Muse. Bullet. Points.

Yes, yes, I'm still here. Still haven't quite managed to pull the plug.

I have been having many thoughts about motherhood and the like. More often than not I think "what a lot of work and effort all that stuff is" and think maybe I'll just be child-free forever. And downsize my life and live in a tiny apartment in the best part of Montreal. Or New York. Or Paris. Or Buenos Aires. Or...I don't know, anywhere chic and urban. Things I couldn't do with a kid in tow.  I imagine being a funky, cool old lady, not of the cat-crazy variety. With a miniscule wardrobe (that perfectly fits my size six frame - because of course I will be chic and thin) but which is all impeccably made of the finest materials by the finest designers. That I wear to the library. Or shopping to the market, where I will buy fresh flowers, no, fresh orchids, every week. And to my yoga class where I will wow the youngsters with my lotus pose. Sorry, I digress.

Then I think about the steps that turn us into an adult - marriage and children are the big two. I wonder if I never have either of those, if I'll ever be fully recognized as a real adult by certain sections of society. You know the type, the "you'll know what I mean when you have kids" type, whose every pronouncement is accompanied by a knowing look to the other parents in the room. But then again, there are other avenues into adulthood - the big birthdays, the buying of your first home, the responsibilities of bill paying. My family treats me like an adult because I act like one, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, and by the time I'm 70 and living my impossibly cool life nobody else's opinion will matter, after all. And then sometimes I think that I'm getting too old to be looking after a baby, and maybe I'd better just adopt a toddler or something. After I've graduated, of course, and actually have some time to spare. But just so I can skip all that inconvenient baby stage stuff. [And please, don't wander over here and think that I'd better not be a parent after all because I am not interested in the baby stage - you should know that after years of heartbreaking infertility treatment I'd probably kill to get to experience the baby stage. I'm trying to think of the positives, here, of missing out, all right?]

How does one go about forging a life for oneself when so many thoughts take me around and around about child rearing or child bearing, and missing out? I take a step forwards and a step backwards all the time - it is like a dance. I make one decision and then change my mind completely and decide that another is the right way forward. I recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "five birds are sitting on a wire. Four birds decide to fly off - how many are left? Five, because deciding and doing are not the same thing." Or words to that effect. It definitely resonated with me, I can tell you.

Anyway, some bullet points from the rest of my life recently:

• I have solar panels! Woot! 2kW of sun-powered goodness is now juicing up my house.
• I have lost a total of 18 pounds. So far.
• If you suffer from migraines, give up dairy, coffee and artificial sweeteners if you consume any to excess. Says one of the professors. Oh, and do yoga.
• I seem to have developed a small crush on one of the profs. He has mentioned a wife. It won't go anywhere. But still. It is a nice day dream.
• If you are overweight, try to always leave yourself just a little bit hungry. If you also tend to being cold and having loose poop (yes really, acupuncturists talk poop a lot) eat ginger, garlic, sweet potatoes, tofu (and some meats but I can't remember which because I didn't pay attention at that point). Ditch the processed carbs and too much sugar. Do strength training (ye-ess, still not so hot on my strength training, but I will get around to it at some point).
• They mentioned that two students per year from my school win a scholarship from the Chinese Government to go and study in China. For a year. You know I want to be one of them.
• I planted some plants today so my yard is less embarrassingly dead. I hope I won't kill them.
• The Craziness at work is not. yet. over. It's been over 2 months already, and I am tired. But to reveal some details - 13 people left, 1 was fired, 2 were laid off, and 1 or 2 more may be laid off still. Everyone else is moving (same building, just squishing up together to stop having so much dead space between those of us that remain). Sigh. But the good thing is that everybody I could have wanted to go is gone. I think it'll be a nicer place to work when the dust settles.

Rest and recuperation

It isn't until you are stretched to your limit that you suddenly realize the real virtue of rest and relaxation. And, basically, I haven't had any for weeks until the last couple of days. I managed to rest a little bit on Sunday, and then today I "worked" at home while some workmen were here. I did a little work, a little study, and a little lazing around. And I feel like I can suddenly think again, and maybe feel somewhat normal. Although I still think I could sleep for a week. And I only managed this by going in to work at 6pm on Saturday night, and by getting up at 5am this morning to clean. Yes indeed. Such is my life.

Except that it all starts again tomorrow and I will go back to crushing exhaustion until Spring Break which doesn't start until April 18th.

So, I'm sorry I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. Or emailing. Or updating here. Or cleaning my house. Or getting my hair cut. Or doing any number of things that I should do. And I've even been having thoughts about shuttering this blog and saying farewell on the basis that my ramblings are of no interest at all to anyone interested in infertility or single motherhood by choice. It's nothing personal, you understand. Just 32+ hours of work + 24 hours of school + 10 hours of driving + 4+ hours of exercise + 5+ hours of studying + laundry + food shopping + cooking + eating + minimal cleaning + god knows what else = exhaustion.

But strangely, I'm having fun. I can do it, provided that I can catch a mental health day every now and then.

Perfection or bust

One thing I've noticed on this dieting lark is that so many people are paralyzed about losing weight because they think they have to be perfect or it just won't work. Like, you have to be fasting, only eating grapes or only having 937 calories a day, or you won't get anywhere.  All not true. It's actually easy to lose weight, I have found. 

Use an online calculator, and calculate the calories you'd need to take in to MAINTAIN at your goal weight (making sure to calculate your basal metabolic rate and then work upwards using your activity level according to the Harris Benedict Equation), and voila. Eat a range around that, and you'll get there eventually. Don't underestimate your activity level to lose weight faster as that just defeats the object. [If you're very overweight and this works out as more than 1000 calories less than you would need to maintain at your current weight, don't drop so low so quickly - work down from where you are.] You'll be able to eat a reasonable amount of food, including treats, and it'll train you to get out of the "diet" mentality - as you'll already be eating the right amount of calories for you, for maintenance for the next decade or so, so there's no "finishing" the diet and getting back to "normal" as you'll already been eating at your new normal.  Exercise for the health benefits, and because it lets you eat more. Of course, this does require that you track your calorie intake relatively accurately, but there's plenty of online trackers that do that to save all that math.  

I tell ya, 1800 calories a day is a LOT more pleasant than 1200.

Anyhoo, it set me off wondering about the rest of life. I certainly have bought into the "perfection or bust" attitude, both in my food intake and in every other area of life. I am trying to let go of that. And of course, as with all things, it brings me back to trying to conceive. 

I spent so long trying to live according to "the plan" - grow up, go to college, get a degree, get a fabulous job, travel, go up the career ladder, have some fun, meet the great guy, get married, have two beautiful children, blah blah blah. Of course, for me, that started to go wrong at the "meet the great guy" stage, and then really went to pieces at the "have two beautiful children" stage. I spent so long wallowing in how meaningless life would be if I couldn't have children. Life would not be worth living. I got depressed, and fat. I got angry, and bitter. Perfection or bust.

But after some deep thinking, I finally figured out that I have no control over where my life is going. I can just go with the flow, or I can fight against the current. If my life plan is not to have children, or to adopt, I need to be able to adapt to that and to accept it willingly, with an open heart for whatever adventure life DOES bring me. Basically, this is all a long-ass way of saying that I am dropping the "man in a can plan."  I haven't been making any progress on ordering some frozen spermy goodness, because, well, my heart's not in it. What I really want is to meet a real man, and have some great sex, and a lifelong partnership. And if I get so lucky as to find a good egg, all the better. If not, adoption is still on the table. I've been regretting the passage of every month lately, wondering if that was my last good egg, and that shows me that I still haven't really accepted a child-free life. I'm still clinging on to wanting to conceive. I need to let go of that, and open my heart to other opportunities, whatever they may be.

The po-po money game

You know one thing I hate? Telemarketing calls from the police benevolent fund. Or the sheriff's benevolent fund. Or whichever one happens to be calling. I think it's preying on people's fears that they think they need to keep in "good" with the police, and that if the police call them they'd better listen in case it's something important.

Now, I'm not against police benevolent funds at all. At all. In fact, I've been a grateful recipient of help from them when my mom was in hospital and after she died - they really helped us get back on our feet again, helped my dad change his shifts and figure out what to do with us, etc. I don't know the extent of their help to us, but it sure made a deep impression on my dad, and once we were doing OK again, he was a tireless supporter of theirs, and we did many many fundraising activities all through my teen years. But that's the thing: we were a police family. We helped our own. All the fundraising was done "in-house" as it were, like a union. Once we were OK, we pitched in to repay our debt and to help others. I don't agree with randomly calling members of the public to solicit cash.

So, I get this call this morning, and it's from the police benevolent fund. It's a guy with a VERY strong Indian accent. Which, seeing as I am from the UK which has a huge Indian population, I can understand perfectly well. But I totally got the feeling that he was trying to bamboozle me with the accent AND with the police thing into agreeing to something that I didn't mean to, and it just left me feeling slimed all over. It went something like this:

[Rrrrring]
Me: Hello?
Him: Hello, is this Mrs. Sarah xxxx? I am calling from the xxxx county police benevolent fund and...
Me: I'm not interested in giving any money right now but thanks for calling, buh-b...
Him: Mrs. Sarah, we're not asking for money right now, just a pledge of $15 if I can send you something.
Me: Look, if you want to send me something in the mail, I'll consider it, but I'm not interested in giving any money right now.
Him: Just a pledge of $15.
Me: No. I'm not interested in giving any money right now. Bye bye.
Him: Well, OK, I'll send you something in the mail and you'll consider a pledge? Just $15?
Me: Fine, if you want to send me something. I'll consider it.
Him: Great, so that's a pledge of $15. Someone will call back shortly to verify your address.
Me: I am NOT making a pledge. I'm not giving you anything now. Nobody needs to call me back, because I'm not pledging. You can send me some literature if you want but that's IT.
Him: But you'll consider a pledge of $15, yes?
Me: [Sighs] I'll think about it.
Him: OK, so I'll have someone call to verify your pledge of $15.
Me: NO. THERE IS NO PLEDGE. I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY MONEY. EVER. GOOD-BYE.
[Click]

Asshat.

Perfect attendance?

When I was a wee lass, I was only allowed to stay home from school if I was actually producing vomit or diarrhea out of my body. Or perhaps obvious red chicken-pox like marks. Or maybe a high fever. There had to be physical evidence, otherwise out the door I went, complaining and whining about feeling sick be damned. Of course, I'm sure it helped in this regard that my mother was a nurse, and my dad was a cop, and they both worked (though my mom didn't work until I was about 7 or 8). I couldn't pull the wool over their eyes by faking illness, and they didn't want to have to stay home and miss work. So that was that. And yes, there were occasions when I got sent home later in the day after I barfed all over the floor, but hey, at least I made the morning classes.

When it came to undergraduate studies, I missed quite a lot. I was a slacker who was relishing my freedom and discovering a love of alcohol and nightclubs, and thus my perfect attendance record went completely out of the window. I ended up with a poor grade, and lifelong shame. It is a regret of mine that I wasted some good opportunities at college just because I wanted to party.

So this time around, I am studying something that I find interesting, that I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be good at what I do, and I want to get good grades. I am also now a responsible adult who turns up to stuff when required. I kind of assumed that others would be the same way, and so I find myself shocked that people miss classes ALL the freakin' time. One of them missed Saturday morning's class because she had a headache (this being a class where you have to have at least 95% attendance to get a passing grade). Others will miss classes and say they weren't well, or their back hurt, or they had stuff going on. And then today, I went to a totally optional, six-week qigong class that one of the teachers is doing. Nobody had to do it, no pressure. One other girl in my class said she'd go. Did she turn up? Nope. I called her and she said she didn't feel like it but she'll probably go next week. OK, I mean, it's optional and all, but when it's an exercise class you kind of need to know the basic moves first so not turning up to the first class seems a big deal to me. Also, I find it disrespectful to the teacher if he is planning for so many to turn up and then half just don't bother. The man is giving up his Sunday morning and you can't be arsed? If you weren't going to be arsed, just don't sign up in the first place! What if he turned someone away because all the places were filled? What if he really needs the extra money?

I mean, seriously, is America full of sissies that get sick all the time or do they just not care?  I pretty much don't get sick - I did get that norovirus that was going around last year (or was it the year before), but other than that I don't remember missing work due to being sick in the last 5-10 years (not counting IVFs).  Also, do Americans not find it disrespectful to the teachers not to show up in class? Do they think that nothing useful is said in class and that it is easy to catch up with 10 minutes of skimming someone else's notes?

I just don't understand.

I dreamt I was pregnant last night

And then I woke up, and realized I was snoozing flat on my back with my cat curled up on my tummy. 

No big predictive meaning, then. Just kitteh weight pressing on my internal organs. Thanks, kitteh.

Just two things (OK, four actually)

I admit, I was getting stressed at the weekend about this lifestyle of mine. We had a test at school on Saturday and I didn't do as well as I would have liked, because I hadn't devoted enough time to studying. And at the same time, my house was basically descending into squalor because I hadn't cleaned or tidied up in forever. I was beginning to have mild panic attacks at the thought of somehow squeezing out more time in which to get things done, while at the same time knowing that it's still busy at work and that I couldn't possibly manage it all.

But, I sat down, and really gave things a good think through. First of all, getting up in the morning. I'd been setting my alarm for 6, intending to get up and tackle things, but was not actually getting up. So all I was doing was cutting my sleep short unnecessarily and giving the snooze button a workout. I have reset it for 6.30 to give myself an extra half hour of sleep.

Then on the house squalor front, I decided I'd just have to keep it tidy and clean as I go along. There's no time any more to spend a couple of hours at the weekend making it look presentable. So I came up with a plan to just do two things every morning and evening. I can do two things. Just two things. And that's what I've been doing. And what a difference already! After only a few days I feel so much happier coming home and feel that I can breathe a bit easier. The first night I put the junk mail on the dining table into piles, threw away the pile that was actually junk and can finally see some wood. And I unloaded/loaded the dishwasher. That has moved on through a couple of dishwasher loads (yes, there were huge piles of dirty dishes in my kitchen - ugh) and laundry through to sweeping the floor, cleaning the kitchen countertops, dusting, starting to clean up my dresser in the bedroom. Ahhhh! Breathing room! It's actually quite amazing what two cleaning jobs every morning and evening can accomplish.

And finally, as far as studying goes, I decided that I just have to get into the habit of studying 6 days a week. I'd got into the habit of just doing whatever homework was set, and studying only when there was a test, trying to have a night off from studying whenever possible. But I need to step my general reading up so that I can stay up on the theory. So last night, even though I didn't need to, I picked up a book and spent 40 minutes or so reading up on qi.

I am definitely feeling happier about this new plan. I think I can, I think I can...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I want to document some health changes, both since I started acupuncture all those many years ago, and since I've been losing weight lately.

So:

1. Easy bruising. I used to bruise if you just looked at me. I was covered in them constantly. And I wouldn't have a clue where most of them came from. Not any more! This was an acu success - easy bruising is a sign of spleen qi deficiency, which I still have, but not nearly so bad as before. Now I only bruise if I get a really hard knock. As it should be.

2. Fatigue. Oh lord, the fatigue. This has improved a lot. Of course, it's probably from a mixture of more exercise, weight loss, less booze, an interesting course at school to get up for, less depression. All that. Now I sometimes marvel at the energy I have in my belly - the fire, as it were, burning away, enabling me to get stuff done. The house is still a mess, though, as I don't have enough energy to clean, so it's not perfect!

3. Coldness. I was constantly cold. And if I wasn't cold all over, my hands and feet were icy. Now I'm very warm blooded. In fact, I'm frequently hot. Women all over the office now marvel at how I manage to share a thermostat with my boss, who likes the temperature frigid. Again, cold hands and feet are a sign of spleen qi deficiency, so I attribute this to acupuncture and possibly qigong.

4. Puffy feet. My feet used to get painfully swollen by the end of most days. I expect this was due to putting on weight. I couldn't even wear half of my shoes because they were too painfully tight due to the swelling. Now my feet'll get slightly puffy on an odd random day, but it is definitely not the norm. I also used to get puffy fingers if I walked anywhere, but not any more.

5. Low back pain. Along with the weight and lack of exercises came chronic low back pain. I had to force myself to walk again, and I had to start slow, taking a break midway through even a 10-minute walk to do some yoga stretches. This is mostly gone. I attribute this success to exercise, although I've had acupuncture for it when it flares up.

So there you go. The new, healthier me.

Conception thoughts

I have a confession to make: I STILL haven't done anything about ordering the man-in-a-can frozen spermy goodness. So it's highly unlikely to make an appearance in March. I am now aiming for April. It's mostly to do with finances - my paycheck has dropped dramatically, mostly due to The Craziness at work. I have been promised that I will be paid some extra to make up for the fact that I couldn't do real work (which I get paid for) as opposed to lets-stop-the-whole-place-falling-apart work (that I don't normally get paid for). So I expect that at some point soon I'll get a check for that, and a tax rebate and then I'll be happy money-wise again.

But, it hasn't stopped me musing. Of course. Musing is what I do best. 

First of course I muse about the absolutely minimal possibility that this will work. Although I don't think it's a vanishingly small chance - after all, it's now been 9 months since I took IVF drugs (apart from that one month - when was it? August? - where I used some progesterone because my cycle was so screwed up). My cycle is as regular as clockwork again, and holy EWCM batman! I am losing weight (yay, the scale started moving again), I am exercising, I am back at acupuncture, I am eating a good diet, so I feel like I am in good shape health-wise. Plenty of women conceive at age 40. This week, in a brazen show of optimism, I even started back on a multivitamin. Not a prenatal, you understand. Just a regular multi, but I wanted to make sure I was getting enough folate and iron and all that good stuff. Anyway, all that is optimistic stuff. I feel like the drugs are all out of my system and I think that that's good for me. But of course we all know that it's a SLIM chance at best that I can get knocked up. I know this. And there's no need for you to remind me, Anonymous. I'm not expecting it to work by any means. I'm mostly doing it because I can, and because I don't want to regret not trying.

Then I muse about how OK I am with it NOT working. Conceiving used to be a NEED. Especially conceiving my own genetically related child. Now it is not. It would be nice, but I don't need it to happen. I will be fine if it doesn't. It's actually quite a shocking thing to have such thoughts.  I know that I can become a mother through adoption (or egg donation or whatever) and that is a comforting thought - it takes away the pressure about this little diversion. I am still intending at some point to adopt through the foster care system whether that's for a first child or a second child, I just have that back-burnered because of the difficulty of getting to the parenting classes right now. And in a way, it would be tremendously difficult and - dare I say it - inconvenient to have a child now. I am so busy. I couldn't manage to work as many hours as I do, AND go to school AND live as far away from the school as I do. If I somehow got knocked up I'd probably have to sell my house (in this market?), move in with my aunt and just work odd hours remotely. It's possible, but it'd be a major hassle. So sometimes I marvel at why I am even contemplating this.

But then, when it all comes down to it, I fundamentally believe deep down that it is still possible for me to conceive. That I might have one good egg in me somewhere and it's only a matter of finding it. So why not try to find it? Why not indeed.

I'm so tired of being fat

Sigh. You know how I wrote that I was nearly at the weight goal I set myself before signing up for match you-know-what? Yeah. I'm still at the same weight. I've been doing everything right, stepped up my exercise and am just bouncing around the same weight, give or take a pound. I know it's not a real plateau as it's only been 3 weeks (ish), but really. This is where I get very frustrated, and usually quit my weight loss efforts. I am NOT going to quit this time, because this time I am not starving myself so I am eating in a way that is sustainable for a long time. BUT I am very tired of being overweight. Very tired. I just wish it would go.

And I wish my tongue would de-puff, for goodness sake. We're starting to pay more attention to our tongues at acu school - we have a whole class on tongue diagnosis that we haven't got to yet so I don't know specifics, but I have got into the habit of looking at my tongue every day. I'm just trying to recognize the color because purple means one thing, red another, etc - apparently there is no "pink" in Chinese tongue diagnosis. And of course, ALL tongues look pink to me, so I'm trying to differentiate what the different hues are. Anyway, a puffy tongue, especially with teeth marks on the side, is fairly bad in that it means (I think) dampness, and the teeth marks mean spleen qi deficiency. Both of which are very often involved when you are overweight. So I'm stuck with this puffy tongue that seems too big to fit in the space alloted to it. And it is freakin' annoying me that I am eating well and it is not deflating much. It's gone down a little bit since my very first foray into acupuncture all those years ago, but not enough.

If there's one thing I will say to my IVF-sisters who are just starting out - don't believe anyone when they say that conceiving is the most important thing. Don't let people think you aren't serious about getting pregnant if you are also concerned about gaining weight. If you can handle not diving into a tub of ice cream to drown your sorrows, try to resist! I mean, if you HAVE to have a tub or three of ice cream, be my guest. Whatever it takes, right? Your sanity is more important than your waistline. But if you can keep your sanity and your waistline at the same time - stay strong, ladies, stay strong.

Lordy, time is flying

Life is going by in a blur. I am running at full speed all the time, and wow. I am not sure where the days go.

School is getting very interesting. The teachers are loosening up with us as they get to know us. The class is loosening up with each other - in fact we got told off today for being noisy. I was secretly glad we got told off, as I don't like loud chatter, but hey. I am at least glad that MOST of the class are really nice and friendly. And then the studying is also getting interesting, with lots of hints this week about energy medicine. And by energy I mean "Qi" - what is qi you ask? Well, I don't have a good translation - life force, or energy is the best. As one of the profs says, if your liver is in your body working away it is full of qi. If you cut it out and put it on the table, it is a piece of meat. It is dead because it has no qi. OK, OK, you might get all "it's dead meat because there's no blood circulation" with me but the theory goes that qi and blood zoom around together.

OK, so on to energy. We are doing qigong and taiji exercises to get our energy flowing. Professor after professor tells us that we should be doing qigong every day if we want to be good acupuncturists. One of the profs on Tuesday was talking about the energy of her patients, and how she can tell a lot when someone walks in the room. Some of it makes sense, as we've all had the "cut the tension with a knife" moments, or been able to tell that someone is angry just because of the vibes they are giving off. But these people go way further. And that makes me feel sometimes like I'm sitting in an x-ray machine!

Then another prof. did a healing on a student (not from our class) on Wednesday and invited one of my class in to watch. It was me! I am not sure why he asked me, but he didn't use needles, he used his fingers. And not acupressure either. I got the impression that he was sending qi down his fingers into the student. Did he ask me to show me the energy work, or did he just pick on me because I was the smart arse answering questions that day? Was I supposed to see this energy work and start paying more attention to this stuff? I tried to send out a healing vibe while I was in the room, but I doubt if I was much of a help.

And then today, we had this patient come in to class, and she had been in last week as well. I just feel so badly like I want her to be healed, because she is in constant pain. She had tears in her eyes today telling us about stuff. And as I listened and empathized I felt like I had all this energy going through me and my hands were getting hot, like we're told should happen in qigong. Ooh, I thought, maybe I am full of qi, maybe I've opened a couple of energy meridians or something! So I tried to send the healing energy her way. When we were watching her getting her acu treatment, one of the students from a higher class was there, making up some class time with us, and I noticed she was sitting weirdly and pointing her palm at the patient - aha! Sending qi! So I tried to do similarly. But this student got a treatment too, and she was all "I react SO strongly to the treatment" and saying how she feels the qi flowing. And someone asked a question about energy flow so she said to the teacher "ahh, she's one of us." One of us? One of us? One of us what? Aren't we ALL supposed to learn about this stuff, or is she saying that only certain people are gifted with heightened awareness of energy? It put me slightly on edge. Although intrigued.

It's like one thing after another is suddenly saying "pay attention to this qi stuff."

But sadly as we were walking out the arrogant jackass dude was all "that patient today was a hypochondriac. She could describe pain so minutely, in so much detail. Who does that? She's imagining it.Or maybe she has a mental problem." And I felt so annoyed with him. The poor woman has been in constant pain for 2 years and has been to doctor after doctor. She has probably had to describe the pain six ways from Sunday. Multiple times a day. No wonder she is precise when she says things, and not just "my legs kinda hurt."

And I certainly felt the angry energy well up as he was speaking! Grrrr. Again, I'm just going to try to be polite and say that I hope his thinking evolves. But really, what's the effing point of doing this if you think fat people are all fat because they don't exercise, and people in chronic pain are making it up? Really? Where's the effing empathy?

Snippets

Work is still bad, but I think this week will be better. Cutie acu gave me some herbs for the stress, so they seem to be helping.

I went down to see the family this weekend, so that was nice. I had a good time, although tiring, because I had so little time to see everyone that I felt like I had to cram in as much as possible. My second cousin was down from Toronto, and I'm formulating a plan to go visit her in the summer (she doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure I'll be welcome). I haven't been to Toronto for over a decade so it'll be nice to see it again.

Saw this billboard in Miami, near Little Havana: It was an H&R Block ad, with a picture of two ultra-dorky white guys, & said "Tambien hablamos ingles." It totally cracked me up. Miami really IS a different country.

Buckling

I'm really buckling under the strain at work at the moment. It is awful. I have grumped at a few people today, threatened to quit to my boss, and snapped that a couple of people should just be fired already. Sigh. Not a good day.

I know it's only temporary as we're going through some (major) transitions, but I just am not handling it well right now. Thank god there are no tests at school this week so I can coast and do the minimum amount of studying to keep up.

So much for being super healthy, eh. Having stress levels that are through the roof are surely no good for any body.

More tips

It seems that the professors I have on Tuesday and Saturday are the ones that are more apt to give advice. So the entire class is busy pumping them for information at every opportunity! Everyone else says that we'll have a whole semester on food therapy so we will learn everything then.

OK, so on the "no water with meals" thing. It's really ANY cold liquid that is bad. It is heavy and cold and mixes with the food and interferes with digestion. So ice cold sodas are out too. A SMALL amount of room temperature liquid is OK, but he said that you are better off having a cup of hot soup as an appetizer if you need to have liquids. Water should be drunk between meals. At room temperature. Or in tea. And don't drink lots of water right before you go to bed, or you'll have a puffy face.

More on dairy: dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt) should be strictly limited, and if you HAVE to have it, eat it in the morning. Only have organic dairy. The prof said that too much non-organic dairy is what is contributing to the big rise in prostate enlargement. OK, so that's not such a huge concern for most of us but it's an example of the bad things it does. It's OK for children to have more organic dairy but not adults.

Don't have raw/cold food in the evening. He said food in the evening should be cooked. Sorry, I can't remember why. It was something to do with not having too much cold stuff. He said if you really want to eat salads, have them at lunch.

Health tips from the professors

So, I'm trying to remember some of the health advice that the various professors have told us, in order to pass it on.

1. Put two glasses of water by your bed, and drink them before you get up. I have been trying to do this, but I use one 12 oz glass rather than two 8 oz glasses. Although sometimes I get up and pee (and get on the scale) first. It's supposed to be better for hydration to take the water on an empty stomach before you do anything.

2. Do not eat ice cream. Especially not if you have a tendency to be cold and/or overweight. Sorry, gals. This is a big one in Chinese medicine. The worst things you can eat are: ice cold things, dairy, and sugar. So ice cream is a perfect storm and is therefore verboten. Though I guess maybe if you're skinny and running a fever...?

3. Which brings me on to...no ice cold drinks. If you drink water, it should be room temperature.

4. Don't drink water with meals, or within 1 hour before or 2 hours after meals. I am being very sporadic with this one!

5. Green tea and ginseng don't work well together, as they cancel each other out - says one professor. Another professor drinks green tea with ginseng all day long, and says he doesn't worry about it. So I'm lost on this one.

6. Do Qi Gong. Or Tai Ji. Or anything else that encourages deep belly breathing like yoga, meditation, certain types of prayer.

7. Eat blueberries. OK, this one wasn't from a Chinese professor, but a US professor who is also a naturopathic physician.

Umm, that's all I can think of for now.

Not so skilled with comment moderation, akshully

I managed to delete some comments I didn't mean to delete. Sorry! Trying to figure out how to work it between the Blackberry and a few duplicate comments led to a couple of accidental deletions. So if you're wondering where your pithy bon mot went, ummm, sorry, it went to comment heaven. But I'm sure it's happy running around with the other dead comments. And there's rainbows there, and everything.

I turned comment moderation on due to the return of Anonymous. And yes, Anonymous, I do know it was you. Suggesting in a second comment that it might be someone else who was concerned about my mental health isn't going to fly when you use the same wording that you always use. And here's the other thing - nobody else IS concerned about my mental health, or if they are, they just look away and politely let me get on with the train wreck. Because, what's it to them? Nothing. They have better things to do with their lives.

Right. But it's staying on. I'm going to figure it out sooner or later.

The other OTHER plan

Just to confirm - the adoption plan is still on, by the way. I just don't have time to go to the parenting classes right now, because they are offering them at inconvenient times, so it's a little back burner-ed. But it's still very much ON. I just am simmering a few pots at once, that's all.

The OTHER plan

Oh yes, there's another plan. The real man plan. I decided early in January (after realizing that perhaps acu school doesn't have the largest selection of guys, nor easy socializing) that I would rejoin that dating site that has a name like a small piece of wood you strike on a box to make fire with. Arr. Subtlety has always been my strong point.

Anyhoo. I set myself not a date target by which I would sign up, but a weight target. In that once I got down to a certain weight, I'd get me some nice new photos and set myself up a profile. I decided to make myself lose a few pounds first because I don't want to make any excuses about being insecure about the size of my butt and not do this! 2009 is the no excuse year. Well, I stepped on the scale this morning, and while I'm not quite there yet, it's within 2 pounds and more importantly, I'm in the lower "decade" at last. So, as I already have a trip planned for next weekend to see the family (gramps is over from Blighty, and second cousin is down from Canada), I have decided to take my camera and make people take lots of pics of me. While I take lots of pics of them too. Hopefully I will get a good one or two that will be somewhat flattering.

Eek!

Doing better

I am now able to walk normally, or, at least, appear to to anyone else. It still twinges when I do that, but at least it doesn't hurt. My hip is doing much better. Sadly, I was limping at work yesterday and had to tell the tale of injuring myself while sleeping to several people. It was a tad embarrassing, especially when my friend P. said "Dude, you have got to get in shape. You gave yourself a bedsore!" Haha, thanks very much. I did not and do not have a bedsore. But, yes, perhaps I need to step it up on the exercise front.

Anyway, I want to announce that I am resurrecting the man-in-a-can plan. Maybe. Probably. Who knows. I've got to get motoring on getting the paperwork done, and then maybe I'll be ready to squirty up the clacker in March/April. Heh. Squirty up the clacker. I think that's an Elowyn original phrase that always stuck in my mind. And for God's sake, please, no comments about how pointless it is. I know, all right? But if I want to waste a few months trying in a stress free way with my last potentially viable eggs, then it's my own damn look out.

Walking wounded

I managed to injure myself in my sleep on Friday night. Yup. I'm not even safe in my own bed.

See, Friday night it was coooolllld. But I had my window open because I didn't realize how cold it would get. And I was exhausted from all the stressful shit going on with the craziness at work. So my alarm went off on Saturday morning and I was curled up in a fetal position on my left hand side bundled under the covers. And I don't think I had moved at all. All night. Because my left hip was completely numb. I jumped in the shower and gradually got the circulation going again, but as I was puttering around making breakfast, I found that walking was pretty damn excruciatingly painful actually. My ride came to pick me up (yay carpooling) and I hobbled out to the car. Sitting was OK, but as I got out of the car, everything had completely seized up and I could barely put one foot in front of the other. And so the day went on. I'd hobble painfully around, loosen it up a bit, then have to sit at a desk for an hour and a half and it would seize up again. And my hip started getting really cold too. I kept rubbing it, but it wasn't really helping. I started to fear that I'd killed part of my hip because of cutting off circulation all night.

Of course, the yoga teacher/personal trainer classmate guy scoffed at my thought that I'd hurt myself while sleeping, exclaiming that you can't injure yourself while sleeping and that I must have injured it the day before and not noticed. And then kept going on about how I should do some exercise. Oh, and he didn't mean that I should do some stretches to loosen my hip up right now, I'm sure he meant that I should do some exercise not to be such a fat fuck. I almost punched him but pointed out that I walk 6 days a week and do yoga once a week. OK, so it's not running marathons and I probably should do more but it's enough for basic health, I think. Gah. I am going to be polite here and say that I hope his thinking evolves during our course. But that's the second time he's seemed incredulous that anybody who's overweight already does exercise. And, while I'm ranting, I wish he'd stop asking every single one of our teachers if they recommend exercise to their patients. A) it's annoying, and B) he's not going to be very successful if the first thing out of his mouth is "you need to run 3 miles a day to lose weight" when someone comes in to his office with a bit of shoulder pain.

After school finished for the day, I asked if we could stop and get a heat pad before heading back home, so I could start warming my hip up as quickly as possible. And then I called my personal physical therapist (my aunt) for some advice. Lordy, I howled with pain doing the gentle stretching and movement exercises she recommended! I went to bed at a new record low....7.45pm, wrapped up with three heat pads, and with the bed piled high with sofa pillows so I couldn't roll onto my left.

This morning it is a lot better, but still painful and not right. I am still limping. I don't think I can manage yoga even though that might be the best thing for it, but I really don't think I could keep up with the class. I'll try to just keep gently moving it every now and then.

Sigh. And no, I didn't ask one of my teachers to stick a few needles in it as most of my classmates were suggesting. I dunno, that just doesn't seem right to me to expect free healthcare from the teachers and to interrupt their breaks to make them do some work. But I might make a quick acu appointment for Monday if my acu has an opening on his schedule if it doesn't clear up.