Monday, May 29, 2006

Jumping on the blogging bandwagon

I've decided to join the throngs who think that someone out there will want to read their random thoughts on life. My thoughts on life mostly center around being single and desperately trying to get pregnant, motherhood (hopefully we'll get to that one), and being an ex-pat Brit in the good ole U.S. of A. Sunny South Florida to be exact.

I'm about to start the journey that is IVF#3. I'm using anonymous frozen donor sperm from a sperm bank, and did 8 IUI's before moving on to IVF#1. That one was cancelled because I had a shitty poor response and converted to IUI#9. After switching up the meds, and some illicit dietary supplement use, I had a great response to IVF#2 and produced 14 eggs, 7 of which made it to becoming embryos. But the great response didn't actually extend to me getting pregnant so not exactly what I was hoping for. One lonely little embryo made it to the freezer, so it doesn't seem worth doing a transfer with just that one and I'm going to attempt another fresh IVF cycle. I hope it'll be my last!!

So, why am I doing this while single? Well, partly because I have come to realize that I like being single. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like men - I like having the companionship of a boyfriend, I like sex, and I like getting to know someone so intimately that they become deeply entwined in your life. But then again, I don't like a lot of the shit that men pull. For instance, why on earth do they think that farting is something to be proud of? How can they still take their laundry home for their mom to do at the age of 30 (yes, at least one of my single guy friends does this)? Why do they feel perfectly entitled to go to any Thanksgiving, Christmas or other large party and do absolutely nothing but stuff their faces, or maybe man the grill if asked, or carve the turkey? Seriously guys, those are not large contributions. So, I'm happy on my own. Yes, sometimes lonely, sometimes desperately horny with no boyfriend in sight, but I frankly just can't be arsed to look for someone. Then also there's the realization that I would like to parent without interference. I'm a vegetarian, and it's always been an ongoing theme with boyfriends about whether I'll be allowed to raise my own children as vegetarians. I don't want to have to fight those fights. It might also be nice to focus on the baby time without worrying about a husband who is suddenly shut out of my affections. But then again, I realize it'll be damn hard and there'll be times I'll weep in desperation about not having another adult there to take some of the burdens. I'm a strong woman, though, so I hope I'll make it through the tough times. And finally, I'm 37, and feel that my eggs are rapidly running out of steam - my doctor thinks so too, especially after all the failures.

Enough of the justifications. Mostly I want to get pregnant, because like most other women in the world I desperately want to have children. And society has moved on (at least in the US and Europe) where I will not be outcast or considered unmarriageable if I have my children out of wedlock. Hopefully none of their classmates will call them a bastard because none of the children of today will think that's a bad thing.

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