Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Red wine, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Urgh, another evening of debauched drinking under my belt, and I'm suffering slightly this morning. Even the detox foot patches couldn't keep the headache at bay, but it's pretty mild, so who knows if I would have been incapacitated without them!

I absolutely have no self-control mechanism with booze once I've had that first delicious sip, so its either all or nothing with me, I'm sorry to say. Unless I'm out at a restaurant with people who do have self-control, that is, as then I can usually stick to one glass of wine so as not to appear to be a complete lush. But I only restrain myself for appearances sake, and so I don't kill someone by driving drunk. When I lived in England and public transport was freely available at pretty much all hours of the day and night there was generally no stopping me, however.

Of course, as I was lying in bed awake this morning at 5.20 because the booze doesn't like me sleeping to my normal wake up time, I was mulling over whether all this alcohol consumption over the years has affected my fertility. I mean, the acupuncturists say that my Liver Qi is stagnated, among other issues, so could the abuse my liver has taken over the years really have fried my reproductive system? I suppose all infertiles indulge in the "why?" questioning. Why am I having all this trouble conceiving? Was it something I did, is it purely random chance or has it been visited on me by a vengeful or testing God or even bad karma? And if it was something I did, was it the boozing, or the eating of cakes, pasta and other carbs, or maybe too much dairy? But then, isn't your liver supposed to be pretty good at healing itself, so the fact that I do quit drinking every time I am trying to conceive (several times for months at a stretch, before permitting myself maybe a glass or two for Thanksgiving or some other occasion) should have helped already if it was going to help, no? In other words, I am scrabbling around for an excuse to permit myself more boozing before I start shots for the next IVF.

Not that I'm an alcoholic, you understand. I just like alcohol, particularly red wine. No, wait, that makes me sound completely like an alcoholic! Giving it up isn't hard, and I certainly don't drink every night or even every week, but after a failed IVF, I just want to indulge. And is that so wrong? My current acupuncturist wants me not to booze, drink caffeine, eat wheat or dairy, but also wants me to have fun and destress. To be entirely honest, I don't quite know how to have fun if I'm not allowed any of those things, so what is better? A fun evening with friends eating and drinking, or a virtuous night at home on my own? For IVF#2 I boozed up until shot time, and had a MUCH better response than with IVF#1 where I was practically a saint for months beforehand. Doesn't that say something? That maybe enjoying myself and destressing with a few glasses of wine is better for me than trying too hard to be perfect?


Calliope said...

I so get this. Each cycle I do the "should I give up my coffee?" "should I give up my wine?" shuffle. If I stop coffee or wine then I become so painfully aware of being an infertile.
& how does one relax??

Then I think of all the crack whores & unhealthy people that get knocked up all the time.

& THEN I pour myself a glass of wine.

katty said...

Hello, you are like me a new blogger, and like me doing DI alone...
I sometimes feel there is far too much to give up. I don't want to give up anymore. I think of all those couples who go out for dinner and get hazily drunk over a bottle of red wine and then have passionate sex. It doesn't seem to affect their chances. Nonetheless, I have decided... four glasses a week until I start sniffing, and then no more until my first cycle of IVF fails... or succeeds....
Surely, we are entitled to some fun?