A funny thing happened

See, I was just thinking "hmmm, I really better do a blog post before my 2 remaining readers think I have shuffled off this mortal coil..." when my A/C broke. What's that got to do with blogging, you might wonder. Well, if one doesn't have A/C it gets kinda hot. And when it's kinda hot, you tend to open a window. Or two. So there is my house, sitting there with windows open while I am at work one Friday, thinking "I really should call the A/C repair guys, but I don't want to spend the money and maybe I can last out until the cool weather arrives." And wouldn't you know it, the open windows looked so inviting that a couple of guys just couldn't resist popping the screens off the windows and climbing in. In broad daylight. On a Friday afternoon. As some of my neighbors were walking past with their dogs, and shouting that they were calling the police. So, that was that for my laptop. And my iPod. And some jewelry. Sigh. Off it all went into one of my pillowcases and on to whatever pawn shop/fence is currently paying the most for such things.

So, no computer = no blogging. And you thought I was just lazy - shame on you. Well, OK, I am lazy. Uh, I mean, busy. Uh, well, not living an interesting infertility-related life. But now I have finally got myself a new computer, so I feel obliged to post that I am not dead.

I am doing OK, actually. I'm taking stock of the fact that I'll probably never have kids. You'd think I would have been dealing with that all along, and I have. Kind of. But I always had this fantasy that I'd meet a nice guy and get knocked up the old fashioned way, against all the odds. But the odds are climbing higher and higher every day so it's featuring less and less in my imaginings of what my life is going to be like in the future. And that's surprisingly OK. I spend some time every now and then imagining my child-free life, and it brings me comfort. In fact, it's been one of the main ways that I have used in order to be able to crawl out from the pit of despair. What I do is picture myself at 70 and see what I've been able to accomplish without children - what sort of life I've built for myself. See, without paying for kids' things, and school and college, without needing to live in a place with extra bedrooms in a good school district, I figure you can afford to make different life choices.

In my imaginings I have built up a picture of myself as a thin, elegant lady who lives in a bijou apartment in NYC (or some other great city like Paris or London), who you might find dashing off to a yoga class, or to the library, or to tea with a dear friend, or to a free concert in Central Park. I have a small wardrobe of high quality designer clothes, and I have minimal but carefully cherished possessions. I am happy and serene, and although I don't live an expensive life, it is interesting and fulfilling.

It's funny, when I first started doing this, I set myself a task of picturing ANY sort of life, money no object, reality be damned - let's just picture anything that might make me happy without kids. I had spent so much of my life imagining that kids were the natural progression that I couldn't picture an adulthood without them. So I felt that I had to re-imagine life, and come up with a goal. And this is what gradually emerged. No fabulous yacht sailing around the south Pacific islands, no large mansion, not really anything that wasn't totally unattainable. So when I am wallowing in pity or feeling annoyed with life, I return to this picture, and try to put into action concrete steps that will help me get from here to there. I mean, without kids, why not be totally selfish and just make a life that will feel right.

So, I am doing yoga. I am doing it 2 or 3 times a week, and am getting back to bendiness and am gaining some good muscles. I am slowly losing the weight I gained doing infertility treatments. It's taken me over a year, but I am down nearly 25 pounds. I have a ways to go, but one of these days I will be in shape. Each time something no longer fits right, I am being brutal about putting it aside to take to Goodwill. I am no longer hanging on to bigger clothes in case I need them when I am pregnant. Slowly my giant wardrobe that is mostly clothes I can't fit in is being whittled down. Not that I'm at the stage of buying expensive designer things to replace the stuff I am giving away, but I am trying to think about buying things that are stylish and work well together. See, they're little steps, but they are actual, concrete steps that help me to feel like I am doing something. That I am creating my imagined life.

And there's school. It's a little (lot) crazy right now because we have a big comprehensive year-end exam coming up. But I am liking my class (yes, even the annoying guy has calmed down a lot and is growing on me), I am liking what I am learning and I can use it as an opportunity to have a fulfilling not-too-stressful job and to move anywhere I want when I graduate. And maybe I will move nowhere at all, and will stay put. But it'll be a choice because I like my friends and my life here, rather than just being in my current city because that's where my job is.

So. There. That's where my head is. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone mired in the pain of infertility, it's to start imaging a life without kids. Maybe you'll find that parenting really is the most important thing, and you'll adopt or succeed through treatment. Or maybe you'll find that life might not be so bad and lonely after all.

The Infertility Book

What, wait, where did a whole month go since I last posted?

Sorry about that. Well, not that many people care, but hey. I feel that I don't really have all that much to say. I don't have a kid I can post regular updates on, and it's not like I suddenly have any great insight into how to fix infertility. I mean, I'm learning more each week about acupuncture theories and about the points, and how to tie it together into treatments, but am not yet in any position to really pull everything together in a cogent way. And there's only so many times I can post "I'm really busy" before it gets uber-tedious. But if you were to walk into the student clinic next semester with low back pain, and I was working there, I finally know what to do off the top of my head without having to go and look it up in the book. Woot.

However, I will report that I spend much of my time when I am aimlessly driving to and from the grocery store, or other humdrum activity, mentally composing the introduction to my great work - the book to end all books on infertility. Hah. If only, eh? But, just so you know, it starts off humbly detailing my abject failures in IVF, goes on to say how I met my wonderful husband (already we're in fantasy land here, because no wonderful husband is yet in sight), how I naturally conceived quickly (snort), had my amazing child at 42/43/44, then went on to discover how to reliably treat infertility patients in my busy and successful acupuncture practice (lalalalala-land). OR, in the alternative version, it starts off by saying that even though I remained an abject infertile failure, I still have something to say on the topic. Due to said fabulous and successful acupuncture practice. Bwahahaha.

My interest was piqued this week by news that my school is thisclose to starting up a PhD program in acu. And that certain students in my class (who are, ahem, not quite as brainily inclined as moi) are contemplating doing it once we have graduated from the Masters program. And I thought, hey, why are they contemplating it, and not I?? If it takes a few years to build a practice, and you are effectively experimenting on your patients during that time, to find out what really works for you, why not spend that time really experimenting, by formally conducting research and writing a thesis? Into infertility, of course. And then use said research as the basis for my aforementioned fantasy book.

I have no idea how the financing would work out, or if I really could do this, or what. But it certainly gives me something else to mentally chew over in the car. I wonder if the local IVF clinic would cut a deal with an old patient and do a joint study with me? Hmmm....

The school food hierarchy

It seems at an alternative health type school, we are all a bit freaky about our eating. Or perhaps we all just only pretend to be uber-healthy when in public, and secretly scarf down pints of ice cream at home (as I did tonight, but I don't mind telling you guys because I freakin' enjoyed it, damn it).

Anyway, it seems to be a cool acupuncture student you must:

Only eat home-cooked food (commercially prepared food is so last century).

Only eat organic food (duh).

Only eat Chinese-style food (because we're studying Chinese medicine, after all).

Only eat out of pyrex containers (because plastic is bad).

Only use the toaster oven to heat up said home-cooked Chinese-style food in said pyrex containers (because microwaves are evil).

Only use your own chopsticks that you bring from home (forks are for idiots).

Except for the bozos like me who bring in an Amy's frozen meal and nuke it in the microwave. Which I then eat with a good old-fashioned western-style fork. I felt so embarrassed at school yesterday with two frozen meals - one for lunch and one for dinner. The sodium! The laziness! The horror! Ah well. I guess I am not cool after all.

Perhaps in a week or two when the crushing exhaustion that comes with the start of the semester lifts I will start trying to cook for myself again. But for now, Amy's is all I can muster the energy for.

Scheduling

So, all that house cleaning that I was determined I was going to do on my break? Yeah, it didn't happen. I mean, some cleaning happened. Some closet clearing and such. But not the big spring clean that it really needed. And it is back to school tomorrow, so it is back to the time crunch.

Of course, instead of actually cleaning the whole house today, I have written myself out a detailed chore schedule, which I'm going to print and stick on the fridge. And oh yes, you betcha it has spaces for check marks to fill in when I have completed something.

Despite my love of study schedules, I am really not the type of person that loves to schedule the remainder of my time. I like to do things as I feel like them rather than have a routine. I like NOT knowing that Monday is laundry night, or whatever. I think it comes from my childhood, where we had a rigid meal schedule. I mean, sure, I liked casserole, but that didn't mean that I wanted to have it every Tuesday. Or fish sticks every Saturday. So I have generally lived a bit more free flowing than that. Which is fine and dandy if you have the time, but I don't any more. I don't have the time to catch up, because if I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher today, there's no freakin' time to spend tomorrow to do it.

But I also just cannot allow things to disintegrate around the house as I have done the past two semesters. I cannot be too embarrassed to have people come to my home. I cannot live like a slob any more. Thusly, the schedule.

On today's docket:

AM:

Go for a walk - not done, but I did some yardwork that I should have done yesterday, so I'm counting it as done as that's enough exercise for the day.

Laundry - check. Well, it's in the washer, but not completed.

Clean out kitty litter - check.

Clean shower - not yet

PM:

Buy groceries - not yet

Load today's dishes into dishwasher - not yet, or yesterday's dishes if I'm being honest

Clean kitchen surfaces - not yet

Take out garbage and recycling - not yet

Spend 6 mins* dusting/vacuuming - not yet

Do qi gong - not yet

Oh lordy. It seems such a huge and insurmountable list when it's written out. Maybe I'd better get on with it. At least today there's no work to get in the way so I can do things leisurely around the studying and hulu watching that is also going on.

*the 6 mins of dusting and vacuuming is because I have a handheld Dyson that I can use for both. And its battery only lasts for 6 minutes on one charge. The plan is to just go at a portion of the house until the battery dies. And the next day do the next portion of the house, and repeat on most days until eventually I am back to where I started.

I used to be a blogger

Whenever I read about how another blogger, no, let me correct myself, a blogger is feeling bad because she's out of touch, and then goes on to explain in detail why, it reminds me just how out of touch I am now. Because I'm always way more out of touch than they are. Way, way more. I basically read about three blogs now. No, strike that. At any one time I may, on a good day, read three blogs. But that covers about 10 actual blogs - it's just that some of them may only get read once in three months, whereas others I might read, ooh, as often as once every three days. Not three times a day as I sometimes used to.

It's my own fault, I know. But where do you fit once you've had an infertility blog and then given up? Most infertility blogs morph into mommy blogs, and hooray for that. But I'm not even writing about getting on with life after infertility. I mean, sure, I could post every time I'm wistful, or jealous, or bitter, or even dream about something (last night I dreamt I had a fantastic beta result - that was a disappointing wake up moment, I can tell ya). But I think that would rapidly get boring, because who wants to hear all the time that I'm wistful? Or even, happy. Because, yes, most of the time I'm actually happy these days. Thank GOD I am not going through infertility any more. Thank the little baby jesus for that.

So instead, I don't blog about anything really. Which is even more boring I'm sure. So here are some snippets:

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I have finally discovered hulu.com. And am working my way through the entire back catalog of Arrested Development. Love that show! And by the way, has anyone seen Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog? Genius.

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I have, for the first time ever, almost thrown out some books. I say "almost" because I have two piles - one to go to work to our employee "library" and one pile to go in the recycling bin (all useless free books that came with magazines that are really more booklets than books). But they haven't made it out of the house yet, and so I could still chicken out.

You see, I am trying to pare down my stuff so that it actually fits within the storage that I have available. So far this week I've worked through my closet (apart from the shoes and dresses) and my t-shirt drawer. And one bookshelf. It's a start people, it's a start. I have this dream of living this very minimalist, organized, neat and tidy life, which is sadly always destroyed due to my love of shopping. And my habit of not fitting into 3/4 of my clothes as I gain and lose weight. But really, there's no need for me to have 5 pairs of black ballet flats. Or 7 pairs of sneakers. Or 6 pairs of black pants. I am slooowly improving on that score. Why, just this week I resisted buying another pair of sneakers, but instead am throwing away the pair that I've been wearing as they're now falling apart, and have dug an old pair out of the back of the closet. So what if they made my feet bleed the last time I wore them? I will wear them in and make use of them, damn it.

One of these days I shall be that elegant lady who lives in a miniscule apartment with minimal possessions, but each of whose possessions are treasured, wonderful quality, just so, and fabulous. Even if it takes me until I am 90.

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Still haven't rejoined a dating site. But I'm still working on it. Kinda sorta.

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Cousin was not sent overboard by Hurricane Bill. But last heard of was in danger due to (remains of?) tropical storm Danny. Ah well, I'm sure they will go back out to sea again, and ride this one out too.

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I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again. At least while at school I'm busy as anything and feeling like life has a purpose. The many evenings of doing nothing this week have just been a reminder of my lack of social life. Hence trying to update my blog on a Saturday night instead of going out and having fun. Bleh. OK, back off to hulu...

Refreshed?

I am home.  Tired, but home. I made the possibly mistaken decision to drive all the way home from Asheville, NC to So. Fla. in one day. Through a giant rainstorm that lasted all through Georgia.  So today, I ache. And I feel depleted. And all kinds of tired.

But I had a lovely time. I feel renewed and refreshed. I feel ready to tackle projects around the house, and projects in my life.  Why, I even started on an online dating profile. Whether I actually complete any of these projects is another matter of course, but I took the opportunity of being on vacation to take lots of photos of myself for said profile, so we'll see.  The photo posted here is not, of course, of me, but of some flowers from Biltmore Estate.  They have quite lovely gardens there, I must say.  Perhaps I will post more soon when I have more energy.

*****

I have arrived home to a freaking-out aunt.  My cousin, last we heard of him, was in a fishing boat off the Grand Banks near Newfoundland in an area called the Flemish Cap.  [Such is my family - you never know what will crop up next.] In case you've never heard of the area (and I must admit, I hadn't), it's where Perfect Storm is set. Where the Titanic sank.  In other words, not a pleasant place to be on a fishing boat when a hurricane is bearing down on  you. The boat is going to go further out to sea in the hopes of avoiding the storm, but one never knows with these things if a storm will jog off its predicted course at the last minute.  And of course, being an idiot, I have promptly opened up my copy of Perfect Storm and started freaking myself out by reading about the harsh conditions.  So, if you are the praying type (or the sending good thoughts type), please send some thoughts for all the shipping vessels that are in the way of the current hurricane. We always breathe a sigh of relief when these things are predicted to avoid land, but of course on this crowded planet there are always some people who are in the path of danger. And as one of them is a relative of mine this time, that is where my thoughts are straying.

School's out for summer

I get a whole 3 weeks off. So I am heading off on vacation for 1 week, then I'll be back in town.

I was pleased with the final week at school. I did the best in class at the Chinese massage first time around (although he let people have another try the following day if they wanted to improve their grade so it ended up that I was not the only A).  The other exams went well - I underperformed slightly on one (it was damn hard) but then so did most everyone else. By the time he added in the grades from the quizzes we'd done during the semester, and he curved a bit, I was back up to where I wanted to be.  So I think I'll either have straight A's, or one A-. Wait, do you count A-'s as being included in "straight A" tallies? I never know if you should or not. I guess there's always a chance of an A+ from anatomy this semester (haven't seen that grade, but she's generous and gave me A+ last time), so maybe if I do get an A- that will be cancelled out.

Anyway, I shouldn't be so concerned. It's not freakin' Harvard. A good grade doesn't make a good acupuncturist. But I keep thinking that if there are opportunities to go and study in China, or to intern with the best professors, they will go to the high performing students, and that's one reason why I keep trying to do well. And there's the little matter of my own Type A tendencies coming to the fore, I guess.

Back in town in a week, barring hurricanes.