Feeling the grief

I am allowing the grief over this cycle to wash over me in fits and starts. It seems to come in waves - sometimes it seems more than I can bear, and sometimes it is just a dull ache. Most of the time I have to squash it back down as I need to be at work and can't turn into a blubbering mess at any moment of the day. But when I am alone I am letting it come. I am letting myself heave and sob and gasp for breath with the very effort of it all. I am going to try not to completely numb myself with alcohol (at least, not every night) so that I can work through this grief properly.

Sometimes it just crushes me when I think of my family. About my parents' genes not going forward into future generations. About my maternal grandparents' genes not going forward. Hell, even my maternal grandmother's parents may stop here. Some of that is due to war, to early accidental deaths, and in the present day it is due to mental illness, to the failure to find a partner and to choosing not to have children. But I was trying for them. I was trying to make sure my sweet Granny and my dear Father and Mother carried on into the future. And I failed. I turned out to be infertile because I left it too late.

And I sob and weep and it feels like people are dying all over again.

And then I think about things, and realize that some of this is pure chance and none of us have any clue as to whether we are going to contribute to the future of humanity after all. And I look at my cousins who look nothing at all like my lovely Granny so I think how silly it is of me to grieve her genetics when really it is her sweet nature and loving kindness and history that needs to be carried forward. Who can say what my cousins have of Granny, except that they remember her ways and loved her for it. And that doesn't need a genetic connection at all. And on that I think I am slowly making progress. But it has taken a stopping, a getting off of the train that was propelling me forward to be able to really feel that. I knew it intellectually but I didn't know if I could make the leap to know it in my heart. It is still a feeling that is deeply painful right now but I know that the pain will dull over time and I will be able to move forward at some point. I don't yet know what I will be moving forward into but I know that life, and our family, can go on if I choose.

Liver talk

Hello world!

This is Liver posting. I have taken over control of Fingers from Brain so I can work this computer thing. I am not very happy with Brain today, because last night she poisoned me mercilessly with that red wine stuff. I am all clogged up and having to work overtime to clear all the toxins, and it's just not fair, I tell you. Nor am I very happy with Ovaries, because they are the reason that Brain felt the need to poison me in order to protect Heart from feeling all the hurt. I suspect that Brain wanted to check out too because she was having to do too much thinking. Who was thinking of me though? Always having to clean up after everyone else's messes? Nobody, that's who.

Most of the time we all coexist fairly peacably - in recent years Brain has curbed the excesses she used to put me through, what with the late night partying and the coffee drinking. I know Heart wasn't too happy with all that, as she used to enjoy going out and having fun but we all agreed that having a baby was more important than all that. But it means that I am just not used to handling so much alcohol all at once any more, so it freakin' annoys me that they can't get their act together and have just one glass and call it a day. I know Skull is also pretty unhappy today as I feel this dull pounding from all her whining and complaining. Eyes tell me that they feel pretty gritty too, and Kidneys are starting to complain as well. I mean, sure, Eyes had a lot of work to do yesterday, what with the crying and all, but I think all those other organs are just prima donnas when it's always me having to do the lion's share of the work.

I will get my revenge though. I know that Brain has been assigned a lot of extra work trying to figure out what we're all going to do next. Ha ha, I know, I'll send up a bout of biliousness every time she thinks about Ovaries' failure to produce any good eggs lately. That'll teach her.

Humph. Wish I could control Fingers more often. It'd be nice to bypass everyone else's complaints about having a shot of wheatgrass every now and then to keep myself ticking along. Mind you, Gag reflex would probably still get in my way though, and it might be too much for me to control all those systems at once. A Liver can only do so much, after all.

OK, better go. Gotta make some more cholesterol from that fatty cheese that got eaten along with the wine. There's never any rest for me around here.

Love,
Liver

Results

Today's beta was 6. Annoyingly, because it was not completely negative, I am supposed to repeat the bloodwork one more time so they can track it down to zero. I asked if it was absolutely necessary, and they said yes because they have to make sure it's not ectopic or something weird, but the nurse did say I could just do the beta without the progesterone and estrogen so that will at least make it cheaper.

But there you are. Another chemical.

The end

I tried to remain hopeful, I really did. I went to acupuncture, he did anti-miscarriage points, I spoke to the embryo and tried to get it to be a healthy, strong embryo. I tried, people, I tried.

I bought some tests on the way home from work last night, and got a positive digital and a nice line on the Fact Plus. After it dried, I decided it was darker than Monday's test. I was cautiously optimistic.

Until, that is, I tested this morning. The digital said "not pregnant" and the dye test had the merest faintest smudge, kind of like my 13DPO test. How it went from nicely positive to crap in 12 hours, I don't know, but it did it. And then I looked again at yesterday's test - which then looked slightly fainter than Monday's. So clearly I was either fooling myself or even the dye gave up the effort, just like my eggs have done. I know, it's not official until the beta, which will come out this afternoon, but I would put a lot of money down that I know what the result is going to be.

So that's that. The end of hope. The end of the road for IVF's with my own eggs. Done. Finished. Kaput.

I am going to make an appointment straight away to do the FET with the one frozen embryo left from IVF #2. I do have one vial of donor sperm left, although it's an IVF-only vial with a reduced number of motile sperm. Still, I'm thinking of asking the RE if I can combine a low dose follistim cycle to use up my leftovers, an IUI with the crappy sperm, and an FET with the solo embryo that might not survive the thaw, all in one cycle. Kind of like the fertility version of bubble and squeak. Not that most of you yanks know about bubble and squeak, but there you go. The RE probably won't go for it, but then again, he might if he takes pity on me.

And then I will be finished with fertility treatments, I think. I want to do the FET quickly so I can close the door on this chapter of my life and walk away. At least, that's the plan. Donor eggs are amazing and wonderful but I do not feel drawn to using them. Adoption is a tricky one as well, because I'm not eligible to do an international adoption as a non-US citizen and domestic adoption just seems fraught with difficulties. However, I am debating going back to England, mostly because I'm sick of waiting around for the immigration people to let me change jobs but also partly because that would open up international adoption to me - so that's an option I can consider.

For now, though, I am pretty miserable. I was never supposed to be one of those infertile women, damn it. And even then, the miracle of IVF was supposed to work. But I have to face facts, and it is just not worth putting myself through more cycles when my eggs clearly aren't up to it. And even though I've been slowly facing this end for quite some time, it still hurts terribly to be here.

Another chemical, looks like.

Sigh.

Beta was 16.6.

Mini post

I just reduced the number of posts that show on the main page, to get the formatting back to normal, so that's where the older posts went. I just couldn't stand looking at it all messed up any more.

OK, back to wondering how I am going to last out until the beta result comes through.

Beta day

Well, this morning's test was darker, but still faint.

Here's a shot of yesterday's test vs. today's.



You can juuuuust make out the line on today's test, which is the bottom one. They are better in person, but not spectacular. Sigh. I just hope the beta gives me a good number. The blood is drawn, and now the wait. I am pretty damn anxious.

ETA - photoshopped to within an inch of its life by Cali, who is much more advanced on these things than me:

Criminy

Posting from my Blackberry really does a number on the blog formatting. Ugh. And it'll take a week before it gets back to normal. I know, I know, I should have bought myself a new laptop for home before now so I could post properly, but I didn't, so shoot me. Please bear with me while I have an ugly blog. Oh, OK, for all you fancy types that have got nice banners and things, uglier than normal.

I took some photos of my tests, but you can't see a second line in any of them. So there's no point posting really. You'll just have to trust me. God, I hope tomorrow brings a nicer second line and a fabulous beta.

I spent much of the day today spending an obscene amount of money on new clothes. Now, you may think that having had a potentially good HPT I would not immediately rush out and buy things that I hope won't fit me in a couple of months. But you'd be wrong. It's kind of like the theory I have that if you go out with your umbrella, it won't rain. If I hold off from buying new clothes, I won't be pregnant, but if I do buy them, well, hopefully I'll get the result I am praying for. But do I go out and buy one new pair of pants or maybe one top? Nooo, I ended up buying two pairs of knickers, two camisoles, a pair of pants, a sweater, a silk top, a jacket, a necklace and a pair of shoes. Yup, I really did spend an obscene amount of money. The silk top was a steal at $29.95, marked down from $128 but apart from the pants being on sale everything else was, uh, not a steal. Oh well. It was good retail therapy.

Anyway, in lieu of pictures of pregnancy tests, here are my lovely new shoes! They are a deep red color and oh-so-shiny!



Better shoe views here without my feet in the way.

13 days post egg retrieval

Never one to let a sleeping test lie, I of course took apart yesterday's test to investigate further under the brightest light I have in the house. At certain angles, if you de-focused your eyes and held it just so, there was the merest whisper of a vanishingly faint suggestion of an accumulation of dye where the second line might want to hang out. And after 3 hours further drying/development time I thought a fellow eagle-eyed TTCer might also be able to see it. Not a normal person, though. You'd really have to want to see it, and need to have had lots of practice with tests to pick it up.

Having been chastised earlier in the day for buying crap tests (a first response and a CVS digital) I did buy another brand (fact plus) yesterday so this morning I attacked my pee with three sticks in hand.

The digital of course said "Not Pregnant" in that nasty way we all hate in the bleary eyed morning. Of course.

But you know, I do declare that the other two have faint second lines. And I mean FAINT. Super faint. I'm not sure how successful a photo would be at picking them up, they're that feeble, but I might try later after further drying (assuming the lines don't evaporate, that is).

Let's just say that I'm keeping the drowning-my-sorrows vodka on ice for one more day.

Negative

'Nuff said.

T minus one

I am in full despondency mode. I hate people, I hate the world, I hate everything about it and I hate that I can't get pregnant. Oh sure, I know that I could very well BE pregnant, but I just don't feel it, and that has me despairing. Of course, I'm basing the whole "feeling pregnant" thing on previous failed cycles, not actual cycles that resulted in a real, ongoing pregnancy, so I do know logically that it's all bogus really. I can't stop myself, though, especially as I felt pregnant earlier in the week and now don't. I can't help thinking that yet again a plucky little embryo tried to implant and then failed.

I was reading some literature this morning that said that the average percentage of chromosomal abnormality of eggs in women in the 40-45 year age group is about 30%. As a 39 year old, one would hope that my rate of chromosomal abnormality is a little shy of this, but as an infertile I accept that my rate must be higher than normal. Let's even say it's 50%. So why then can't I get at least one or two normal embryos? I've had 16 embryos transferred back to me, so why isn't at least one of them chromosomally normal? You would think even with shitty odds that you're bound to hit a good one eventually. But maybe not, eh?

The back pain turned out to be regular common-or-garden back pain. I had some inflamed muscles on my back, so it definitely wasn't referred pain from uterine cramps or anything. I called for an emergency acupuncture appointment and went home early yesterday because I just couldn't function any more. And dear sweet cutie acu worked a miracle on me. It still hurts a little bit, but not much, and I can walk! And stand up straight! Both of which I was not able to do for most of yesterday. Cutie acu was quite funny though, he was all "so, you go to New York, come back with a limp and end up pregnant...you KNOW what people are going to think!". And I say "let 'em". If I could actually be pregnant it would make me chortle immensely if people think it's because I had so much wild sex that I put my back out.

But I have spent most of the morning wondering what I am going to do if this cycle fails. I will definitely do the frozen embryo transfer with that lonely little embryo that is in the freezer from my 2nd cycle. And then. Well, this is where it gets tough. Because of seeing the new agey lady who read my akashic records, I now believe that I am supposed to have a child. But I am more and more turned off by this whole process, and the thought of donor eggs or adoption just scares me and doesn't feel like something I want to do. I kind of feel like that is my line in the sand, and that I just don't want to continue trying at that point. So I would stop it all there and live child free if there wasn't this "supposed to" karmic life plan thing going on that the akashic records implied. Sure, I could do another cycle at Big Clinic, but the logistics of taking time off work and devoting mental energy to it is too much to think about. I even thought this morning of just quitting work, selling the house and going back to England with my tail between my legs. After doing one more cycle in between the time I quit and the time I get kicked out the country for overstaying my welcome. Or I guess I could take a leave of absence from work, but then everybody has to be involved and frankly everything has sucked the life out of me so much that I have no desire to ever do this line of work again. So why cling on just to stay in the country when there's no frickin' point anyway?

Oh well, all of this is, we know, moot if the cycle has in fact worked. So I will be peeing on a stick in the morning. It'll be 12DPO, so any result should be accurate. And then it's the beta on Monday. And then presumably utter amazement and joy, or hitting the booze. Life seems very binary all of a sudden.

Creaky bones

Thank you for sitting and waiting with me, and keeping the hope alive. Me? It's all I can do not to go straight back to bed, but that's because my lower back is hurting. A lot.

It was hurting a bit on Monday, which I put down to the flight and various delays on Sunday. No biggie, I figured it would go away. I am clearly just getting old. Tuesday was excruciating. I had to take some extra strength Tylenol, which didn't help all that much, as I find Tylenol is not all that great for muscular pain, but whatever, it's all that we're allowed to take so I sucked it up. I figured I should have done some yoga stretches on Monday, and shouldn't have been wearing heels. I thought it would go away. Yesterday it was a lot better. Yay for yoga stretches. Except I foolishly wore heels again. And you've guessed it, today it is back to excruciating.

Anyhoo, I am hobbling around like an octogenarian. So that's pleasant.

I went to my local clinic this morning for a progesterone draw, and they mis-read my prescription from Big Clinic and were going to do a beta. Oh, I so hesitated when they presented me with the label for the tube of blood to check and sign. You KNOW I had visions of not saying anything and scoring an early beta with early results. But I am honest to a fault, not to mention cheap. And let's face it, they do betas at 14DPO and later for a reason, as that's the most reliable time for results. So I told them they'd mis-read and no HCG was needed for today. Pathetically honest I am, I am, patheticaly honest I am.

So, no testing for me. No peeing on sticks either. I may test on Saturday but there's a part of me that would rather not know. You know, this was the cycle that was supposed, nay destined, to work. This was the last shot with my own eggs. I was confident(ish) that the universe would finally come through for me. And now? Not so much. I am firmly in doom and gloom mode. So there's a part of me that would rather extend the potential, the possibility, that it could have worked for a teensy bit longer.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here

Yup, practically as soon as I posted yesterday the hope started evaporating and the despair started creeping in.

It was worsened by a complete absence of crazy dreams, after 5 or so straight nights of them. And deflated boobs. And an absence of "feeling" it.

None of which makes a bit of difference, of course. I know this. I know that I am in prime despair time when it's really too early to test and yet you're sick of not knowing. I know all this, and it doesn't stop me from despairing. Hopefully I'll have another wild swing back to optimistic very shortly but for now despair is settling in.

Off the topic somewhat, I went to the dentist this morning for a cleaning and found out that one of my fillings has fallen out. I'd noticed in NY that that tooth looked weird and wondered if it could possibly have fallen out, but decided that there was no way that could happen without me knowing it or feeling it or being in pain. But it had and I didn't feel a darn thing. In my defense, it was a white filling so it wasn't as obviously gone as a mercury one would be, but I guess I swallowed it at some point. Nice. So there I was, checking out and making the appointment to have the filling put back in, and the receptionist asked me if I wanted an appointment this year or next year. Que? Next year? So I pointed out that I had a filling that had fallen out and maybe we should act fairly quickly to put a new one in before it caused me lots of pain? Just maybe? Weird. She said that some people get so crazy in December with the holidays that they can't seem to handle any appointments at all. Well, maybe I'm just odd but much as I dislike going to the dentist I kind of would rather have the filling back in than sit through Christmas dinner in pain.

I'm not even going to share last night's dream

It was quite bizarre. Except I still didn't get to a happy ending before the alarm went off! Nearly, though. Nearly.

I went to see cutie acu last night, who said I felt pregnant to him. Not sure what that means, exactly, and he couldn't really explain it but I liked hearing it even though of course I said "well, it's probably too early to tell, really" in order to throw a protective layer around my heart. But here's the thing, I'm going to admit it, I feel pregnant too. I know, I know, it's only 8DPO, it's too early to tell, and a lot of the time I am very unsure about my feelings and am denying to myself that I feel anything at all. And, it really doesn't mean anything at this stage anyway, but this time I decided to throw it out there to the universe and own up. I would say that out of three years of trying, I have felt pregnant on maybe 4 or 5 cycles, not that I've dared say that out loud to many people before. And have even flat out denied it sometimes when asked. And when other people say they just "know" that they are not pregnant, I have often said they can't possibly "know" because you always read of women who "knew" their cycle didn't work when it did. But, well, OK, there was some lying going on there.

On only one of those 4 or 5 cycles did I get any official confirmation with a low positive beta which turned into a chemical, so any rational scientific person would say that me feeling pregnant (or rather, different) means nothing. However, on three of those cycles I had faint positive home pregnancy tests that turned negative later on before the beta. On a couple of cycles I had acupuncturists tell me I had slippery pulses which are usually indicative of pregnancy. So I would say that to me having a feeling of maybe something being up means that something tried to happen, even if it didn't manage to implant properly or progress very far. Which at the end of the day, as we all know, means nothing. Trying and failing to implant does not get me a baby.

But at least it's a hopeful sign that I am not convinced (yet) that this cycle totally didn't work. I shall try to remind myself of that as I slip into despair mode in the next few days, as usually happens.

Oh the dreams

There's one side effect from all the crazy hormones that I actually don't mind during IVF cycles, and that's the weird dreams. OK, so I may be odd, but it's quite entertaining not knowing what bizarro dreams I'm going to have when I get to bed at night. I quite enjoy them, really. Not that I could tell you exactly what I have been dreaming each night, as I don't remember. Just that they have been weird.

Except last night, I do remember some things. Now, the crazy dreaming may also have had something to do with the fact that I didn't arrive back home until 9.30pm and then immediately got a Chinese takeout. And I tried to stay up a little bit so that I would have some time to digest my food, but I was tired. So I probably was digesting food way too late. But having said that, it's probably the hormones that are driving things.

So, where was I? Oh yes, there I was, enjoying some weird episode or other, and I dreamt that there was a man standing over my bed. Which caused me to immediately scissor upwards - sticking my head up to see the man properly and to be able to turn the light on and realize there was no man there after all, and obviously, sticking my legs up to kick the fucker square on the chin. Hey, watch out intruders if you ever do get in for reals. But the act of such sudden scissoring caused me a nasty cramp in my lower belly which I then bitterly regretted for a few minutes before calming myself down that acrobatic maneuvers probably didn't dislodge the embryos after all.

But then once I fell asleep again I had a nice dream, involving that guy who played Denny on Gr*y's Anatomy. Not that I found him attractive while the show was on, and in fact, kept wondering what Izzy saw in the guy, but I saw him in a trailer for something or other the other day and suddenly realized what the fuss was all about. And unfortunately, we were just getting it on when my damn alarm went off. Maybe tomorrow my timing will be better.

Bored and trying to be happier

I am not very good at bedrest. Even when it is self-imposed. I'm bored and itching to go to Starbucks. Yes, Starbucks. Shoot me. But in my defense, I am addicted to their Chai tea, not their coffee.  So that's not so much caffeine, eh?  But I promised myself that I would loll in bed and that's what I'm going to try to do.

Anyway, on to the important news. I transferred 4 embryos. I had two 10 cells and two 8 cells. And a 4 cell. They didn't feel that it was worth transferring the 4 cell so I agreed even though it's hard leaving it behind as it's highly unlikely to make it to freezing.

I feel like I should be ecstatic. I have never ever had any 10 celled embryos. And to have four make it to the 8 celled stage is amazing. In three retrievals at my old clinic, I had two 8 celled embryos out of a total of 14.  In two retrievals at Big Clinic I have had six 8+ celled embryos out of 7. Big difference, huh?

But. And here's the but. I am weirdly not ecstatic. To me the embryos look pretty fragmented. It is hard to look at a photo of a sad and (dare I say it) ugly embryo and be able to imagine it working out. The RE said they were "good" because they were less than 25 percent fragmented. It's hard for me to see how they came up with that and makes me wonder if they just said that to make me feel better or if they really are OK.

So. There we are. The 5 of us are hanging out being bored. And hoping and praying for a good outcome.

Hanging around aimlessly

Just hanging around New York today. You would think that I should be out enjoying my two days of real vacation in between ER and ET, but no. Instead I am consumed with errands such as booking my flight home, booking an acupuncture appointment, taking a bag of clothes to the UPS store to ship them home (thus making room in the suitcase for the shopping) and all that jazz. Besides, I just can't be arsed to go and sight see or anything like that. Lame, I know, but then I never promised to be anything BUT lame.

I decided to go home on Sunday, which gives me yet another day after transfer to rest, so I shall be lolling around the hotel from Thursday to Saturday, not doing very much at all. Well, I shall be filling in a questionnaire but that's hardly a lot of work. I am taking part in two research studies at Big Clinic this cycle (I was in one last time). Unfortunately, they're not the type of research studies we all want to be in, preferably sponsored by a drug company, where we get free meds or something. No, they do not bring me any benefit whatsoever but instead may benefit people in the future. In the first one (that I also participated in last time), they are taking the immature eggs that would otherwise be discarded, seeing if they can replace the nuclei with nuclei from egg donors (or at least, younger women) and seeing what happens. It might lead to some sort of hybrid donor egg type situation thing, which might be more palatable I guess. Or something. To be honest, I didn't even read the consent form this time around so I have forgotten exactly what they are trying to do. The other study is on the impact of activity in the week after transfer on success rates. I don't have to actually modify what I do or am planning to do, but just have to document how much exercise I do, whether it is strenuous exercise or moderate exercise, any flights, how many hours I spend lying or sitting around, how many hours standing, etc. I am guessing that mine will come out as one of the more sedentary questionnaires! At least for those first few days, before I go home, although it will be interesting to see what impact the flights have on those of us that travel for our cycles.

I am still a bit undecided on whether to transfer all 5 embryos or not (assuming they are all still alive tomorrow, of course). I think on balance that I will do it if they let me. I mean, with my history of dismal failures I hardly think I am at risk of higher order multiples so it's probably a risk worth taking. And I just want it to work this time, damn it! But I shall see what the RE and embryologist say tomorrow. If they strenuously argue against it, then I will transfer fewer. I can take a hint sometimes, you know!

And just a quick final word - thank you for all your kind words and good luck wishes! I think they help, I really do, so I am very grateful for them. Mwah! Smoochies to you all!

Fertilization report

I got the dreaded call. Out of the 14 eggs retrieved, 7 were mature and 5 fertilized. While I'd like more, I'm still pretty happy with 5. I mean, last time I had 2 so this is more than double the number to play with.

So, transfer is on Thursday. I may transfer all 5 if they let me. I mean, I've had 12 transferred up to now and none of those have stuck, so why not go for broke?

Holy freakin' cow!

Sweet baby Jaysus, I just had 14 eggs retrieved! Who'd a thunk it?

Hey, come pick on me!

Today has been officially designated as "pick on Sarah day". So go on, have at it. Everyone at Big Clinic has already had a good go, so now I am throwing it out to the blogosphere. Take your best shot!

I triggered last night at 11.40. Yay me! My estrogen was 1121 which is not spectacular, although I keep trying to remember that Big Clinic triggers me a day or two earlier than my old clinic, based on follicle sizes, so that I shouldn't be just dividing the number by 200 and whining that I'll "only" get 6 eggs. I will be happy with whatever I get, I promise you, but I'm still secretly hoping for 8-10.

The first snag in the works was that my fellow out of town buddy who I'd asked to sign me out of egg retrieval as my responsible adult also triggered last night. So we're going to retrieval on the same day. Which is awesome for having someone nice to chat with in the waiting room, but now means that her husband is signing us both out. And of course the nurse today didn't like that idea when I foolishly decided to check if that was OK. I mean, we are one after the other for our retrieval times, we are staying in the same hotel, one floor apart and I've done plenty of other retrievals that I have been just fine after. I do not anticipate any issues. But of course the nurse was all "don't you have any friends?" in an incredulous voice. Uh, not in New York lady, no. I'm not from around here. Well, I'm sure other of my Big Clinic buddies would be willing to sign me out if I asked, but I'm not about to. Then when she realized we were one after the other, she asked if I'd planned it that way to get adjacent retrieval times. Huh? Like I can plan which retrieval times you pick?? Eventually she relented after I stood there looking dumb and giving her my best Paddington Bear stare.

The next snag was that I had not apparently signed my donor sperm consent. Now, I've noticed with Big Clinic and consent forms that basically they use an accusatory tone of voice every time you don't hand in your consent forms on time. Like you fed them to your dog, or burned them in a ritualistic pyre or something. They can't seem to comprehend that perhaps, just maybe, they didn't actually give you the forms to sign. So eventually the nurse wandered off and found the form, and gave it to me to sign. Which I did, and handed them straight back. Like I have done with every single freakin' other consent that they've ever given me. Still not sure why I have to consent to treatment with donor sperm when that is what I asked to do, but you know, what-evah.

Then the nurse wanted me to go to Andrology to alert them that I am doing egg retrieval tomorrow so they'll have the sperm ready. Although they already know this, as I was called yesterday when they told me to make sure I signed the damn donor sperm consent form, and when they gave me a hard time about only having one vial. I know, I know that clinics prefer to have 2 vials available for IVF. But my donor is now sold out, and as this is my last cycle I am not about to waste $1000 and mental energy choosing another donor and obtaining two vials. They can damn well use up the vial left over from my last cycle. In every other cycle there has never been a problem with the thaw, and if there is this time, well, it's MY risk to take, isn't it, that the cycle could be cancelled. So, off I trotted to Andrology. And the lab tech was all "why on earth did they send you over today, the day before retrieval?" Ummm, don't know. Sorry, not psychic. And then she proceeded to give me a hard time, again, about only having one vial of sperm. The Paddington Bear stare came out again. I stood and listened to the lecture about needing to have two vials, and how I should always have two vials and it is a requirement. Blankness emanated from me. I was quite proud of myself actually. I can look remarkably vacant when needed. In the end she wore herself out and admitted that it was too late to do anything about it and they'd just have to work with what they had. Yup. That's the plan, baby. That's the plan.

So, please think hopeful thoughts that nothing will go wrong with retrieval and that my frozen sperm will be in good shape and they will not cancel me for having no sperm available. I have thought of stopping any random med student I can find on the street and asking them to be my sperm donor backup, but maybe I'll keep that in mind for tomorrow just in case.

I might be triggering tonight!

Nice growth from yesterday, so I'm just waiting for the call.

In other news, after watching the What Not to Wear marathon on TLC, I was inspired enough to go out and buy myself a complete outfit. I figure given that it fits while all IVF-bloated it'll still fit me while pregnant (hah! The unashamed optimism) or I'll lose tons of weight and will be skinny so won't mind it being too big. Yeah right to either of those. But I think I look cute in it, so that's the main thing. Of course, my suitcase is stuffed to the gills already so I've no actual idea how to pack it to get it home. I may be mailing stuff to myself at this rate!

Happy Talk, keep talking...

I had a great ultrasound today, so I'm doing the happy dance. The biggest follicle didn't grow much overnight (it is now 16mm, well, 15x17) but the smaller ones caught up. AND I could see more folllicles on the screen today. I mean, don't tell anyone I said this, but I think I might be in with the chance of 8-10. The only weirdness was that the RE said that I might trigger tomorrow. Which seems too early given the size of my follicles and my estrogen level. I know they are the experts and I am trying very hard to leave the worrying up to them, but sometimes it is difficult not to second guess. I really hope that they allow me to stim an extra day and let me trigger on Sunday, though.

Physically things are getting tougher. I've got that squicky feeling I get while stimming, like I'm oozing estrogen out of every pore and can't get quite clean enough. You know, like with a bad hangover without the headache or the fun. And then my ovaries are kind of sore all the time now, not just when I've been walking or have a full stomach, and the pain is radiating to my lower back. It'll all be worth it if it ends up being a good cycle, of course, but you know. I'm kind of tired of it already. And it's not even as if my estrogen is very high. It has been 25, 112, 212, 351 and 445 yesterday (assuming I'm looking at the right set of numbers - Big Clinic uses two scales, and it's hard to tell which is the usual scale).

Anyhoo, I have acupuncture this afternoon, so hopefully that will help. And I have plenty of naps planned for my future so that is always a good thing to do.

Tofurkey day

Well, it was a lot of fun seeing the parade balloons, but I definitely underestimated just how many kids there would be there. The place was overrun with the little buggers...er, darlings. My ovaries had started to hurt as well, so walking around was a bit difficult. Then I got the call to go to Big Clinic in the morning, so there went the vague plans I had to actually see the parade itself. No way in hell was I going to go through morning monitoring and then make it to within a mile of the parade route by 9am. No matter, IVF is more important!

The wanding went back to being unsatisfactory. Today's RE is of the "only measure the top 2 follicles on each side" school. So I know that my largest is 15.5mm and the next largest is 15mm and not much else. I definitely saw three follicles on the left, and wasn't sure on the right. Maybe 4, maybe 5. Whatever. I had a nice cushy lining too so it's all chugging along. The RE said that he thought it would be a couple more days, which is fine by me.

I know my estrogen must be rising too, because holy EWCM batman! That particular side effect has hit!

Thanksgiving itself has been a bit blah. I always really enjoy our Thanksgiving picnic in Miami, and it makes me sad to miss it. But it turned into a small one anyway, as my cousin is away, my aunt's husband just had surgery and various other people are away (including me, of course). So maybe I'm not missing so much after all. Still, I'd rather not be here alone watching TV but I know that this was the only month that worked out for IVF for the remainder of the year so there wasn't much of a choice in the matter. I hope everyone else out there is having a good one.

Chugging along

Well, my prediction skills failed me (again). They wanted me on the same dose but also wanted me back in this morning for another look-see. This morning went well, though, as they measured 7 follicles. Yay! One is at 14.5 and the next largest is 12pointsomething. I am hoping they will let that larger one get a little overmature in order to allow as many as possible of the others to catch up. Hopefully.

OK, sorry for the lame short post, but I've got lots to do. Got to rush off to pick up more meds, and then I am going to see them blow the parade balloons up.

Wand me baby, one more time

Hey! Guess what? They wanted me to stay on the same meds last night. Am I good at predicting things, or what? But they also wanted me in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork, so the estrogen level must have been climbing a bit. And when I saw it on the screen this morning, it had indeed climbed - from 29 or so to 199.

So I am now duly wanded, and I have to say, I find the ultrasounds at Big Clinic deeply unsatisfying. Not that I expect that kind of satisfaction from a dildocam. Ahem. No, I want to see measurements, I want every follicle lovingly counted and quantified. I want every follicle to matter. No such luck. I mean, sure, you have an RE do the ultrasound, which was not the case at my old clinic, but the RE spends as little time as humanly possible in the room and only measures the biggest follicles. So I had two on the right and two on the left measured. The biggest is 13.5mm, I had two at 11pointsomething and one at 10pointsomething. And then there were a few more - how many? How big? Don't know. I got a glimpse of maybe 3 more on the right, and maybe 4 more on the left but it was so hard to see in the nanosecond of time available to me.

13.5 is a tad bigger than I would like, especially if I have a few under 10mm. But it's not outrageously big so hopefully it won't take off and become monstrously large and dominant like usual. Hopefully long lupron is doing its job and the big one won't overwhelm the smaller ones. In all, I'm fairly pleased at how it is going.

And my prediction for today's instructions? I'm going with dropping the follistim to 225 iu (or maybe staying at 300), keeping the menopur at 150 iu and back on Thursday for the next ultrasound.

Cash strapped

Well, I'd like to report a nice uneventful clinic visit, but that would be lying. Oh, not that there's anything wrong with my follicles or anything like that. In fact, I've no idea how my follicles are doing because I didn't have an ultrasound - just bloodwork. And I'm waiting for the call based on the bloodwork, but not holding my breath for anything dramatic (I'd give even odds that the instructions will be "stay on the same meds for another day").

But I went to try to pay for my cycle this morning. And told them to take $8000 from my medical flex spending account, and put the rest on a credit card. Except the flex card didn't go through. The receptionist offered to put through a different amount, but $8000 is the amount I am paying in to it, so $8000 should have worked. After two card swipes, I called the customer service people of my flex plan administrators. And they weren't open yet. I waited a bit, which was fine as I was chatting in the waiting room with one of my internet buddies. Then I called after the appointed opening time. And completely forgot my social security number. I mean, what IS it with me this cycle? But eventually I stammered out a number and the customer service rep told me that I had owed them 8 cents from last year, so the amount available was $7999.92. They could have effing told me this previously, but whatever. Off I trotted back to the receptionist and proferred my card asking if she wouldn't mind giving me a dollar discount off the cycle. Pretty please. She swiped again. And again. Still nothing.

I called. Again. I stayed on hold for a long time, fuming about the wastage of my precious cellphone minutes. Eventually customer service came back and told me they'd have to contact the card issuing company and call me back.

I waited. I waited some more. I went to the patient resource center to kill some time. No call. So I went back to my hotel room and vegged out in front of old Project Runway episodes. I called customer service YET again, and this time they were closed for their Thanksgiving lunch. Grrreat. Finally I got through to someone, again spent an age on hold and was then told that my card had never been activated by accident when our new plan year kicked in, but should be fine now.

So off I trooped to Big Clinic. Again. And paid the cash, finally. Phew. Done.

I should now go off and do something virtuous like a yoga class, but in all honesty the afternoon is actually heading towards chocolate and/or cookie eating. Eggs develop well when fed on a diet of chocolate, don't they?

Missing: one brain

I don't know what it is this cycle, but I seem to have lost my brain somewhere. First my mind went due to the lupron, and then my mental faculties packed up and gave up altogether. Case in point - my first monitoring appointment.

I thought the nurse said to go to Big Clinic on Sunday the 19th for bloodwork. So I booked everything thinking "Sunday" was the day. But then yesterday I started thinking "wait a minute, the 19th is Monday, and one normally does the first appointment after 3 days on stims. She must have meant Monday. I must have misunderstood her because of her accent."

But did I call to confirm? No, I did not. I just assumed that I had Sunday wrong and that I would turn up on Monday. And then flew up to NY, settled in to the hotel and met up with a few girls for Sunday breakfast. Of course, my cellphone rang while I was in the noisy restaurant and I didn't hear it. An hour later as I was mooching around Bloomies looking for some boots, I checked my cellphone to see what time it was and noticed a voicemail. Yup, I had missed my monitoring appointment. I called the answering service, explained that I'd got confused and thought it was the next day, and a nurse called me back an hour later.

She said I could wait until Monday, but I absolutely have to be in between 7 and 8.30 on Monday morning. Have to. Obligatory. I must be in. She insisted that I write it down so I didn't forget. I said I wouldn't forget this time and not to worry, I'd be there on time. I don't think she believed me. I don't blame her really.

Friday morning

I had a revelation this morning. I finally figured out what the nurse said to me yesterday!

You see, the nurse that called with my instructions on the meds had quite a strong asian accent. I think it was Chinese, but whatever. So she said "you on lupron pour one, righ?" and I went "sorry? What did you say?" "Lupron pour one." "Umm, no, sorry, I don't understand. You said lupron and then I don't know what you said after that." Eventually after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing she practically shouted "ten units" to which I went "oh! Yes, I'm on ten units of lupron." So then she rattled off that I was to stay on the same dose that evening and start 300 of follistim and 150 of menopur today, and drop the lupron down to "point zero five". I didn't have a clue what she meant by 0.05 of lupron, but said yes, OK, right, gotcha, as I knew I should drop the lupron down to 5 units. But, just because I'm anal and have a need to know precisely what is going on at all times, I then immediately called my assigned IVF nurse, thinking I'd ask her what the eff the other nurse meant. I understand my IVF nurse perfectly as we're from the same little country on the other side of the pond so have this whole fellow countrywomen bond going on. Except her voicemail said she was now out until Monday. Great. No explanations for me.

Last night, as I did my lupron shot, I noticed that the syringe was a 0.5cc syringe, and went up to 50 units so then it made sense to say 0.05 of lupron because if we're talking about cc's rather than units, 5 units is 0.05 cc's. So that clicked. All well and good. But something was still nagging me. That whole "pour one" thing. Now, you're all probably way ahead of me at this point and have figured it out, but I still couldn't for the life of me understand what the nurse had been saying. Which bothered me because I like to think that when it comes to something as important as drugs I should know exactly what I'm doing.

Until this morning, that is, when I was eating my oatmeal and not even thinking about shots. "Pour one!" came into my head. And with great clarity it finally dawned on me that it's "point one", as in 0.1cc, as in ten units. Duh, double duh and triple duh. Why on earth I couldn't figure that out yesterday, I don't know. But it makes me happy that I do at least now understand everything the nurse said.

I am flying off tomorrow, which means that I will be super busy and won't have time to post. I have to take my kitty to the vets to board her, and that is already making me teary. I also have to figure out what to pack, which I am useless about as I can never figure out how cold it is going to be. Oh yeah, and finish the mountain of work on my desk. Talking of which, I'd better get cracking.

Oh Jeez

One more day of the crazies. I am cleared to start stims, but they don't want me to start until tomorrow. One more day of lupron at this strength before I can drop down. I just hope there are no homicidal tendencies in the meantime.

Look ma! No cysts!

I went for my wanding today at my local clinic. And I'm pleased to say that I have NO cysts. All is quiet on the ovarian front. The ultrasound technician did feel it necessary to point out three times that "you are very gassy" with lots of emphasis on the "very". Gee, thanks. And that is relevant to my ultrasound how? Either you can see my ovaries or you can't. Why feel the need to make me feel small for a normal bodily function? Not that I think I am a particularly gassy person, you know, it's not like I was trying to hold in any tooting while I was lying on the table. And when she was showing me my ovaries on the screen, and almost delighting in pointing out said gassiness, I have to say, it all just looked like fat to me. But then I'm not the expert, so what do I know. To my untutored eye, though, my follicles all looked nice and evenly sized so that's a big relief. Hopefully I can avoid any dominant follicle issues this time around.

She found 4 antral follicles on the right, and 6 on the left. So that compares with last cycle's 11 antral follicles. Hopefully the long lupron protocol will enable me to actually get all the antral follicles stimulated to produce eggs. Oh, if only! Hey, a girl can dream.

I almost killed a few motorists in a road rage incident on the way in to work, so the lupron is still making me, erm...feisty, shall we say. But why oh why can nobody follow the damn road rules any more??? Don't they realize there are hormonal maniacs sharing the road with them? Thank Christ my boss is going off to his meetings in an hour or so, so hopefully he will emerge from this cycle without a hatchet embedded in his skull.

Please though, if you value world peace, pray that Big Clinic will let me start stims tonight, and more importantly, drop my damn dose of lupron. I feel that the harmony of this particular corner of mother Earth may be severely damaged if I have to continue being a short tempered beyotch for much longer.

Raving lunatic

Oh dear god.

The irritability has run amok. I nearly slapped my boss. Twice. For being an insufferable idiot. Then banged my head repeatedly against my computer wrist rest (not quite an idiot myself, it's a soft, cushy wrist rest) in front of him when he asked me yet another stupid question and told him to stop wasting my time. And then nearly stuck pencils in my own eyes in frustration.

And then ran off screaming so I could calm down.

Not that it's the best time to antagonize my boss, because he's about to go off to the payraise committee to decide whether I get anything at all next year. I'll probably be fired at the rate I am going.

Jesus H. and Jiminy Cricket, I spoke too soon on the lupron. I have clearly gone psychotic.

In my defense officer, he is an insufferable idiot.

Irritable? Moi?

OK, so the flowyness kept going and it really was officially CD1 yesterday. So that was the right call. I am actually getting rather nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow morning. I never used to be, but after that whole monster cyst/cancellation debacle, I don't take them for granted any more. Especially after I've already booked the flight! So, if you're the praying type, please pray for lots of antral follicles and no cysts!

I'm fairly headachy again today, so that's annoying, but overall I really can't complain about the lupron too much this time. I mean, sure, the cat has been shouted at more than she usually gets shouted at during PMS time but she is a particularly whiny cat sometimes, so it probably evens out. And she's gone back to having a pooping on the floor habit, which is irritating beyond belief. [Wait? Did I just say the lupron wasn't affecting me much?] I'm going to have to go and get my 6th or 7th litter maid self-cleaning box, as that's the only thing that works. Unfortunately, only 2 of those litter boxes had a motor that didn't burn out within weeks, and they cost $120 a pop, so every time one burns out I always think I'll just try to keep going with manual scooping and hope for the best. I've tried scooping twice per day, and even bought her a second litter box because I read that cats like to poop separately from where they pee. So what does she do? Pee in both boxes, and then if there's a single pee in a box, she won't use it to poop in but goes on the floor. And if she'd just poop at the same time every day I could make sure it was clean before then, but no such luck on that score. If only I didn't, you know, have to go out to work, and oh yeah, sleep, I could scoop instantly every time she pees and her highness wouldn't be tempted by the laminate flooring. Thank God it is laminate flooring by the way, and not carpet!

Whoa, where did that little rant come from? Ahem. Loopy lupron, nice to make your acquaintance.

Aaaand we're off. Maybe.

OK, the spotting turned a little more, umm, flow-y, so I decided to call it cycle day 1. Called the nurse, who wasn't in. Why is that, by the way? Why is my IVF nurse out of the office on pretty much every day that I call? So I called the scheduler, and explained ever so sweetly that I would normally speak to the nurse but she wasn't in, and owing to the fact that I didn't get a cycle confirmation letter I wasn't terribly sure what to do. And of course she pounced on the whole "no letter" part of the sentence and started grilling me on my address, and insisting that the letter was sent to me in September. Uh huh. Can we steer things back to "what do I need to do now?" please? Can we just accept the fact that I do not currently have a letter, and the question of whether or not it was never sent to me or I destroyed it by accident is immaterial?

Anyhoo, we ascertained that I had everything I needed and that I just need to continue on the lupron then toddle off for an ultrasound and blood draw on Thursday morning at the local clinic, and report back to them afterwards. Then they'll give me more instructions on starting stims. So I made the rash decision to book my flight for Saturday instead of Friday as I had originally thought and change my hotel reservation to Saturday as well, in the hope that they won't want me back in until cycle day 6. Cali asked about arranging travel - well, I basically wait until I can stand it no longer, and then hop onto the Jet Blue website and book a one-way flight, hoping for the best. I did have to cancel the flight that time I got postponed because of the monster cyst, but I was able to use most of the money for a subsequent flight so I was only out the cancellation fee of $30 (now $35). I could leave it until the day before I travel to book, I suppose, but that leaves me with the worry that a) it would cost about the same as buying a new car, and b) I wouldn't get a seat, thus having to drive to NY instead of flying. So I'm taking the risk. Oooh, don't I live dangerously?

Of course, having done all of that, I'm now convinced that the flowyness has probably dried up and we'll be back to spotting because it was a pretty marginal call. But what the hell - none of it really matters on lupron. I hope.

Cycle Day One Last Time?

Having one of those wishy-washy "is it or isn't it?" days. It could be CD1, or it could just be spotting. Don't really know. Don't really care any more, either, except that the fact that CD1 did not come yesterday means I don't have to fly to NY on Friday, hopefully making this week a little less hectic. Although judging by the state of my inbox, nothing is going to really help on the hectic front.

Sigh

I'm feeling pretty depressed today. It's probably a mixture of the lupron, PMS, and the fact that I hate my job. But I'm slowly working out the second career/exit strategy, and although many aspects of it seem to be a very long way off, at least it gives me something to cling to when everything else is crap. As an example of how crap it is at work, we've had 5 people quit our office in the past two weeks, and probably more to come. Morale is low. And in the midst of all this, I really need to have a good, solid, and highly productive week so that I can take off for two week's vacation for the IVF cycle without worrying. I'm not quite sure how to pull that off, but I suspect that there'll be a fair amount of working late this week.

I had a great weekend - got my two craniosacral therapy sessions in, so I feel that I'm on my way to clearing those karmic blockages. But then of course I often worry that if this doesn't work this time I'll kind of look like a fool for thinking that karmic blockages were the answer. However, when have I not looked like a fool, so why worry on that score now? It can only help to do some of this work, and if it doesn't help enough, at least I tried. "At least I tried" seems to be somewhat of a motto these days.

The only slight downside to the weekend was a phone conversation with my dad, who seems to think that the NY doctors are just out to take my money without telling me that it's got no hope of working (based on some coverage last year of unscrupulous fertility doctors in the UK, which has stuck in my dad's mind) and that I really should be finding a husband. Well, yeah, but as we've discussed several times, the pickings are pretty slim around here and if I'm having this much trouble getting pregnant now, what makes him think that it'll automatically work in a year or so when I miraculously find that husband? So that was slightly annoying, but oh well. He did at least wish me luck.

I kind of got my thyroid result back, but not really. I got left a voicemail that my TSH was normal, but my T3 was a bit low, so if I wanted to get a copy to discuss with my internist, then to call them back and they'd send a copy. I mean, does that mean I should discuss it with my internist, or not? It sounds entirely optional, really, but I know that even though my TSH may be normal, last time it was 2.5, which is a tad high for TTC, and that a low T3 also points to hypothyroidism. So on balance, I may have an issue. However, I decided that as it's too late to get an appointment with an internist before the IVF cycle, I'm just going to wing it, and hope that if Big Clinic was really worried, they would have used much stronger wording. Hopefully it's not out of whack enough to prevent the cycle from working, and I can always have it checked out when I get back from NY in case it would interfere with anything.

The lupron is going well, by the way. No more forgetfulness on the shots, thankfully. And the headache has been a coming and going type of thing, so I'm thankful that it hasn't been a constant companion. I'm just waiting for my period to arrive so that I can get the show on the road. And as typical with my body, it's nowhere in sight. It's 15DPO today, and nada. Still, I'm beginning to think that if I can delay that flight to NY by a day or two, it'll help with the stress of getting everything done, so maybe it's a good thing.

Alarming

Thank goodness for Blackberry alarms! I was vegging out in front of the TV last night, chortling at My Name Is Earl and generally minding my own business, and the darn Blackberry started beeping at me. At first I was kind of confused because the alarm is a similar sound to the text message beep on my cellphone and I'd had a text message earlier in the evening so at first thought I had another one. I picked up the cellphone. Nope, no text. Then the Blackberry. Hmmm, the alarm was going off. I wondered why.

And then the ton of bricks came crashing down straight upon my head, momentarily knocking me off balance.

The lupron shot! Duh. And the prize for the most forgetful idiot of the year goes to...drumroll...me.

I had totally forgotten about doing lupron. But I suppose the good thing about doing so many IVF cycles is that I have learned by experience, as I did actually completely forget a lupron shot on a previous cycle (luckily I remembered a few hours later before going to bed, so no real harm done). So, I learned that I had to set myself an alarm every day that I need to do a shot, no matter what. No matter if I think there is no way on earth that I will forget, the alarm is set to go off every day. Because the likelihood is that my brain will empty out the second that the goggle box goes on in the evening, as I proved yesterday. I used to do my shots earlier, at around 7pm, which is usually before the TV goes on chez Solitaire, so it may have been less of an issue. Or I may have been more anxious/interested about the whole process before I failed so damn many of these things, and therefore cared more about doing shots precisely on time. But anyway, this cycle I'm trying to time things around all the flights I have to make going backwards and forwards to NY, so I shifted my shots to 8.30pm as that's smack in the middle of Big Clinic's suggested timing of between 7 and 10pm. And smack in the middle of TV-watching and brain-emptying opportunities. So I don't think this is going to be the last time that the alarm saves the day.

And let me just say to any other bloggers out there going through or about to go through an IVF cycle. Yup, never post about having no side effects. It totally jinxes you. The lupron headache started playing around the edges of my brain yesterday evening and now it has hit full force. I guess those bricks hitting me on the head didn't help either.

Questions

I'm probably jinxing myself here, but I'm happy to report that (so far) I have had no side effects from the lupron. At all. Whatsoever. In fact, I keep having to remind myself to either do the shot or that I already did the shot, because I feel so disconnected from it all. Not that I'm complaining, it's a good thing not to have side effects. But, you know, disconcerting.

Anyhoo, I had a few questions in the comments that I haven't responded to yet, so I will try to answer here.

1. Does valium with transfer increase your chances?
I had to Google this, which proved useless as I got six million hits for various sites trying to sell me drugs. Including one entitled "can you snort valium?" which I had never even considered before. Not that I want to try, but it's interesting to think that other people DO want to try snorting it. But, as far as I know, valium is standard practice at a lot of clinics, because it relaxes you before transfer, and more importantly relaxes the uterus. I couldn't find any evidence of it increasing pregnancy rates (not that I searched for very long), but I guess it wouldn't be standard practice in many clinics if it didn't at least help. It is NOT standard practice at Big Clinic, but they will prescribe it if you beg. Last cycle I had a couple of tablets left over from my old clinic, and I took them sneakily, but only took 1 before transfer and 1 after. And I was very nervous and anxious about the whole thing, especially as you don't get any information about your embryos until you are called into the OR for the actual transfer. As I only had two to work with, I figured I would have been a complete and utter gibbering mess without a valium. So I made a decision that I was never going to do a transfer again without it. This time I have a prescription for 2 tablets, so I will take them both before the transfer. And do acupuncture before and after, so hopefully that will leave me nicely mellow.

2. How did I score a free Akashic records reading?
Ah, well, it helps to have connections. My aunt is a fairly new age type person, and is a craniosacral therapist. So this person that did the reading is a friend of hers, and kindly offered me a free session when we met several weeks ago on the basis that my aunt is so lovely and does so much for her that she wanted to give something back. I did it while at home, but over the phone, which was great.

3. What's craniosacral therapy like?
Based on having a therapist in the family, I have had various sessions over the years. In fact, it's my standard request for birthday and Christmas presents. I think of it kind of like Reiki in many respects, though with a bit more emphasis on your head and spine (obviously, given the name!). You can feel tingly energy in parts of your body that the therapist is concentrating on and it is very relaxing. It's done fully clothed, like Reiki is, and I believe that it was entirely due to craniosacral work that I don't get migraines any more. At all.

4. Are you really as fabulous as you appear to be?
Yes! Thanks for noticing. ;)

OK, OK, I made that last question up.

Waiting to sleep

Mis-timing. It's been the word (words?) of the day. I arrived way way too early for my facial, which was with an English facialist, this being after I had acupuncture with an English acupuncturist, and by the way, my IVF nurse is English - WTF? It's like being in this whole country-warp thing - is there anyone left in the old country or is everyone over here now?  Sorry, I  digress, back to mis-timing and the general killing of time. I had to sit outside a coffee shop being alternately harangued by a deranged man and barked at by an Irish Wolfhound. Then I had far too much time to kill before my ridiculously late flight. So I arrived at the airport a full three hours early and was barked at by an irate security guard. And now my ridiculously late flight is delayed so that I am currently projected to arrive back in my home town at 1:15am. I expect it'll be closer to 2am.  I am not good with sleep-deprivation, by the way. Not good at all, so I am not particularly cheery at this turn of events. 

I just shot up in an airport bathroom. Not for the first time. And not for the last time, either. Still haven't shot up while actually flying, though I am considering it for the return flight to NY just so I can brag about how hard-core I am. Moving car? Public restroom?  Pshaw, try turbulence, baby!

The coculture biopsy went well. It didn't hurt, apart from some cramps when I was getting dressed. More worrying is that they are making me repeat my thyroid bloodwork. When I had it done in March, I thought it was a tad high, but nobody said anything so I figured it wasn't an issue. Not that I want a problem to be unmedicated but I don't want to be on any more drugs than needed. Especially ones that may have to be taken throughout a pregnancy. It just worries me a tad to take meds if there's a baby there sharing those medications. And I read something a while ago about fluoride in water affecting thyroid levels so it might make me seriously pissed off if my city has poisoned my thyroid gland. Oh well, I'm probably overreacting.

Luckily, Big Clinic being what it is, I got to sit and wait with a fellow IVF vet, so we gossiped about past protocols and egg retrievals. Ah, good times. She was just as much of a failure as me!  Imagine!  I tried to strike up conversation with a couple of other women but they had that deer-in-the-headlights look of  newbies and clearly didn't want to be infected by the cloud of infertility germs that I must carry with me.

The best news of the day, however, is that I managed to score a valium prescription from Dr. S for transfer day, though it's not nearly as much as I would like. Yes, yes, I know. I JUST said I didn't want to take drugs. But valium for transfer day is different. It's necessary!  I made my usual feeble "joke" about wanting enough valium for the entire month but sadly didn't get anywhere.  I should probably have begged harder. Maybe I will if I see him again. Seriously? Why on earth CAN'T we be spaced out for the whole cycle? I'm sure their success rates would go up.  I mean, if we're all supposed to "just relax" and we'll get pregnant, why not help us out a little?

More tomorrow if I am capable of rational thought.  Probably not, so don't go holding any breath out there.

That thing I did

Wow, it was very interesting on Friday. For those who care, I actually had my Akashic records read. Apparently you have a big book up in the ether which has your soul's journey written on it. There's a whole library up there, according to the folks that do this. With everybody's books. And some people can speak to the masters who can access such records, and can give out advice. Hey, no laughing, please! As I said, I wouldn't have done it unless it was free, but some of what she said resonated and made sense. And all the more so once I had discussed it in depth with my aunt, who apparently remembers more events from my childhood than I do. Useful that, as my memory is pretty appalling and I also tend to minimize what I do remember. I am one of those types that is all "Oh, yeah, I had a wonderful childhood and adolescence. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. What's that? No, can't remember anything that would affect me. Nothing at all. Umm, well, you know, I guess I could mention my mother dying when I was 11." I am definitely a glosser-over of bad things. I will tell you I feel fine right up to the point of keeling over or vomiting on your feet. So, it's very helpful to have a relative available who can provide details, as my dad is totally useless on that score.

So, I have some karmic blockages preventing me from becoming pregnant, but I have specific things to do to remove those blockages, and after that I should be good to go. And I'm storing some other emotions in my abdomen, from arguments and grief and other things, which I have to clear as well, partly by telling my abdomen that I love it. Flab and all.

I mean, why not? I've had a guy stick his fingers up my arse in the name of clearing adhesions, so this is pretty minimal in the long list of things I have tried in order to get pregnant. A few meditations, a few craniosacral therapy sessions and voila. Why the hell not try, eh?

In other news, I am in NY! I flew up yesterday, and just had my giant blood draw for the coculture, so my uterine cells which they will take tomorrow can have lots of lovely food to grow on so the lab can make a cushy home for my embryos before they get transferred back to me. I am now in the patient resource center in the clinic, waiting for an hour or so to go by before I decide to walk anywhere. See, I learned my lesson last time, when I tried to immediately walk to Central Park and then almost fainted. Twice. And then ended up lying like a dead vagrant on a bench in the park, attracting double-takes from passers-by who were clearly wondering if they needed to call the cops to come and remove my lifeless body.

Quickie post

Having a crazy work day today, but just saw something that made me giggle. I get myself listed on CycleSista when I cycle (there's a clickable button on the right), and this time they made a typo on my name and put Sarash. Which is weird, as that's also what all the Indian guys on the immigration board that I'm on think I am called, presumably based on the (male) Indian name of Suresh.

Maybe I should change my name? Sarash has an interesting ring to it. Mind you, knowing my luck it probably means something like "barren" in Sanskrit.

Oh, but I also have to say, while I am thinking of Sanskrit - this afternoon I am doing something quite out there and new agey in order to "clear the blockages that are preventing me from getting pregnant". I am quite intrigued, and I will post more later when I have time. But I have to say, I wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't free - one of my aunt's new agey friends is doing her thang free for me because she loves my aunt so much. However, I'm going into it with an open mind. You just never know, and in my new Sue-inspired motto "in this magical season, all things are possible".

Sue says

Thanks to Cali I feel compelled at the start of every month to check Sue for my horoscope. Not that she says stuff that is all that earth shattering or relevant, but some of it is relevant, and gives me a little hope sometime. Or, more often, tells me not to do something I have been planning on.

This month, she's banging on about my career, and me having great prospects for a raise. Now, November IS the month that they decide on my salary, but honestly, my performance has been so lackluster ever since I started fertility treatments, that I highly doubt that a raise is in my future. In fact, I'll probably be lucky not to get fired.

But at the very end, she says something that she's never said before. You have to look close, but there it is. Oh, and November 24th is my estimated egg retrieval date, by the way.

Romance will shimmer on several days during the month, but most divinely on November 7, and in the days, weeks, and months that follow Uranus' turn to direct orbit on November 24.

In the coming months, the planet ruling your house of love, Uranus, has been moving at a sluggish mode, but all that changes from end of November onward. You can expect this surprise-a-minute planet to spice up your love life in time for the holidays.

Start getting ready for parties, intimate dinners, and walks together to look at the pretty city lights. If you've been alone, you may not be for long, and if you feel your partner's neglected you, you'll love being fussed over in coming weeks and months. Do you hope to have a baby? In this magical season, all things are possible.

More telling bone

Yet more telephone time. I got a call from the pharmacy yesterday that my insurance had expired. When it is brand, spanking new insurance, actually. It should not have expired. However, when I reached into my capacious work/schlepping shit around handbag to grab my wallet so I could find the insurance card and call to complain I realized that my wallet was still sitting on the table at home in the teeny handbag I use for all non-work/schlepping shit around situations. Great.

So I called this morning, after reuniting myself with my wallet, and was told that the insurance wasn't expired, but the pharmacy probably called the wrong B.lue S.hield and they need to call a different number. Except I gave the pharmacy the damn number on the back of the card so I'm not quite sure what is going on. But now I know, eh? Pharmacies don't get to use the "provider inquiry" number, but a separate prescription checking number. That is NOT on the back of the card. Riiight. It all adds yet more to my already huge love of insurance companies. Not that they're going to cover the fertility medication, but they might cover an antibiotic or two later in the cycle. And they damn well better cover the large quantity of valium that I'm going to demand.

Effing insurance companies.

Oh, wait, the pharmacy just called back. They allegedly do cover the medication I am ordering! Except my "co-pay" is more expensive than paying the regular price that the discount pharmacy offers. Excellent. How nice of them - pretend to cover certain medications but actually charge more for them!

Anyhoo, I spent some time checking out fun things to do in NY while I am there, and I have signed myself up for a facial on Tuesday. I had a facial on my last coculture trip, so I have decided that it is my "tradition" and I'm sticking with it. Except this time I am going to an organic spa so there will be no nasty chemicals near my skin. And no, I really can't afford to be wasting money on a facial, but if I'm going to be raiding my savings for a large wodge of cash, I may as well build in a few extras so I can have a hope of relaxing a little bit, no?

On the telling bone

I spent all day on the phone yesterday. Well, that's what it felt like at least. I'm sure my boss was wondering what was going on, as my cellphone rarely makes a peep during the day and here it was going off every few minutes. And everyone who knows me knows how cheap I am with my cellphone minutes so it's quite a strange occurence.

So, I have to hold my horses on the lupron (whoa there, Dobbin). Although the scheduler and the IVF nurse on duty said to start it on Saturday, my own special IVF nurse said I can only do the coculture biopsy after having been on it for two days, so she wants me to start on Sunday instead. No biggie, but I wish they'd get their stories straight. You'd think that they'd all know all of these rules! But anyway, the coculture appointment is nailed down for Tuesday morning, and I booked my flights. My meds order is under way. The pharmacy, in a ridiculous bout of optimism, insisted on checking with my new health insurance company to see if anything was covered. Ummm, yeah. My company switched carriers in order to save money. I'm pretty darn sure they won't have just added an infertility benefit for shits and giggles.

Sadly, the acu that cutie acu recommended for me in NY is going to be out of town for T-giving week, so that's that plan out of the window. He recommended me someone else, but I have to google her before I call. What, me? Call someone out of the blue based on a recommendation? Never!

I think the only thing I still need to do is figure out the whole "day 3 start" that the nurse was muttering about. Apparently last time I did a "day 2" start, and while it might seem obvious that it's the day for starting stims that we're talking about, I'm not sure if it means I should get the u/s on day 2 or day 3. I guess another phone call is in order, as everything seems completely chaotic and left up to the patient when you're doing an "out of town" cycle start as I am. More telephone time, sigh.

Is six my lucky number?

Holy crap, I'm starting lupron next Saturday! I'm actually doing another IVF cycle. When did this creep up on me all of a sudden?

I decided that Saturday was the day for the surge. The subsequent OPKs were definitely lighter, and going by my CM and today's pathetic temperature rise I'm going to hope that I am correct. I'd have preferred a nice, clear, unambiguous temperature rise, but nooo, my body does not cooperate like that. But what the heck. Let's just hope for the best and say I've ovulated.

I can't actually believe it has come to a sixth IVF cycle. Who'd have thought it? Who can possibly have hope that it will work this time when it didn't previously? Oh wait, I said that hope wasn't necessary. But still, one has to hope going into a cycle, otherwise we wouldn't do it. I'm back to panicking slightly because of the whole "this is the last try with my own eggs" thing. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?

OK, let's not panic. Let's just casually go down the road of going through the motions, and get on with it.

Ambiguousity

I think I am queen of the ambiguous ovulation tests. I missed a couple of IUI's back in the day because I didn't get a clear positive test, and then popped the egg too quickly.

Yesterday, I may have had a +OPK. Or not. I ended up not peeing for 6 hours during the day, due to a combination of not drinking enough water and taking a really long afternoon nap. So I think my pee was pretty darn concentrated, maybe too concentrated so it gave me a false positive. Who knows. And then it wasn't clearly positive when I first did it, but darkened up a lot as it dried. And it was one of those with a super thin dark line and the rest of it not quite as dark, so it's hard to read. But the ones since then have been getting lighter so even though it wasn't an ideal positive, it may have been the one. I will do another one this afternoon to see what's what, and see if my temperature goes up in the morning (note to self: must not booze too much tonight and create a false temperature rise). I did a test this morning after holding pee for 3 hours, but it was pretty feeble so I am ignoring it. Thankfully it is the weekend, so I can put off calling the scheduler until Monday, when hopefully the situation will be clearer. Or not. Maybe I'll just wing it.

Omelet!

So, back to my own private vagina monologue.

Lots of lovely goopy EWCM yesterday, and an OPK that was darkening up. So I am feeling pretty confident about a nice early surge, and will (hopefully) be vindicated about my choice of Nov. 6th for the coculture biopsy as opposed to Nov. 8th.

Then I really must get on with sorting the meds out, and making sure they really do have me on the schedule. I saw yesterday that there's a long waiting list for November/December cycles, so if I'm not on the schedule I'll be pretty pissed.

Bad

Damn it, I am heartbroken for our Cali.

Hope be damned

I had (yet another) realization about this IVF yesterday. As I was expounding to Cali about how nothing is as important about getting knocked up, it kind of hit me in the face. Nothing is as important as getting knocked up! You may not think that was exactly a blinding realization, but it was actually helpful. Because the fact that I am struggling with hope does not matter. It does not matter if I have hope or not. What matters is flying to NY and going through the IVF so that I have a chance of getting knocked up. The end is what is important, not the means, and definitely not how I feel about the means. The truth is, I have to do this IVF. Hope be damned. Hope may come back later, but for now, going through the motions is much more important.

So that makes me feel, bizarrely, happier. I can just go through the motions. Or, in other words, fake it till I make it.

In other news, I had a tiny bit of EWCM yesterday, on cycle day 8. So I think that I may just surge early because my body probably doesn't realize that it hung on with a 16 day luteal phase and probably thinks that I had a shorter luteal phase. I bet it started cooking my eggs early, like it likes to do. So I'm hoping for a surge at the weekend (maybe). But, whatever. Whenever. As long as it comes.

Cash needed!

If you can spare some cash, please go on over and see Cali (if you haven't already). She was doing a shared IVF where she was supposed to donate half her eggs in return for most of the fees being paid for her. But due to a stupid lab test giving her a positive (false we hope) hep C result, she's now no longer eligible to donate. So has to come up with the cash for an IVF cycle in, like, 2 days. Which she can't do without help. She has a "donate for IVF" button if you can spare anything.

We are weird fertility twins, it seems, as of course I also had a false positive hep C result, which got me cancelled from an IVF. I hadn't started stimming at that point, though, nor had I already travelled to the out-of-state clinic. And would have been cancelled anyway because of a cyst. And can come up with the cash myself. OK, so we're not twins, as the situations are completely different, apart from the bizarre hep C nonsense, but we've been on this fertility rollercoaster together since 2005 and I just want her to finally get knocked up already.

Sunday mish mash

I've mellowed out a bit, although still struggling with the hope issue. I'm still quite sad in general, and partially because I'm doing this alone. Most of the time I am OK about being single through this, but sometimes it really saddens me. I had such (brief) high hopes about cute acu for a while there, and I find it quite pathetic that there are so few men that I meet that are even remotely interesting to me. Then again, I'm not going to force myself to try to be interested in most of the guys that are out there - I watched Knocked Up yesterday, and have to say that I vastly prefer doing this on my own to lumping my future in with any old random dipshit that passes my way.

But anyway, I had the shortest period evah. It came and went in 4 days, two of which were really just spotting. Doesn't bode well for anything in particular, but I keep trying to tell myself that I've got another whole cycle to get myself in balance. And I'm mostly eating like a saint, so I think that will help. OK, I did have two cocktails on Friday night, but that was the first time I'd had any booze in weeks. I should have stuck to one cocktail, like pretty much everyone else I was with, but hey. Call me a booze hound if you want. However, two cocktails used to be pretty much an alcoholic appetizer just to wet my whistle, so things are vastly different from how they used to be. That I can now manage to stop at two cocktails should be a cause for celebration, really.

And just in case anyone misinterprets my posts on how my pain is less than it used to be, or whatever, and thinks I'm this terribly unhealthy invalid, thus believing that my infertility is due to me being near death's door, I want to state that I am very healthy, actually. That's one reason that infertility has been so shocking to me. My current health complaints are: shoulder/neck tension and pain, light and not very red periods, a tendency to loose stools/diarrhea, I'm 15lbs overweight, and uh, the pores in my nose are a bit clogged and I'll get an occasional zit. Really, I can't think of much more than that. My knees hurt if I do too much jogging. My left psoas muscle is tight from an old injury (or is it my iliacus?). If I eat too much dairy, I get an arthritic-y feeling in my knuckles. I crack my spine and neck too much when I'm twisting. And I like to go to bed at 10 most nights so I'm not too tired. Sometimes I get pretty irritated with PMS but it usually passes within a day. I mean, that's it. I never get indigestion, headaches, sinus problems, constipation and whatever else we're supposed to get as we age. I hardly ever get colds or flu or things that go around the office. I eat well, I exercise regularly. I would say I'm as healthy as a horse. I mean, true, I used to have more complaints. I used to have more digestion issues, I used to have mild fibromyalgia pain. I used to get migraines. I used to have low energy/fatigue. I used to have TMJ problems. I used to drink more. I used to eat more bad foods. But I have worked diligently to fix those issues, and for the most part have succeeded. So when I post about being bad such as having two cocktails, or having pain, those things are very mild in the grand scheme of things. I am just clutching at straws trying to find something that is a difference, that can cause me to can say "aha! Finally I am healed".

But, what keeps going around in my head, is if I'm so healthy, why, then, why am I going through infertility? Why isn't everything working perfectly?

And I hate that there are no answers. I feel like I'm the naysayer on some of these chat boards. Hey, yeah, I tried pineapple and it didn't help me! Oh, yeah, I tried soy isoflavones, I tried DHEA, I tried L-arginine, I tried robitussin, I tried wheatgrass. I tried all the remedies that are out there. People don't like it when I post that just because someone tried something and got pregnant the next cycle, doesn't mean that the pineapple or trick du jour really was the cause. It could have been random chance. I so wish I was naive enough again to believe that I could really do one thing and have it be the answer. Because you know that I would do that thing in spades. I have done so much, changed so much, given up so much, in this search for a baby. I'm almost willing to do anything - the only thing I won't do is eat meat.

So why not me? And why can't I have hope?

Moody

I don't know what is up with me lately, I seem to swing wildly between moods. I was doing just fine yesterday until I went to acupuncture. And cutie acu was telling me about one of his fertility patients who had been in an hour before - she is now very pregnant apparently, and doing well. He likes telling me about the successes. Which is very nice and all, but it doesn't give me hope any more so it just makes me sad that I may never join them. And then we were talking about me starting the lupron this cycle, so he was saying how it's been shown that acupuncture really helps the response versus doing it without acupuncture and we'll hope for lots of fat, juicy eggs. Ummm, yeah, again, all very lovely, but I've been doing acupuncture for every single one of my IVFs. Just how do I hang on to hope that this time I will get the magic response? So I get sad that even his illustrations of how I should have hope actually make me sad.

And then of course on the other hand, I do realize that I am doing better this time. I can definitely tell that I have changes in my energy levels and in day-to-day pain levels. My digestion is improving more. It is all good. I suppose I am feeling a bit down because of the period not being as I had hoped. You know, I was hoping it would be a perfect turnaround, a perfect flow, as Randine Lewis loves to tout in her book, of the "her cycle balanced within weeks, and she was pregnant the following cycle" success stories ilk.

It is just so so hard to hang on to hope. Obviously I have hope, because I am going forward with the cycle. But it is a tenuous hope. A feeble hope that flickers like a candle flame in a breeze. I try to focus on what I am doing differently, and twice-weekly acupuncture is one of the differences. Previously I did once-weekly acupuncture. Will it be enough, though? Will I actually get the golden egg, or am I just doomed to failure because I am using donor sperm and therefore not trying every month. Did I pop the golden egg last month and waste it because there was no sperm there to meet it? Was that my last chance and I blew it?

I think the pressure has ratcheted up because of my self-imposed "this is the last cycle" stuff. I am so paralyzed with fear that it won't work and I won't have another cycle to try again. I just can't face the thought of giving up on my family's genetics. But I have to stop at some point. It is just not healthy or realistic to keep going indefinitely. Not to mention the fact that I can't afford to keep going indefinitely. And yet, I just really don't feel ready to say that this is where my grandparents stop. Where my parents stop. That their genes don't get to travel forward into the future, into this grand experiment that is humanity. That they become a stunted branch of the family tree that will wither into nothing. I think in many ways, this would be a lot easier if I had other family members that were procreating. But we are a small family, and have too many people that are not having kids for various reasons. Between me, my brother and my 4 cousins we have produced one kid. And that may be it, because even the fertile one may not have any more due to some quite nasty birth complications. I feel this crushing pressure to try everything I possibly can, but it is just stifling at times. Like now. It is hard to breathe.

-10

Feeling pretty happy today! I am now 10 lbs down from my highest post-IVF weight. Yay me! Next mini-goal is to be 10lbs below my last ER weight, and then my big goal is to be under a BMI of 27 before the next cycle. Which I might have a chance of making if I do well over the next month.

I was hoping to have a post about how my period is all lovely and red and normal like it was when I was a teenager. And sadly, I can't say that. But it might be a bit less clotty and a bit more red, so that's something I guess. However, I'm not going to dwell on bad things, only on good things. And after all, I do have another month before I start stims, so there's more time for my body to become better balanced.

Doing the (mini) freak out

So, I called the scheduler yesterday, as I mentioned. And she left me a voicemail when I was on the phone. Darn, if that isn't always the way. I can be sitting waiting for that phone to ring for hours hoping she'll call, and then the second I have to actually do some work, she calls. Damn work, getting in the way of my life yet again.

She moved my pencilled-in appointment for the coculture biopsy to the 8th. When I'd already booked the hotel and the time off work for the 6th. So I started having a freak out, and imagining not being able to change my hotel reservation, or worse, changing it, and then surging early and having to change it back again to the 6th. And not being able to because of the hotel being booked solid for a conference or something. And then there's the little matter of a team mate of mine who has booked the 9th off, and asked for the 8th as well if possible. So it'd be hard for me to be off on the 8th as well. And I'd have to travel crazy late after work on the 6th to be able to get there in time for the morning blood work that is necessary the day before the biopsy.

I don't know why I freak so much. It is all changeable. I haven't booked my flight yet because the date is not definite until I actually get my LH surge. If the hotel is booked up, there are plenty of other hotels in the city, they'll just be more expensive. Work will sort itself out. I know all this logically, and yet there's this "ohmygodthingsaregoingwrong" part of my brain that just panics.

Having calmed down, I called her back this morning. And she changed it for me, and put a note on the computer that it might still have to be the 8th, but they'll try to fit me in on the 6th. No fuss, no bother, just a teeny note of annoyance in her voice, but hey, she's a busy lady. So I freaked for nothing. As usual.

But now, I am praying for a nice, early surge, so I don't have to call her back shamefaced and ask her to change it back to the 8th.

Oh, and in case it isn't clear what the plan is for this cycle, it is:

1) monitor for LH surge;
2) have coculture biopsy between 5 and 12 days after the LH surge; and
3) start lupron at 7 days after the LH surge.

So I could start lupron before or after the biopsy, but that doesn't affect things, apparently. And no birth control pills, which is nice. Then I will start stims after my next period. And hopefully stop this crazy IVF nonsense once and for all by finally getting knocked up. Hahaha, don't all laugh at once at my ridiculous hope there.

Finally!

Cycle day 1 is here. Thank the lawd. I was about to kill someone.

The lovely acu did lots of "moving" points yesterday to get things going, although I think it was already on the way, as I had some spotting yesterday evening right before going to acu. But then again, I had spotting on Thursday and Saturday too, and nothing came of it. Acu boy said that my pulse Thursday and yesterday was confused, and it seemed like my body kept gearing itself up to have a period and then backing down again as if it couldn't quite get its act together. Repeatedly. It was all very tiring. I haven't had such ongoing cramping in, well, forever.

But it finally figured it out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see red as I was today.

So, I called the IVF scheduler this morning, and left a message about cycle day 1. I think I can still make the scheduled coculture appointment, provided I don't ovulate really late, so it might still work out. I keep forgetting that it has to be done a certain number of days after the LH surge, not after ovulation. So that gives me an extra day or two to play with.

But, happy as I am, I gotta say (in a petulant and whiny voice), can the cramping please stop now? Pretty please?

Ohferfuckssake

Nothing. No period. Now working on three days of cramps, backaches and poor sleep. And literally, every darn second, it feels like my period is starting. I have been running to the bathroom to check so often, it is ridiculous. If I wasn't irritable before, that's definitely enough to send me over the edge.

Sigh.

16DPO and counting. Why oh why can't my body be consistent? Last cycle I had a 12 day luteal phase. Not that that was good, but why couldn't it go back to 14 days instead of 16? Eff eff even took away my cover lines and told me I didn't ovulate when I entered this morning's temperature. Nasty mean computer! I changed the calculation method and it put them back, but still, it's enough to get a girl jittery.

I'm sick of this. And remember on Thursday how I was all worried my period would start early and mess my timing up? Har har on me. Now I'm going to mess my timing up the other way. I mean, for the actual IVF it won't matter, and in fact, a few days later is better. But the coculture would be so much better done on the day I am pencilled in and not on the following Thursday. I don't even know if I can get a spot on the Thursday, or if it is all booked up. I cannot, absolutely cannot contemplate missing the coculture this month, because that would mean bumping the IVF to December. And I'm pretty sure Big Clinic is closed when I would need to be cycling, so essentially I would get bumped to January. Urgh.