Humdrum

Well, so I'm settling back into life at home. I know, I was only gone for a weekend but it seemed longer because we did so much. And of course I mucked up my nice healthy vegan diet and swapped it for my old, unhealthy "fried eggs and ice cream are OK" diet. So it takes me a while to get back to healthy eating after giving in to temptation and having fun.

And of course there's always the reflection on the time away. Cali makes me feel inadequate because she's so smart and witty and full of amusing anecdotes. And me? Not so much. I'm the quiet mellow type that doesn't have all that much to say. So of course I'm all in awe of how Ms. Cali keeps everything together, what with looking after GM and all. But she has motivated me more on working on the "when I grow up" plan of figuring out where I want to live and what I want to do once my green card comes through/I have babies/my aunt's husband dies. You know, all that stuff. But there's plenty of time to get it all sorted out. And besides, I need to actually visit some of these cities that are on my short list of potential good places to live.

I went to therapy last night. I hadn't been for 4 weeks because the therapist had been out of town, although she swore she was only away for 2 weeks. Whatever. I felt like I'd accomplished a lot in the time she was away. I'd read a lot of books, I'd changed some of my thinking, I'd done lots of mind/body work. In fact, I probably don't need to go to therapy again. So why did I cave when she suggested another appointment? I'm not quite sure, except that I will say that it was good to have yesterday's appointment hanging over my head in order to keep me focused on changing things, as I knew I'd have to report back on what I'd done. And she wanted me to keep focused with the IVF coming up, hopefully, so that I go to NY really in the best frame of mind. Well, of course I know she also wants to get paid but I'm ignoring that aspect for the moment.

I still didn't really get into a lot of what I'm really feeling. Although I did own up to wanting to strangle the new RE when he did the old "you need to get clearance" thing. Hopefully she knew that I wasn't speaking literally! And I owned up to feeling jealous at being left behind yet again, and about being lapped twice by women who I started TTC#1 with and are now pregnant with #2, or are trying for #2. That hurts, and it's not their fault, but it makes it hard to want to have anything to do with them. So I tried pushing myself to reveal more of the darker thoughts that I have, and I did fairly well although was definitely aware that I was still doing too much of the "see how normal and well adjusted I am" type chatter.

The next appointment is in 2 weeks so I'll make a decision then as to whether it's time to move on or not.

What I did on my summer holiday

OK, so I've only been gone for a 3-day weekend, but it feels like it was my summer holiday. Especially as this year's vacation is (hopefully) going to be taken up with an IVF trip to NY. But I went away, people! I forced the lovely Cali to put up with me for a whole weekend, which she did most graciously, even when I was being an obnoxious brat and complaining about having to watch "Because I Said So" on DVD. In my defense, it is pretty darn bad and I was, ahem, tipsy, due to the quantities of red wine I had consumed. Well, OK, there is no defense. I was just obnoxious and one should never say "this movie is really crap" every 90 seconds when someone else is trying to watch it.

But! We went out to dinner and lunch and breakfast. We did touristy things, and looked at fancy houses and took a little river trip and went to a museum. Culture! Big City stuff! We had fancy beverages. We rode around in a turquoise convertible with all the guys checking out the foxy ladies (OK, maybe that part was just in my imagination although surely some of them were checking us out). And we tried to go to a movie in a real cinema but failed due to a technical mishap with the car. But even sitting in a parking lot for 3 hours or so while waiting for the tow truck guy is quite bearable when you can talk about the important things in life, such as poop and the quality of the dining clientele at the Golden C.orral buffet restaurant, with someone as witty as Cali.

So, thanks for putting up with me, my dear. I had a lot of fun, and am sad to be back at work today. Boo hiss. And, being the bad blogger that I am, I forgot to take my camera, so I have no photos to delight anyone with. I am bad, I know. But it's probably for the best for my ego, because Cali is way more photogenic than I, so I'd probably just cringe at the photos anyway. But maybe I can discuss those insecurities in my therapy session tonight, so I'll see if that's of any use whatsoever or if I've already got past my need for her.

Back to the grind...

TGIF

TGIF blogosphere, TGIF. I am dragging today. I haven't been sleeping well all week. Normally I'd look forward to snoozing a lot at the weekend, but this weekend I am going away for some FUN so there will not be enough snoozing to catch up on the deficit I have created.

I had a weird dream last night which involved a public bathroom and getting someone else's shit all over the hems of my jeans. And then much cleaning up. And then weirdly a hot guy who came to take me away from the frantic shit cleaning, and we were walking along blissfully hand in hand. But were we smelling of shit I wonder? Anyway, I haven't quite figured out the dream yet, but I guess it'll come to me at some point.

Have a great weekend, one and all.

Well, that didn't work

No ultrasound. They refused to do it, because as I'm now an "outside monitoring" patient, I must provide them with a prescription before they'll do anything. I felt like saying I wanted to be their patient again and do an IUI this month just so they'd do the ultrasound for me, but I didn't because what would have been the point? They were already refusing me everything. So I drove there for nothing. Made the appointment for nothing (and, may I say, it would have been nice if the scheduler had mentioned the need for a prescription). All for nothing.

So, my 5cm cyst could have shrunk, or could now be a 7cm cyst. Who knows? Certainly not me. Fuckers.

Sooo, here we are. My next hep C test is in 3 and a half weeks. It's been taking 2 weeks to get the results, so unless I have a 5 and a half week cycle this time, I'm not going to have that magic "clearance" letter from the internist, and hence have a prescription from Big New Clinic in time for next CD2. Which means no ultrasound again, presumably. Which would put a dampener on me starting estrogen and ganirelix that cycle. Oh, of course I shall call and beg and plead for early Hep C results, an early "clearance" letter and an early placement on the IVF schedule for Big New Clinic. I shall certainly try. But given how the beauracracy seems to go around here, I am beginning to think I might be cycling in August/September. And that's IF the cyst has shrunk on its own. If it hasn't, there'll be another couple of months wasted while I get the cyst operated on. Which is getting to be just plain ridiculous. I'm wasting fertility here, you wankers!

In better news, I had a physical exam this morning for my g.reen c.ard. The doctor was very nice, and agreed with the absurdity of testing me now for infectious diseases when I've already been in the country for six years and could have infected a whole bunch of people. He smiled and said "ahh, that's the American way!" with a twinkle in his eye. In fact, once we got to the questions he had to ask me and he had to ask if I was curently or ever had been insane, we had quite a chuckle over me saying "no, but wouldn't I say that even if I was insane?". So he ended up giving me the form, and asking me to tell him if I'd ever had any of the diseases listed, and that was that. I had to have a booster vaccine for tetanus and diptheria, and a skin test for tuberculosis that they will check on Friday. And if I pass that (and the HIV and syphillis tests, which I've only just had done for IVF and passed), I'll be all set.

The lost art of written communication

Why is it that there are a very large number of otherwise well-educated men in this world who think that it is perfectly acceptable for them never to have learned to type, and that short, terse emails with no capitalization is a perfectly proper means of communication?

I'm talking about my RE at Big New Clinic, Dr. S., in particular at this moment. Now, I should say first of all that it is wonderful that he responds to emails, and responds quickly. My last RE didn't do that at all. He didn't like being at the beck and call of the computer, so his nurses would return emails sporadically on his behalf. If at all. So, actually getting a quick response from the actual doctor is great, and lovely, and all that.

But the quality of said emails is rather lacking.

I emailed him to let him know that my hep C tests were totally clear. Foolishly I mentioned that we were retesting in a month, just to be doubly sure. I asked what to do about the cyst. He emailed back a short, pithy reply which essentially said that we won't do anything until my doctor clears me.

There he goes with the "clearance" obsession. I'm sorry, what about "I do not have hepatitis C" do you not understand? Isn't that clearance enough? His emails just leave me screaming for more. For more understanding, more clarification, more punctuation, for eff's sake. Just more.

Of course, in actuality, I can't cycle until July/August anyway because of Big New Clinic's annoying lab closures, so I have to sit out a month. Again. I had to sit out March for the same reason. So it doesn't matter if we decide on cycling again after my next hep C test. And I will ask my internist to fax Dr. S. something with the magic words in it. But I would like to keep an eye on that cyst, because I don't want to finally get the approval to cycle again and then find out that the cyst has swelled even more. And then have to sit out yet more time for a cyst removal or something. Because at that rate, it's going to rapidly get towards a year since my last cycle, and that's frankly ridiculous.

So I'm going to march down to my local RE's office and just get the darn ultrasound done at next cycle day 2. And screw Dr. S. and his "clearance" obsession. The u/s could be tomorrow or Wednesday, depending if today's spotting turns into anything more meaningful.

So there. I'm taking charge. If I want someone to stick a dildocam where the sun don't shine, by gum I'm going to get them to do it.

And thank you all so much for your comments, by the way! I'm so happy that you're happy for me! Gives me the warm fuzzies all over. However, it pains me that other internets got bad news when I got such good news and I never usually acknowledge that pain here because it always makes me uneasy to do so, especially as most of said internets don't know me from Adam. But I'm thinking of you all - people with bad news, people with good news, and people just waiting for something to happen, damn it.

Oh My Fucking Gawd

I am one of those people. I made the 5%. Satistics were my friend for once.

The blood tests were negative!!!!!

No virus, no antibodies, normal liver tests. It was a false positive. I do not have hepatitis C. All that worry and angst over the damn positive test for nothing.

I am SO relieved. Can't even begin to tell you how relieved. More than fucking relieved. I am utterly dumbstruck and amazed. My cholesterol was sky high, though, so he wants me to try dietary/exercise modifications and go back in a month when we will retest the hep C just to make sure and retest the cholesterol again to decide whether I need treatment.

Thank you God.

Things you don't know about me

I've been tagged by Cali !

7 things you may not know about me, but then again, knowing me, I'm probably repeating myself.

1) I didn't get my first car until I was 26. I just didn't need it in most of the places I lived up to then, and I can't say I was really keen to start driving. But once I did, I actually loved the freedom it provides. Even if I still would take trains everywhere if I could.

2) I secretly love opera.

3) I distinctly remember my first taste of avocado. It was at my friend Rachel's house - I'd stayed for dinner after elementary school one night and they had salad. With this alien substance called avocado. It cracked my world open thinking that there were these exotic, sophisticated people who had avocado for dinner. In my town. Who knew? I'd never even heard of such a thing before. At my house, salad was limp lettuce, a bit of tomato, some cucumber, green onions (that I didn't like) and maybe some pickled beets (ditto on not liking them). With salad cream that I didn't like either. I did not get a good start in life with salad!

4) I shave my toes every now and then. Yup, hairy toes. Ewwww.

5) I often don't shower at the weekend. Even if I go out and do yard work or something. Sometimes I just like to sit around stinking. It seems like an honest smell. Not that I'd go out in public smelling the place up, you understand. Well, maybe to Winn Dixie where I know I'll be in good company, but nowhere else.

6) I cannot let a day go by without cleaning out my ears with Q-tips. Even though you're not supposed to do that, but I just can't not do it. It gets all nasty feeling if I don't.

7) I was a competitive swimmer when I was a kid. I was a pretty mean backstroker (backstrokist?) if I do say so myself. But laziness won out, and I didn't want to practice twice a day or get up at 5am so I gave it up.

OK, as far as tagging goes, as usual everyone I want to tag has either done this already or probably doesn't read my blog (hmm, maybe I should have posted about my insecurities??). So, consider yourself tagged if you read this and feel like doing it.

In immigration news, I have made my appointment for my medical exam, which is set for next Wednesday. I also dug out old vaccination proofs last night, and of course I don't have them all, so I guess for some things we'll have to test to see if I am immune. Or maybe the doctor will just give me some shots right there and then. I was also horrified to find I had the wrong type of birth certificate, as I only have a short form, and don't have a copy showing my parents names, which apparently I need. I imagined this would involve a lengthy delay, but luckily in the internet age you can order the darn things on line and they'll even try to mail them the next day for an extra fee. Score! So I've ordered a copy from England, and paid the premium processing fee in the hopes that this won't delay things too much. Should be OK, I think.

Aaaand, in hep C news, tomorrow is the day. The day I will know. It was hard to fall asleep last night thinking about everything, so I imagine that tonight will be even worse. Gack. This is it, people. The truth, plain and unvarnished. No more hoping for false positives. A potential IVF delay of over 6 months. Eeeek. I'm pretty nervous now, I have to admit. I feel my heart racing every time I think about it, and have to work to calm myself down. It will all be OK in the end, though. I hope.

ETA: Just in case the fact that this post is dated "Wednesday" and I'm saying "tomorrow is the day" could cause confusion, my appointment is not today. I started the post yesterday, got caught up in work and finished it today. In my defense, it takes a while to think up 7 things! But it looks like it's kept yesterday's date. Just to confirm - the appointment is tomorrow, Friday, and this is Thursday, despite evidence to the contrary. Or I'm in Groundhog Day or something.

Um, so, wow. Big news!

OK, 3 more days, yadda yadda yadda.

But here's the big news of the day:

The US government has been working away diligently, and all of a sudden they've cleared some immigration backlogs. Meaning that I am cleared to file my ad.justment of st.atus to get my g.reen card! Whoop!! Yes, to eagle-eyed readers, this is the very thing that I was told in January would take another 3 years for me to be able to do.

Umm, like, wow. I have to have a physical to prove that I am healthy. Bwahahaha! Luckily, hep C is not on the list of prohibited diseases. Phew, phew and double phew. But I will have to get a hep B vaccination, so I'll have to ask the internist if that's safe for me to do right now.

Now, obviously it'll take a while to get all the reams of paperwork together, book the physical, take the tests, find my old vaccination records, have new vaccinations, etc, etc. And when I say reams of paperwork, I mean the forms together pretty much make up a small book. But lordy! Here I have sat, annoyed at my job, seething that I couldn't go anywhere else, and this week I've actually been having a good week at it, working away diligently, and bam, here's my opportunity to change jobs if I really want to. And I don't think I'm ready! How ridiculous is that? But I just haven't figured out that old second career thing, or where in the country I might move to, or how on earth I'd tell my aunt that I'm ditching Florida. So I actually have to start thinking about what I really want, and figuring out what I'm going to do. Not that I'd do anything until after the next IVF is over, of course. I guess it gives me a great opportunity for if the IVF fails, of completely changing my life. And if it works, I'll be staying put anyway because I finally reached maximum benefit entitlement so I'll want as much maternity benefit as possible.

But ooh, I'm all giddy! This week is turning out to be a trip so far. Still hoping it doesn't all come crashing down on Friday.

4 more days

4 more days until I know the Hep C situation.

Not that anyone's counting, of course. Me? Obsess? Never!

In food/healthy living news, though, I lost 2lbs last week! Score!

And my aunt loved her M-day flowers, so that worked out well. In fact, she positively gushed about them, so that made me feel better, and I managed to avoid pretty much all mention of the day by not turning the TV on, and not socializing, so I didn't dwell too much on things.

All in all, apart from the 4 more days thing, it's been a pretty good start to the week.

Taking charge

I am still loving The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova. The link is two or three posts down. I have read it twice now, and I really feel energized by it. My therapist was telling me that I have to see this delay in the IVF as a positive thing, to think about the benefits and blessings. And so I'm trying to jump in with both feet and think that what I really need to do is go at this IVF with everything I've got. Oh sure, I said for previous IVFs I was really giving them everything, but I wasn't. Not everything.

You see, I was still giving the power for my own health and fertility to other people. To the doctors and acupuncturists and manufacturers of herbal preparations. I was looking for healing to come from the outside in, whereas I need to look for healing from the inside out. I need to figure out what it is that's holding me back, that's blocking me, that's preventing me living in the moment and potentially conceiving. While of course availing myself of the best that modern medicine has to offer, but in a partnership, not a giving-over of power.

So I cancelled this week's acupuncture session. And every alternate session thereafter. I'm not ready to give it up entirely, but I'm going down to once every two weeks. I figure I've got all the healing out of acupuncture that I'm going to get, but I can keep going as a prop. Routine maintenance, as it were. I may switch down to once every month if I get brave. And I gotta say, it felt like such a rush. Like I was finally taking charge. Just because Randine Lewis says that acupuncture is the Infertility Cure doesn't mean that it's MY infertility cure. So even though it may seem on the outside to be such a small thing - after all, I'm still going to be going, albeit less often, on the inside it feels much bigger than that. Much much bigger.

I've also been experimenting with foods, and I made a kick-ass miso soup yesterday, even if I do say so myself. I've never made "real" miso soup before, just always used a packet mix. But I made a kombu broth, and then mixed in fresh miso paste. Oh the heavenly smells that wafted up! It was like my body was saying "yes, yes, yes!" Seaweed and miso! Gimme, gimme, gimme. Who knew? When I thought my body craved ice cream and dark chocolate, eating this stuff felt like manna from heaven. And it was so deeply satisfying to eat it. I felt that finally I was nourishing myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I try to eat healthily anyway, but I feel that Julia has shown me which foods really deeply nourish me and which foods I should avoid.

So, there we are. I'm putting a positive spin on the delay. And, hell yes, I'm going to avoid church tomorrow. But next week I intend to start going again. Of course, by next weekend, I will know the score with the Hep C. I have to say, it's going to be so much easier to keep up the positive thinking if I have no viral load and am cleared to cycle again. If I have to have interferon treatment, I'm sure it'll be very easy to crumble and fall. But I'm determined to cross that bridge only if I get to it. I very easily fall into worrying about things that may never happen and basing such worries on imaginings (like imagining that a positive Hep C means no more IVF ever and no adoption - not true). So, here's hoping. Here's hoping that I can maintain the momentum, and not fall into the pit of despair if the test results don't go according to plan.

So, the Mother's Day post

Mother's Day, oh Mother's Day, why are you always such a kick in the teeth?

If there's one holiday that I dislike more than Mother's Day, I can't think of it right now. Valentine's Day comes a close second, but mostly I just find it kind of stupid. Mother's Day makes me downright sad.

First there's the fact that my own mother has died. Every year I have to watch commercials trying to lure people to buy stupid trinkets for their moms, or advertising some Sunday brunch special that I'm not going to go to. Then there's the fact that I'm infertile, and may never be a mom. Sure, I try to hold out hope, but sometimes it is hard. No mother + not being a mother is a double whammy for an infertile, I think. Then there's the fact that I'm still single, so have no mother-in-law or husband to put some of my emotional energy on to. Then there's the fact that my aunt, who is more of a mom to me than anyone else, has a child that refuses contact with the family so she has her own sadness over Mother's Day and every time I get her flowers or something I worry that I'm just making her remember that I'm not the true daughter who should be doing that for her.

Mother's Day itself, as a concept, is not so bad. Yes, we should honor the mothers in our society, and our own mothers in particular. They are worthy of thanks, and at least one day a year of being treated as special people. That's all fine and dandy. It's the TV ads that get me. That make you feel that you are only normal if you are out buying your mom a camcorder or something. And seriously, who does that? I've never met a mom who would like a camcorder for Mother's Day over a nice meal, a hug and maybe some flowers. And then of course, there's the whole church thing. I'd like to maybe start going to church again, and had thought of going this Sunday. Until I remembered it was Mother's Day, so that's what the service is bound to be about. Which will probably make me cry. What's a girl to do?

Oh well, come Monday it'll be over again for another year. I will, as I do with everything, endure.

Fertile female

Read this book if you're dealing with infertility.

Awesome.

Much better than her first book. Much better.

And that's all I'm going to say on the subject. But this is giving me hope again. I feel peaceful and calm and centered. Even though I'm going through this trauma of the hepatitis C diagnosis, it's helping me to believe that it's still possible to have a child.

Public Service Announcement

Wow, thanks to Marie Baguette. She found a site that I didn't find, and I've been googling fairly obsessively. It is here. Thank you, thank you blogosphere, for your support and information. First of all, it is a more recent study than those I found, and while I was finding things that said "as many as 10% of patients with hepatitis C have no known risk factors", or "10-15% of patients have no known risk factors", this one says that 20-40% of patients have no known risk factors. 20-40%! And look at all those things that people did in the year they got infected - surgery, intravenous drips, intramuscular injections, acupuncture, manicures and pedicures. Wow. It recommends that this information is made more widely available.

Uh, yeah. That would have been nice. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I thought that Hep C was like HIV. That you'd have to pretty much know where you got it from - intravenous drug use, sex, etc. Not that you could have a small puncture wound with a presumably sterile needle and then somehow pick it up. Would it have stopped me doing IVF? No, probably not. It may have given me pause before doing acupuncture, I guess, given that that was really an unnecessary addition. Can't say I've had any manis/pedis in the last couple of years (pedis always made me a bit squeamish) but I can say I'm not going back again for a pedicure at least.

I wish they would make this information more available. It makes me want to start telling everyone to be careful out there. That, you know, infertility treatment isn't just hard on your wallet, your hormones and your emotions. It could open you up to other problems. Injectable medications aren't a no-brainer. Acupuncture may not be entirely safe. An IV drip for egg retrieval? Is it worth it all?

So, anyway, I am moving more towards acceptance. I am moving on from denial. I figure I have it, that this was not a false positive test. And strangely, the need to know where I got it from is abating. Could be the donor sperm, could be the IVF itself, could be the acupuncture. Could be something unrelated. I'll never know. Or at least, never be able to prove anything for certain. I can live with that uncertainty. It just means that life has dealt me a shit hand. Before infertility I'd probably have been more angry and more needy about figuring out where the infection came from. But now that I've been dealt the shit infertility hand, I've already gone through the "why me?" angst and I don't have the strength to go through it all again. Why me is just because sometimes shit happens. There's no rhyme or reason. Life just sucks major ass sometimes. Of course, maybe I just haven't hit the anger stage, or whatever the stages of grief are that you have to go through.

But, whatever, in two weeks I will know. I had my appointment with the internist yesterday, and he seemed like a nice guy. He is running a shit load of tests on me, some of which I'm sure have no bearing on hepatitis but he seems to be running them because he can. Or maybe he just wants every tiny piece of information possible before deciding on what treatment to give me, and wants to know if I am healthy enough to cope with the treatment, which is pretty nasty, let's face it.

So I have a different type of two week wait now. Not the two week wait for pregnancy test results but nasty disease test results. I'm sure I'll be every bit as anxious and distracted as I am before a beta test. I've already been mentally rehearsing the conversation with the big boss at work where I ask for reduced hours for interferon treatment, but let's hope it doesn't come to that, eh. I'd much rather do another IVF than waste more than 6 months injecting myself with really nasty drugs. At least I have the injection techniques down pat though, so that will help I suppose.

58.9

58.9

That's the number that is going around in my head today. That is the number that will spell doom and gloom for at least the next few weeks, possibly for the rest of my life.

58.9

I got a copy of my lab report sent by Big New Clinic, and it arrived in the mail yesterday. This is the value for my hep C test. Less than 1 is negative. I'd been reading how less than 3.5 is very often a false positive, whereas over 9.9 is 95% certain to be a true positive. So of course, I assumed that my result would be 3.4, or heck, maybe 5.6 or something. You know, something nice and low that would reassure me that this would just be a silly false positive. Because how can I have hep C? I have done NOTHING risky since the last two negative tests. NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

But it came back at 58.9. There go all my hopes of it being a false positive. Well, I can hope to be in that 5% but really, since when have statistics gone my way lately?

Fuck.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I wuv ya tomorrow

OK, so exactly how long do your liver enzymes stay affected after drinking too much alcohol?

I decided last night that a glass of wine with dinner would be very nice. After all, if I'm about to get a diagnosis of a chronic liver disease, I may as well make hay while the sun shines. Of course, of course, I have a little self-restraint issue when it comes to red wine so one glass turned into three. And I am not stingy on the pour, so I am feeling a little worse for wear this morning.

And wouldn't you know it, the internist's office called to say they needed to reschedule Monday's appointment. My heart sank when they said that, because I was imagining another three weeks delay. But no, they are going to fit me in tomorrrow at 3pm. So there go all my plans of having a non-alcoholic weekend so that my liver is in tip-top condition for the tests just in case. And the secretary casually mentioned that I need to fast for 4 hours before coming in, so there also go my plans for a nice Friday lunch.

But, eek! I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow!

On a related note, I did a pubmed search for hep c and ivf, and found this:

Impaired ovarian stimulation during in vitro fertilization in women who are seropositive for hepatitis C virus and seronegative for human immunodeficiency virus.

OBJECTIVE: To analyze the impact of seropositivity with hepatitis C virus (HCV) on in vitro fertilization (IVF) outcomes. DESIGN: Retrospective, case-controlled study. SETTING: Fertility clinic of academic hospital. PATIENT(S): 42 IVF/intracytoplasmic sperm injection cycles in HCV-seropositive women and 84 matched control cycles. INTERVENTION(S): IVF/intracytoplasmic sperm injection treatment for infertility. MAIN OUTCOME MEASURE(S): Ovarian response to stimulation, laboratory findings, and implantation and pregnancy rates. RESULT(S): Absence of ovarian response was statistically significantly higher for HCV-seropositive women compared with controls (10/42 vs 5/84 cycles, respectively). For cycles with oocyte retrieval, HCV-seropositive women required more gonadotropin units compared with controls. The maximum estradiol levels and number of collected oocytes were similar, but HCV-seropositive women had statistically significantly fewer embryos available compared with controls. Embryo morphologic features, number of transferred embryos, and rates of implantation and pregnancy were similar for HCV-seropositive women and controls. CONCLUSION(S): When compared with matched uninfected controls, HCV-seropositive women display a decreased ovarian response.

Doesn't that just put the icing on the cake? I know, I should be grateful that they do IVF on hep C positive people. I know that. But as someone who is already diagnosed as a poor responder this kind of ratchets up the fear a bit - what if I go through all this, do the IVF and then have no response at all? And given that my last negative hep C test was the same month as my first IVF, I don't think that I could blame the previous poor responses on hep C.

Chitchats on the sofa

I had my second therapy session last night, and won't have another one for four whole weeks! Four weeks! The therapist is going to be away for 3 weeks, and I guess next week she's saving appointments for the really needy people. Not that she said that, but why else wouldn't she offer me a time slot? Aren't I needy enough?

Anyway, I have lots of homework, books to read, journals to write, thoughts to process, so it will actually give me an opportunity to see how well I do on this on my own, and whether I will need to go back for many more sessions after she is back in town.

As for whether I liked it any more, I don't know. I do feel a bit more positive about things, but is that due to the stuff I am doing, or due to her? Again, we didn't really get into any deep stuff. I wonder if part of that is my tendency to fill the time with any old fluff that comes out of my mouth so I can just prattle away any silent bits, or if she is waiting to pounce. Or maybe we'll never get into the really deep stuff? Not sure.

As for the relationship stuff, I said I was open to one, but that it was not my focus at the present time, and I think we successfully moved on from that. We talked about positive thinking, and seeing blessings in things, like trying to see that this is only a delay and the delay may bring me benefits such as giving me longer to get my body in good shape for the cycle, and get my mind in a more positive place.

She wants me to be doing positive affirmations and visualizations. She wants me to forgive myself for judging myself over past actions, to accept that we are where we are today and there's no point blaming myself for not starting trying to conceive earlier and various other things that I tend to blame myself for.

I also am going to try to start seeing the next cycle as my last one. But not in the way of saying to myself that it is the last one and that's it, finito, done, no more, but more in the sense of giving myself permission to stop after the next cycle. That I think I've done enough and tried hard enough with my own eggs, and that after the next cycle I will be at the stage where I won't be having any regrets of "if only I'd tried this or that". The therapist said I should also think about it being the last one because maybe it'll work. Well, duh. But I suppose with my incessant need to always have the next step planned out in my head, maybe I have not been allowing myself to believe that the cycle may actually work.

So, I dunno, I'm still sort of trying this because it's the one thing I haven't tried. You know, seeing if all that mind stuff really does make a difference. And maybe she'll keep me on the straight and narrow as far as not giving up on the relaxation and visualization exercises. But it's a very expensive pastime if I'm just going to have a genial chat once a week. Aren't I supposed to be feeling more like I need it? Or maybe I'm still in the phase of trying to impress her with my normalcy and am still hiding the bitterness. Oh well, we shall see what happens at the next appointment. In four weeks.

Fog bound

I feel like today I might be emerging from the fog.

All of a sudden I feel like I might be able to cycle again, and it might be OK, even if I do end up having antibodies to Hepatitis C. The cyst might go down, and I might stim just fine. Of course, July/August is still an awfully long time away but whatever. It is what it is, and no amount of whining and carrying on is going to change that.

I feel like I'm able to think a bit more clearly today, and I feel like I'm no longer going around in circles in the fog, concentrating on the fact that I may have a chronic disease. If I have it, I have to accept that fact and figure out what to do about treatment, if any, I have to do, or what lifestyle changes I have to make. If I don't have it, I will thank my lucky stars.

I do still feel like this postponement has pushed me closer to doing just one last cycle at Big New Clinic, rather than possibly doing two last cycles, so I guess I've ratcheted up the pressure on myself. But I'm going to try to cross each bridge as I come to it, and not make premature decisions. If the cycle fails, that will be the time to decide about another one, not now.

I sent an email to Dr. S. asking him about the Hep C and exactly what this means as far as cycling at Big New Clinic. I also asked for a list of exactly which tests they want me to have run in order to cycle again, and what the plan for the cyst is. I hope he responds and gives me some useful information. If not, at least I tried. I think that's going to be the motto of my life - at least I tried.

ETA: Well, bless his heart, he already responded. Not that I understand exactly what the email says. It talks about "getting cleared" for the Hep C. What's "getting cleared"? Proving that I don't have it, or proving that it's not affecting me?

you need to get cleared for the hepatitis c by the internist they can determine what testing you need to clear you for treatment and pregnancy
After that then we can proceed with IVF
the cyst is not a big deal; we will determine what to do with it once you are cleared
call me after your internist has cleared you and we can determine what to do

good luck

Thinking out loud

Thank you for the thought-provoking comments. I tend not to delve too deeply into some of these issues, so it is good to be prompted to think about certain things. Heh, you never know, maybe the blog will become my therapy because you guys will prompt me to think more about stuff!

First, about the therapist. Yes, she was recommended by the not-so-nice acu, but she was also recommended by the lovely acu. The reason I keep going to the same acu office is that I love one of them to pieces, and I rarely have to deal with the not-so-nice acu. Unfortunately, the lovely one is the junior acu and hasn't been out of school too many years so has to defer to the senior acu on treatment plans, etc, and is I guess not as experienced in dealing with bawling patients. On the whole, however, I think if the lovely acu says that patients have a great experience with this therapist, it is worth giving her a few sessions. Irrespective that she may also be recommended by the senior acu.

And she is experienced in infertility. She wrote her PhD thesis on infertility, and went through infertility herself. Now, she never actually did any treatments as her and her husband made the decision not to, so her perspective of IVF is not that of someone who has been through it, but she tried to conceive naturally for many years. In fact, she said right up to menopause last year at the age of 54 she would mourn each cycle. And she got married and started TTC at 39, so that's quite a long period of time, although I think by 42 she had given up really trying. She says she has many many infertility patients, some of whom travel to Big New Clinic like me, some of whom travel to other out-of-state places, and she has done seminars on mind/body aspects to infertility with docs from my old RE's office.

She has promised that we will do a lot of mind/body stuff, and will be working through a lot of the exercises from Alice Domar's book, so I am hopeful that that will involve lots of coping strategies. So I hope once we get down to work next week, that it will be less fact finding, and more helpful. If not, I don't have to go back again.

She may very well have an agenda on the relationship thing. I will be more alert to that. But I think (I hope) that the focus on being open to a relationship is only temporary. It's the first thing to suggest if someone takes a look at my life as a whole and sees that I'm not happy, and once I start saying (and believing) that I AM open to a relationship, hopefully the focus will move on. I figure that I can be "open" without actually needing to go off in a frantic search for someone. Being open is not the same as actively doing. OK, I may need to put myself out in the world a bit more, but that doesn't necessarily have to involve meeting future romantic interests - maybe I'll end up meeting more female friends. Besides, nothing is going to stop me from cycling at Big New Clinic, unless Big New Clinic themselves refuse to treat me. So, nothing will deter me from that course. However, the next cycle may very well be my last IVF, and my last attempt at conceiving with my own eggs, so there ARE a lot of big picture, whole life things that are affecting me right now. Facing that last cycle, and knowing when to stop is all very scary to me. There is going to be an "after" the next IVF, which may involve a baby (or preferably two), or may involve a bleak future filled with problems. The need to deal with the latter of those two scenarios weighs heavily on my mind, so I do need big picture help as well as immediate coping strategies.

But, of course, everybody has a bias, and I have reporter's bias. I often zoom in on the portion of what a person is saying that makes me most uncomfortable. So I came away thinking all about the "open to relationships" thing because that hit a nerve with me. I have not been open to a relationship. Therefore, when I perceive someone as criticizing me for that (she was not criticizing - just putting my emotional reaction on it here), it hits me more than her saying that she also thought of trying on her own before meeting her husband, or anything else that I may have perceived as agreeing with me. So I could have skewed the importance that she placed on the relationship issue.

Oh, and on the question of whether I want a baby because I really want to have an intimate relationship. No, I want a child or children. I want to procreate. I want to spawn! It is unrelated, in my mind. Sure, I may or may not be closed minded about wanting a relationship with a guy, but I do not see a child as any sort of substitute for an intimite adult relationship. So I don't think I'm trying to fill a void, I really don't. Well, the void of not having children, but to my mind the relationships you form with children and a loving partner are so totally different that I don't equate the two. I do have loving relationships with other family members, and I do have relatively close friends, so it's not that I don't have love in my life. What I don't have right now is a supporting, loving person that really understands the pain of infertility and who can say something useful in support.

In related news, I finally checked just how much insurance coverage I get for counselling. And it is crap. I hate my insurance! I get 50% of what I pay for sessions, but only after a $750 deductible has been paid, so the first 4-5 sessions are only going to be building up the deductible. Insurance companies are evil. How could you ever afford therapy if you didn't have a good job? I mean, sure, this is an out-of-network benefit, but the in-network benefit for therapy was only 60%, so it wasn't much better.

On the therapist's couch

So, I did it, I went to my very first therapy session ever. Which is an odd thing to me as I've always prided myself on being able to work through my issues myself. But, I went.

Veni, vidi, vici. As they say. Maybe. If I have my latin quotations correct.

Except I didn't conquer. I'm not sure what I really thought of the therapy. Of course, it was only the first session. It was more of a fact-finding session really, for me to explain what I'd done and where I thought I was at. She asked a few questions but I don't even remember what most of them were.

The big thing I came away with was that she wants me to be open to having a relationship in my life. That I need to be focussing on things other than infertility, so that if I never get pregnant, I have some sort of a life to pick up and can see some future in. But mostly I need to be open to a relationship. Because, after all, maybe I can try to conceive with a partner. Except I don't really see how you can meet a guy and be trying to conceive the next week - don't you usually wait a couple of years? I don't feel like I have a couple of years to see where the relationship goes. My eggs need to get fertilized NOW, before they shrivel up.

Here's the big secret, though. I'm not really open to a relationship. I'm safe in my little solo bubble. OK, it's boring a lot of the time, but it's safe. I'm really not interested enough in the positives of a relationship for the want of those things to outweigh the desire to remain safe. Or at least for me to want to go out and actively try to find a relationship. Opening myself up to someone has only caused hurt in the past, so it's something I tend not to want to do. So, it is something I need to work on, I guess. I am trying to repeat to myself that I am open to a relationship. I am open to a relationship. See, I said it.

You know, I could be open to a relationship with the right guy. Do you think it's OK to start off with being open to a relationship with a skinny dorky pacifist vegetarian who doesn't mind women with some cellulite and chunky thighs, who's into being green and can hold a decent conversation. And who likes red wine and dark chocolate. I'm not sure if guys like that exist, and if I'm just looking for a reflection of me (well, except the skinny part - maybe that's just a reflection of who I'd like to be) but maybe if I start off thinking I'm open to that, maybe I can expand my horizons to more realistic types of guys as I get a bit more comfortable with the theory.

But as far as coping strategies, I didn't come away with any. Except homework to read Alice Domar's book, and a promise that we will work on some of the mind/body stuff together. Oh, and I'm supposed to journal. I said I blogged, and asked if that counted, but the therapist thought that blogging was too public, and I need to do some free writing and just let things pop into my head.

I don't know. I don't know if this is going to work. I don't think I'd be going if I hadn't already tried pretty much everything else. I don't think I'd be going if I hadn't reached the point of crying far too easily over set backs. But what have I got to lose? Except yet more money, but hopefully insurance will reimburse me for some of it. So I'll see what she can do for me.

Adventures in Therapyland

Well, I have my very first therapy appointment tomorrow at 6pm. I'd made an appointment already for May 2nd, as that was the first "evening" appointment the therapist had. Mind you, the May 2nd appointment is for 5pm which is practically mid-afternoon to me and doesn't qualify in my book as "evening" especially as she's not in my city so I'd have to leave work at 4pm. But a cancellation opened up for tomorrow at 6, so she's fitting me in early. I'm not quite sure what to expect. I mean, I think it will be helpful to work through everything but I'm not sure whether to expect that this is going to be a lengthy process, or whether I'll end up going for 4 sessions or something and have enough tools to help me deal with the disappointments. We shall see. We shall see if I even like her. I must admit, she's kind of annoyed me on the phone already but hey, you can't have everything in life. She was highly recommended by both acus, and at least I'm trying.

In hep C news, I was trying to tell my aunt that I really may have this. They've already done the back-up test that is supposed to be the definitive this-is-not-a-false-positive test. And she's having none of it, saying that if I've caught it from doing nothing, then everybody would have it. So it MUST be a false positive. Which is true, I try to think that too, but most doctors are going to look at the test and stop there. She wants me to demand that the new doctor rerun the diagnostic test at not one, but two labs. Which I think I will, even though he'll think I'm crazy and I'll have to pay cash for at least some of the testing I'm sure, as only one lab is covered by my insurance. But if I have it I would still want her and the rest of the family to get tested. I think she's in denial because I basically insinuated that if I really have it, my cousin is suspect #1 as he's who I've shared towels and bathrooms with most. She also wanted me to call the RE to see if he could tell me if we can test the vial of frozen sperm I have in storage to see if I got it from the sperm. Um, yeah, they test the guy's blood for the antibody and the actual virus before they let him donate, and then they retest his blood every 3 months for the antibody. I think we'd know by now if he had it. And I don't think they can test sperm for it.

Sulking

I went to the acupuncturists yesterday morning and told them about the cancellation. I dissolved into tears. I seem to do that a lot at the acupuncturists. I said I was unhappy that we didn't seem to be getting anywhere, that I read in The Infertility Cure of women who seemed to be "fixed" within 6 weeks and I have now been doing acupuncture for 2 years. 2 looong years. I wailed about my unhappiness about potentially having hepatitis C. I wailed about having a cyst when I haven't taken meds for months and months and I was getting frustrated with the constant reply I get from them that my body is still recovering from the last IVF. Which was at the beginning of December, so I feel like I damn well should be recovered from it.

I am worrying more and more about the hep C result, in case it is a real positive and not a false positive. I did some googling, and hep C is remarkably easy to catch. In 10-15% of cases they have no clue how the person got hep C. No clue at all. You don't have to be doing any risky behavior to catch it. Now, I have been living a fairly monk-like existence ever since I started trying to conceive. Sure, I may have shared a towel with my cousin when washing my hands. I may have hugged someone with the disease who didn't know they had it. And that's it. No needle sharing, no razor sharing, no toothbrush sharing. Definitely no sex or full on kissing. But I keep thinking, what if? What if I really have it? It could be a real positive. And then I'm going to have to tell all my friends and family to get tested because I couldn't bear the thought of them having caught it from me. Or vice versa, if I'm being honest. It's just so depressing. AND it would mean no more alcohol, ever. Ever. Ever. Can you bear the thought of never having another glass of wine again, for no reason? For some random reason that one day you had a little cut on your hand that you didn't notice and shared a towel with someone who didn't know they had a disease? That's it, no more vino. It's a cruel and unusual punishment.

And I don't know if anyone would prevent me from cycling or adopting with hep C. I haven't been told that or read it anywhere. But why test for it then? If medical people are supposed to assume that everyone has HIV and be careful of their blood, and if the real main difference with hep C is to require a C-section or something, why test if you are a fertility clinic? Unless you want to refuse treatment? And of course, now I'm worrying about getting deported too. Before I get my green card I have to prove that I have no communicable diseases. Haha, I bet hep C is on the list. I bet I'll have caught it in the States, and the States will throw me out back to England for having it so that the National Health Service will have to foot the bill.

Anyway, back to the acupuncturist. I ended up in a meeting with both the assistant acu (who I heart) and the main acu (who I don't heart). As usual, the main acu made me feel bad because she implied that I'm looking for a child to fill a void in my life, that my life is devoid of joy and that I have to change that first before a child will choose to come into my life. I said she was judging me unfairly, that the fact that I was miserable as sin was no reflection on me as a person. That I'd been pretty damn upbeat and positive most of last week. But it always cuts like a knife, because in a way she's right. I don't have the most joyous life. I don't have a wide circle of friends. I don't know how to have fun really without drinking or going out late at night, and I've cut all that out, partly because of TTC'ing and partly because of moving to the States where you have to drive everywhere. And I'm not into drinking and driving. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have friends. I go out occasionally. I do stuff. I try to find joy in walking along the beach, or looking at the flowers. I really do. But I feel trapped in my job, so there's a lot of angst too. But, I feel that she judges me because I'm single. I don't think she'd do this to me if I was partnered. Which pisses me off mightily. She said her intention wasn't to judge, but really it all just leaves me more depressed.

Anyway, I could go on. But they recommended a therapist who works a lot with infertility patients and who went through infertility herself. So I'm going to go and see her if I can, because after all, therapy is about the one thing I haven't tried yet. We'll see if it will help.

And finally, to wrap up the litany of woe, I checked the schedule of Big New Clinic, and of course if I wait two months the lab will be closed. So it will definitely be 3 months. Which means I won't be cycling until July/August. Which makes me want to scream in frustration. And hit things. But mostly makes me leak tears. I am doing a lot of that. Leaking. Oozing. With an occasional sob thrown in for good measure. Even Rescue Remedy isn't helping much this weekend.

What's the bloody point, eh?

I don't know if someone can enlighten me, but I've spent the night wondering what the bloody point of life is if you can't have kids. I just don't see it.

I'm very down. This is hitting me, in some ways, harder than the previous IVF failures. Even though it's not a failure - it's a postponement, I hope. But it could be a permanent postponement. And even if it is just a short hiatus, is it in fact a sign that I shouldn't be trying this at all. Why do I have roadblock after roadblock put up in front of me? Is the universe trying to get a message through my thick skull?

I just don't see the point any more. If I'm not meant to have kids, what on earth am I supposed to do with my life? Oh sure, Mother Theresa led a great, giving life. But I am not Mother Theresa. Far from it. I'm not sure what I could contribute to the world without providing children. I have always had a desire to have children. To reproduce, if we're going to get basic. I don't have that much of a desire to nurture. Especially not other people who are not related to me. I'm not an earth mother that wants to take in children to love them. I want my own children. Yes, I know it's terribly politically uncorrect to say that. Adopted children are the adopted parents own, because they were meant to be together. I get that intellectually. I don't get it viscerally. I want my own, biologically, genetically related children. To me, adoption IS a second best option. I am not one of the wonderful people that naturally turn to adoption. And I don't know if I ever could. Would I always be wondering that I'm giving a child, who deserves to be someone's first option, a second class chance at life, if I try to adopt as a consolation prize? People tell me I'd be a great mother, that I'd love any child, that I wouldn't have a problem loving an adopted child. But in order to get to that point, I have years worth of grieving to get through. Grieving the lost opportunity to have a child from my eggs. It's not something I can turn to easily.

But anyway, that is all academic musing. Because if I really have Hep C I doubt whether any adoption agency in the land would allow me to adopt. And I doubt any IVF clinic in the country would allow me to do IVF, or to do DE. So I'd be done. Forever. Childless. Barren. Pointless.

See, I'm back to pointless. I don't see the point of life without having children. I really don't. Any life without children in my future is a shadow life. A hanging on until death. Biding time. What's the fucking point?

Wait, it gets worse...

So, a nurse from Big New Clinic called me this morning, to say they'd got the ultrasound report and were waiting for the bloodwork before making a decision on the cyst. And incidentally they said they hadn't received my repeat HIV and nasty disease testing. I said I'd had all that stuff drawn in early March and gave them the name of the testing company. The nurse said she'd get the testing company to fax the results over.

I just got a call from a doctor at Big New Clinic. An actual doctor. You know it's bad when a doctor calls. Not only do I have a cyst, which they want to do nothing about and delay me for two months. Yes, two. One month before I repeat the ultrasound to see if the cyst is gone, and then I can start on the estrogen and ganirelix the following month. If it's gone. And of course, Big New Clinic closes its lab down periodically for cleaning, and I've got a sneaking suspicion that waiting two cycles will put me right into the period of time that the lab is closed. So I may even be benched for 3 cycles.

But here's the icing on the cake - my hepatitis C test came back positive. So I can't proceed with IVF at all until I can get that sorted out. They said that often these tests give a false positive, and that my prior tests showed that I was negative. So it's more likely than not a false positive, but I have to go to a doctor and get more tests, including liver function tests, so I can prove to Big New Clinic that I don't have hepatitis C.

Benched, benched, benched. Fuck.

I'm not actually worried about the hep C, as I have not taken part in any dangerous behaviors since the last negative test, nor have I had any blood transfusions. But still, it's a pain in the proverbial to have to retest everything. And of course I suppose there is always a small posibility that it is a real positive but slim. And if they'd followed up on these tests when they first asked for them, I'd have known this in March and got it sorted out by now. So it's pretty darn annoying.

And I don't even have a regular doctor, so now I have to find one.

A cyst, a cyst, my kingdom for a cyst

I went for my routine u/s screening this morning, to rule out cysts.

And the first words out of the u/s tech's mouth? "Are you having any pain or discomfort?" No, says I. "Oh," says she, "you have a 5cm cyst. Are you sure you're not in pain?"

A cyst! Damn and blast. I have been having these damn ultrasounds for, what, 2 and a half years. Not one cyst. And just when I am trying to arrange this complicated out-of-state cycling thing, just when I have told my boss I will be away for medical reasons, just when I got cocky and booked the effing flight, I get a cyst.

I am waiting for a call back. I can't believe that this means anything other than being benched for at least a month. Either they will just want me back in a month to see if it has gone away on its own, or they will want me on birth control pills, or they will want to aspirate it. Whatever happens, I do not think I am doing an IVF cycle this month.

Well, here we go.

Cycle day 1 today.

So I have an ultrasound booked for tomorrow morning, they'll take blood and fax the results off to Big New Clinic. Who'll then let me know if I'm cleared to start stims. Then it's back to my old RE for more bloodwork on Sunday. Then I might be hopping a plane to NY on Sunday night or Monday night. It all depends on what Sunday's bloodwork shows. Nothing like making it easy to plan, huh? If I have to get on a plane on Sunday night that'll be a tad stressful (not to mention expensive). Oh well, I'll just see how it goes.

I'm trying to cover up the sheer unadulterated terror that is rumbling along with some excitement. I think I'll be better once I actually get to NY. All I can think about for now are the stacks of work on my desk, the stacks of laundry at home and all the other things I need to take care of before I leave. Eeek. I can't quite believe that I'm actually traveling to do this. It's really quite surreal.

Stress monkey

I'm stressed.

Really stressed.

Ridiculously stressed.

And I know I shouldn't be. I know I should be calm and serene going into an IVF cycle because otherwise my chance of success might be lower. And that's stressing me out more.

Sigh.

Work is not going terribly well at the moment. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say I was seriously considering dusting off my resume yesterday. But to change jobs at the moment means changing continents due to my work visa situation so it requires some pretty major consideration. Not to mention the little matter of the IVF and potential baby. And the whole "I tried to move to the states and failed" connotations in going back.

And because work isn't going well, going away for the cycle is stressing me out more than usual. Even though I'm going to be working while I'm gone, the mere fact of being away from the office, trying to tell people that I'm leaving on an undetermined day and returning on an undetermined day, is all stressing me out.

It's all I could do yesterday to repeat to myself that it'll all turn out OK in the long run. And to breathe deeply every now and then. I didn't accomplish much actual stress reduction per se, but maybe did some damage control. I hope. I buried myself in a book in the evening, hoping for some serious escapism, which I mostly accomplished, so I at least had a few hours of not ruminating on my fate.

Maybe today will be a better day. I hope so. I need all my ducks in a row going into this potentially final cycle.

In pharmaceutical news, I am 2 estrogen patches down, with 2 to go, and 2 ganirelix shots down, 1 to go. Then the big wait for the red tide. It's all going fairly well, except the current estrogen patch is sticking to my knickers so going to the bathroom has to be done gently so I don't rip it off. The ganirelix has been burning a bit, and leaving red patches, but I've been taking care of that with my new miracle friend, Traumeel gel. It's a homeopathic remedy for bruises and the like and so far so good. No bruises!

Patchy

You'd think, as I was counting down to it, that I would have blogged about putting my first estrogen patch on. But, well, it was only a patch. Took all of...oooh...several seconds to apply. I was loving my patch last night - you really couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it, everything was lovely jubbly.

By this morning, the adhesive around the edge the patch had acquired a nice collection of fluff and other dirt particles so it has a lovely outline now, and I managed to give myself a nice red welt trying to remove a particularly large blob of adhesive that was oozing out of the side. And I can feel the patch irritating my skin. You see, I'm a sensitive flower. No, really. You can put all sorts of chemicals onto my skin and it doesn't give a fig. But put rough texture next to it or gasp! adhesive or stick something on there for any length of time, and it doesn't like it. So I am fairly confident that when it comes time to pull the patch off, I will have a nice red patch for several days. Lovely!

Tonight is the first ganirelix shot. Should be another easy one, as it's a preloaded syringe. Gotta love those - no thinking or mixing!

I've been sleeping badly again. I keep churning this whole IVF business in my head again. I can't help myself. It takes up all of my thoughts. All of them. Everything is consumed in some way or another with the IVF. I'm sick of it already, and it's barely started. I think once I get to NY and get that first scan out of the way I will be better. I just worry about what my ovaries are going to do - whether we can finally do it this time and produce a good enough quality egg (or two). God, I hope so.

It's the herb, dude

One. More. Day.

I've been temping a lot this cycle - well, I have continued temping all along, just because I like to know when ovulation happened, but there've been chunks of time when I didn't bother. Like during my period or most of the luteal phase. But this cycle I kept it going after ovulation. Not sure why really but I suppose I needed to feel like I was doing something. And I have been surprised, nay stunned, at how beautifully even my temperatures are. If only I'd had one of those classic dips on the day of ovulation, you could almost put my chart in a book as one of those "this is how your temperature chart should look" examples. Needless to say, most of the rest of the time you'd have put it in the "this shows temperatures varying a bit too much" section.

Anyway, I think it is all to do with the herbs I am taking. Because I'm certainly not being any healthier at the moment than previously, and in fact have been very stressed about work and going to bed far too late. So the herbs must be it. You see, I have been self dosing. Bad me. I'll slap my own hand for it - there's no need for you to do it. But, see, I felt that the acu just really wasn't doing enough for me and I felt that there were a lot of areas that we just weren't addressing. Therefore, I've been taking Chinese herbs on my own for the last three months without telling the acu. On top of the Chinese herbs that she has me take. Ha ha. My body is a science experiment. But right now I am on some herbs that the book "The Infertility Cure" says would be the best for preparing the average woman for IVF. They include a kidney yin formula, and a blood tonifying formula which I know I need and have been taking for a while. I've never really done any kidney yin tonification before because I didn't think I need it, and none of the acus have ever thought I needed it. [Yes, I've had consultations with more than one acu - four to be precise.] But ever since I've been taking it - boom, nice even temperatures. Just like that. Immediately, like. Instantaneous, and all that. Do you think this maybe really was the missing link? That I had an underlying kidney yin issue that no-one has really noticed before? No, don't answer that. I'm going to believe that this has fixed something that was never fixed before and try to add it to the fragile little tower of things I am clinging on to to give me hope.

Butt slapping

2 more days to go before the estrogen patches!

I got the patches and the ganirelix out of the big box o'drugs this morning, and carefully put them on my bedroom dresser, ready to go. Together with an appropriate quantity of alcohol pads, of course.

And then I read all the little patient information leaflets that came with the patches, just because I'm a dork like that. Not that I've read the ganirelix leaflets, but then that's a preloaded shot so it's so easy peasy there doesn't seem to be any need to bone up on the instructions. But I might do that tomorrow morning, because after all I'm always looking for a way to delay actually getting a shower and getting ready for work.

But I did discover something marginally useful from the patch instructions, which is that in tests women who put the patches on their butts had a slightly increased blood level of estrogen than women who put the patches on their bellies. That was enough for me! So we are butt slapping from Saturday.

Methaphor schmetaphor

So, what does it mean that when I post that the drought was making me think of my own ovaries drying up, lack of fertility, etc, the heavens open up and deluge us? Within a few hours of my post yesterday, it started raining, and boy did it rain. We got about 3" in one afternoon, and it kept raining all through the night.

This morning is bright and sunny, with perky plants who are reviving from the long drink that they managed to get. The grass has greened up overnight and while we are still in drought conditions, things are looking very much better.

Yes indeedy.

I promise I will stop whining about shrivelled up dried ovaries. At least until after the cycle is over.

3 more days to estrogen patchness!

The dread chronicles

I've been very uninspired about posting lately. I think it's the impending dread. I don't really want to do another IVF cycle, you see. Oh, don't get me wrong, I want the outcome, assuming the outcome is positive. Not so keen on the outcome if it is another negative. I just don't want to be doing this. Period. I just wish it had worked already. I wish I didn't have to keep pushing myself forward for one more attempt. Just one more. Which then turns into yet another one more because I can't quite give up yet. So I have cycle-dread. Dread that it won't work. Dread that I'll put myself through all those shots and other indignities for nothing again. Dread that I'll somehow have to find the money, time and energy for another cycle. Just plain dread.

I've also been having anxiety dreams. Not bad, wrenching anxiety dreams, but just little weird things. Like Saturday night, I dreamt that my friend and her boyfriend had taken me for a day long workup by the doctor in advance of the IVF, and it was my new RE, Dr. S. Except he was doing an endoscopy on me, and was sticking that big old tube down my throat without having given me any sedation first. I was panicking a bit and trying not to choke, but managed to hold it together. And when that was done, he wanted to stick some big old tube up the other end. At which I decided I needed a bathroom break, so my friend took me outside, flappy hospital gown and all, to look for a bathroom and there we were wandering around my high school with my butt hanging out, looking for a bathroom. And then we saw this weird dude from my work hanging out with a weird internet gal. And I was saying "huh, I never imagined those two ending up together". But they were putting on a show of being together and were actually planning some sort of sabotage of the school. Eventually we wandered back to the doctor's office, but I decided I didn't want the boyfriend to see all my girly bits, despite them having been on display for hours anyway, so I was getting all shy about that.

And then I got woken up so I never found out if I ever did get all the tests done.

I told you it was weird. I guess it's all just symptomatic of all the little anxieties that I've been building up. And yes, usually my anxiety dreams land me back in high school in some way or another. I'm sure it's all very deep and meaningful. But it's rare that I remember dreams so vividly - usually I'll have maybe one a year that I remember in so much detail.

I also have this sense of dread that is connected to the weather. We're in the middle of a severe drought, and have got water restrictions going on. It makes me uneasy, I think partly because it's evidence that the usually fertile mother earth is drying up, making me think of my ovaries, naturally, and partly because I worry about global warming and whether I'll even have a house to raise children in if the sea level rises. It's just an uneasiness, but you know, another little dread in the back of my mind.

I suppose it'll all get better once I start on the meds, which is in a mere 4 days, but we'll see.

Ugly donor thoughts

I got the positive ovulation test yesterday, and have called Big New Clinic to let them know I'll be starting estrogen patches on the 14th. And I finally got through to someone who knew about the necessary forms to enable me to get some vials of sperm shipped to them, so that's done. We're getting there! I can't quite believe sometimes that this is really going to happen. I'm really travelling out-of-state in a last(?) desperate attempt to get knocked up.

But anyhoo, I called the bank to double check on availability while waiting for the clinic to fax the form over, and my donor still has 15 vials left. The last time I called, a month or so ago, he had 18 vials left. So, he's a bit of a slow seller I guess. My previous two donors both sold out very quickly, which is one reason why I then switched, although at the time I was concerned that I wasn't getting pregnant due to something to do with the sperm, so I was thinking about that too. Of course, since then, Dr. M. point blank told me that the sperm was NOT what my issue was! Gee thanks. So I have now stuck with the same guy through all of my IVFs. Which is over a year.

Clearly a slow seller.

So I started to worry. I mean, the other guys sold out in 3 months or so, and he's still around? Wouldn't you worry? I dug up the baby photo, and have done some staring at it this morning. I mean, is he ugly? If you have a choice to create a "designer baby" as the tabloids like to call anything to do with donor gametes or PGD, wouldn't you want to aim for the baby look to like baby Bran.gelina? Not that any of my kids ever would, of course, seeing as they will (hopefully) have half of their genetic code from my family. But hey, we aren't a bad looking family. Not models, maybe, but not terrible, so I'm not expecting hideousness in any offspring of mine. Although I know genetics is a fickle fiend and you just never know. And if I throw an ugly donor in the mix, hideousness is probably more likely. Maybe it isn't ugliness but other people are seeing something I'm not? Or is it just his hair color (listed as red-brown or in other words auburn) that is putting people off? I don't see anything in his history that would be a red flag, and he's "proven" with prior pregnancies too. Maybe it's just because he's been listed as "limited availability" for a while?

It's so hard to tell ugliness when all you've got is a baby photo, though. It's not ugly to me, but I guess I can see that he wasn't necessarily the cutest baby ever in the history of the world. And trust me, I have ruled out several donors because I thought they were ugly babies so I'm not completely blind. But the ugly donor thoughts have started to rear their ugly heads. Why isn't my guy flying off the shelves? Are my kids going to be left on the proverbial shelf too?

I can see these thoughts growing out of proportion if this does actually work and I end up pregnant. I'll probably end up dreaming that I'm going to give birth to Quazimodo or something. Let's hope not. Ugly donor thoughts, please go away.

Oh the relief!

EWCM!

On CD13!

No, I'm not explaining those terms. If you know, you know. If you don't, well, tough.

But man, am I relieved. Things must be getting back to normal. I can't tell you how many times I have wondered over the last few months if I'd given myself PCOS or something from gaining weight and taking that darn DHEA for so long. I kept arguing with my acupuncturist that something must be permanently wrong with me because I'd had three full cycles with late ovulation and wacky luteal phases. She kept saying it was just residual stuff from the IVFs, but three whole cycles? I mean, how long does this stuff mess you up for? And, if it really does mess you up that badly, what is the effect on pregnancies conceived from IVF?

The good news, though, is that this is now my third cycle with lots and lots of lovely EWCM. I never used to have much before, and always would either have to go digging to look for it, or would have to rely on the nurse telling me I had it when she was doing the IUI. So I think one herb or other that I am taking has been having a positive effect.

So, anyway, the upshot is that I should have my LH surge today or tomorrow, I hope, and then we are set for starting the estrogen and ganirelix. AND I'm in a good mood. Life can't be all bad, eh?

Tax time is here again

I had a wonderful, peaceful weekend, in which I puttered in the garden and saw no-one. Well, apart from the acupuncturist. But it was so wonderful, it made me think how much of a solitary person I really am - I have the best time when it's just me and the cat, a sunny day and a good book. And when the weather is the right temperature to have the windows open and breezes wafting through the house. I did lots of weeding, and even mowed the lawn with my new push mower. Yup, a manual push mower. Those things are way easier than they used to be folks, and so much better for the environment.

At times I really felt like it was the calm before the storm of IVF#5 starts up. I have a really good attitude this time and am being very Zen, so far, so if it doesn't work, nobody can say I was too stressed.

I finally did all my tax forms, but can't file them yet due to a weird situation where I'm waiting on a bank to do something. Which was caused by me selling off mutual funds in order to pay for IVFs. Hopefully I can get that one final piece of information quickly, so I can file and get the cash. But I am getting a gargantuan refund. I'm very pleased - it's far larger than I anticipated, and will offset almost all of Big New Clinic's IVF fees. Yay! Of course, the reason I am getting this gargantuan refund is due entirely to the $47k in medical expenses that I claimed for the year. Which makes $60k in all that I have claimed on my taxes in this baby-making pursuit, because I claimed $13k in 2005. These are such staggeringly large sums (to me) that it almost seems impossible to fathom. I keep thinking the IRS are bound to pull my file and question all the medical expenses, but then there are plenty of people I am sure who have spent far more than me - I mean, just think how much long term cancer care costs, even if you have insurance. It's crazy that anybody has to pay for medical care - with all the faults of the National Health Service in the UK, I am definitely looking at the care I received from them through rose-colored glasses these days.

I have a headache

So, I told myself that I'd only blog about ovary stuff. But I really want to blog about other stuff sometimes. Not that my life is very interesting, but sometimes you just want to vent about stuff but you're sworn to secrecy so can't share it with anyone. I guess this is where a husband would come in useful as I could make him listen to me ramble on. I've just been in a long meeting with my boss, all about who I can and can't delegate stuff to, and now I have a stinking headache. Urgh. Bosses.

OK, so, back to the ovaries. I am going to start the ovulation tests today. It's a little early I know, but they're cheap in comparison to an out-of-state IVF, so I'd rather waste a few and be certain that I didn't miss my LH surge than start stressing myself over the right day to start.

And I have GOT to get my taxes filed this weekend. I know I said I was going to do them in early February, and I did start them, but I can't find two IVF receipts. I've worked out what one of the fees was from old credit card statements, but you can only view 6 months online and I'm not sure which ones to order. So I've been putting off turning the house upside down looking for that receipt, but I HAVE to do it this weekend. I really need the refund to pay for the meds that I ordered last week.

Innocent lunch conversations

Oh the torture. We had a new team member start this week, after one of my coworkers left, and we all finally went out to lunch today, after the mandatory computer training the new person has been doing. Well, between the four of us, we have a 6-year old, a 4-year old and an 8-month old. Three of us have one child each. Of course you all know who the odd one out is. The old spinster lady who doesn't even have a boyfriend, let alone a husband, to want to try to conceive with. And who is probably past it anyway, as I'm the oldest of the group (maybe, don't know the age of the new coworker yet but I'm guessing she's younger).

And as that was the big thing that the others had in common, pretty much all they talked about at lunch was kids. Torture. Luckily, K., who knows about my infertility, was fairly sensitive and made a valiant effort at changing the subject a few times back to work, but the boss kept going right back to talking about kids.

Gack is all I'm going to say. It seems to be an appropriate word today. Even just an innocent occasion to welcome a new coworker can turn into a slap in the face.

Is ignorance really bliss?

Bills, bills, bills. Why do they never stop coming?

So, the coculture biopsy was supposed to be $500 ($250 to do the biopsy, and $250 for processing work). There's an additional charge of $750, but that's later on. When I got there, they charged me $800. I didn't say anything, as I knew they were doing the trial transfer at the same time, because of me being an out-of-townie and all, so I thought the extra cash must be for that. Although, if I may say, that's the quickest $550 I've seen someone earn in quite a while, as it took Dr. S. about 5 seconds to do the trial transfer, and then maybe 10 seconds to do the biopsy.

Anyhoo, yesterday a bill arrived for $301 for "hospital services". Que? So I called this morning, and was told that the initial $300 extra was for the trial transfer, and this really was a proper additional fee for pathology, as Dr. S. must have decided to run another test on the biopsy. Oh, so nice to be told. Just go ahead, spend my money without prior authorization why don't you?

Part of me wants to call and find out what the test was, seeing as how I'm paying for it, and part of me doesn't. I mean, they've published research about the likelihood of success being greater if the endometrial biopsy is "in phase" with your cycle day or not. What if I demand to know what they tested for, and find out that my endometrium is out of phase? Therefore implying that I will have a lower chance of success. Will that destroy the fragile hope that I've built up for this cycle? I kind of want to go in to this not knowing too much, on the basis that ignorance is bliss.

Taking this idea a step further, I know that Big New Clinic doesn't tell you your estrogen or progesterone levels unless you ask. They just tell you if they're good or not. If that. I understand with the progesterone levels they don't even tell you that much, unless you call to ask. There's a huge part of me that's wants to be so Zen and not ask what my estrogen level is every day of the IVF. Because wouldn't it mean less stress? Wouldn't ignorance be bliss here too? Wouldn't it mean I could relax a bit more and just let my body do its thang? Although it'd be hard not to know anything, it might be good to try it every now and then, maybe every other day I can resist asking about the actual level.

Bwahahaha.

Sorry, just nearly spat my tea out, snorting at myself. Me? Not ask about estrogen levels?

Doing the flip flop

So, after all my freaking out, it took just a couple of people saying "hey, me too, I took that much!" both here and on those other sites we love to hang out on, and suddenly I'm all blasé about the meds dosages. So I decided not to bug the RE after all, and just shoot up with what they're telling me to.

Just call me Ms. Flip-Flop.

Hello, Sarah Melodramatic Flip-Flop here, nice to meet you.

My hobbies include knitting, doing 180 degree turns in my thinking, spazzing out for no good reason, and eating bon bons.

My period came early, so I'm now officially on my pre-IVF cycle. The cycle where I get to play with estrogen patches and ganirelix. Whoop! I shall refrain from commenting yet again at just how fucked up my cycle has become. Apart from merely noting that that old rule about how your luteal phase does not vary is just a big bunch of BS. Or at least, my body is not listening to the rule at the moment, as I've had 10 days, 16 days and 13 days, all in a row. Without meds to alter it.

I have also just dropped over $2500 on drugs, which are currently en route thanks to good old Fed Ex. Like a complete dolt, I forgot to tell the pharmacy that I have leftovers from my last cycle, so I have got enough to get me through six days of stims. Which probably means that I'll still have leftovers, damn it, if Big New Clinic steps down the dosage much. Why am I such an idiot? In my defense, I did call them early in the morning and hadn't quite woken up yet, but still.

Must. Not. Buy. More. Follistim.

Quietly freaking out

OK, I said I was Zen. I lied. Lied horribly. Well, I didn't lie exactly, but it didn't take much to ruin the mood. I could not sustain Zen, in other words.

I am freaking out over the meds dosage. 6 vials follistim + 2 vials menopur. A day. A day! That is a WHOLE shit load of drugs. That is $400 worth of drugs to shoot into my stomach a day.

I'm freaking out that I'll end up with a monster follicle on CD5 or something and ruin the whole thing. I mean, seriously. I know I'm a poor responder, but I'm not a slow responder. I'm an inappropriate responder. A fast responder. An over-eager dominant follicle responder. Isn't slow and steady the way we should be going?

It's just pushing the limits of my pharmaceutical tolerance too far. It's the maximum possible dosage, people. Do my poor ovaries really need the maximum? Do they really need the venti triple-caff when the grande might do just fine?

I really need to speak to the Doctor about this, but I am having no luck so far. I need to know if he really intends for me to be on this dosage, or if he misunderstood when I told him what my dosage was before. Although my dosage from previous cycles is right there in my medical records, so this shouldn't be an issue, but I remember him saying I'd be on the same dosage initially. So far, the nurse on call has confirmed that this is the correct dosage, because it says so in the computer. And computers are never wrong, right? My assigned IVF nurse has confirmed that this is the correct dosage, because it says so in the computer, and because I am likely to respond differently to a ganirelix/estrogen priming protocol than to a lupron protocol. OK, fine, that placated me for 5 minutes. But seriously, it just seems wrong. My gut is telling me that this is too strong a dosage for me, and I usually listen to my gut so I'd be a fool to ignore it this time.

I have a call in to the secretary for another issue. If she ever calls me back, I'm going to try to get her to ask the Doctor, or get him to call me. I mean, is it too much to ask just to want to know someone has posed the question to him, and to have him confirm his instructions? No, you don't need to answer that question. It is NOT too much to ask, and I guess I'm just going to have to become a difficult patient. Sigh. And I'd much rather be the nice, compliant patient. I mean, don't get me wrong, if he confirms that this is the dose he wants me on, so be it. I won't challenge him on that. I just want to know that this is what he chose based on all available facts, not just on a misunderstanding.

Spring in Florida

As a counterpoint to the usual ovary-gazing, behold:

Hopeful. Or not.

Well, I've recovered from the trip, I think. I've definitely eaten and drunk too much, out of tiredness, and have lost the impetus to diet, well, and then there was the whiskey in honor of St. Patrick which turned into 3 whiskies, but I'm trying to get back with the program today. I think things are shaping up for the cycle. I got my official IVF letter from the clinic yesterday, detailing my protocol. At least, I thought it'd detail my protocol, but what it said was:

Estrogen/Ganirelix/6 FSH/2 HMG/Ganirelix

Which is not all that detailed, to be honest, and to the uninitiated may be confusing. But essentially means I will be taking a shit load of drugs. I'm a bit freaked about the 6 FSH/2 HMG part, which means 6 Follistim and 2 Menopurs a day. For a total of 600 units, which is presumably enough to get a 90 year old's ovaries working again. I know it's my local clinic's maximum possible dose, but I don't know if Big New Clinic goes higher. My previous highest dose was 450 units a day. So I'm going to call just to double check before I order the meds, as I thought Dr. S. was putting me on the same dosage, not jacking it up to the maximum.

I've more or less figured out where I am going to order the drugs from - a mail order place that just happens to have a location right by Big New Clinic. Handily convenient, no? Good planning on their part, methinks, to get the captive audience of people staying there for their cycles. So I'll order just enough to get me through the start of the cycle down here, and then will go every day in NY and fill up with whatever I need to get through the next day. That way, it won't be like every other cycle where I've been left with a ton of unused meds in the fridge. Which will hopefully be cheaper overall, even if the prices of each individual vial is a bit more expensive.

And I've made a decision on where to stay, although I expect to vacillate a bit more on this later. But for now I've stopped looking.

So really, all I have to do is order the sperm to be shipped, order the meds, and wait. Another month. Plenty of time to go crazy between now and then.

I'm feeling very Zen and hopeful at the moment, though I know this can turn on a dime. Particularly if I start stressing out about it being my last cycle, but I'm not going to close that door just yet so hopefully I can reign in too much stress. Haha, easier said than done, I know. I just hope that this new fancy clinic with all their great success will do the trick for me. I hope my intake of whey protein will have helped my egg quality, and I hope that the coculture will boost the embryo quality even further. I hope I have a nice, even response to stims. I hope it all goes perfectly, in other words, but I know enough to roll with the punches.

So why then can a sad song or sad thought bring tears to my eyes? Why do I think I feel really hopeful and then have this sadness bubbling to the surface so easily? I think maybe because the end of this dream of motherhood is approaching, one way or another. Either it will end well, or it won't. Either I will be embarking on a huge adventure, or I'll be mourning the loss of my dreams. I guess when we start out TTC we think, "well, there's always IVF if it doesn't work". And then we think "well, if IVF doesn't work locally, I can always go out-of-state to one of the top places". And then after that, there's nothing. Nowhere to go. Only on to donor eggs or donor embyros or adoption. None of which I think I want to do. So it is the end. And can I even do another cycle at Big New Clinic if this first one doesn't work? Can I gear up enough, have enough hope, have enough money and time, to go back again? Just not sure if that is possible. But then again, I don't know if I'm ready to face the end. How do you do that? How do you stop the rollercoaster and get off? Because, you see, I'm hopeful that this will work. If not this time, then maybe another time. I think of my future children, and imagine myself telling them that they would not be here if I had given up after IVF#4. So then, how do I give up after IVF#5 if I still have that hope? How do you balance hope with reality? I just don't know the answer to that one.

New York Diary

Hmmm

Well, I used to be able to post from the Blackberry without crap on the end of the posts. All deleted now, but I wonder how much trouble that will get me in.

Anyway, I'm home safe, but tired. Pics are coming soon! Just as soon as my slow-as-molasses dial up connection finishes with uploading them. Which will probably be next week.

All done!

Of course, wouldn't you know it, I got gassy. Right before the biopsy appointment. Must be a nerves thing. Or the fact that I have singlehandedly eaten enough over the last two days to feed a small village. Must be a greed thing.

I tried sneaking to the bathroom to do something about it, and wouldn't you know, they called my name as soon as I sat down. So I got into the exam room, which is now about an hour after my appointment time, and I start serreptitiously trying to relieve some of the gas. Most of which belched up nicely, but I'd just let out a big one from the other end and a nurse walked in. Typical. Luckily I'm not too much of a stinker and it turned out she had to move me to a different room.

There I was, sheet clasped around my naked lower half, streaking across the hall, quite grateful to leave the scene of the crime, to be honest

Dr. S. came in and was super nice. Except I didn't have a single question to ask him. He said that after you've done this a few times it must get a bit routine. Yup. That and I learn everything from internet message boards, but I didn't own up to the latter. Then it was time to stirrup up, and of course I needed to fart again. So I probably opened my knees the slowest he has ever seen a 4-cycle veteran ever spread their legs while I was lamely trying to prolong our discussion of the weather and me cycling in April.

But the need passed (or he got a faceful of SBD that I didn't notice escaping and was polite enough not to gag). He did the trial transfer then the biopsy. Which resulted in me exclaiming "Is that it? I expected pain.". He offered to cause pain if I really wanted, which he said he was very good at doing, but I declined. It was very quick, and only mildly uncomfortable.  So that was a nice surprise.

And that's me all done for New York. For this trip, at least.
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Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Post coculture blood draw instructions

Go straight back to your hotel room after your blood draw.

Do not decide on a whim that straight after your blood draw would be a fine time to take that walk to Central Park you've been promising yourself.

When you feel faint on said ill-advised walk to Central Park, don't assume that a small chai latte and a 5 minute sitdown is going to miraculously fix the problem.

Don't meander all over town looking for a suitable coffee shop to use the bathroom in. The extra mileage is likely to cause you to require fried eggs on toast as a restorative, thereby ruining any chance you had of salvaging your diet.

When you get to Central Park still feeling lightheaded, don't park yourself on a bench at the "Pinetum" if you're allergic to pine trees.

When you push on regardless because you're tough and it was only a little blood, damn it, expect to be overtaken in your wanderings by old ladies, Italian tour groups, chic mamas pushing pampered tots in fancy strollers and a weird guy with a stiff leg.

That is all.
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I got shat on by a New York pigeon

Who knew that standing waiting for a traffic signal was dangerous in NY due to guided missiles from above? I always thought it was the traffic I had to look out for. 

Anyway, having a lovely time so far. Apart from pigeon shit in my hair. And on my face. And my coat, gloves, sweater and glasses. Apart from all that. I have met up with my lovely Big New Clinic buddies Alacrity and Luz, both of whom are winding down their cycles and transferring in the next two days. They are both fabulous, gorgeous women, as I knew they would be. Why is it that those of us that are struggling are the most deelightful people?  Myself included, of course. ;) I'm praying for good things for both of you gals. We had yummy food, that I would just kill to have in my own town, mediocrely supplied with good restaurants as it is.

So, I'm sitting in the waiting room and there's probably 100 people here. I kid you not. This place really is the big leagues. It's all very lovely and new - well it should be, it's a brand new building after all. There are lots of nice red chairs for us to sit on. I wonder if they chose the color so that any nasty spots or gushes don't show?

I'm just waiting to have the bloodwork taken for the coculture. I was warned several times to have a good breakfast and lots of liquid, as I'm about to lose a fair amount of blood volume. But of course I have no fear of that. I mean, come on, veterans don't fear the needles any more. Much.
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I'm off to New York!

I'm in! I'm in!

I got the phone call this morning. The blood work was positive for the LH surge (well, duh, I already said the OPK was positive), so I can keep the Tuesday appointment for the biopsy. Phew! Phe-eee-eeew!

So, flight to NY is at 6.45am on Sunday, which will really be 5.45am because of the time change (ugh). Yay me for the $99 cheapy flight, but boo for the cheapy flights being at crazy times. Then I will take the subway into the city as I'll have plenty of time to kill, drop the bags off at the hotel and do some sightseeing. Bloodwork on Monday morning between 7am and 9am, then more sightseeing. Then a facial at Bl!ss spa. Then the biopsy is at 10.45am on Tuesday, with the flight home at 8pm. Busy busy. Oh, and I'm going to check out a hotel that I'm thinking of staying in for the IVF at some point during all that.

I'm totally swinging around on the choice of accommodation. Previously I wanted the cheapest of the cheap so I didn't end up spending $2500 just on hotel fees. But with my now irregular cycle, booking an apartment is looking increasingly iffy, and what if I got cancelled? I'd be stuck with the rent regardless of whether I stayed there or not. Cheap hotels may just create stress in their own way - I want to be able to rest during an IVF cycle, not have to leave the building just because it is nasty and loud. So there's a suite hotel I have my eye on. Which will probably work out at $3500 for the IVF trip, so it ain't cheap. But then again, if this is my last shot, shouldn't I do everything possible to have a stress-free, successful trip?

Still in limbo

Well, the good news is that I got a positive OPK at 11am. Woo-hoo! Cycle day 18, so it's now got later and later every month since the last IVF. But we'll ignore that for the moment. The bad news is that the coculture scheduler and I have been trading voicemails, and she wants to wait and see what the bloodwork says before making a decision. Except if it had been yesterday, she would have just trusted the damn OPK! Grrr.

And she said she was leaving the office today at 2pm, so if the results weren't faxed to her by then she'd have to give me instructions tomorrow morning. It's now 2pm and I haven't heard from her, so now I am stuck waiting until tomorrow before I know whether I'll make that Tuesday coculture slot.

I should do, right? I mean, if the biopsy has to be done between 5 and 12 days after the LH surge, and that'll be 6 or 7 days, depending on how you count it, it should be good. Unless she already gave the slot to someone else, which I wouldn't be unduly surprised at.

I don't know why this has to be so complicated.