etc, etc, all things that I have had. Now, personally, I think I got fat because I ate too much, not from any other reason. But whatever, I indulged her in the conversation although I pointed out that the infertility aspect was pretty much moot by this point. She said that she was reading how it could be genetic, and could lead to all sorts of microcirculation problems later in life (that she is dealing with now), and eventually to stroke. Which we have running rampant in our family - if family history is anything to go by, we are both doomed to have strokes. Well, actually, I am. She's already had a minor stroke, so I should say she is doomed to have more and I am doomed to rinse and repeat. [I mean, actually, it's a minor medical miracle that my aunt is walking around - both her cardiologist and her internist have told her that she's their most interesting/confounding patient, and would probably not be here if she hadn't led such a healthy lifestyle. Personally, I wish they'd use their interest to finally diagnose the root of her many issues, but they're working on it. Anyhoo, it's a good incentive for me to live a healthy lifestyle, as I don't want to drop dead in my 50's of an aneurysm.]

So I thought I might give it a go. Although I've tried cutting out wheat before, but didn't specifically go to the extent of trying to be 100% gluten free. And I'm not yet gluten free, either, as I refuse to throw food out so I'm using up things in my cupboard. I'm trying to buy gluten free things as I shop, though.

But then, as a vegetarian, it's damn hard to be gluten free AND dairy free. So I decided I would reintroduce more dairy. I'd cut way back on the dairy intake as the Chinese frown on it, but the decision to try gluten free was coupled with the discovery that greek yogurt is, like, totally the best thing in the world so I thought, hey, perfect excuse! Except, I'm starting to wake up in the mornings with the old arthritic feelings in my hands and feet. And I'm feeling a bit more phlegmy in the sinuses. I had forgotten about how those issues used to bug me and how they went away when I reduced the dairy to a very small amount. So, sadly, I may have to cut out the dairy again as well as it looks like I have a slight intolerance to it. Bleh. I feel like I will be a complete social pariah, not able to eat out anywhere.

Of course, it all makes me wonder. If I have a slight intolerance to dairy, and a slight intolerance to wheat, and I know I have an intolerance to peanuts, did a combination of these things contribute to my infertility? Are they contributing to yours? How on earth would we know, and how could we find out? I tried so many things while I was TTC'ing, from cutting out caffeine, to cutting out alcohol, wheat, and dairy. But only for periods of a couple of months at at time - after all, when you're under that much stress, it's only natural to want to comfort yourself with pizza and ice cream after a while. And it wasn't as if I was doing it scientifically, as I was flailing around and grabbing on to anyone's half-baked theories of what and what not to eat, hoping it would bring a result, and then giving up in disgust when it didn't. If only someone would figure this out - if you know about any studies on these issues, please let me know in the comments, as I'd like to read them for my own edification (and, you know me, I'm already planning my infertility treatments for future patients).

To work or not to work?

That is the question of the hour. It's 8.23am. I have not exercised, not showered, not dressed. Not gone to work. I am debating going to work. Endlessly it seems.

Yesterday, I skipped my first school class. I started feeling very flu-ish, and thought I might be prone to throwing up as I was feeling distinctly nauseous. I'd already had a bout of diarrhea seemingly out of the blue before leaving home, and didn't like the thought of having to make a mad dash for the school bathrooms. My head felt hot, my throat was sore, and I started coughing and sniffling.  There's been something going around school. So I left after my first class, and skipped the second.

I got home, and took my temperature, convinced it would say 101 or something and that I'd have the swine flu. Nope, totally normal. No flu even though my forehead felt hot. Nevertheless, I went to bed at 8pm feeling fairly miserable.

And this morning? I'm mostly fine. A tiny bit achy, a tiny bit sniffly. A tiny bit raw around the lungs. The tiniest of headaches. How can you have a 12-hour flu? You can't, I think. So it was not flu. In normal times, I would not hesitate at popping a few pharmaceuticals and heading in to work. But now, I don't know. I know it would be the safe thing to stay home, just in case. I mean, even if this is just a run-of-the-mill virus, I am a person who prides herself on having a cast-iron immune system. What if someone else would actually get sick from this? Then I'd feel guilty.

[And yes, Stephanie if you're reading, I did think "that the lawd that I didn't go to see the babies and give this to them." I guess there really are no coincidences in life. I didn't go because it just didn't work out timing-wise. But did it not work out timing-wise because I was already incubating a virus?]

8.32am. Still thinking.

I gots da hot hands

One of the things I have been doing since starting school is qi gong. If you don't know it, it's like tai chi - well, one of our professors says that tai chi is a form of qi gong. I did it sporadically last semester, but this semester I committed to doing it every single day, because we were told that to really reap the benefits you need to do it for 100 days (the Chinese are big on this 100 days thing - take herbs for 100 days, do qi gong for 100 days, do anything for 100 days). I just spend 5 minutes a day on 8 simple, slow exercises.

And I have to say, there's something about the consistency of doing something every single day that really brings about changes. Not just physical changes, but mental changes too. Yes, there are days when even 5 minutes seems like a monumental chore. I just don't want to do it. I'm too tired. Too busy. Too...too. But I make myself, and that's a good feeling in and of itself. Knowing that I can follow through with a commitment and stick to it is reassuring.

So, first, I noticed that my breathing really slowed down fairly quickly into the exercises. It relaxed me. I have been feeling calmer and more centered. I can't say I noticed any big flow of qi (energy) or anything, and nothing magical had happened. But I stuck with it. It's now been about 6 weeks I think that I've done it every day. Still a ways to go to get to 100.

This week, however, I've noticed something else. My hands. They are hot. Constantly. A few years ago, they used to often be blocks of ice, but I have gradually improved my circulation and energy, and for the last year or two I'd say that they were "normal" temperature - cold when it was cold, not cold when it was warm. But some of my professors have these super hot hands, especially this one new teacher that we have. He has these amazing hands (I am kind of in love with his hands, I think) - they are super flexible, and strong, and like little furnaces on the ends of his arms. When he touches me to demonstrate some acpuncture technique or something, it's like I just feel warmth and healing radiating from his hands. Wowzer. I was a bit in awe of the hot hands. It's like there's this huge reservoir of energy in his body ready to jump out and heal people. And now, thanks entirely to the qi gong I am pretty sure, my hands are hot too! Awesome. The qi it is a-flowing. My handies are not as hot as the prof's, of course, but then he's been doing qi gong for decades. It sometimes surprises me - to feel my hands being hot, it's such a new sensation! I am excited, and hope that this will continue and that I'll really be able to use it to improve my acupuncturing.

One of my fellow students was doing some acu point location on me the other day, and I noticed that her hands were cold clammy pieces of fish. Heh. She doesn't do qi gong. It makes me want to give a public service announcement - make sure your acu has da hot hands! Otherwise you might not be getting their qi with your needles to reinforce your own.

Baby Time

My dear infertilibuddy Stephanie had twins a little over two weeks ago. I popped in briefly to the hospital but I only got to see little J. as N. was in the NICU. I mean, they were healthy 37 weekers, but one had aspirated fluids. Or something. I don't think I was quite listening at the time. They are both fine and home now though.

Yesterday morning, I got some baby time as I went round to Stephanie's house to get me some snuggles. Err, I mean, to help Stephanie out tremendously with all my expert baby wrangling techniques so she could get a shower. Ahem. No ulterior motive on my part at all... But ohmygosh, they are precious. And little. And did I mention precious? And so little. One forgets how that newborn stage is, so delicate and fit-in-the-palm-of-your-hand foldable with balled up little legs and arms. And they smell so pure and new babyish. It quite brought a smile to my heart.

Of course, this time last year, or two years ago, or three years ago...wait, any time in the last 5 years or so, I could not have done this without some crying or raging at the universe for not letting me have mine. Actually, I could not have done it at all. But now I really am over all that. It still amazes me sometimes how peaceful I can be. How I can appreciate someone else's cute babies without any pangs of jealousy. I mean, I still work on an ongoing basis at expanding my heart and being more peaceful in general, so it's not like I don't do anything, but the basic switch from angst to acceptance was pretty much a one day thing - my spiritual conversion moment, I suppose you could say. It was still a test for me to be left alone (albeit briefly) with babies but I'm still so awed and grateful that I was able to pass that test to my own satisfaction, and just find the joy in precious new little humans. Ahhhh.

Crazy thoughts

Oh, the flights of fancy one's mind conjures up while in the shower.

I've been trying out some new Chinese herbs lately. And dang, they've made me feel perky and healthy, and full of vim and vigor. And you know where this is going, right? I keep thinking that I bet my ovaries are also perky and full of life. And therefore, full of good eggs. Or, at least one good egg.

And so this morning I was mulling over how next month it'll be a year since my last IVF, and how I was supposed to be getting a boyfriend, but have failed at that so far (although I haven't given up hope). And that it'd be really nice to be trying to conceive the old fashioned way before my eggs get far too ancient even for me to kid myself that there's any life left in them. So then I mulled over getting someone to donate, but it's so hard to ask people that. So then I thought about going to an RE and asking if they'd do some IUI's for me - after all, it wouldn't go on their stats like an IVF would. But I thought, nah, that'd never work. So, yes, my mind went.....there. What, I thought, what if I went back to Big NY Clinic and did another IVF? I bet they'd still treat me - they treat women up to the age of 45. I have a 2.5 week break in August. I could travel to NY, shoot myself up with some drugs, and bingo! The new healthy me would produce some awesome eggs and I'd get knocked up before I hit my next birthday.

But don't worry, Anonymous, I said it myself: What, are you CRAZY????

It's not going to happen. I don't have the money. It's a ridonkulous idea.

But I really must try harder on that "finding a boyfriend" thing...clearly my mind is never going to rest until something happens.