Sarah Solitaire

Refining

2010-10-31T10:40:00.002-04:00

I think I've posted before about how I'd like to be one of those minimalist types. You know, people who have 20 items of clothing in total, one laptop and this spare clean apartment with one sofa in it. Or something. But, I like shopping, so that's always been a problem for me.

But I set my mind on slightly reducing the number of possessions I have. Of course, this means that I have to wait for suitable moments of time and energy in which I can tackle such projects, but I am on a clothing kick right now.

Last week I reduced the number of casual pants I have to 40 (this includes all shorts, track pants, yoga pants as well as jeans and weekend stuff). It makes me cringe a bit to relate that I had to reduce to this number, as 40 still seems impossibly high. Why 40? It just kind of happened. I had 50 in my head as a number for pants overall (with the aim some day of having 50 pants + skirts, and then whittling the number down further). But I didn't have the energy to tackle work pants, so I started with the closet section that has casual pants in it, and once I'd tried everything on and put everything that didn't fit or I didn't like or just plain wasn't going to ever happen again on to the "donate" pile, it came out to 40 left. So I stopped there. More than 20 pairs of pants got donated. Eeek. So much STUFF. Too much.

This week I went on a shoe buying binge (hey! BOGO!), so it came time to tackle shoes. I have gone up half a size in shoes in the last 5 years or so (mostly I think due to gaining weight but I lost 22 lbs and have kept it off for ~18 months and the feet have not shrunk). So there are many shoes that I just couldn't wear any more without wincing. Onto the donate pile they went, and when I counted what was left, I had .... 39 pairs of shoes. Given that I like round numbers, one pair of shoes was rescued from the donate pile to make 40. It's weird how that number cropped up again.

Maybe 40 will be my number. Maybe I'll try for 40 tops next. [Well, being honest, it'll probably be 40 sweaters, 40 tops/shirts, and 40 t-shirts.]

Of course, the trick is going to be to reduce my shopping tendencies. Having limited spare time has helped with this, of course, and I am making a conscious effort NOT to just buy things mindlessly. I'd rather buy fewer, higher quality pieces of clothing that will last a long time, than keep consuming, consuming, consuming. But it's so damn hard to change ingrained habits.

All clear on the boob front

2010-09-24T22:05:00.002-04:00

Thank you guys for hanging out with me, and sending me good vibes. It is good to know that you are there.

I got the letter on the boob issue today - no abnormal findings. Phew. Even though I was only saying today that I felt sure that there was nothing wrong - with every day that went by, it seemed less and less urgent, and logically I knew that I should be fine, still, I breathed a sigh of relief when the official word came.

Phew.

The finding

2010-09-18T20:16:00.005-04:00

I have something in my boob, apparently. My new doc told me to get a mammogram, so I did, and now they're being all freaky that they can't provide me with a report until they get my baseline mammo from my old doctor and compare. Because there's a "finding." I expect that it's nothing, as if it was something serious: (a) you'd be able to feel something, which you can't, and (b) they wouldn't be sending me snail mail letters telling me to get the mammo film over to them, they'd be calling on the fellytone, and insisting on follow-up imaging STAT.

But still, the mind can't help but wander over to the particular corner of memory lane where jabbing oneself with fertility drugs is stored, and thinking...hmmmm. Ah well, all will be clear eventually I suppose.

And I don't feel that I can share with too many people because then it's like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and demanding attention. But my work friends have been useless, frankly. One is a radiologist's wife, immediately freaked, and had me call her husband to discuss, who of course said "well, this could be perfectly normal," which is what I knew all along - it could just be some fibrous stuff that means nothing. Another has had many cystic things in her boobs, and thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Which I'm not. I just mentioned it. Gah. So that put me off mentioning it to other people outside the family, because most of them don't know me well enough to know my level of not freaking out but still being just a teensy bit concerned at the back of my mind.

So, here I am. Not that I have an audience here any more, but it makes me feel better to put stuff out there in the ether. Sharing without really sharing, as it were. I suppose I shall call my old doc again on Monday and find out if they've sent the darn records off yet.

It doesn't help that I got the second letter reminding me that they need to see the previous mammo on the anniversary of my mom's death. At a young age. From the big C. But a different organ. But still. Gah.

It's been a while

2010-08-20T13:25:00.002-04:00

I went to a new GYN yesterday (I have switched to a practice that does not include any OB along with their GYN - much more civilized for the likes of me). She tried to talk me into doing fertility treatments while I still had time. Umm, yeah.

OK, so I had tried to fudge my history with the nurse a little bit when they were setting up their new patient screen, by saying I'd done "a few" IVFs and downplaying the whole thing. Eventually, the truth will out, of course. But I did like the way she tried to imply that my fertility problems might have been my partner's, and that these days you can "order out" while you're single and use a donor. Ha! After I explained that I was "ordering out" and had tried three different donors, she finally got the point.

And once the whole sordid history ["how many cycles?"] came out, she sat back and said "Ah. I see." And I said "really, I am at peace with it. I am FINE if I never have kids. If I meet someone new and I manage to get pregnant, I'll be THRILLED. If not, that's OK. I'm not doing any more treatments." And we moved swiftly along.

But will I be fine? Someone recently told me that they saw me working with children in the future, especially those with ADD/ADHD. And I immediately died a little inside, and wondered how I could handle that if I don't have kids of my own. Of course, I still may adopt. Still could do donor egg. Still could have a miracle. Still could climb Mount Everest.

I suppose I had always seen myself doing infertility work due to my particular background, but you know, I've been looking around at doctoral programs, and at the people jumping on the infertility bandwagon, and it isn't really appealing, to be honest. I think these days I see myself more as a generalist - a little infertility, a little back pain, a little geriatric work, a little pediatric. But then again, maybe I should be a brain specialist. I do think so much infertility is actually a brain/heart/mind thing as opposed to a plumbing problem. We're under so much stress that it really does mess everything else up. I look back now to see how tightly wound I was going through those IVF cycles, and how I am much looser and freer these days (in spite of my crazy schedule), and wonder if things would have been different if only I'd got the stress, the grief, the depression, the crazy dealt with first. Not that I didn't try. I tried damn hard. But I didn't know how, and people telling me "just relax" and "open your heart" stressed me out even more. So maybe I could tie it all together - infertility, depression, ADD/ADHD, anxiety, it's all in the mind. Maybe that's where I'm heading.

Crunch. Time.

2010-06-04T09:55:00.004-04:00

You know how when you are impossibly busy, something else comes along, and you think "holy crap, how am I going to fit this in as well?" And then you fit it in somehow, and then something further comes along, and you think "Oh Lord, another thing, how on earth is this going to work out?" And then it does...

Hopefully.

So, hahaha, in addition to my impossibly busy schedule, I am about to start a herbal internship program for one day a week. I think I have gone slightly crazy. But, it was an opportunity too good to pass up. This is the opportunity about which I was already wondering how to finagle even the possibility of getting an interview for in my third year. This is the opportunity that you apparently have to be reccomended for. This is with the most respected acu doc in the area. I am super lucky that someone in the program recommended me for this opportunity now. I may not get another shot at this, and I would be insane to let concerns about my schedule prevent me from going for it. Insane. I can't not do this. I will make this work somehow.

In other words, I'm thrilled. But frantic schedule reshuffling will now commence. I think if I move my work start time an hour earlier, and the finish time an hour later on Mondays and Fridays, and drop a clinic session at school, I will be OK.

Imaginings

2010-05-25T10:54:00.002-04:00

I find that, slowly but surely, I am starting to imagine what my future life might be like in acupuncture. I am finding what floats my boat, and what I care not-so-much about. Of course, I still have a long way to go, and a lot of things to learn. But it is nice that my imaginings are starting to take shape.

So far I am liking the gentle Japanese-style of acu (as opposed to Chinese-style "no pain, no gain"), herbal medicines (though the classes are boring and with a TON of information to learn), ear acu (I cleared up my own backache in 5 minutes just jamming a probe on the right points in my ears). And, actually, I like learning the "western" medical stuff. Some of my classmates are dismissive of western medicine because we're doing the eastern spiritual/energetic stuff so why should we have to sit through pathology classes? But I like it. Partly because I have always liked gross medical stuff, although of course I am always imagining I have whatever we're studying - I have a spot on my arm that has in my mind been both skin cancer and MRSA within the course of a week. And every time we talk about skin diseases or infectious diseases I come over all itchy, which is not terribly reassuring. But partly I like it because I know that patients will be coming in with western diagnoses. They won't be saying "oh, I get dizzy now and again, and sometimes I am thirsty and sometimes I pee a lot." They'll be saying "I have high blood pressure and diabetes." And I want to be able to understand the disease, and to be able to speak in terms that the person can understand. I also want to be able to understand prescription drugs, so that I can know which drugs and herbs react/interfere with each other. Most doctors will just say "I don't understand herbs, so I don't know which ones react, therefore don't take any." If I can counter with appropriate information for the patient to take back to their doctor, all the better. But it would be nice not to have to fight with patients' doctors. It would be nice to work in an integrative setting with a doctor that is not dismissive of this stuff.

Of course, thinking about working in a doctor's office doesn't stop me from constantly looking at buildings in my city and thinking about whether they would make a good clinic. Particularly old stores with apartments above them. I really dig the idea of living above the shop, as it were. I don't know whether this is just because it would save money to have one location, or because it appeals to a sense of history. That's the way people used to run their businesses - out of their homes. It just seems funky and cool. Of course, it does mean living on a busier road, as such stores are not generally on quiet residential backwaters, but hey, that's the price you pay.

Whoa. Freaky.

2010-05-09T19:45:00.003-04:00

So, right, akashic record thing. They said I had to open myself up to other things, especially to learning about areas that are adjunct to or complementary to what I'm learning with Chinese medicine. Maybe other healing modalities, other herbal medicine traditions. Whatever whets my interest. I shouldn't cry off about not having enough time, I should just do it. Go to the seminars or classes or whatever. And broaden my horizons. Not the least because the more things I go to, the more people I will meet, including (I hope) the future Mr. Sarah.

Right. Just do it. Easier said than done to someone who is chronically worried about being time-deprived.

Well, we were leaving the school clinic on Saturday when I got persuaded to go to the home of some fellow students to learn about an energetic healing class one of them is doing. I said no to start with, true to form. But they pushed, they said there would be food, and that it would only be a few hours and besides, I had nothing else planned for Saturday night. So with the "just do it" motto floating around my head, I stepped out of my comfort zone and said yes.

We had a nice dinner, and then sat around discussing this healing thing, and I've got to say, I was a bit skeptical. It involves what basically appear to be mirrors. And some colored threads. And some other things that I couldn't figure out. Yah. Like I said, it wasn't floating my boat any. But the guy that has done the class decided to do a treatment on me to demonstrate. And.

Whoosh is all I can say.

I felt this energy from these darn mirror things. I felt my chakras, especially the ones where I have blockages. I felt fear bubbling up. I felt many things. And then they left me for 10 minutes to relax, and as I was lying there, all these insights came to me. Insights into the whole infertility mess and my mother's death. About how things happen to us that we can't control and plan for. And I felt at peace. It was like these two aspects of my life were mirrors - my mother got ripped away from me, and so did my child. Or, at least, the child I thought I was creating with my carefully planned SMC backup plan. You can't plan. Things happen. Sometimes things happen to teach us a lesson in a fairly brutal fashion. But it was like, here, here is this 30-year period of your life in which you were miserable. Bookended by two miserable events. But for the first time, I came to see them as bookends. A beginning and an end. An open and a close. A start and a finish. And that I can close that chapter of my life, and look on to the next with happiness. Because I don't need to drag the misery around any more.

And then my friends came back in the room, and continued the healing, and we got to a point where my head opened up and I got dizzy from the vastness of space that was inside my head.

Um. Yeah. Whoosh.

Don't worry. My head went back to normal again. I think...

Blurt

2010-05-07T10:29:00.003-04:00

Before the crushing exhaustion of a new semester at school begins again, I thought I'd jot down a few random thoughts:

***

I had an amazing psychic/akashic record reading type thing done over the weekend. It has given me hope again on many levels. I'm not sure I can write about it adequately without sounding like a complete fruitcake, but I believe in what happened, and I believe the message I got that there is a soul waiting for me to be its mother. And that it doesn't necessarily have to be through adoption. So I am again thinking about this whole motherhood thing rather than remaining child free. We asked if this soul was born yet, and got the answer that it has not. But, anyway, first I'm going to look for my husband/boyfriend, who I also believe is out there somewhere for me. And then we'll see what happens.

***

Are you a regimen type of a gal? I mean beauty regimen here. I have always been a random collector of products tried and not stuck with. But I have been thinking about the number of chemicals we expose ourselves to on a daily basis, and am thinking that this random usage of different items might expose me to more types of chemicals than if I stuck to one range of things. Surely items from one brand that are meant to work together will have underlying basic formulae that share ingredients? So if I switched to a complete regimen, might this cut down on the number of different chemicals? Anyway, I'm going to give it a go. I'm going to try being a regimen following lovely. And on that note, do you have any natural beauty brands that you love? Skin care, hair care, make up. Or even cleaning products?

***

Do you love to-do lists? I remember blogging previously about trying out a web-based to do organizer. Well, I gave up on that one pretty quickly, but I am now trying out http://www.rememberthemilk.com/ So far, me likey! I ever have this dream of being organized. And, talking of which, my house is still tidy, which is probably a record for me. I am trying my very best to morph into a neat freak. I don't want to hire someone to clean for me - I tried that out before, and while I liked coming home to a nicely mopped floor every other week, it didn't satisfy me on a fundamental level. Strangely, making small but incremental progress in cleanliness brought about by my own actions is satisfying.

***

I spoke to a woman yesterday who is from England and has been in the States about the same length of time as me. And she's a year younger than me. But she still spoke with a very English accent, but me, not so much. I have really modulated the way I speak over the years, and I wonder what this says about me. Or her. It was a very noticeable difference when we were talking. You say skedule, laugh at the way I say shhedule, and it won't be long before I'll say skedule too. Same with yoggurt and yohgurt. Same with any number of other words. Do I just associate more with people that are not terribly tactful and burst out laughing at my strange "mispronounciations"? Or am I more sensitive to people laughing at me? I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. And I know they're not laughing in a mean way most of the time (although when I said urEYEnal to a room full of people recently instead of Urihnal, that got some pretty harsh laughter and teasing afterwards). I'm not trying to put on an American accent. I still stand out, but I say many words in an American way. And there are some words I am incapable of saying differently, like bahth, and cahstle. I guess those are ingrained somehow, whereas the other words are easy for me to say differently. Are the people that stick with their accents incapable of changing? Do they just want to hold firm and be the obvious English person? Am I just scared of standing out?

The Happiness Project

2010-05-01T10:13:00.003-04:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, aided by an oh-so-short 2 week break from school. Of course, you know me, there was some thinking about children in there, but mostly I was thinking about happiness.

On the children front, I still vacillate between thinking I will adopt when I have graduated, and thinking that I will remain child-free. I was recently, uh, pursued (in a nice way) by a guy who appeared very interested in dating. The problem was that his personality rubs me the wrong way, and I just don't see myself wanting to spend all that much time in his company. However, of course, my ovaries piped up, and there I was thinking "well, I'm 41, so if I really want to prove that I might have some fertility left in there, maybe I should just date the guy for a while and see..." But, thankfully, sanity reasserted itself, and I decided that I didn't want to have some callow sperm-stealing relationship on a whim to prove multiple RE's wrong. I decided that it was more important to me to date the right person, or parent the right child (however that child comes to me), than to go for some desperate attempt to conceive. I've tried enough desperate attempts at conceiving, thank you very much.

So, it was an eye-opener to me that I was able to back away, and rest easy in the knowledge that the longing for a genetic child really is ebbing away. And I am feeling more comfortable with both the idea of adopting and remaining child-free. I don't know what I will do, but I can see happiness in my future with either.

Neatly (or not) segueing into the happiness project...

One of my wishes for myself when I decided to give up the infertility treatment lark was to make a life for myself that involved me being happy. But of course I had spent so long imagining a life with children that I couldn't picture what happiness involved if it didn't include children. I have therefore needed to really think about what would actually make me happy. So I routinely now (when I have time) jumble up all my daydreams and imaginings and try to figure out how to get from here to there.

Damn, it's hard, though. Even when I think my happiness wishes are pretty basic. But they include things like "coming home to a clean house" which means I have to try to actually keep the house clean. And I have a slob streak a mile wide, I admit. Every time I think I'm getting better, I don't empty the dishwasher on schedule, and then the dirty dishes pile up waiting. And then it makes me grouchy. But do I go and empty the darn dishwasher? Not always, no, and it'll get overwhelming very quickly. But I am trying. I am trying to be better. I want to be the type of person that keeps a clean house all the time. I don't want to rely on a cleaning lady. I want to be the clean freak. I am hoping that by rephrasing cleaning as a way to increase my happiness, rather than as a chore, it will work better this time.

Do you have any housekeeping shortcuts or tips? Spill. I need 'em.

Do you have any happiness suggestions? Bring 'em on. This is going to be an ongoing project for the rest of my life, whether I have kids or not, so any and all suggestions are welcome.

Here's my happiness list:

Love - connect with friends and be better at it. Ditto family. Ditto partner in life.

Laughter - see above re relationships. Take time to laugh.

Place - I have moved around too much. I want to feel rooted in place, so, work to establish connections in the neighborhood, town, state.

Home - I like the idea of clean minimalism, of no clutter, of airy open spaces. Of loving my house instead of thinking "I hope nobody sees the dirty laundry lying around." Be clean. Keep clean. Love my home. Replace things I don't love with fewer, better things.

Travel - stop waiting for other people to be available to travel. Stop making excuses. Get out there and see places!

Body - strong, healthy, bendy. Exercise, do yoga, eat to nourish myself. Preferably be thin, but at least get to a healthy weight.

Mind - be the lady that frequents the library, keeps up with news, movies and theater, and has interesting conversations. Meditate.

Simple, right? Hahaha, it seems a bit overwhelming when I type it out. But it's not so so bad really. And I'm focusing on small things at a time. The focus this term at school is on cleaning house. Each semester so far I have cleaned in the break, and then let it fall into disaster the rest of the semester because I have no time. And then I end up in semi-squalor by the time finals come around. I have launched grandiose plans and schedules for cleaning, only to have them fail because they were too much to cope with. I have planned to get a cleaning lady, but put it off for so long that I talked myself out of it. But no. Not this time. This time I will figure out how to make it work, damn it. My happiness depends on it.

My notes, my choice.

2010-03-22T10:27:00.003-04:00

I am, it would seem, a bitch. And I don't care.

We have this class on Saturday mornings which is hard. The prof. gives us an overload of information, and gives us two tests every week. Every week! Two! And I feel like I struggle. I write reams of notes, I study, I read the text book. And each week those tests are damn hard. I have a suspicion that two people in the class have got hold of old tests from other classes and are cheating. But I am not saying anything about them to anyone in charge, because eventually they'll get theirs. If they're not properly learning the stuff, they'll suffer in the end on one exam or another. And frankly, if that's their attitude to learning medical stuff, they'll suffer in their careers because they won't know what's going on when a patient comes in and says "I have X disease, can you help?" At least with acu they won't kill people if they treat wrongly, but it won't necessarily heighten the reputation of acu for the rest of us. But, whatever.

Anyway, there's this subset of people in class who have chosen not to take notes. Including the cheaters. But also including the party girl subset. I mean, I do have some sympathy for them - it's hard to get up early on Saturday after you've been out the night before. They sit there and listen (most of the time) or stare blankly at the wall thinking about their headaches. While I, and most others, didn't go out on Friday because we were effing studying. We worker bees are all getting pretty pissed about the whole thing.

So this week one of the "I have no need to take notes" people asked me if she could borrow my notes and copy them. And I said no. It would be a different matter if she'd missed the class because she was sick. Or if she struggled with taking notes, or with English, or with anything else. I have no problem in helping people out, because I know it is often easier for me than it is for others. But sitting there in class, choosing not to take notes? While I, every week, end up with a sore arm because I am writing so much? Ah no, you do not get to have me as your secretary taking dictation for you.

Heh. She's pissed at me. I wonder how long she'll keep it up for, but I am unrepentant. You're an adult, dearie, it's time to take responsibility for your own actions.

It's the herbs, man

2010-03-08T10:07:00.004-05:00

I am feeling so much better in the last couple of weeks. This semester (trimester actually, as there's 3 of them in the year, but as an infertile, I hate that damn word) has been so damn HARD. I have been battling crushing exhaustion for 8 full weeks, which is even worse than when I first started at school. I was getting miserable, crying in my yoga classes out of the suckiness of it all, and generally living in a disgusting pig sty because I didn't have the energy to clean. And now I'm finally crawling out of the pit. The house is slowly becoming respectable again, and I have energy left over to do more than simply exist.

Of course, a lot of it is just getting accustomed to the new schedule, which is a lot tougher this year and involves a lot more standing while working in the clinic, which is hard when you're used to sitting on your butt all day. Some of the improvement is diet-related - eating more fruit, not letting myself get quite so dehydrated while working in the school clinic (yay for coconut water), and stepping up the protein intake. [Sadly, I have not cut back on the chocolate intake, but you can't do everything at once.] But some of it I think is herb-related. I have got back on a regimen of tonifying herbs, and also herbs to help my immune system. And that's got me really excited about herbal medicines again, because I definitely feel like they are working and giving me a boost. Prior to deciding on studying acupuncture, I had briefly considered studying herbs, but there didn't seem to be any formal recognized training programs for "western" herbs. So I figured I'd study the Chinese herbs, and then try to supplement my knowledge after graduation. But then school intervened, I got a bit disheartened about the sheer amount of memorization that studying herbs would require, and I got a bit annoyed about the teaching methods. The herb classes are, to be honest, boring and uninspiring.

But now I have some more energy going through me, I like to dip into the herbal textbooks at random and read about the herbs. And it amazes me that people found out so much. Not just that they tried to eat every plant known to man (because if you're starving, you would). But that they tried all the different parts of the plants - some of them have different actions in the body depending on whether you are taking the root, the leaves, the fruit, the bark, etc. And then tried cooking them different ways, and realized some have different actions depending on how they are prepared. Man, those people must have been in tune with their bodies. I mean, nowadays would we even recognize the action that a herb is having on us? There's no way that we'd be able to sift out the different responses from all the daily "noise" of living. And the other thing I find amazing is that we still haven't figured out all the compounds that are present in some of these plants.

Then I go off into little reveries about how stunning it is that here we are, on this planet, and soemone provided us with all these different plants that can help cure our ailments. That there are all these substances out there that can help us if we only would try them. Makes you start thinking about the existence of God all over again.

Life, death, and reflection

2010-03-01T10:35:00.002-05:00

I'm still here! BUT I will say that this semester is harder and more crushingly exhausting than the last. Which was harder and more crushingly exhausting than the previous semester. And so on, and so forth. So I am only just emerging from the pit of despair and exhaustion that I created for myself with this change in schedule.

Anyway, so much for fate. I haven't had any infertility patients since I last posted. Weird. But that's OK. I'm building up my confidence, reviewing my acu point locations and needling skills, and generally mostly enjoying it all. When it all comes together, I will know my way forward and what I am supposed to work on. Or maybe I'm not supposed to specialize. There is, after all, something profound about helping someone who is in pain. Whether that is physical pain or emotional pain. It's all very amazing to see someone get off that treatment table looking relaxed and saying that they feel better.

We are doing a lot of "western" medical stuff this term at school. And we've done some recent work in different classes on cancer and also on respiratory diseases (among many others). Now, for me this has been hard, and yet eye-opening. My mother died from lung cancer at a very young age, and yet she was not a smoker. One of the pieces of anger that I'd carried around for many years is that she was initially misdiagnosed. I mean, when a 37 year-old female non-smoker walks in with a chronic cough, I don't suppose your thoughts would immediately go to a not-terribly-common-but-aggressive form of lung cancer, would they? No, indeed. And her doctor's thoughts didn't go there either. She was sent away twice with a diagnosis of bronchitis before they realized what was going on, as she was going downhill so rapidly. I knew this, and while for many years I have known that I shouldn't have expected anything else, and that this really wasn't malpractice or anything but just the expected course of events, there was still this anger that perhaps she'd have got better if it had been picked up earlier.

Now I know differently. Now, learning this stuff on cancer, and her cancer in particular, I know for certain that she would be dead by now whatever happened. At most, she'd have got a few more months. Maybe a year or two if a miracle had occurred. The 5-year survival rate is abysmally low for that cancer, even with the best treatments. Even now, 30 years after this all happened, it is very hard to treat. This was a nasty, nasty cancer. They could not have prevented her dying.

So.

That's that. It's kind of horrible to learn, and yet that little bit of anger is evaporating. She was destined to go. We couldn't have done more, and perhaps it was better to go so quickly and not draw things out.

'S funny. I never thought that going to acu school would do these things for me. And yet, it is changing me. Day in, day out, there are changes going on inside of me. And that is something to be grateful for.

Fate?

2010-01-07T10:02:00.002-05:00

It was my first day in the student clinic yesterday. In the morning I just observed on some simple pain cases. In the afternoon, I got to work on my first patient (in tandem with a more experienced student, and two doctors). And the first one I worked on? Yup, an infertility patient.

It was like the giant hand of fate was pressing on my head as soon as I walked in the room and realized what she was there for. It was saying "you SHALL work on infertility cases whether you want to or not." Not that I don't want to, necessarily, but sometimes I'd like the illusion of having a choice.

God, the poor woman. I knew exactly how she felt as she started crying in despair at the conflicting instructions from her RE not to take Chinese herbs, and the exortations of the main clinic doctor to take herbs and just give them three months. What is a person to do when these forceful personalities are all saying that you have to follow them to the letter and NOT do what the other forceful personality is telling you to do. And then the exercise/don't exercise question cropped up. And of course somebody in the room told her to relax and she'd get pregnant, and she wailed "but it's been two years." Deja fucking vu all over again. I hope I'll be able to tell her soon that I've been there, and to actually help her.

Snippety

2009-12-28T12:23:00.003-05:00

Miscellaneous snippets:

***************
A dear friend posted on her f-book page about how this was her first Christmas as a mother, and how she was more excited about seeing her boys with their gifts than about her own gifts. And it made me chuckle because of my own reaction. A few years ago in the throws of infertility angst, it would probably have made me seethe with jealousy, and I would have stifled a tear or two because she got to be a mother and I didn't. Or something. But now? Now I thought "awww, you were previously excited about your own gifts? Man, my family Christmas sucks ass in comparison then, because I'm never excited about getting gifts." I think the last time I can remember being excited about getting gifts was when I was about 7. I have been disappointed ever since. No, I should rephrase that. I don't get disappointed because I now have sufficiently low expectations. And actually, this year, I got quite a good haul - from the family I got some nice jammies (that I can get into - I have in the past received clothing that is too small, as a "hint" to make me want to lose weight), a cute silver necklace, a bottle of vino, and chocolate, and from friends I got an interesting cookbook, more vino, more chocolate, a cool reusable shopping bag, and a couple of gift cards. Not bad at all, really.

***************
I met a nice man who is interesting, and who maybe kinda seems interested in me. Whether it will go anywhere, I have no idea, as I am the worst, most lame person in the history of lameness at flirting. But he bought me a cup of coffee last week, and then on Thursday I got a Merry Christmas hug. So, we'll see. I hope he's the patient type. And that he perseveres in the face of lameness. But it has brought up all sorts of feelings about if I can get him to try to have kids together as a last ditch effort on my part (nota bene: we haven't even had a date yet, so this is wildly inappropriate thinking). And I came to a realization, which startled me. I realized that it is more important for me to approach any potential relationship in its own time, than to be a crazy person and try to rush somebody into ditching contraception just because I have a half-baked fantasy that 9 IVFs were wrong and that I'm actually still fertile. So, finally, a relationship will be more important to me because of its own merits than because of anything it can provide me in the way of kids. I think that's a pretty huge step, as it means I am at last putting away all of the kid fantasies, and am getting on with real life. Whatever real life has in store.

***************
I freakin' love the public library. Just saying. Every time I go (which is sadly not often these days due to school commitments) I am bowled over by how libraries have changed with the times. You can renew books over the internet. You can order them over the internet. They have magazines! DVDs! All sorts of things. For freeeeee. Awesomeness. If only they had all my school books, I'd be set, as I wouldn't have to pay hundreds of dollars every year to get new text books. Anyway, this year I am determined to keep going to the library even during school time, so I can have a little mental break from studying with some nice piece of fiction, or whatever.

***************
Merry New Year, one and all. I hope that if you are crushed by your own infertility pain (or any pain, really), that 2010 is the year that things finally go your way. Even if that means getting off the pain treadmill and finding other things to do with your life. Because that can be rewarding too, I promise.

Do you dream of home?

2009-12-21T09:24:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but until recently I never dreamt of my own house when dreaming of anything set at any home. It was always either the house I grew up in (I lived in the same house from the time I was 6 months old until I left home at 18) or my paternal grandparents' house (similarly, they never moved when I was a kid). Even if the dream was set in the present day. Or if I was conjuring up a scene from a book. It would be set in one of those houses. Other relatives' homes or even other homes that I have lived in never really factored in to the equation, even though they or I may have stayed in them for long periods of time, but I assumed that because they were not "permanent" meant they were lost to my unconscious. Although sometimes I'd dream of my maternal grandparents, and those were set at the house they lived in the longest (that I remember), but if they weren't the main characters in the dream, their house wasn't in it either. I suppose I assumed you get hard wired to certain archetypes of "home" so I figured mine was set. I'd be interested how those of you that moved around as kids dream of home.

Until this weekend. I dreamt of my current house. But more specifically, it was a bit of a nightmare. You see, my house got broken into. AGAIN. And I lost my brand new laptop, and more importantly, more sentimental jewelry (my mother's and great-grandmother's engagement rings). The police said that I'm now being targeted and watched, because now they know that I live alone, that I'm out of the house a lot, the house isn't very secure, there's no big dog, and I have expensive taste in electronics (I'm paraphrasing here). And there's a huge crime wave in the neighborhood and they're trying really hard to catch them.

Blah. This time the front door was damaged as they jimmied the lock. I have had it repaired, but I have ordered a new, swankier, tougher door, with no soft wood that can be splintered with a pry-bar type of a deal. I can't wait for it to be installed, as I don't feel all that safe any more. [Yes, the alarm was on, and went off, but it was a smash, run in and grab type thing. They were long gone before the police and I arrived.] I also have the alarm company coming on Wednesday to beef up the alarm system.

So, my dream. I dreamt that I was in my house, my current house, and there were evil zombie-type people outside trying to get in. They were banging against the living room window and the front door, rattling things, and generally being very menacing and zombie like. But in the dream I knew that I had awesome and terrible magic power, and so I raised myself up and boomed out "by the power vested in me, you shall NOT gain access to this house. This house is SAFE. You will LEAVE this property and not gain entry." And I zapped 'em with the power rays coming out of my hands. And then there were all the zombies with their hands on the windows, melting away and dying these rather horrible deaths. But oh, the evil looks that they gave me as they writhed and melted away were awful and fearsome, and I knew that it was not over and that they were going to try to come back again.

I just need to find my inner awesome and terrible power and make my house safe again, and then I'll be good.

Up, Down, On Pain

2009-12-13T08:08:00.005-05:00

Have you seen the movie "Up" - you know, the animated one with the old guy and the house and balloons and the little fat kid?

I rented it last night. Oh my lord, it made me bawl. I'm not sure that that was the intended effect on the moviegoing public, seeing as it's a Disney movie, and all, and I'm sure it is supposed to be a comedy. But still, there was bawling in my house. The kind of crying that is so loud and involved that you have to snort hard to get gasps of breath in your body inbetween wails. The kind of crying that makes your cat look up in alarm at the terrible racket you are making.

You see, at the beginning there's a little montage of the history of how the old crotchety guy got to be the old crotchety guy. It's lovely really, but includes a tiny scene where him and his wife suffer what appears to be the loss of a pregnancy and then never have kids. Presumably because they can't. And of course, to an infertile, this cuts like a knife wound, so it started me off with the sobbing. Of course, they make the best of things, and have a lovely relationship which is shown over the years, but which to my eyes was always tinged with the sadness of what never was. And yet they never get to go off and have the adventures they dreamed of, because there's always some emergency or other to pay for. And then the wife dies. And the man loses his last link to happiness, but has to carry on in his lonely life. And that had me wailing even harder.

It got me thinking of course, if they HAD been able to have children, would we have NOT expected them to still dream of having adventures? Is having children enough of an adventure that it leads to a satisfying life? I think the general answer is yes - it is an adventure into how you can live with your heart walking around outside of your body, in having your heart opened up so wide, with learning about responsibility and caring and having to be there and having to be responsive to that little being even when every fiber of your being is worn out, worn down and just plain bored of just one more repetition of "the wheels on the bus" or whatever. But those of us that do not have children, we seem to be expected to go out and find that grand adventure, that BIG life that is allegedly denied to those with children, to find meaning elsewhere. And if we don't do that, are we failures to be pitied? I suppose we are. I suppose I was pitying the old guy in the cartoon. I suppose that's what I was meant to do. And then we are supposed to cry again at the happy, yet poignant, ending montage. Which I did too. Of course there's a happy ending. It's Disney. And WE have to hope for a happy ending too.

And yet, there's a story there about loss here. And yes, redemption. There is so much love and loss, and pain in the world, that anything that shows it breaks my heart open anew these days. Any death of a child, of a spouse, of a sibling, of a parent, of any loved one, is terrible. Any infertility, especially if it involves a permanent loss - of a pregnancy, of a hope, of a dream, of a link to a genetic child, is terrible. But what gets me is the people who are left behind, who have to soldier on. Who have to continue living their life because it's not their time to die too. What a terrible fate. We who are left behind have to wallow in the grief even while we're secretly waiting for our own improbable Disney-like happy ending, for redemption, for a fat, obnoxious, annoying kid to knock on our door and change our lives.

And yet, I have seen my own pain and how it has changed me. Inside. Without a kid coming along and doing it for me. And would I change that for all the world? That realization that I can change my viewpoint about things and see the good in the bad? Actually, of course I would. I'm not yet so evolved that I cherish all of my pain, that I wouldn't gladly have changed it for success - but I CAN see that it has been in some ways beneficial. That it IS changing my life for the better, and that I can cherish parts of it, parts of my journey. And I am thankful that I can see that much. So why can't I see that pain for others could be good too, in the end? I suppose it's because we all just want to spare everyone from the depths of despair. We see pain in others, yes, even in a Disney cartoon, and are reminded of our own torment. And that hurts.

Nobody wants to go through the depths, the dark night of the soul, and yet the depths is precisely where the rebirth of a new hope, a new life, a new light can take place. It's a scary, horrible place, and not everyone has that new hope experience of course, but I wish, I wish, that those that ARE in pain, that have to go through it, can get something good out of it. I wish that we all could fully live in this wonderful adventure of life. Fully live. Even if we have to suffer through pain and loss and disappointment while we're doing it. I wish we could fully take to heart the words of the wise people who have been there before us and come out the other side. I wish we could all find the joy in pain.

On pain

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your field.
And you would watch with serenity though the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility;
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burns your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with his own sacred tears.

From The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

A funny thing happened

2009-12-06T08:03:00.002-05:00

See, I was just thinking "hmmm, I really better do a blog post before my 2 remaining readers think I have shuffled off this mortal coil..." when my A/C broke. What's that got to do with blogging, you might wonder. Well, if one doesn't have A/C it gets kinda hot. And when it's kinda hot, you tend to open a window. Or two. So there is my house, sitting there with windows open while I am at work one Friday, thinking "I really should call the A/C repair guys, but I don't want to spend the money and maybe I can last out until the cool weather arrives." And wouldn't you know it, the open windows looked so inviting that a couple of guys just couldn't resist popping the screens off the windows and climbing in. In broad daylight. On a Friday afternoon. As some of my neighbors were walking past with their dogs, and shouting that they were calling the police. So, that was that for my laptop. And my iPod. And some jewelry. Sigh. Off it all went into one of my pillowcases and on to whatever pawn shop/fence is currently paying the most for such things.

So, no computer = no blogging. And you thought I was just lazy - shame on you. Well, OK, I am lazy. Uh, I mean, busy. Uh, well, not living an interesting infertility-related life. But now I have finally got myself a new computer, so I feel obliged to post that I am not dead.

I am doing OK, actually. I'm taking stock of the fact that I'll probably never have kids. You'd think I would have been dealing with that all along, and I have. Kind of. But I always had this fantasy that I'd meet a nice guy and get knocked up the old fashioned way, against all the odds. But the odds are climbing higher and higher every day so it's featuring less and less in my imaginings of what my life is going to be like in the future. And that's surprisingly OK. I spend some time every now and then imagining my child-free life, and it brings me comfort. In fact, it's been one of the main ways that I have used in order to be able to crawl out from the pit of despair. What I do is picture myself at 70 and see what I've been able to accomplish without children - what sort of life I've built for myself. See, without paying for kids' things, and school and college, without needing to live in a place with extra bedrooms in a good school district, I figure you can afford to make different life choices.

In my imaginings I have built up a picture of myself as a thin, elegant lady who lives in a bijou apartment in NYC (or some other great city like Paris or London), who you might find dashing off to a yoga class, or to the library, or to tea with a dear friend, or to a free concert in Central Park. I have a small wardrobe of high quality designer clothes, and I have minimal but carefully cherished possessions. I am happy and serene, and although I don't live an expensive life, it is interesting and fulfilling.

It's funny, when I first started doing this, I set myself a task of picturing ANY sort of life, money no object, reality be damned - let's just picture anything that might make me happy without kids. I had spent so much of my life imagining that kids were the natural progression that I couldn't picture an adulthood without them. So I felt that I had to re-imagine life, and come up with a goal. And this is what gradually emerged. No fabulous yacht sailing around the south Pacific islands, no large mansion, not really anything that wasn't totally unattainable. So when I am wallowing in pity or feeling annoyed with life, I return to this picture, and try to put into action concrete steps that will help me get from here to there. I mean, without kids, why not be totally selfish and just make a life that will feel right.

So, I am doing yoga. I am doing it 2 or 3 times a week, and am getting back to bendiness and am gaining some good muscles. I am slowly losing the weight I gained doing infertility treatments. It's taken me over a year, but I am down nearly 25 pounds. I have a ways to go, but one of these days I will be in shape. Each time something no longer fits right, I am being brutal about putting it aside to take to Goodwill. I am no longer hanging on to bigger clothes in case I need them when I am pregnant. Slowly my giant wardrobe that is mostly clothes I can't fit in is being whittled down. Not that I'm at the stage of buying expensive designer things to replace the stuff I am giving away, but I am trying to think about buying things that are stylish and work well together. See, they're little steps, but they are actual, concrete steps that help me to feel like I am doing something. That I am creating my imagined life.

And there's school. It's a little (lot) crazy right now because we have a big comprehensive year-end exam coming up. But I am liking my class (yes, even the annoying guy has calmed down a lot and is growing on me), I am liking what I am learning and I can use it as an opportunity to have a fulfilling not-too-stressful job and to move anywhere I want when I graduate. And maybe I will move nowhere at all, and will stay put. But it'll be a choice because I like my friends and my life here, rather than just being in my current city because that's where my job is.

So. There. That's where my head is. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone mired in the pain of infertility, it's to start imaging a life without kids. Maybe you'll find that parenting really is the most important thing, and you'll adopt or succeed through treatment. Or maybe you'll find that life might not be so bad and lonely after all.

The Infertility Book

2009-10-11T08:37:00.003-04:00

What, wait, where did a whole month go since I last posted?

Sorry about that. Well, not that many people care, but hey. I feel that I don't really have all that much to say. I don't have a kid I can post regular updates on, and it's not like I suddenly have any great insight into how to fix infertility. I mean, I'm learning more each week about acupuncture theories and about the points, and how to tie it together into treatments, but am not yet in any position to really pull everything together in a cogent way. And there's only so many times I can post "I'm really busy" before it gets uber-tedious. But if you were to walk into the student clinic next semester with low back pain, and I was working there, I finally know what to do off the top of my head without having to go and look it up in the book. Woot.

However, I will report that I spend much of my time when I am aimlessly driving to and from the grocery store, or other humdrum activity, mentally composing the introduction to my great work - the book to end all books on infertility. Hah. If only, eh? But, just so you know, it starts off humbly detailing my abject failures in IVF, goes on to say how I met my wonderful husband (already we're in fantasy land here, because no wonderful husband is yet in sight), how I naturally conceived quickly (snort), had my amazing child at 42/43/44, then went on to discover how to reliably treat infertility patients in my busy and successful acupuncture practice (lalalalala-land). OR, in the alternative version, it starts off by saying that even though I remained an abject infertile failure, I still have something to say on the topic. Due to said fabulous and successful acupuncture practice. Bwahahaha.

My interest was piqued this week by news that my school is thisclose to starting up a PhD program in acu. And that certain students in my class (who are, ahem, not quite as brainily inclined as moi) are contemplating doing it once we have graduated from the Masters program. And I thought, hey, why are they contemplating it, and not I?? If it takes a few years to build a practice, and you are effectively experimenting on your patients during that time, to find out what really works for you, why not spend that time really experimenting, by formally conducting research and writing a thesis? Into infertility, of course. And then use said research as the basis for my aforementioned fantasy book.

I have no idea how the financing would work out, or if I really could do this, or what. But it certainly gives me something else to mentally chew over in the car. I wonder if the local IVF clinic would cut a deal with an old patient and do a joint study with me? Hmmm....

The school food hierarchy

2009-09-11T21:35:00.002-04:00

It seems at an alternative health type school, we are all a bit freaky about our eating. Or perhaps we all just only pretend to be uber-healthy when in public, and secretly scarf down pints of ice cream at home (as I did tonight, but I don't mind telling you guys because I freakin' enjoyed it, damn it).

Anyway, it seems to be a cool acupuncture student you must:

Only eat home-cooked food (commercially prepared food is so last century).

Only eat organic food (duh).

Only eat Chinese-style food (because we're studying Chinese medicine, after all).

Only eat out of pyrex containers (because plastic is bad).

Only use the toaster oven to heat up said home-cooked Chinese-style food in said pyrex containers (because microwaves are evil).

Only use your own chopsticks that you bring from home (forks are for idiots).

Except for the bozos like me who bring in an Amy's frozen meal and nuke it in the microwave. Which I then eat with a good old-fashioned western-style fork. I felt so embarrassed at school yesterday with two frozen meals - one for lunch and one for dinner. The sodium! The laziness! The horror! Ah well. I guess I am not cool after all.

Perhaps in a week or two when the crushing exhaustion that comes with the start of the semester lifts I will start trying to cook for myself again. But for now, Amy's is all I can muster the energy for.

Scheduling

2009-09-07T11:29:00.002-04:00

So, all that house cleaning that I was determined I was going to do on my break? Yeah, it didn't happen. I mean, some cleaning happened. Some closet clearing and such. But not the big spring clean that it really needed. And it is back to school tomorrow, so it is back to the time crunch.

Of course, instead of actually cleaning the whole house today, I have written myself out a detailed chore schedule, which I'm going to print and stick on the fridge. And oh yes, you betcha it has spaces for check marks to fill in when I have completed something.

Despite my love of study schedules, I am really not the type of person that loves to schedule the remainder of my time. I like to do things as I feel like them rather than have a routine. I like NOT knowing that Monday is laundry night, or whatever. I think it comes from my childhood, where we had a rigid meal schedule. I mean, sure, I liked casserole, but that didn't mean that I wanted to have it every Tuesday. Or fish sticks every Saturday. So I have generally lived a bit more free flowing than that. Which is fine and dandy if you have the time, but I don't any more. I don't have the time to catch up, because if I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher today, there's no freakin' time to spend tomorrow to do it.

But I also just cannot allow things to disintegrate around the house as I have done the past two semesters. I cannot be too embarrassed to have people come to my home. I cannot live like a slob any more. Thusly, the schedule.

On today's docket:

AM:

Go for a walk - not done, but I did some yardwork that I should have done yesterday, so I'm counting it as done as that's enough exercise for the day.

Laundry - check. Well, it's in the washer, but not completed.

Clean out kitty litter - check.

Clean shower - not yet

PM:

Buy groceries - not yet

Load today's dishes into dishwasher - not yet, or yesterday's dishes if I'm being honest

Clean kitchen surfaces - not yet

Take out garbage and recycling - not yet

Spend 6 mins* dusting/vacuuming - not yet

Do qi gong - not yet

Oh lordy. It seems such a huge and insurmountable list when it's written out. Maybe I'd better get on with it. At least today there's no work to get in the way so I can do things leisurely around the studying and hulu watching that is also going on.

*the 6 mins of dusting and vacuuming is because I have a handheld Dyson that I can use for both. And its battery only lasts for 6 minutes on one charge. The plan is to just go at a portion of the house until the battery dies. And the next day do the next portion of the house, and repeat on most days until eventually I am back to where I started.

I used to be a blogger

2009-08-29T19:30:00.003-04:00

Whenever I read about how another blogger, no, let me correct myself, a blogger is feeling bad because she's out of touch, and then goes on to explain in detail why, it reminds me just how out of touch I am now. Because I'm always way more out of touch than they are. Way, way more. I basically read about three blogs now. No, strike that. At any one time I may, on a good day, read three blogs. But that covers about 10 actual blogs - it's just that some of them may only get read once in three months, whereas others I might read, ooh, as often as once every three days. Not three times a day as I sometimes used to.

It's my own fault, I know. But where do you fit once you've had an infertility blog and then given up? Most infertility blogs morph into mommy blogs, and hooray for that. But I'm not even writing about getting on with life after infertility. I mean, sure, I could post every time I'm wistful, or jealous, or bitter, or even dream about something (last night I dreamt I had a fantastic beta result - that was a disappointing wake up moment, I can tell ya). But I think that would rapidly get boring, because who wants to hear all the time that I'm wistful? Or even, happy. Because, yes, most of the time I'm actually happy these days. Thank GOD I am not going through infertility any more. Thank the little baby jesus for that.

So instead, I don't blog about anything really. Which is even more boring I'm sure. So here are some snippets:

********

I have finally discovered hulu.com. And am working my way through the entire back catalog of Arrested Development. Love that show! And by the way, has anyone seen Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog? Genius.

********

I have, for the first time ever, almost thrown out some books. I say "almost" because I have two piles - one to go to work to our employee "library" and one pile to go in the recycling bin (all useless free books that came with magazines that are really more booklets than books). But they haven't made it out of the house yet, and so I could still chicken out.

You see, I am trying to pare down my stuff so that it actually fits within the storage that I have available. So far this week I've worked through my closet (apart from the shoes and dresses) and my t-shirt drawer. And one bookshelf. It's a start people, it's a start. I have this dream of living this very minimalist, organized, neat and tidy life, which is sadly always destroyed due to my love of shopping. And my habit of not fitting into 3/4 of my clothes as I gain and lose weight. But really, there's no need for me to have 5 pairs of black ballet flats. Or 7 pairs of sneakers. Or 6 pairs of black pants. I am slooowly improving on that score. Why, just this week I resisted buying another pair of sneakers, but instead am throwing away the pair that I've been wearing as they're now falling apart, and have dug an old pair out of the back of the closet. So what if they made my feet bleed the last time I wore them? I will wear them in and make use of them, damn it.

One of these days I shall be that elegant lady who lives in a miniscule apartment with minimal possessions, but each of whose possessions are treasured, wonderful quality, just so, and fabulous. Even if it takes me until I am 90.

*********

Still haven't rejoined a dating site. But I'm still working on it. Kinda sorta.

*********

Cousin was not sent overboard by Hurricane Bill. But last heard of was in danger due to (remains of?) tropical storm Danny. Ah well, I'm sure they will go back out to sea again, and ride this one out too.

*********

I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again. At least while at school I'm busy as anything and feeling like life has a purpose. The many evenings of doing nothing this week have just been a reminder of my lack of social life. Hence trying to update my blog on a Saturday night instead of going out and having fun. Bleh. OK, back off to hulu...

Refreshed?

2009-08-22T17:45:00.003-04:00

I am home. Tired, but home. I made the possibly mistaken decision to drive all the way home from Asheville, NC to So. Fla. in one day. Through a giant rainstorm that lasted all through Georgia. So today, I ache. And I feel depleted. And all kinds of tired.

But I had a lovely time. I feel renewed and refreshed. I feel ready to tackle projects around the house, and projects in my life. Why, I even started on an online dating profile. Whether I actually complete any of these projects is another matter of course, but I took the opportunity of being on vacation to take lots of photos of myself for said profile, so we'll see. The photo posted here is not, of course, of me, but of some flowers from Biltmore Estate. They have quite lovely gardens there, I must say. Perhaps I will post more soon when I have more energy.

*****

I have arrived home to a freaking-out aunt. My cousin, last we heard of him, was in a fishing boat off the Grand Banks near Newfoundland in an area called the Flemish Cap. [Such is my family - you never know what will crop up next.] In case you've never heard of the area (and I must admit, I hadn't), it's where Perfect Storm is set. Where the Titanic sank. In other words, not a pleasant place to be on a fishing boat when a hurricane is bearing down on you. The boat is going to go further out to sea in the hopes of avoiding the storm, but one never knows with these things if a storm will jog off its predicted course at the last minute. And of course, being an idiot, I have promptly opened up my copy of Perfect Storm and started freaking myself out by reading about the harsh conditions. So, if you are the praying type (or the sending good thoughts type), please send some thoughts for all the shipping vessels that are in the way of the current hurricane. We always breathe a sigh of relief when these things are predicted to avoid land, but of course on this crowded planet there are always some people who are in the path of danger. And as one of them is a relative of mine this time, that is where my thoughts are straying.

School's out for summer

2009-08-16T08:22:00.002-04:00

I get a whole 3 weeks off. So I am heading off on vacation for 1 week, then I'll be back in town.

I was pleased with the final week at school. I did the best in class at the Chinese massage first time around (although he let people have another try the following day if they wanted to improve their grade so it ended up that I was not the only A). The other exams went well - I underperformed slightly on one (it was damn hard) but then so did most everyone else. By the time he added in the grades from the quizzes we'd done during the semester, and he curved a bit, I was back up to where I wanted to be. So I think I'll either have straight A's, or one A-. Wait, do you count A-'s as being included in "straight A" tallies? I never know if you should or not. I guess there's always a chance of an A+ from anatomy this semester (haven't seen that grade, but she's generous and gave me A+ last time), so maybe if I do get an A- that will be cancelled out.

Anyway, I shouldn't be so concerned. It's not freakin' Harvard. A good grade doesn't make a good acupuncturist. But I keep thinking that if there are opportunities to go and study in China, or to intern with the best professors, they will go to the high performing students, and that's one reason why I keep trying to do well. And there's the little matter of my own Type A tendencies coming to the fore, I guess.

Back in town in a week, barring hurricanes.

Just so you know...

2009-08-12T07:50:00.003-04:00

It took until Tuesday morning to get an (almost) definitive answer on the question of whether I was fired or not. My department head said "well, I don't think you were fired. Maybe they just cut your benefits." Then the office manager expounded on how you have to do 30 hours a week for benefits, and maybe they were looking at certain figures and not other figures and that could be an answer. To which I replied that they would still have had to have given me advanced notice. And that it would be nice if someone, anyone, had shown a bit more confidence in whether I was still an employee or not. Even my own boss. And the HR woman, when she finally got back to me sent me a one line email saying "I show you as OK." Which raised the question as to precisely what OK meant.

But on Tuesday morning the HR woman sent me an email saying that she had spoken to the insurance company and that my benefits had been reinstated. No confirming that it had been a mistake, or apologizing for the stress, or anything. Thanks a lot, employer, for all the warm and fuzzies.

Snippets

2009-08-09T19:42:00.003-04:00

Packing: such a chore since moving to S. Fla. Everywhere else that I go is cooler than here, but yet how much cooler? Does one take endless sweaters or does one assume that it's summer and will be plenty hot enough, thank you. I am going on vacation in a week (yay!) and am trying to figure out what on earth I will wear. The high temperature will be about 83. Which is the current overnight low at home. And the low will be a nippy 61. But that's when I'll be tucked up in bed. How cool will the evenings be? Will I be shivering if I don't take fleece and woolies? I am not so tolerant of low temperatures now that I'm a tropical little flower. And then there'll be some hiking in the mountains. I'm only used to hiking in England, where one basically prepares for a blizzard, or at the very least, a freezing downpour, and hopes like hell that one won't encounter that. Will I feel like a tool if I'm wrapped up as if for winter with my Kendal mint cake in my giant backpack and everyone else is in shorts and t-shirts? Will I end up with a suitcase the size of a house to account for all the layers of clothes I will have to take?

School: we were discussing Type A personalities in Anatomy class, you know, how they're hard driving people that aren't happy unless they get 100 on their tests. Half the heads in the class swiveled in my direction with knowing grins. What? Said I. That is SO not me. I am PERFECTLY HAPPY with a 99! Heh. Coming from a law firm where I am one of the most type B people in the place, it amuses me that I appear type A to my classmates. Of course, I'm sure I'm a bit of both, and I do love me a 100 on a test...

More on school: we were doing some qi gong the other day in class, and had to hold our balls of qi in front of us (imaginary energy, that is) with our eyes shut. I was pronounced the best, because the teacher could feel heat in-between my hands, and I opened my eyes when he moved his hand between my two. I felt a slight breeze when he did it, so I don't know if there was anything really to it or if there was a slight bit of physics-nerd cheating going on, but hey. I went up in the estimation of some of my classmates, and more importantly, in the eyes of the teacher. The daily qi gong practice is really paying off with the hot hands thing.

Work: my buddy at work swears that he was told that nobody from our office was getting laid off, and nobody from our department either. So he thinks that I am NOT fired, but I'm still awaiting the verdict. He concurs with me that I may have been on a "bad list" of people with low billable hours, but then they realized that I was part time. But the "bad list" might have gone to the health insurance people. Or something. He said I should have called our boss to find out for sure, but I didn't want him going loopy on the HR people at the weekend, or having the awkward "ah well, I was going to tell you on Monday..." conversation on the phone, so I didn't. We will see. My classmate who I carpool to school with on Saturdays says that even if I AM fired, things happen for a reason, and on the whole I agree with her, so I'm not stressing too much.

Babies: I find myself wistful again for babies. I mourn the passing of each ovulation, as I'm no nearer to finding a reliable source of sperm. I tend to think that I'll need the hormone surge of a new relationship to have any hope of conceiving, so I don't think that ordering a man in a can will do me any good. I have plans to get out and about to new places while on summer break, so you never know, maybe I'll meet me a nice guy at a Buddhist meditation class.

Oops! You're fired!

2009-08-07T19:31:00.003-04:00

I arrived home today to a certificate from the health insurance company that I had coverage up to 8/1/09. I blinked. And turned it over, and blinked again. Yup. There was a clear "date coverage ended" field that was filled in.

I emailed someone in HR. Of course, being as it was 7pm on a Friday night, I do not expect much of a response until Monday. I called the insurance company. Oh no, the lady said, it's not a mistake. We received paperwork which included a termination date of August 1, 2009. Right, said I, but if that paperwork was sent to you by mistake, because either it's that or my employer forgot to mention that they fired me, forgot to march me out of the building, and forgot to disconnect my email, what happens to me if I get in a car crash this weekend? Oh, she said, well, if they write to us and explain that it was a mistake, we'd give you the coverage back retroactively. But they'll have to send us the paperwork, we can't do anything about it based on your say-so. Obviously not, says I. Convenient that it's a Friday night, isn't it?

The thing is, normally I'd blow this off as a silly mistake, but they DID lay off some people last Friday. August 1st. Although I think they were given a week's notice until today but I'm not sure. So it could be that my name was included in the paperwork for a reason. And in this economy you can't exactly take a job for granted.

Or it could just be a misunderstanding. They could have just effed it up again. My HR stuff is ALWAYS effed up. First of all, there is someone else at my employer with the same first and last name as me. Which is not unique in the company, as it's fairly large. In fact, at one point there were 3 guys with the same name and I think two of them had the same middle initial too. But despite the fact that you'd think they'd plan that over a certain size there could very well be people with similar or the same names, they still eff stuff up because of it. Second, I am the only one in my company with my job title right now. Well, we used to have 4 people in the same job but the other 3 have all left. And it doesn't quite fit nicely in the usual categories, so they often make the rules up as they go along. Leading to effed-uppedness. Third, I'm now ALSO part time, which effs things up even more.

Sigh. I know I should be grateful that I have a job. And I AM, trust me. My bro' has now been unemployed for 11 months. I know the deal. It'd just be nice not to be scared shitless by your mail.

Not-so-secret Hermione

2009-07-30T10:35:00.002-04:00

I admit it, I relish big exams. I relish a studying challenge. Well, I hate it while doing it, but I enjoy the challenge, the planning, the feeling of undertaking a giant mission. And finally, and most importantly, the relief and sense of accomplishment when it is all done. But I'm talking the really big exams here. The bar exams. The boards. Finals at college that are really finals - i.e. year or course-end cumulative finals.

When I did my equivalent of bar exams in the UK, back in the day, I'd go to a quiet corner of the law library and settle myself in, plotting out 12 hour days. Yes, 12 hours. That was only at the very end, of course, when I took some time off work to study. Prior to that it had been mere 8 hour days at weekends. I'd plan out what I'd study, when I'd take breaks. Where I'd eat. All of that. And then I'd hole myself up, dig in, and not permit myself any distractions.

For acupuncture, the big deal is the boards. There are 4 boards as far as I can tell, although it may be 5 - I get confused because they changed the rules, and then people complained and they changed them back. So sometimes I think something is right, but then I find that that was what it was going to be, but isn't now. Confusing, huh. You have to pass varying numbers for licensing in various states. For my state, I could get away with 3, although my plan is to do all 4 (or 5) so that I could possibly move to another state if I wanted to. Besides, it's just better to do them all. Some of them I can do pre-graduation, after a certain number of credit hours, some I may wait until after graduation. In preparation for the boards, my school has cumulative year-end exams. So at the end of the first year, you review anything you've ever studied that might come up on the boards. At the end of the second year, ditto. At the end of the third year, you're basically taking exams that are the equivalent of the boards, so it's good practice.

We got our class schedules for next semester this week (although I should say trimester as there are three terms in the school year, not two, but trimester is uncomfortably pregnancy-related), and there looming on it is the year-end exam. It scared me at first, and I felt like I couldn't possibly fit in enough studying for it. But then my inner Hermione kicked in, and I dug out a notebook and started mapping out a study plan. It is uber-ambitious. My classmates would probably kill me if they found out how much I'm planning on doing. But several of them have said they're just going to study all semester long, and that's what I'm planning, so maybe they are being equally ambitious. Although I tend to like to go back and read the textbooks and then study from study aids or tables, rather than stick with the Cliff notes all along. I am probably therefore planning on more hours than most.

Doing the study plan made me feel good in the moment, but now I have to admit, looking at it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach again. Erk. OK, I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. Relish the challenge, and all that. I can DO this.

Where was I?

2009-07-23T18:51:00.002-04:00

Oh yes, when last you heard from me I was bone tired. It was just a phase, and now I am back to my usual vim and vigor. Well, OK, not vim or vigor exactly, but not deadbeat tired either.

I feel oddly disconnected from the world, and it's almost entirely of my own choosing. That and, you know, busy-ness. Work has "upgraded" our internet experience, which means that I can no longer access any blogspot or typepad or any number of bloggy-type sites from the office. I suppose it's fair, given that I am supposed to be there working and not goofing off and surfing, but it does cut into my access to the world somewhat. You'd think that I'd fire up the old internet when I get home, but I am mostly reluctant to these days. I feel worn out by sitting in front of a computer screen all day at work, so that I don't want to turn the damn thing on at home. So, even though previously I was hopelessly behind in blog reading, now I'm woefully behind. I don't even want to fire up the TV either. In fact, I can't remember the last time it was actually turned on. I think I watched a rerun of House about 3 weeks ago. Now I get my news and entertainment from NPR, the New York Times online, and a music station (the best of the 80's, 90's and today, don't ya know). And that's pretty much it. I am turning into a hermit, rereading old familiar books when I should be studying. And studying when I should be sleeping. Although I did go and see the Harry Potter movie last weekend with my tenant/roommate. And was sorely disappointed at its slow pace and lack of magicky action. Sigh.

And then I got a private message from an IVF board. Asking me questions based on a post of mine from 18 months ago. I'm too tired and heart sore to respond to it. I have nothing to add to anyone's fertility journey at the moment. I have no expertise that I wish to pour forth. I am tired of being barren and childless. Tired of being single. Tired of knowing all about IVF cycles. Tired of trying to be healthy so that I might have a chance of a fertile egg before my ovaries completely shrivel up, although given that I am making no headway in finding a boyfriend, what's the damn point? No, actually, it's not true that I am trying to be healthy just for the sake of my eggs. I am trying to be healthy because I am aging, and I don't want to be a miserable old lady with aches and pains. The egg thing is just wistful nonsense.

Bah. This post is coming off all bitter and twisted, which is not what I wanted. Mostly I am doing fine these days. I am enjoying school, and am slowly climbing the mountain of information I have to cram into my brain before I graduate. I am enjoying most of my fellow students (except for the asshole, who annoys me daily - I am starting to think that he is the cross I have to bear, the one that has been sent to test my patience so that I can finally dispense with my ego and let the annoyances wash over me. Or something. Well, let's face it, if I don't tell myself that he was sent to try me, all that is left is believing that he's just an asshole. And I'm trying to think better of him than that.) I have melancholy moments when I think about being childless and a failure in that department. But they do not make up the majority of my days. Most of my days are spent trying to remember exactly what a purplish-blue tongue means as opposed to a purplish-red tongue, or exactly what acupuncture point SJ 19 is for, or doing endless hours of practice at twisting needles or massage techniques. Or some such. I don't have any miraculous cures for anyone out there at the moment, though I will say: take Floradix liquid iron + herbs, and get thee some B12 shots (or, failing that, the dissolvable sublingual B12 tablets). Not very Chinese-y, I know. But you'll thank me in the end.

Energy shmenergy

2009-07-13T10:49:00.004-04:00

I am tired. Bone tired. Weary. Just...tired.

I have not been sleeping well lately, combined with going to bed later than I used to, combined with stress at work and school, and...it turns me into a tired, irritable lady. I have booked a vacation for the summer break, but that's a month away. And I have a bunch of exams between now and then. Grumble, grumble, grumble. It all makes me wonder what on earth I am doing, signing up for this school thing and having the audacity to think that I can just change my career like that. Some days I think I'll never be a good acupuncturist, because I just don't have time to practice or do enough other things to hone the physical side of this job. And then there are SO many things to memorize and learn.

Sigh.

In other news, a few of us were discussing chakras and acu in one of our breaks. They don't teach us about the chakras at school (being as it's not strictly part of Chinese theory) but there are some books out there on it, and some practitioners work with the chakras. I find it pretty interesting - after all, if this stuff is real, it should all work and all the different energy medicine theories should line up and have plenty of correspondences. If it's all voodoo, it won't.

But of course, the annoying student in my class was all "it's Chh-ak-ras, not shak-ras." So I responded "Chh-ak-ras, shakras, energy centers, what-evah, who cares what we call them?" But the dude would not shut up, about how he knew more about the chakras than us because he's a yogi and blah blah blah. And it's CHh-ak-ra. Yeah mate, I thought, you've got a really looong way to go before you really understand what being a yogi is. A little bit of humility mixed in is definitely necessary. Anyhoo, how come the world and their uncle says shakras then?

Grrr. You can see how the irritability is not helping me right about now.

On the chair situation

2009-07-10T09:40:00.003-04:00

Just an update: employer was very happy to arrange an ergonomic assessment for my secretary, which is set for July 22nd. She's actually looking forward to it now, go figure. And they said they would have no problem buying a new chair or whatever is necessary. Which fits in with my own experience - I got a new chair a couple of years ago when the other one was giving me lower back pain. So even though they'll generally say "no spending," if there's something that is causing an actual problem, they will replace it.

And yes, they would have to pay for the surgery, not the insurance company. We have "self-funded coverage" where my employer picks up the entire tab, using the insurance company for administration only. Apparently it's cheaper to do it that way than buy the full insurance. Again, go figure.

So, a combination of knowing what would be cheaper combined with a huge fear of workers' comp claims and there you go. I figured all along that it wasn't our employer dragging their feet but my secretary.

But thanks for the info on the surgery being easy for most people. I guess it's always the problem cases that stick in my mind...

The problem with acupuncture acceptance...

2009-07-07T15:53:00.005-04:00

Two posts in one day, it's a miracle!

I share a secretary, and she's recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome, although she says it's been coming on for years. I said she should get her workstation looked at, because I'm convinced her chair is wrong, her keyboard set up is wrong and her monitor is at the wrong height. She's very petite, and the standard-sized stuff just doesn't fit her. She didn't want to bother anyone, and anyway, our employer has been cost-cutting, so she was sure there was nothing that could be done. She didn't want the surgery. I pointed out that acu is supposed to be very good for carpal tunnel. She didn't want to do acu because she was scared of the pain of needles, although by this point, she was unable to sleep because of the terrible pain in her wrists.

Finally she said she'd give acu a try. She's now been 3 times. The acu thinks it might take 8 sessions to really help. In the meantime, I kept nagging her to ask about having someone come in to do an ergonomic assessment for her desk, because why fix the problem once and then go on aggravating it. She kept hemming and hawing. She told the office manager that it wasn't such a big issue.

Then this weekend she spoke to a nurse at a nursing home where she was visiting, who spotted the wrist brace, and told her about her own carpal tunnel surgery, which was outpatient and such a relief and all that. Super easy! So now my secretary wants to quit acu because she has to pay for it, as it's not covered by insurance, and go and have the surgery instead as that will be covered by the insurance. Aargh! Is it just me that thinks it's ridiculous to put yourself through surgery when something natural and non-invasive is already helping and could help longer term? Just because you don't want to pay for it? And how much would she have to pay in co-pays for the surgery and the drugs she'd need to take? Is surgery really easier than acupuncture? And even if our employer is cost-cutting, surely it's cheaper for them to buy a new damn chair than pay for surgery?

After hearing this new plan of hers, I've stopped nagging her to ask for an ergonomic assessment, and just gone over her head and demanded one. It's already been agreed to, and is going to go ahead soon. Oy. I just hope that will help so she can avoid surgery, which I'm sure is not quick and super easy for everybody.

The problem with restricting certain foods...

2009-07-07T14:03:00.003-04:00

...is that nobody takes any damn notice. Case in point, lunch today:

Sarah, to waiter: I'd like the tofu masaman curry please, with brown rice. That doesn't have peanuts in it does it? Because I can't eat peanuts, so if it comes with peanuts, I don't want them.

Waiter, to Sarah: Oh no, no peanuts; that curry is potato-based. There's no peanuts at all.

Of course, the meal arrives with a GIANT handful of peanuts dumped on top of it. Uh huh. Thankyouverymuch a-hole. So I spent the first part of lunch and much of the rest of the picking the darn things out, accidentally ate two halves and now I feel sick. I've been shoveling the Tums in, which is my usual remedy for accidental peanut-induced nausea, which works if I can do it quick enough. Otherwise I may have to go and stick my fingers down my throat. Bleh.

I mean, thank god I'm not actually allergic to the damn things, like anaphalactic shock allergic. Although I suppose then a) I wouldn't have set foot in a Thai restaurant, no matter how my coworkers wheedled and tried to get me to, and b) I'd have sent the meal back. Next time it happens, though, I will NOT be such a lame ass and I WILL send the meal back.

No doubt it had flour in it too, as the tofu seemed coated in something. So much for gluten free, as well.

Futurama

2009-07-06T14:48:00.003-04:00

I went out to lunch with my boss today, who said that he has a daydream that I'm still going to want to work for him when I've got my acupuncture license. I said "uh, you do know that I'm not doing this for fun, right? I am planning to leave and do it full time." He said "I know, I know, but I was hoping that maybe while you're building up your acupuncture practice you could keep working with me, maybe even one day a week, hell, whatever percentage I can get. Just for you to keep the money coming in the door until you're overwhelmed with acu work and need to switch to it full time. And for me to still have you working for us, because you're awesome."

Awwww. It quite brought a lump to my throat . But it does make me think more about the future. See, I have been giving it lots of thought and I think I'd like to work with someone else for a few years, to get some experience. I've never believed that it is right to go and hang a shingle the moment you're qualified in anything that requires thinking. Ignoring art and such, where you can and probably should go off to do your own creative thing right from the get go. I think it's best to gain experience, to have someone to bounce questions off, and all that good stuff. So it'd be good to find a part-time job (or heck, even a full time one) that I could do for the pittance that a freshly-minted acu can command, and keep money coming in with a few hours a week at the current, more lucrative job.

It's nice to know I have options.

Optimism

2009-07-01T11:06:00.003-04:00

I have this feeling that July is going to be a good month. I hope it is!

My horoscope is pretty darn stellar, I've got a lottery ticket sitting in my purse that I'm putting a lot of hope in, I have been feeling fit and healthy, and I just changed my hair style (I've gone straight). And I got that appraising "look" from a guy in the supermarket the other day. You know, the "you're kind of a foxy lady and I want you to know it" type look. I haven't had that look in, like forever, so it was a bit of an ego boost. I think it was the new hairdo, as I've been walking around with a frizzy bird's nest on my head, looking like I just didn't care any more, and suddenly I look like I DO care and I think that causes a second look from guys. That and the fact that I feel like I look better gives me more confidence to radiate out to the world. Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

AND it is Grandpa's birthday today, so I called him and we had a nice chat. 93! Woot!

So, I'm in a great mood. I hope it lasts all month and that THIS is the month when I finally meet the boyfriend of my dreams. Or you know, the month when I win the lottery. That'd do too.

Fibro and all that jazz

2009-06-26T11:10:00.005-04:00

SS said...
Hi- I am curious about you saying you had fibromyalgia- do you no longer have it? My sisters suffer from this condition and with the limited medication available even with a good rheumatologist they've had trouble controlling it. Were you able to do this through acupuncture or diet? Did you have positive ANA titer? Just curious- good luck with the diet changes. They tried a million of those to no avail.

Ah, yes, well, the fibro issue. OK, so I never got a real diagnosis from a rheumatologist or an MD. Usually I hesitate before mentioning anything about fibro because it all seems a bit...unlikely, even to me. Can you have it and then not have it? What happened was this...I had a super stressful time at work for an ongoing period, and basically burned myself out. Then for months afterwards I had fibro symptoms - intense muscle and joint pain, fatigue, fogginess, etc, but was refusing to believe anything was necessarily amiss. Then I went to a naturopathic doc, or ND, at the urging of auntie, who "diagnosed" me with fibro (not even sure they're technically allowed to diagnose - she may have used whatever wording she had to - suggested or believed or whatever) based on tender points, symptoms and some bioelectric feedback machine thingie. I never had a positive titer or any blood test. I never wanted to go to a regular doctor because I knew they didn't have much to offer and I didn't want it on my insurance records.

The thing is, I know it was mild, even though it was mildly debilitating at the time - it was never so debilitating that I couldn't force myself to get to work. I couldn't do much else, but I could work. My aunt has fibro, and she has it way worse than I ever did, and also can't get rid of it so I always had a comparison and knew that I was lucky. I was also lucky in that it was "diagnosed" very early - after only a few months rather than years as most people suffer through. I think that was very helpful in addition to the mildness. So the first, and only, thing I took specifically for fibro was magnesium malate (also known as malic magnesium). I took it up to my digestive tolerance level, I had to ramp up the amount until I got pain relief, then was able to taper back down when it wasn't so bad. Basically it's a muscle relaxant, but it relaxes everything so you end up with diarrhea - you have to find the balancing point of what you can tolerate, and your body does get digestively used to it after a while. The biggest thing I did I think was deciding that my job was not worth making myself sick over. I decided that if they fired me, oh well. So I cut back down on the hours I was working and the stress that I put myself under. I decided I didn't care any more, didn't want to do the job any more and would look for something else I could do. And 6+ years later, they still haven't fired me, but it came close at various points, I am sure. And now I am on the path to a new job and hopefully not so much stress.

Other than that, I can't really say what worked. I mean, acupuncture I'm sure has helped. I've done so much of it, but we weren't focusing on fibro. Changes in my diet have helped but I don't recall exactly what I did or didn't do. I just generally eat healthier. I took vitamins and supplements, but did any of those help other than the magnesium malate? I don't know. At some point, the pain just faded away and then stopped. Occasionally, it will start to come back - it has lately. I find when I am under stress, or not taking my vitamins, or not eating so healthily, it starts playing around with my middle back, then starts stretching around my ribs, then starts invading my hands and feet. Actually, as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if it's the dairy, as that's the only thing I started eating more of lately just before the pain started coming back. Although school is stressful in its own way, so it could be that too. It may be a combination - maybe I can deal with dairy (and/or wheat) when under no stress, or vice versa, but can't handle both/all together? When it does return, I jump back on the magnesium malate, and make a conscious effort to reduce the stress, and pay attention to my diet again. And luckily, for the last few years, the pain fades out again after a few weeks.

So, did I ever really have it? Maybe not. Did it ever go away? Maybe not. It, whatever it is, lurks. But these days, the majority of the time, I don't have any symptoms.

A food thing

2009-06-23T09:53:00.003-04:00

I am all better now, by the way. It was a 24-hour bug thingie, so I was actually feeling pretty tip-top by about 5pm on Friday. Weird.

Anyway, I wanted to write about food. And specifically whether it contributes to infertility. My aunt has been diagnosed with some gluten intolerance issue within the last year, and she's lately been reading a book all about it, and called me up in a lather. She said she kept thinking of me as she read how gluten intolerance could cause infertility, lead to weight gain, fibromyalgia, fatigue, etc, etc, all things that I have had. Now, personally, I think I got fat because I ate too much, not from any other reason. But whatever, I indulged her in the conversation although I pointed out that the infertility aspect was pretty much moot by this point. She said that she was reading how it could be genetic, and could lead to all sorts of microcirculation problems later in life (that she is dealing with now), and eventually to stroke. Which we have running rampant in our family - if family history is anything to go by, we are both doomed to have strokes. Well, actually, I am. She's already had a minor stroke, so I should say she is doomed to have more and I am doomed to rinse and repeat. [I mean, actually, it's a minor medical miracle that my aunt is walking around - both her cardiologist and her internist have told her that she's their most interesting/confounding patient, and would probably not be here if she hadn't led such a healthy lifestyle. Personally, I wish they'd use their interest to finally diagnose the root of her many issues, but they're working on it. Anyhoo, it's a good incentive for me to live a healthy lifestyle, as I don't want to drop dead in my 50's of an aneurysm.]

So I thought I might give it a go. Although I've tried cutting out wheat before, but didn't specifically go to the extent of trying to be 100% gluten free. And I'm not yet gluten free, either, as I refuse to throw food out so I'm using up things in my cupboard. I'm trying to buy gluten free things as I shop, though.

But then, as a vegetarian, it's damn hard to be gluten free AND dairy free. So I decided I would reintroduce more dairy. I'd cut way back on the dairy intake as the Chinese frown on it, but the decision to try gluten free was coupled with the discovery that greek yogurt is, like, totally the best thing in the world so I thought, hey, perfect excuse! Except, I'm starting to wake up in the mornings with the old arthritic feelings in my hands and feet. And I'm feeling a bit more phlegmy in the sinuses. I had forgotten about how those issues used to bug me and how they went away when I reduced the dairy to a very small amount. So, sadly, I may have to cut out the dairy again as well as it looks like I have a slight intolerance to it. Bleh. I feel like I will be a complete social pariah, not able to eat out anywhere.

Of course, it all makes me wonder. If I have a slight intolerance to dairy, and a slight intolerance to wheat, and I know I have an intolerance to peanuts, did a combination of these things contribute to my infertility? Are they contributing to yours? How on earth would we know, and how could we find out? I tried so many things while I was TTC'ing, from cutting out caffeine, to cutting out alcohol, wheat, and dairy. But only for periods of a couple of months at at time - after all, when you're under that much stress, it's only natural to want to comfort yourself with pizza and ice cream after a while. And it wasn't as if I was doing it scientifically, as I was flailing around and grabbing on to anyone's half-baked theories of what and what not to eat, hoping it would bring a result, and then giving up in disgust when it didn't. If only someone would figure this out - if you know about any studies on these issues, please let me know in the comments, as I'd like to read them for my own edification (and, you know me, I'm already planning my infertility treatments for future patients).

To work or not to work?

2009-06-19T08:23:00.003-04:00

That is the question of the hour. It's 8.23am. I have not exercised, not showered, not dressed. Not gone to work. I am debating going to work. Endlessly it seems.

Yesterday, I skipped my first school class. I started feeling very flu-ish, and thought I might be prone to throwing up as I was feeling distinctly nauseous. I'd already had a bout of diarrhea seemingly out of the blue before leaving home, and didn't like the thought of having to make a mad dash for the school bathrooms. My head felt hot, my throat was sore, and I started coughing and sniffling. There's been something going around school. So I left after my first class, and skipped the second.

I got home, and took my temperature, convinced it would say 101 or something and that I'd have the swine flu. Nope, totally normal. No flu even though my forehead felt hot. Nevertheless, I went to bed at 8pm feeling fairly miserable.

And this morning? I'm mostly fine. A tiny bit achy, a tiny bit sniffly. A tiny bit raw around the lungs. The tiniest of headaches. How can you have a 12-hour flu? You can't, I think. So it was not flu. In normal times, I would not hesitate at popping a few pharmaceuticals and heading in to work. But now, I don't know. I know it would be the safe thing to stay home, just in case. I mean, even if this is just a run-of-the-mill virus, I am a person who prides herself on having a cast-iron immune system. What if someone else would actually get sick from this? Then I'd feel guilty.

[And yes, Stephanie if you're reading, I did think "that the lawd that I didn't go to see the babies and give this to them." I guess there really are no coincidences in life. I didn't go because it just didn't work out timing-wise. But did it not work out timing-wise because I was already incubating a virus?]

8.32am. Still thinking.

I gots da hot hands

2009-06-12T11:18:00.002-04:00

One of the things I have been doing since starting school is qi gong. If you don't know it, it's like tai chi - well, one of our professors says that tai chi is a form of qi gong. I did it sporadically last semester, but this semester I committed to doing it every single day, because we were told that to really reap the benefits you need to do it for 100 days (the Chinese are big on this 100 days thing - take herbs for 100 days, do qi gong for 100 days, do anything for 100 days). I just spend 5 minutes a day on 8 simple, slow exercises.

And I have to say, there's something about the consistency of doing something every single day that really brings about changes. Not just physical changes, but mental changes too. Yes, there are days when even 5 minutes seems like a monumental chore. I just don't want to do it. I'm too tired. Too busy. Too...too. But I make myself, and that's a good feeling in and of itself. Knowing that I can follow through with a commitment and stick to it is reassuring.

So, first, I noticed that my breathing really slowed down fairly quickly into the exercises. It relaxed me. I have been feeling calmer and more centered. I can't say I noticed any big flow of qi (energy) or anything, and nothing magical had happened. But I stuck with it. It's now been about 6 weeks I think that I've done it every day. Still a ways to go to get to 100.

This week, however, I've noticed something else. My hands. They are hot. Constantly. A few years ago, they used to often be blocks of ice, but I have gradually improved my circulation and energy, and for the last year or two I'd say that they were "normal" temperature - cold when it was cold, not cold when it was warm. But some of my professors have these super hot hands, especially this one new teacher that we have. He has these amazing hands (I am kind of in love with his hands, I think) - they are super flexible, and strong, and like little furnaces on the ends of his arms. When he touches me to demonstrate some acpuncture technique or something, it's like I just feel warmth and healing radiating from his hands. Wowzer. I was a bit in awe of the hot hands. It's like there's this huge reservoir of energy in his body ready to jump out and heal people. And now, thanks entirely to the qi gong I am pretty sure, my hands are hot too! Awesome. The qi it is a-flowing. My handies are not as hot as the prof's, of course, but then he's been doing qi gong for decades. It sometimes surprises me - to feel my hands being hot, it's such a new sensation! I am excited, and hope that this will continue and that I'll really be able to use it to improve my acupuncturing.

One of my fellow students was doing some acu point location on me the other day, and I noticed that her hands were cold clammy pieces of fish. Heh. She doesn't do qi gong. It makes me want to give a public service announcement - make sure your acu has da hot hands! Otherwise you might not be getting their qi with your needles to reinforce your own.

Baby Time

2009-06-05T14:25:00.003-04:00

My dear infertilibuddy Stephanie had twins a little over two weeks ago. I popped in briefly to the hospital but I only got to see little J. as N. was in the NICU. I mean, they were healthy 37 weekers, but one had aspirated fluids. Or something. I don't think I was quite listening at the time. They are both fine and home now though.

Yesterday morning, I got some baby time as I went round to Stephanie's house to get me some snuggles. Err, I mean, to help Stephanie out tremendously with all my expert baby wrangling techniques so she could get a shower. Ahem. No ulterior motive on my part at all... But ohmygosh, they are precious. And little. And did I mention precious? And so little. One forgets how that newborn stage is, so delicate and fit-in-the-palm-of-your-hand foldable with balled up little legs and arms. And they smell so pure and new babyish. It quite brought a smile to my heart.

Of course, this time last year, or two years ago, or three years ago...wait, any time in the last 5 years or so, I could not have done this without some crying or raging at the universe for not letting me have mine. Actually, I could not have done it at all. But now I really am over all that. It still amazes me sometimes how peaceful I can be. How I can appreciate someone else's cute babies without any pangs of jealousy. I mean, I still work on an ongoing basis at expanding my heart and being more peaceful in general, so it's not like I don't do anything, but the basic switch from angst to acceptance was pretty much a one day thing - my spiritual conversion moment, I suppose you could say. It was still a test for me to be left alone (albeit briefly) with babies but I'm still so awed and grateful that I was able to pass that test to my own satisfaction, and just find the joy in precious new little humans. Ahhhh.

Crazy thoughts

2009-05-29T13:52:00.002-04:00

Oh, the flights of fancy one's mind conjures up while in the shower.

I've been trying out some new Chinese herbs lately. And dang, they've made me feel perky and healthy, and full of vim and vigor. And you know where this is going, right? I keep thinking that I bet my ovaries are also perky and full of life. And therefore, full of good eggs. Or, at least one good egg.

And so this morning I was mulling over how next month it'll be a year since my last IVF, and how I was supposed to be getting a boyfriend, but have failed at that so far (although I haven't given up hope). And that it'd be really nice to be trying to conceive the old fashioned way before my eggs get far too ancient even for me to kid myself that there's any life left in them. So then I mulled over getting someone to donate, but it's so hard to ask people that. So then I thought about going to an RE and asking if they'd do some IUI's for me - after all, it wouldn't go on their stats like an IVF would. But I thought, nah, that'd never work. So, yes, my mind went.....there. What, I thought, what if I went back to Big NY Clinic and did another IVF? I bet they'd still treat me - they treat women up to the age of 45. I have a 2.5 week break in August. I could travel to NY, shoot myself up with some drugs, and bingo! The new healthy me would produce some awesome eggs and I'd get knocked up before I hit my next birthday.

But don't worry, Anonymous, I said it myself: What, are you CRAZY????

It's not going to happen. I don't have the money. It's a ridonkulous idea.

But I really must try harder on that "finding a boyfriend" thing...clearly my mind is never going to rest until something happens.

Memorial

2009-05-26T15:17:00.002-04:00

As always, it comes back to infertility. It shouldn't. It won't, at some point, because I will find other ways of looking at the world, but for right now, I reference everything through the same lens.

I was watching a PBS show yesterday about American war cemeteries overseas. It made me cry. Which is as it should be. One should spend some time on Memorial day thinking about those who gave their lives for us.

But it also made me feel guilty. Here I am, with so many choices open to me. OK, so I was not so lucky in love and ended up trying to conceive on my own and it didn't work. But wow, what choices are those - first not to be forced into an arranged marriage with someone I didn't even know, second to have any option outside spinsterhood or the church if marriage was not on the cards, and third to have the option to bear a child out of wedlock and not have it be a terrible sin. Wow. Then, here I am, earning my living, making my own way in the world. I own property, I have leisure time, I have a life expectancy longer than 39. I can go to school and have an education. I live in a free country. And finally, I have not been drafted off into the hellish nightmare of a war. And have not been maimed or killed. So what if my genes are not going forward into the future? Should it really matter so much? At least I am alive and free and healthy. I can still leave a legacy in the world by making at least one person's life better. It makes me think about all the hundreds of thousands, nay millions, of people whose genes also did not make it into the future, but because of war or conquest or famine or natural disasters or atrocities or even just plain old car crashes. I should wallow less, and feel grateful more. At least I'm still here.

Therefore, thank you, to the people who gave your lives so that I may have freedom. Thank you for laying down your lives so that I may live mine by making my own choices, even if those choices don't always work out. At least I am, and I was, able to try.

Morning coffee

2009-05-20T09:57:00.005-04:00

It was almost like being in New York today. Almost.

I don't know about you, but where I work and live, it doesn't feel like I'm in a real city. I'm a city girl at heart, so it pains me that while parts of my (small-ish) city are vaguely city-ish, the area immediately around my place of employment was until recently full of 1960's-1980's era high rises (well, actually small to mid rises because, let's fact it, it ain't New York). With parking garages. Interspersed with run down old car dealers or empty lots. So it's like each building was an island surrounded by a great forbidding moat of wasteland or a parking garage, and is not exactly pedestrian friendly, to say the least. And let's not even mention the unbearable heat and humidity in summer. But let's face it, people have a tendency to drive absolutely everywhere in this town.

But my city saw the light in the 1990's and imposed new codes which required pedestrian friendliness, and sidewalks, and shade trees, and mixed use, and internal/hidden parking, and street level retail space. And some areas slooowly started to come back to life a bit. But not the area right around where I work. Except for when the heady building boom of the last few years hit, and they suddenly started to fill in some vacant lots and knock down a few underperforming buildings, and....presto! There are fancy new places with fancy sidewalks and retail space.

The problem is, the retail space is mostly empty. No great revival has come, because of course the recession hit just as these buildings were being finished up. Oh sure, some of the fancy condos got sold, and some people are living in them, but there are swathes of empty, vacant windows staring out into the world.

But right across the street from my building they put in a hotel. A hotel! And it opened a couple of months ago. And we all said "but who's going to want to stay there? It's not on the beach, it's not by the shops, it's not a fancy resort or upscale business establishment, it's not right downtown near the little nightlife that there is around here." But lo and behold, I guess it is priced right or something, but there has been a steady and growing trickle of guests. And I also heard this week that they have a Starbucks kiosk in there. It's not a real Starbucks, you understand, just one of those mini "We proudly brew Starbucks" arrangements. But I was all excited. Gosh, I mean, a Starbucks right next door. I almost did a little dance.

So, even though I shouldn't, and didn't I just post about getting healthier (but, hey, it's all about balance, people - I won't do it every day), this morning I walked across the street to get a Starbucks on my way into work. I stopped in, dealt with the inept receptionist who actually forgot she was supposed to be brewing me a latte half way through and walked off to clean up the breakfast area. But once I'd got her back, finally got my beverage and walked out with my distinctive paper cup and sleeve, I felt all grown-up and citified walking the half block back to the building entrance.

It's the little things in life that please me these days...

Does acupuncture really help infertility?

2009-05-15T09:42:00.003-04:00

OK, so I didn't ask for any opinions on the effectiveness of acupuncture for infertility, but seeing as I got them, I thought I'd give my views. And yes, Anonymous, I know you snuck a comment in there, but seeing as it was just a study that most of us know about anyway, I let it stand.

Now, bear in mind, that these thoughts have been formed after much infertility, but not much acupuncture school (yet). I will probably revise my thoughts as I learn more.

Right, that's that out of the way.

I do think acupuncture can be very helpful. But I don't think that acupuncture performs well in the context of the studies that have been undertaken, and when used short-term as the studies tend to do. I also wonder some times whether Randine Lewis' The Infertility Cure didn't do some harm as well as good - for example, she talks about flooding the ovaries with energy during the follicular phase. Which is all well and good if your body has energy to spare in the first place. However, if your issue is that you don't have enough energy, where is this extra going to come from? It's like we've got into this Western medicine mindset that a quick fix can be achieved. I mean, yes, she stresses a lot that it's not short term, but we all tend to take segments out of books and focus on those component parts without really taking in the whole teaching.

To my mind, infertility is caused at the end of a long chain of events (ignoring blocked tubes caused by an infection, say). We don't eat well, or we don't exercise enough, or we weigh too much or too little, or we are under stress, or we are getting older. Or, let's put it another way, we are just living in this stressful, difficult time on earth. Our bodies will fight hard to keep the important functions performing well - our hearts will beat, our lungs will work, our stomachs will digest food. But if something is a little off, it'll draw on some resources from systems that are not essential to survival - maybe our skin starts to look a little tired. Maybe our hair starts to go grey. Maybe our thyroid starts to have trouble. Maybe we start getting digestive issues. Maybe we find ourselves not sleeping well, stressing. Maybe our ovaries start to run out of steam. Reproduction is an energy-intensive business, and especially the female system is extremely delicately balanced. But let's face it, it's not that important in our bodies' orders of priority, so it may go into decline before the rest of us.

So, can we fix things by shooting some drugs in? Sure, some of the time we can. Sometimes it doesn't work quite so well, though. Can we fix things by doing some acupuncture for the 2-week period before an egg retrieval? Well, maybe sometimes, but most of the time, it is not enough time, and it's not specific enough. If my problem is that my digestion is off because I haven't eaten enough protein and have had too much sugar and not enough exercise for the last 20 years, and this means I am lacking in energy, will 2 weeks worth of acu fix it? No. Similarly, if your problem is that you are a stockbroker/lawyer/tax accountant who is also marathon runner and arguing with your husband and you are so stressed out that you are not ovulating at all any more, can you be fixed with 2 weeks worth of acu? And, more importantly, will using the same acupuncture points on both of us work equally well for both of us? No, and no.

The studies use particular points in particular combinations for particular periods of time. That's like using one cholesterol medication for a short period of time to see if it is effective on every cardiovascular problem - when some of the problems may be due to high blood pressure, or high blood sugar, and not high cholesterol. The cholesterol medication may work for some people, but perhaps others needed a different drug, or needed to be on it for a longer period of time. Or maybe they just needed to go on vacation and de-stress. Likewise with acupuncture. While there are a fairly large number of points that are useful for "infertility," each point can have a slightly different effect. If it is on the spleen channel, maybe it helps with infertility that is related to poor digestion/diet (because in Chinese medicine, the spleen is related to digestion). If it is on the liver channel, maybe it helps with infertility that is related to stress. One size does not fit all.

It seems that infertility acupuncture has got away from its basics. Acupuncture is very good for chronic health problems, and pain. Infertility is mostly a chronic health problem, and needs to be treated using a very individualized approach on a long term basis, to build up the patient's energy reserves or whatever they need. And if that means not using points for infertility, or ignoring the infertility aspect for a while to just bring the patient's health into balance while letting the body deal with the ovaries in its own way, then that's what should be done. So that when the patient gets to an IVF cycle, their own body is more prepared to do what it needs to do to respond to the medications.

And, the patient needs to be involved - they need to be given clear help with food intake, exercise and stress management. Because I think these are key with infertility. We patients don't like to admit it, but it's our own lifestyles that are big contributors. But it's no good to just throw suggestions out there in a random fashion - people need to be sat down and really taken through all this. And, importantly, acupuncturists need to be flexible and keep looking for answers and ways to help the patient. My first acupuncturist told me to eat meat. I said no. We reached an impasse and got no further. Actually, there are plenty of vegetarian foods he could have suggested that would have helped me - not as quickly as me tucking into a steak, admittedly. But I would have slowly got somewhere if I had known how important it was for me to limit sugar and fat, and increase protein, and pay attention to whether foods are "warming" or "cooling" and the like. Likewise, telling someone to give up coffee when that is what they love and what gets them through the morning isn't going to go down well - perhaps the acupuncturist can work with the patient and say, OK, it's either give up coffee, OR cut down on the coffee but also give up ice cream and chocolate and do some meditation in the evening - in other words, work with them to find out what they really don't want to change and offer alternatives. It's got to be something that the patient can actually do. Books like The Infertility Cure offer plenty of diet suggestions, but they are so confusing, especially when it's not clear what your problem really is, and you are trying to incorporate two or three different patterns like spleen qi deficiency and liver blood deficiency - if one list of foods says "eat black beans" and the other says "don't eat black beans" what is a patient to do?

Now, I know that many acupuncturists don't want to offer diet and lifestyle suggestions until the patient is an established patient and trusts the acupuncturist. You don't want to scare someone off at their first visit by telling them to do and change too much. But I also think that there's scope with some of the more chronic problems (and infertility is just one of them) to sit with the patient at the first visit, and spell out that it'll take a number of sessions to help, and that it's going to be a partnership, both the patient and the acupuncturist working together and making changes to the body. And to say, if it's not working (or not working fast enough), let's keep talking and making adjustments until we get it right. I think I would have appreciated that - after all, to know that there is a plan in place and to know that it might take a few weeks to see changes are both helpful, and help you to keep hope alive that things will improve.

Remembering failures

2009-05-12T16:18:00.003-04:00

My school is running a big infertility seminar. Which you would think would please me, but sadly, no, it does not. First of all, various people have been going around smugly saying how much acupuncture helps with infertility. Which it DOES, don't get me wrong. But they are implying that it is the answer to everything for everyone, which it is not. And when I say meekly "but it doesn't help everyone" I am usually met with a blank stare, or some tale of how someone somewhere got pregnant after acupuncture treatment. Uh huh. Ye-es. But you don't know if that person would have gotten pregnant anyway, even without treatment, and how much of any gain was actually caused by the treatment.

And then the annoying guy in my class is of course friends with one of the RE's from the big local practice (where I went, and was a patient of the senior RE before he fired me for being too, well, infertile). So the annoying guy is being insufferable about how amazing his friend is and how open he is to acupuncture, and that they are making these huge gains, and blah blah blah.

Oh god, it is going to be tough over the next few weeks leading up to this thing. It's like the whole school is buzzing about infertility and it is reopening some old wounds. But none of the people who are spouting off as experts are really thinking things through. Since going to school, I have realized that one of the people I went to (who sells himself as an infertility "guru") basically just used every single acupuncture point that was ever related to infertility. Rii-ight. And I'm sure it worked for a lot of women, but then again, there are many reasons WHY women become infertile, and one should presumably treat those reasons differently. A more targeted treatment may have been better for the harder cases like me, rather than using a scattergun approach. It seems to me like most of the acupuncturists only remember their successes, and don't think hard enough about their failures. They don't continue trying to find out the reasons for infertility. They don't keep trying to change the treatment, they don't keep refining. They don't know WHY it doesn't work for everyone. They don't remember that the failures gradually drift away and try something else. When they should dagnabbit.

If they were being rigorous about wanting this stuff to work, they would be researching more. Asking WHY more. But many, sadly I think, have some successes and rest on their laurels. And THAT'S what's annoying me. It's like like anyone who remains barren after acupuncture must be somehow wilfully barren, or something. Not like perhaps the practitioners could be at fault.

Dread

2009-05-04T12:31:00.002-04:00

I am dreading school, which starts again this week.

Well, I should rephrase. I am not dreading school per se. I am dreading the driving to and fro, the studying, the time involved, and most of all, giving up my Saturdays and any free time. It is so hard to just be able to function during term time, and I have to live a very regimented life in order to be able to do it.

Oh well, at least I do get a 2-week break every now and then. I suppose if I'd been successful in having a kid I wouldn't get any breaks at all. I suppose that is a silver lining. Maybe.

Fail

2009-05-03T22:40:00.005-04:00

UB40 were actually a lot of fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching them and dancing and singing along, but I failed at:

a) Operating my cameraphone with any degree of success.

b) Stopping my tenant from driving drunk even though I offered to drive her and her even drunker friend anywhere they wanted several times, and asked several times if she was SURE she was OK to drive, and admonishing them to be safe, and offering AGAIN to drive them. What is one to do when you're not close enough to demand that they do not drive? I suppose I should have demanded anyway. Like I said, fail. I feel like a shit for it.

c) Remembering to take hand sanitizer, so had to use porta-potties and probably get all sorts of germs when swine flu has been confirmed in the next county, allegedly. Not to mention wearing long jeans that drag on the floor through urine even though I was trying to hold them up.

d) Flirting with anybody. Tenant managed this, successfully it seems. In fact, she was even flirting in the porta-potty line.

e) Stopping myself from planning IUI's in my dreams during today's afternoon nap after berating myself at my failure over flirting. No, I DON'T want to sign up for more IUI's. But clearly I have a one-track mind, and I wish I could relax over this once and for all.

f) Feeling like an old fart for wanting to go home after the band and not wanting to go on elsewhere. Likewise with not wanting to have any more than 2 drinks when driving. Time was I used to be able to go out and enjoy myself and not worry about drinking or hand sanitizer.

Back to school this week, and I have also failed at doing any studying while on break. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Red, red wine...

2009-05-01T16:22:00.002-04:00

I am feeling quite proud of myself.

This week I:
a) hired a pool boy. OK, it's a pool old man. But he is going to keep my pool in tip-top shape so that's one less job for me to do and means I can swim all summer. Yay! No more scooping leaves out of the darn thing.
b) discovered Pandora for my Blackberry. Free cool music!
c) cleaned a bit. I made a good dent in the cleaning work, though it isn't finished yet.
d) finally got on the scale after weeks of bingeing. I'm only up 3.5 lbs so that's nowhere near as bad as I thought.
e) went out to dinner with my friend P. We went to "the island" that is near where I live. Where all the rich people hang out. It was fun, but full of super-wealthy types. And us.
f) went out to dinner with my tenant A. Also fun. And we made plans to -

g) go out to a music festival on Saturday afternoon/evening with some of A's friends and see UB40.

Social life! And yes, there was wine drunk. And there may be dancing, when my life's theme song comes on.

Did I?

2009-04-26T13:59:00.005-04:00

Did I call someone to arrange a Saturday night out? No, I did not. I stayed in with a bottle of wine and a DVD. But somehow I didn't feel quite so lame as I did on Friday. I did make it a mission to arrange at least two outings this week though, before school starts again. And preferably 3 or even 4. Ha, maybe not 4. Maybe that's a bit too much.

Anyway, I will go out at least once because I have quasi-arranged something with my quasi-roommate, who is finishing her semester at college on Monday. We'd already said that we'd go out for a meal sometime next week to catch up. We don't usually see one another because she lives in my guest cottage, which is a separate building in my garden, and we are both out of the house a lot, so we are usually like ships passing in the night. So there's that. And I will talk to some other people about arranging something.

I went to my last qi gong class today with my cute (but sadly, married) professor. I felt really good that I was the only person that has gone to all of the classes and I felt that he respected my commitment to the class. I have made a commitment to myself to practice what he taught us for at least 100 days in a row, as he says that's how long you should give it and when you really start seeing results. I am already seeing results though. For those that don't know, qi gong is a Chinese exercise practice. It is very slow and meditative - tai ji (tai chi) is a form of qi gong. Anyway, when we first started learning it, I didn't feel like it was doing anything for me. It is not strenuous, so you start wondering why you are doing it at all as it doesn't seem hard enough to be real exercise. But now I find my body really starts relaxing and de-stressing by about half way through. I get very focussed. It's pretty cool.

Then I spent some time doing some pand-emic fl'u preparations. Yes, I'm probably crazy. I hope we will not be getting into that. But hurricane season is about 6 weeks away (gack, so soon) so I need to stock up on non-perishable food items at some point anyway. I checked out the cupboards yesterday and realized that I could survive for a few months if I was shut up in the house avoiding germs on the amount of dried grains and legumes that I have, but that I would run out of vegetables, toilet paper and cat food pretty quickly. At the end, I could be living on dried mung beans, and amaranth (weird-tasting grain that I tried once and never had again), possibly flavored only with cinnamon or cumin. You know, the dregs of the store cupboard. Or I could be living on a steady diet of coconut, which is the only edible thing that grows in my yard. So I stocked up. I now have a nice assortment of cans (but only from one company - Eden Organics - that I recall doesn't use BPA in its can linings except I think for the tomatoes), frozen veggies, and even dried seaweed, dried vegetables and dried fruit. I have jars of sauerkraut, roasted peppers, olives, and tapenade. I have apple sauce. I have toilet tissue and hand sanitizer.

It makes me happy to have a well stocked house. I guess I'm just a survivalist homebody at heart. There are some things I forgot (cat food!) but plenty of time this week to get some. In-between the socializing, of course.

All the lonely people...

2009-04-25T10:28:00.002-04:00

I realized yesterday just how very alone I am in the world. First there was my natural shyness/laziness. I am not gregarious enough to collect a large bunch of friends. I have been a hanger-on at various times to large bunches, but I was never the anchor of the group, always an outlier. I have never been brave enough to assume that other people don't already have fabulous plans and would actually welcome a call from me seeing if they want to go out, so I have never been one to call on the spur of the moment and arrange something. Then there was moving around - each time you move to a different city or country, you essentially throw away those friends and start from nothing again. Oh sure, you promise faithfully to keep up with certain people by phone and email, and you do for a time. But at some point it settles into occasionality.

Then there is my job, which has always had me working more hours than I would like. Friends started getting married and stopped going out with the single girls. Then came infertility. As I tried to do things like cutting down on drinking, it was hard to keep going out with the friends where drinking defined our relationship. If I had an IUI at 8am the next day and had to get up early, it became easier to say "no" to a social event. As the depression and bitterness grew, and the demands of treatment increased, I withdrew more into my shell. As I started coming out of my shell, I signed up for school almost immediately. So now there has been studying that needed to be done, nights at school, and other nights of just plain exhaustion. There has been very little socializing going on.

So here I am on spring break. I said to myself that this week I'd get out and about more. And I finished up work at 7.30 last night and suddenly realized that I'd quite like to go out, maybe have some wine, let my hair down. Except that all my work buddies had already left for the evening so I couldn't see if someone wanted to go to happy hour. Did I call anyone? No. I was too chicken. I might have gone to Barnes & Noble and mooched around, but I did that on Thursday night. I thought I might try the library, but it was closed. Going to the movies briefly crossed my mind, but I am not brave enough to do that on my own on a Friday night - a Tuesday, maybe, when it seems more socially acceptable to have no friends, but not a Friday. I thought again of calling someone and again felt like I'd just be intruding on whatever fun they were already having.

So I went home, lonely, berating myself for being pathetic. How did I let it get to this? It is truly lame of me. Of course, I am sure that I could have called a few people and found someone to go out with, but I have this ridiculous thought that I don't want to intrude. And they don't think of asking me any more, because they got so used to hearing "no" that they stopped asking. Sigh.

I must get up some courage tonight. I must DO something. With somebody, preferably.

Exhaling

2009-04-21T07:14:00.002-04:00

I have time to breathe right now. Finals were last week, and I have two weeks off school. Unfortunately, I have some studying to do on break, but I think I will leave that until next week.

We also moved at work, so my whole department (much smaller than it was) is now together in one area. My boss has been constantly whining that the space is not as good for him, although I love it. I think it's much better for the rest of us even if it isn't entirely ideal for him. I have a lovely, bright office with an awesome desk (sorry to get excited over a desk, but I've had crap ever since I have worked there, and FINALLY have some nice furniture). And I no longer look directly out at the parking garage - my office was so dark and hemmed in before. It feels like the craziness is finally behind us, and we can get on with things. In fact, our big move in day, which was yesterday, was 3 months to the day from the announcement of the craziness beginning. I think that's more than enough time to waste.

Does this mean that I will go back to writing witty and insightful posts? Well, probably not. I don't have much to say on the whole conception business these days. I was brought back to it a little by filing my taxes - mostly annoyance at just how much money I forked over, but it dissipated once I'd finished with the form.

But there you are, that's what's up with me. I'm still marveling at having ta-tas. Still waiting for Buddha to find me a boyfriend, though I am planning to get out and about more during spring break so I can perhaps meet more people. Still barren. Still the same old same old. But now with a few extra hours a day. Temporarily.

Boobage

2009-04-13T10:45:00.008-04:00

Can we talk boobs?

So, you know how you always hear that statistic that something like 80% of women are in the wrong sized bras? Yeah, I heard that, and scoffed. Not me! Not me, I thought, smugly. I don't have quadra-boob. I have the size correct.

And yet, I was reading a NY Times article on Sunday about bra sizes, and something finally clicked. What it said was that as you go down a strap size, the cup size width gets smaller. So as bands are so stretchy these days, a woman wearing a 36A might equally fit a 34B or a 32C.

Huh. Thought I. I have been wearing a 36A for years. I knew as I gained weight over the last few years that the band size was wrong, but honestly, you try looking for 38A's. They're pretty near impossible to find. I figured that was just my curse - to gain in back fat but not boobage. So I just let them stretch out a bit, and that was that. I figured I had the wide but flat boob thing going on. As I've been losing weight, I've moved from the outermost hook to either the innermost hook on the really stretched out older bras or the middle hook on the not-so-stretched ones. I thought, hey, maybe I could possibly go to a 34B and start feeling like I actually have some boobs. Maybe this will help my self-confidence in the dating area.

Now, I must say here that there were a few other things percolating in my head. For a start, the other size A's that I know are a lot smaller than me. A lot. I knew that, and yet it didn't register. Second, I have always found underwired bras to be excruciatingly uncomfortable. I mean, like torture. Especially at the sides. I couldn't understand how the rest of you could wear the darn things. And yet it still didn't click.

You know what's coming, right? I got home, looked up bra sizing on the internet, got out my measuring tape, and I took a good hard look at myself in my bra. Not only have I been in the wrong sized bra, I have been in the spectacularly wrong sized bra. In fact, I told this story to two friends at work who both burst out laughing at the suggestion that I could have ever thought I was an A cup. There was some ridicule going on for a while there at the disconnect between my supposedly-intelligent brain and how utterly utterly idiotic I was being. I don't know how I didn't see it, but I guess I was blind. I guess I thought you should jut out more to the front or something. Maybe I would if I was actually in the correct damn bra.

I shouldn't be a 36A. Or even a 36B. Or yet a 36C. According to my measurements* I should be in either (my band size was in the middle of two, so I need to try some on)....a 36D or 38C. Bwahahaha. No wonder the underwired bras were torture!

Oh my god. Why didn't I see it until I really looked? My poor boobs were squashed out into my underarms, I had the shoulder straps so loose so that the cups could basically just hang down underneath and not give me any actual support. When I pull the shoulder straps tighter and pull the boobs in from my armpits, you bet I have quadra-boob. My boobs are falling over the top of my bra so much it is ridiculous. It was actually hard to get dressed this morning once I realized the extent of the problem and I was fishing around for bras that weren't too bad.

I have been blind. And an idiot. I am going for a bra fitting as soon as I can!

*Update #1: Ever one to take the bull by the horns, I went at lunchtime to VS. Once I realized the extent of the problem, I was just uncomfortable sitting here in my old bra! So, the girl that measured me decided I was a 38B or a 36C. I'd got the size difference wrong between the two measurements so I was a cup size too high. I tried both sizes on in a variety of styles, and the 36C was the winner. I bought two. Hey, even the underwired ones were comfortable. Who'd a thunk it?

Update #2: I have ta-tas! I have been parading around the house, marveling. OK, so the bra that I got was a bit more padded than I usually buy, but that combined with pushing the girls out to the front, AND the mental aspect of thinking "holy hell, I am wearing a C" has made me feel like I've had a boob job. Without the downtime and expense of surgery. I mean, they're the same boobs. Bigger in the last few years due to weight gain and infertility treatments (I guess I can thank the hormones for something) but they're the same damn size as they were on Friday - I just think they're bigger now. And yet it's this whole weird mental thing going on. I was clearly in denial and had poor boob self-esteem going on. I mean, I used to look at catalog pages with things like swimsuits for C and D sized women and be all "how can they be C and D sized - they're the same size as me?" and it still didn't click. I wonder why I was in boob denial for so long.

Does it matter?

2009-04-12T21:09:00.002-04:00

Does it matter if you make an offering to Buddha and your cat goes and sneakily laps up the water at random moments? Is it sacrilege?

And does it offend Buddha if you tell said cat that she's a bad girl and scold her for drinking Buddha's water? Especially if you may or may not have bopped her on the nose* right in front of Buddha's picture.

I think if I don't get a boyfriend out of this, I am going to blame the cat. Dagnabbit. And I was already planning the wedding. Oh well, maybe Buddha will forgive us if we're lucky.

*not hard, of course.

I made an offering to Buddha

2009-04-10T10:04:00.003-04:00

Well, so, I think I have finally given up ALL thoughts of trying to conceive as an SMC. If I go forward with this motherhood lark on my own, it'll be through adoption. And it won't be until AFTER I graduate.

But, it doesn't stop me being wistful, I admit. And as I am getting healthy I keep wondering if I wouldn't be capable of conceiving if I was able to devote month after month to doing it the old fashioned way. I mean, I really feel that the information I am learning now, along with the healthy eating (most of the time) and the acupuncture treatments, mean that I am getting healthier than I've been in a long time. I wonder if something has changed inside me enough to allow this to work? Also, I do wonder if I had a low libido for a long time. I mean, I wanted a boyfriend/husband. In an abstract sort of a way. But it wasn't a need. I've always enjoyed sex, and have had relationships where I had a higher libido than my boyfriend of the time. But when I'm single it's not like I have to immediately find someone so I can have sex again. But then, time has dragged on. And on. And freakin' on. And I think part of getting healthy again is that I really really want to have some good sex - which makes me think that something was perhaps not working right that I was fairly content to live without it for so long. I mean, obviously, there was a battery operated friend or two involved, but you know, it's not the same.

So. Did I mention the psychic/astrologer consultation I had a while ago? I forget what I talk about these days. One of my classmates is Asian and has a family astrologer (who turns out to be psychic as well) and she offered to set a couple of us up with phone appointments if we wanted them. For the princely sum of $30. For an hour. I mean - who wouldn't? $30 is nothing in the grand scheme of things. So I did it, and among other things, this guy mentioned that I'd have one marriage chance between the ages of 40 and 45, and that to help my love life I should make an offering to Buddha (I should add that he checked first if I was a Christian - I'm sure he wouldn't have said to offer to Buddha if I wasn't already more aligned with Buddhism than anything else). He said I should offer an orchid, 5 apples and 5 cups of water. And I never did anything.

Last week I was talking with another student, who said she was supposed to make an offering to Buddha too, except she has to offer 9 fruits (any fruits, not just apples but they all have to be the same), 9 flowers (any flowers, not just orchids, but again, all the same type), and 9 cups of water. Hmmm. Interesting how it is different from mine. But it reminded me that I hadn't made my offering. I'd also read my horoscope online lately, which said that the full moon on April 9th was an excellent influence on romance for me. So I decided to combine the two, and make my offering at the full moon.

I should say, that I've no idea how to make an offering to Buddha. But that's never stopped me before. So I set up a little altar, and I put a little statue of Buddha on it that I already had, along with a picture of a Buddha statue that I have. I added Kuan Yin and Jizo as well, just for luck. And some incense, and my orchid and apples that I bought on the way home from school, and water. And I asked Buddha to help me find a nice boyfriend for some good sex, companionship, interesting conversation, a long term relationship - maybe a marriage, and to conceive a baby with if that was at all possible. I have set the intention out there and sent it to the universe. Oh, and I asked Buddha to forgive me if I did the offering wrong!

We shall see.

Muse. Bullet. Points.

2009-03-29T18:01:00.003-04:00

Yes, yes, I'm still here. Still haven't quite managed to pull the plug.

I have been having many thoughts about motherhood and the like. More often than not I think "what a lot of work and effort all that stuff is" and think maybe I'll just be child-free forever. And downsize my life and live in a tiny apartment in the best part of Montreal. Or New York. Or Paris. Or Buenos Aires. Or...I don't know, anywhere chic and urban. Things I couldn't do with a kid in tow. I imagine being a funky, cool old lady, not of the cat-crazy variety. With a miniscule wardrobe (that perfectly fits my size six frame - because of course I will be chic and thin) but which is all impeccably made of the finest materials by the finest designers. That I wear to the library. Or shopping to the market, where I will buy fresh flowers, no, fresh orchids, every week. And to my yoga class where I will wow the youngsters with my lotus pose. Sorry, I digress.

Then I think about the steps that turn us into an adult - marriage and children are the big two. I wonder if I never have either of those, if I'll ever be fully recognized as a real adult by certain sections of society. You know the type, the "you'll know what I mean when you have kids" type, whose every pronouncement is accompanied by a knowing look to the other parents in the room. But then again, there are other avenues into adulthood - the big birthdays, the buying of your first home, the responsibilities of bill paying. My family treats me like an adult because I act like one, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, and by the time I'm 70 and living my impossibly cool life nobody else's opinion will matter, after all. And then sometimes I think that I'm getting too old to be looking after a baby, and maybe I'd better just adopt a toddler or something. After I've graduated, of course, and actually have some time to spare. But just so I can skip all that inconvenient baby stage stuff. [And please, don't wander over here and think that I'd better not be a parent after all because I am not interested in the baby stage - you should know that after years of heartbreaking infertility treatment I'd probably kill to get to experience the baby stage. I'm trying to think of the positives, here, of missing out, all right?]

How does one go about forging a life for oneself when so many thoughts take me around and around about child rearing or child bearing, and missing out? I take a step forwards and a step backwards all the time - it is like a dance. I make one decision and then change my mind completely and decide that another is the right way forward. I recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "five birds are sitting on a wire. Four birds decide to fly off - how many are left? Five, because deciding and doing are not the same thing." Or words to that effect. It definitely resonated with me, I can tell you.

Anyway, some bullet points from the rest of my life recently:

I have solar panels! Woot! 2kW of sun-powered goodness is now juicing up my house.
I have lost a total of 18 pounds. So far.
If you suffer from migraines, give up dairy, coffee and artificial sweeteners if you consume any to excess. Says one of the professors. Oh, and do yoga.
I seem to have developed a small crush on one of the profs. He has mentioned a wife. It won't go anywhere. But still. It is a nice day dream.
If you are overweight, try to always leave yourself just a little bit hungry. If you also tend to being cold and having loose poop (yes really, acupuncturists talk poop a lot) eat ginger, garlic, sweet potatoes, tofu (and some meats but I can't remember which because I didn't pay attention at that point). Ditch the processed carbs and too much sugar. Do strength training (ye-ess, still not so hot on my strength training, but I will get around to it at some point).
They mentioned that two students per year from my school win a scholarship from the Chinese Government to go and study in China. For a year. You know I want to be one of them.
I planted some plants today so my yard is less embarrassingly dead. I hope I won't kill them.
The Craziness at work is not. yet. over. It's been over 2 months already, and I am tired. But to reveal some details - 13 people left, 1 was fired, 2 were laid off, and 1 or 2 more may be laid off still. Everyone else is moving (same building, just squishing up together to stop having so much dead space between those of us that remain). Sigh. But the good thing is that everybody I could have wanted to go is gone. I think it'll be a nicer place to work when the dust settles.

Rest and recuperation

2009-03-23T20:25:00.002-04:00

It isn't until you are stretched to your limit that you suddenly realize the real virtue of rest and relaxation. And, basically, I haven't had any for weeks until the last couple of days. I managed to rest a little bit on Sunday, and then today I "worked" at home while some workmen were here. I did a little work, a little study, and a little lazing around. And I feel like I can suddenly think again, and maybe feel somewhat normal. Although I still think I could sleep for a week. And I only managed this by going in to work at 6pm on Saturday night, and by getting up at 5am this morning to clean. Yes indeed. Such is my life.

Except that it all starts again tomorrow and I will go back to crushing exhaustion until Spring Break which doesn't start until April 18th.

So, I'm sorry I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. Or emailing. Or updating here. Or cleaning my house. Or getting my hair cut. Or doing any number of things that I should do. And I've even been having thoughts about shuttering this blog and saying farewell on the basis that my ramblings are of no interest at all to anyone interested in infertility or single motherhood by choice. It's nothing personal, you understand. Just 32+ hours of work + 24 hours of school + 10 hours of driving + 4+ hours of exercise + 5+ hours of studying + laundry + food shopping + cooking + eating + minimal cleaning + god knows what else = exhaustion.

But strangely, I'm having fun. I can do it, provided that I can catch a mental health day every now and then.

Perfection or bust

2009-03-15T11:15:00.002-04:00

One thing I've noticed on this dieting lark is that so many people are paralyzed about losing weight because they think they have to be perfect or it just won't work. Like, you have to be fasting, only eating grapes or only having 937 calories a day, or you won't get anywhere. All not true. It's actually easy to lose weight, I have found.

Use an online calculator, and calculate the calories you'd need to take in to MAINTAIN at your goal weight (making sure to calculate your basal metabolic rate and then work upwards using your activity level according to the Harris Benedict Equation), and voila. Eat a range around that, and you'll get there eventually. Don't underestimate your activity level to lose weight faster as that just defeats the object. [If you're very overweight and this works out as more than 1000 calories less than you would need to maintain at your current weight, don't drop so low so quickly - work down from where you are.] You'll be able to eat a reasonable amount of food, including treats, and it'll train you to get out of the "diet" mentality - as you'll already be eating the right amount of calories for you, for maintenance for the next decade or so, so there's no "finishing" the diet and getting back to "normal" as you'll already been eating at your new normal. Exercise for the health benefits, and because it lets you eat more. Of course, this does require that you track your calorie intake relatively accurately, but there's plenty of online trackers that do that to save all that math.

I tell ya, 1800 calories a day is a LOT more pleasant than 1200.

Anyhoo, it set me off wondering about the rest of life. I certainly have bought into the "perfection or bust" attitude, both in my food intake and in every other area of life. I am trying to let go of that. And of course, as with all things, it brings me back to trying to conceive.

I spent so long trying to live according to "the plan" - grow up, go to college, get a degree, get a fabulous job, travel, go up the career ladder, have some fun, meet the great guy, get married, have two beautiful children, blah blah blah. Of course, for me, that started to go wrong at the "meet the great guy" stage, and then really went to pieces at the "have two beautiful children" stage. I spent so long wallowing in how meaningless life would be if I couldn't have children. Life would not be worth living. I got depressed, and fat. I got angry, and bitter. Perfection or bust.

But after some deep thinking, I finally figured out that I have no control over where my life is going. I can just go with the flow, or I can fight against the current. If my life plan is not to have children, or to adopt, I need to be able to adapt to that and to accept it willingly, with an open heart for whatever adventure life DOES bring me. Basically, this is all a long-ass way of saying that I am dropping the "man in a can plan." I haven't been making any progress on ordering some frozen spermy goodness, because, well, my heart's not in it. What I really want is to meet a real man, and have some great sex, and a lifelong partnership. And if I get so lucky as to find a good egg, all the better. If not, adoption is still on the table. I've been regretting the passage of every month lately, wondering if that was my last good egg, and that shows me that I still haven't really accepted a child-free life. I'm still clinging on to wanting to conceive. I need to let go of that, and open my heart to other opportunities, whatever they may be.

The po-po money game

2009-03-13T09:48:00.005-04:00

You know one thing I hate? Telemarketing calls from the police benevolent fund. Or the sheriff's benevolent fund. Or whichever one happens to be calling. I think it's preying on people's fears that they think they need to keep in "good" with the police, and that if the police call them they'd better listen in case it's something important.

Now, I'm not against police benevolent funds at all. At all. In fact, I've been a grateful recipient of help from them when my mom was in hospital and after she died - they really helped us get back on our feet again, helped my dad change his shifts and figure out what to do with us, etc. I don't know the extent of their help to us, but it sure made a deep impression on my dad, and once we were doing OK again, he was a tireless supporter of theirs, and we did many many fundraising activities all through my teen years. But that's the thing: we were a police family. We helped our own. All the fundraising was done "in-house" as it were, like a union. Once we were OK, we pitched in to repay our debt and to help others. I don't agree with randomly calling members of the public to solicit cash.

So, I get this call this morning, and it's from the police benevolent fund. It's a guy with a VERY strong Indian accent. Which, seeing as I am from the UK which has a huge Indian population, I can understand perfectly well. But I totally got the feeling that he was trying to bamboozle me with the accent AND with the police thing into agreeing to something that I didn't mean to, and it just left me feeling slimed all over. It went something like this:

[Rrrrring]
Me: Hello?
Him: Hello, is this Mrs. Sarah xxxx? I am calling from the xxxx county police benevolent fund and...
Me: I'm not interested in giving any money right now but thanks for calling, buh-b...
Him: Mrs. Sarah, we're not asking for money right now, just a pledge of $15 if I can send you something.
Me: Look, if you want to send me something in the mail, I'll consider it, but I'm not interested in giving any money right now.
Him: Just a pledge of $15.
Me: No. I'm not interested in giving any money right now. Bye bye.
Him: Well, OK, I'll send you something in the mail and you'll consider a pledge? Just $15?
Me: Fine, if you want to send me something. I'll consider it.
Him: Great, so that's a pledge of $15. Someone will call back shortly to verify your address.
Me: I am NOT making a pledge. I'm not giving you anything now. Nobody needs to call me back, because I'm not pledging. You can send me some literature if you want but that's IT.
Him: But you'll consider a pledge of $15, yes?
Me: [Sighs] I'll think about it.
Him: OK, so I'll have someone call to verify your pledge of $15.
Me: NO. THERE IS NO PLEDGE. I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY MONEY. EVER. GOOD-BYE.
[Click]

Asshat.

Perfect attendance?

2009-03-08T19:42:00.003-04:00

When I was a wee lass, I was only allowed to stay home from school if I was actually producing vomit or diarrhea out of my body. Or perhaps obvious red chicken-pox like marks. Or maybe a high fever. There had to be physical evidence, otherwise out the door I went, complaining and whining about feeling sick be damned. Of course, I'm sure it helped in this regard that my mother was a nurse, and my dad was a cop, and they both worked (though my mom didn't work until I was about 7 or 8). I couldn't pull the wool over their eyes by faking illness, and they didn't want to have to stay home and miss work. So that was that. And yes, there were occasions when I got sent home later in the day after I barfed all over the floor, but hey, at least I made the morning classes.

When it came to undergraduate studies, I missed quite a lot. I was a slacker who was relishing my freedom and discovering a love of alcohol and nightclubs, and thus my perfect attendance record went completely out of the window. I ended up with a poor grade, and lifelong shame. It is a regret of mine that I wasted some good opportunities at college just because I wanted to party.

So this time around, I am studying something that I find interesting, that I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be good at what I do, and I want to get good grades. I am also now a responsible adult who turns up to stuff when required. I kind of assumed that others would be the same way, and so I find myself shocked that people miss classes ALL the freakin' time. One of them missed Saturday morning's class because she had a headache (this being a class where you have to have at least 95% attendance to get a passing grade). Others will miss classes and say they weren't well, or their back hurt, or they had stuff going on. And then today, I went to a totally optional, six-week qigong class that one of the teachers is doing. Nobody had to do it, no pressure. One other girl in my class said she'd go. Did she turn up? Nope. I called her and she said she didn't feel like it but she'll probably go next week. OK, I mean, it's optional and all, but when it's an exercise class you kind of need to know the basic moves first so not turning up to the first class seems a big deal to me. Also, I find it disrespectful to the teacher if he is planning for so many to turn up and then half just don't bother. The man is giving up his Sunday morning and you can't be arsed? If you weren't going to be arsed, just don't sign up in the first place! What if he turned someone away because all the places were filled? What if he really needs the extra money?

I mean, seriously, is America full of sissies that get sick all the time or do they just not care? I pretty much don't get sick - I did get that norovirus that was going around last year (or was it the year before), but other than that I don't remember missing work due to being sick in the last 5-10 years (not counting IVFs). Also, do Americans not find it disrespectful to the teachers not to show up in class? Do they think that nothing useful is said in class and that it is easy to catch up with 10 minutes of skimming someone else's notes?

I just don't understand.

I dreamt I was pregnant last night

2009-03-07T18:02:00.002-05:00

And then I woke up, and realized I was snoozing flat on my back with my cat curled up on my tummy.

No big predictive meaning, then. Just kitteh weight pressing on my internal organs. Thanks, kitteh.

Just two things (OK, four actually)

2009-03-04T09:57:00.004-05:00

I admit, I was getting stressed at the weekend about this lifestyle of mine. We had a test at school on Saturday and I didn't do as well as I would have liked, because I hadn't devoted enough time to studying. And at the same time, my house was basically descending into squalor because I hadn't cleaned or tidied up in forever. I was beginning to have mild panic attacks at the thought of somehow squeezing out more time in which to get things done, while at the same time knowing that it's still busy at work and that I couldn't possibly manage it all.

But, I sat down, and really gave things a good think through. First of all, getting up in the morning. I'd been setting my alarm for 6, intending to get up and tackle things, but was not actually getting up. So all I was doing was cutting my sleep short unnecessarily and giving the snooze button a workout. I have reset it for 6.30 to give myself an extra half hour of sleep.

Then on the house squalor front, I decided I'd just have to keep it tidy and clean as I go along. There's no time any more to spend a couple of hours at the weekend making it look presentable. So I came up with a plan to just do two things every morning and evening. I can do two things. Just two things. And that's what I've been doing. And what a difference already! After only a few days I feel so much happier coming home and feel that I can breathe a bit easier. The first night I put the junk mail on the dining table into piles, threw away the pile that was actually junk and can finally see some wood. And I unloaded/loaded the dishwasher. That has moved on through a couple of dishwasher loads (yes, there were huge piles of dirty dishes in my kitchen - ugh) and laundry through to sweeping the floor, cleaning the kitchen countertops, dusting, starting to clean up my dresser in the bedroom. Ahhhh! Breathing room! It's actually quite amazing what two cleaning jobs every morning and evening can accomplish.

And finally, as far as studying goes, I decided that I just have to get into the habit of studying 6 days a week. I'd got into the habit of just doing whatever homework was set, and studying only when there was a test, trying to have a night off from studying whenever possible. But I need to step my general reading up so that I can stay up on the theory. So last night, even though I didn't need to, I picked up a book and spent 40 minutes or so reading up on qi.

I am definitely feeling happier about this new plan. I think I can, I think I can...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-03-01T14:21:00.003-05:00

I want to document some health changes, both since I started acupuncture all those many years ago, and since I've been losing weight lately.

So:

1. Easy bruising. I used to bruise if you just looked at me. I was covered in them constantly. And I wouldn't have a clue where most of them came from. Not any more! This was an acu success - easy bruising is a sign of spleen qi deficiency, which I still have, but not nearly so bad as before. Now I only bruise if I get a really hard knock. As it should be.

2. Fatigue. Oh lord, the fatigue. This has improved a lot. Of course, it's probably from a mixture of more exercise, weight loss, less booze, an interesting course at school to get up for, less depression. All that. Now I sometimes marvel at the energy I have in my belly - the fire, as it were, burning away, enabling me to get stuff done. The house is still a mess, though, as I don't have enough energy to clean, so it's not perfect!

3. Coldness. I was constantly cold. And if I wasn't cold all over, my hands and feet were icy. Now I'm very warm blooded. In fact, I'm frequently hot. Women all over the office now marvel at how I manage to share a thermostat with my boss, who likes the temperature frigid. Again, cold hands and feet are a sign of spleen qi deficiency, so I attribute this to acupuncture and possibly qigong.

4. Puffy feet. My feet used to get painfully swollen by the end of most days. I expect this was due to putting on weight. I couldn't even wear half of my shoes because they were too painfully tight due to the swelling. Now my feet'll get slightly puffy on an odd random day, but it is definitely not the norm. I also used to get puffy fingers if I walked anywhere, but not any more.

5. Low back pain. Along with the weight and lack of exercises came chronic low back pain. I had to force myself to walk again, and I had to start slow, taking a break midway through even a 10-minute walk to do some yoga stretches. This is mostly gone. I attribute this success to exercise, although I've had acupuncture for it when it flares up.

So there you go. The new, healthier me.

Conception thoughts

2009-02-26T08:55:00.003-05:00

I have a confession to make: I STILL haven't done anything about ordering the man-in-a-can frozen spermy goodness. So it's highly unlikely to make an appearance in March. I am now aiming for April. It's mostly to do with finances - my paycheck has dropped dramatically, mostly due to The Craziness at work. I have been promised that I will be paid some extra to make up for the fact that I couldn't do real work (which I get paid for) as opposed to lets-stop-the-whole-place-falling-apart work (that I don't normally get paid for). So I expect that at some point soon I'll get a check for that, and a tax rebate and then I'll be happy money-wise again.

But, it hasn't stopped me musing. Of course. Musing is what I do best.

First of course I muse about the absolutely minimal possibility that this will work. Although I don't think it's a vanishingly small chance - after all, it's now been 9 months since I took IVF drugs (apart from that one month - when was it? August? - where I used some progesterone because my cycle was so screwed up). My cycle is as regular as clockwork again, and holy EWCM batman! I am losing weight (yay, the scale started moving again), I am exercising, I am back at acupuncture, I am eating a good diet, so I feel like I am in good shape health-wise. Plenty of women conceive at age 40. This week, in a brazen show of optimism, I even started back on a multivitamin. Not a prenatal, you understand. Just a regular multi, but I wanted to make sure I was getting enough folate and iron and all that good stuff. Anyway, all that is optimistic stuff. I feel like the drugs are all out of my system and I think that that's good for me. But of course we all know that it's a SLIM chance at best that I can get knocked up. I know this. And there's no need for you to remind me, Anonymous. I'm not expecting it to work by any means. I'm mostly doing it because I can, and because I don't want to regret not trying.

Then I muse about how OK I am with it NOT working. Conceiving used to be a NEED. Especially conceiving my own genetically related child. Now it is not. It would be nice, but I don't need it to happen. I will be fine if it doesn't. It's actually quite a shocking thing to have such thoughts. I know that I can become a mother through adoption (or egg donation or whatever) and that is a comforting thought - it takes away the pressure about this little diversion. I am still intending at some point to adopt through the foster care system whether that's for a first child or a second child, I just have that back-burnered because of the difficulty of getting to the parenting classes right now. And in a way, it would be tremendously difficult and - dare I say it - inconvenient to have a child now. I am so busy. I couldn't manage to work as many hours as I do, AND go to school AND live as far away from the school as I do. If I somehow got knocked up I'd probably have to sell my house (in this market?), move in with my aunt and just work odd hours remotely. It's possible, but it'd be a major hassle. So sometimes I marvel at why I am even contemplating this.

But then, when it all comes down to it, I fundamentally believe deep down that it is still possible for me to conceive. That I might have one good egg in me somewhere and it's only a matter of finding it. So why not try to find it? Why not indeed.

I'm so tired of being fat

2009-02-23T09:47:00.002-05:00

Sigh. You know how I wrote that I was nearly at the weight goal I set myself before signing up for match you-know-what? Yeah. I'm still at the same weight. I've been doing everything right, stepped up my exercise and am just bouncing around the same weight, give or take a pound. I know it's not a real plateau as it's only been 3 weeks (ish), but really. This is where I get very frustrated, and usually quit my weight loss efforts. I am NOT going to quit this time, because this time I am not starving myself so I am eating in a way that is sustainable for a long time. BUT I am very tired of being overweight. Very tired. I just wish it would go.

And I wish my tongue would de-puff, for goodness sake. We're starting to pay more attention to our tongues at acu school - we have a whole class on tongue diagnosis that we haven't got to yet so I don't know specifics, but I have got into the habit of looking at my tongue every day. I'm just trying to recognize the color because purple means one thing, red another, etc - apparently there is no "pink" in Chinese tongue diagnosis. And of course, ALL tongues look pink to me, so I'm trying to differentiate what the different hues are. Anyway, a puffy tongue, especially with teeth marks on the side, is fairly bad in that it means (I think) dampness, and the teeth marks mean spleen qi deficiency. Both of which are very often involved when you are overweight. So I'm stuck with this puffy tongue that seems too big to fit in the space alloted to it. And it is freakin' annoying me that I am eating well and it is not deflating much. It's gone down a little bit since my very first foray into acupuncture all those years ago, but not enough.

If there's one thing I will say to my IVF-sisters who are just starting out - don't believe anyone when they say that conceiving is the most important thing. Don't let people think you aren't serious about getting pregnant if you are also concerned about gaining weight. If you can handle not diving into a tub of ice cream to drown your sorrows, try to resist! I mean, if you HAVE to have a tub or three of ice cream, be my guest. Whatever it takes, right? Your sanity is more important than your waistline. But if you can keep your sanity and your waistline at the same time - stay strong, ladies, stay strong.

Lordy, time is flying

2009-02-19T21:50:00.004-05:00

Life is going by in a blur. I am running at full speed all the time, and wow. I am not sure where the days go.

School is getting very interesting. The teachers are loosening up with us as they get to know us. The class is loosening up with each other - in fact we got told off today for being noisy. I was secretly glad we got told off, as I don't like loud chatter, but hey. I am at least glad that MOST of the class are really nice and friendly. And then the studying is also getting interesting, with lots of hints this week about energy medicine. And by energy I mean "Qi" - what is qi you ask? Well, I don't have a good translation - life force, or energy is the best. As one of the profs says, if your liver is in your body working away it is full of qi. If you cut it out and put it on the table, it is a piece of meat. It is dead because it has no qi. OK, OK, you might get all "it's dead meat because there's no blood circulation" with me but the theory goes that qi and blood zoom around together.

OK, so on to energy. We are doing qigong and taiji exercises to get our energy flowing. Professor after professor tells us that we should be doing qigong every day if we want to be good acupuncturists. One of the profs on Tuesday was talking about the energy of her patients, and how she can tell a lot when someone walks in the room. Some of it makes sense, as we've all had the "cut the tension with a knife" moments, or been able to tell that someone is angry just because of the vibes they are giving off. But these people go way further. And that makes me feel sometimes like I'm sitting in an x-ray machine!

Then another prof. did a healing on a student (not from our class) on Wednesday and invited one of my class in to watch. It was me! I am not sure why he asked me, but he didn't use needles, he used his fingers. And not acupressure either. I got the impression that he was sending qi down his fingers into the student. Did he ask me to show me the energy work, or did he just pick on me because I was the smart arse answering questions that day? Was I supposed to see this energy work and start paying more attention to this stuff? I tried to send out a healing vibe while I was in the room, but I doubt if I was much of a help.

And then today, we had this patient come in to class, and she had been in last week as well. I just feel so badly like I want her to be healed, because she is in constant pain. She had tears in her eyes today telling us about stuff. And as I listened and empathized I felt like I had all this energy going through me and my hands were getting hot, like we're told should happen in qigong. Ooh, I thought, maybe I am full of qi, maybe I've opened a couple of energy meridians or something! So I tried to send the healing energy her way. When we were watching her getting her acu treatment, one of the students from a higher class was there, making up some class time with us, and I noticed she was sitting weirdly and pointing her palm at the patient - aha! Sending qi! So I tried to do similarly. But this student got a treatment too, and she was all "I react SO strongly to the treatment" and saying how she feels the qi flowing. And someone asked a question about energy flow so she said to the teacher "ahh, she's one of us." One of us? One of us? One of us what? Aren't we ALL supposed to learn about this stuff, or is she saying that only certain people are gifted with heightened awareness of energy? It put me slightly on edge. Although intrigued.

It's like one thing after another is suddenly saying "pay attention to this qi stuff."

But sadly as we were walking out the arrogant jackass dude was all "that patient today was a hypochondriac. She could describe pain so minutely, in so much detail. Who does that? She's imagining it.Or maybe she has a mental problem." And I felt so annoyed with him. The poor woman has been in constant pain for 2 years and has been to doctor after doctor. She has probably had to describe the pain six ways from Sunday. Multiple times a day. No wonder she is precise when she says things, and not just "my legs kinda hurt."

And I certainly felt the angry energy well up as he was speaking! Grrrr. Again, I'm just going to try to be polite and say that I hope his thinking evolves. But really, what's the effing point of doing this if you think fat people are all fat because they don't exercise, and people in chronic pain are making it up? Really? Where's the effing empathy?

Snippets

2009-02-16T09:42:00.004-05:00

Work is still bad, but I think this week will be better. Cutie acu gave me some herbs for the stress, so they seem to be helping.

I went down to see the family this weekend, so that was nice. I had a good time, although tiring, because I had so little time to see everyone that I felt like I had to cram in as much as possible. My second cousin was down from Toronto, and I'm formulating a plan to go visit her in the summer (she doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure I'll be welcome). I haven't been to Toronto for over a decade so it'll be nice to see it again.

Saw this billboard in Miami, near Little Havana: It was an H&R Block ad, with a picture of two ultra-dorky white guys, & said "Tambien hablamos ingles." It totally cracked me up. Miami really IS a different country.

Buckling

2009-02-10T12:21:00.002-05:00

I'm really buckling under the strain at work at the moment. It is awful. I have grumped at a few people today, threatened to quit to my boss, and snapped that a couple of people should just be fired already. Sigh. Not a good day.

I know it's only temporary as we're going through some (major) transitions, but I just am not handling it well right now. Thank god there are no tests at school this week so I can coast and do the minimum amount of studying to keep up.

So much for being super healthy, eh. Having stress levels that are through the roof are surely no good for any body.

More tips

2009-02-08T12:53:00.002-05:00

It seems that the professors I have on Tuesday and Saturday are the ones that are more apt to give advice. So the entire class is busy pumping them for information at every opportunity! Everyone else says that we'll have a whole semester on food therapy so we will learn everything then.

OK, so on the "no water with meals" thing. It's really ANY cold liquid that is bad. It is heavy and cold and mixes with the food and interferes with digestion. So ice cold sodas are out too. A SMALL amount of room temperature liquid is OK, but he said that you are better off having a cup of hot soup as an appetizer if you need to have liquids. Water should be drunk between meals. At room temperature. Or in tea. And don't drink lots of water right before you go to bed, or you'll have a puffy face.

More on dairy: dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt) should be strictly limited, and if you HAVE to have it, eat it in the morning. Only have organic dairy. The prof said that too much non-organic dairy is what is contributing to the big rise in prostate enlargement. OK, so that's not such a huge concern for most of us but it's an example of the bad things it does. It's OK for children to have more organic dairy but not adults.

Don't have raw/cold food in the evening. He said food in the evening should be cooked. Sorry, I can't remember why. It was something to do with not having too much cold stuff. He said if you really want to eat salads, have them at lunch.

Health tips from the professors

2009-02-06T15:45:00.002-05:00

So, I'm trying to remember some of the health advice that the various professors have told us, in order to pass it on.

1. Put two glasses of water by your bed, and drink them before you get up. I have been trying to do this, but I use one 12 oz glass rather than two 8 oz glasses. Although sometimes I get up and pee (and get on the scale) first. It's supposed to be better for hydration to take the water on an empty stomach before you do anything.

2. Do not eat ice cream. Especially not if you have a tendency to be cold and/or overweight. Sorry, gals. This is a big one in Chinese medicine. The worst things you can eat are: ice cold things, dairy, and sugar. So ice cream is a perfect storm and is therefore verboten. Though I guess maybe if you're skinny and running a fever...?

3. Which brings me on to...no ice cold drinks. If you drink water, it should be room temperature.

4. Don't drink water with meals, or within 1 hour before or 2 hours after meals. I am being very sporadic with this one!

5. Green tea and ginseng don't work well together, as they cancel each other out - says one professor. Another professor drinks green tea with ginseng all day long, and says he doesn't worry about it. So I'm lost on this one.

6. Do Qi Gong. Or Tai Ji. Or anything else that encourages deep belly breathing like yoga, meditation, certain types of prayer.

7. Eat blueberries. OK, this one wasn't from a Chinese professor, but a US professor who is also a naturopathic physician.

Umm, that's all I can think of for now.

Not so skilled with comment moderation, akshully

2009-02-05T08:55:00.004-05:00

I managed to delete some comments I didn't mean to delete. Sorry! Trying to figure out how to work it between the Blackberry and a few duplicate comments led to a couple of accidental deletions. So if you're wondering where your pithy bon mot went, ummm, sorry, it went to comment heaven. But I'm sure it's happy running around with the other dead comments. And there's rainbows there, and everything.

I turned comment moderation on due to the return of Anonymous. And yes, Anonymous, I do know it was you. Suggesting in a second comment that it might be someone else who was concerned about my mental health isn't going to fly when you use the same wording that you always use. And here's the other thing - nobody else IS concerned about my mental health, or if they are, they just look away and politely let me get on with the train wreck. Because, what's it to them? Nothing. They have better things to do with their lives.

Right. But it's staying on. I'm going to figure it out sooner or later.

The other OTHER plan

2009-02-04T16:05:00.000-05:00

Just to confirm - the adoption plan is still on, by the way. I just don't have time to go to the parenting classes right now, because they are offering them at inconvenient times, so it's a little back burner-ed. But it's still very much ON. I just am simmering a few pots at once, that's all.

The OTHER plan

2009-02-04T10:05:00.002-05:00

Oh yes, there's another plan. The real man plan. I decided early in January (after realizing that perhaps acu school doesn't have the largest selection of guys, nor easy socializing) that I would rejoin that dating site that has a name like a small piece of wood you strike on a box to make fire with. Arr. Subtlety has always been my strong point.

Anyhoo. I set myself not a date target by which I would sign up, but a weight target. In that once I got down to a certain weight, I'd get me some nice new photos and set myself up a profile. I decided to make myself lose a few pounds first because I don't want to make any excuses about being insecure about the size of my butt and not do this! 2009 is the no excuse year. Well, I stepped on the scale this morning, and while I'm not quite there yet, it's within 2 pounds and more importantly, I'm in the lower "decade" at last. So, as I already have a trip planned for next weekend to see the family (gramps is over from Blighty, and second cousin is down from Canada), I have decided to take my camera and make people take lots of pics of me. While I take lots of pics of them too. Hopefully I will get a good one or two that will be somewhat flattering.

Eek!

Doing better

2009-02-03T14:11:00.002-05:00

I am now able to walk normally, or, at least, appear to to anyone else. It still twinges when I do that, but at least it doesn't hurt. My hip is doing much better. Sadly, I was limping at work yesterday and had to tell the tale of injuring myself while sleeping to several people. It was a tad embarrassing, especially when my friend P. said "Dude, you have got to get in shape. You gave yourself a bedsore!" Haha, thanks very much. I did not and do not have a bedsore. But, yes, perhaps I need to step it up on the exercise front.

Anyway, I want to announce that I am resurrecting the man-in-a-can plan. Maybe. Probably. Who knows. I've got to get motoring on getting the paperwork done, and then maybe I'll be ready to squirty up the clacker in March/April. Heh. Squirty up the clacker. I think that's an Elowyn original phrase that always stuck in my mind. And for God's sake, please, no comments about how pointless it is. I know, all right? But if I want to waste a few months trying in a stress free way with my last potentially viable eggs, then it's my own damn look out.

Walking wounded

2009-02-01T08:18:00.002-05:00

I managed to injure myself in my sleep on Friday night. Yup. I'm not even safe in my own bed.

See, Friday night it was coooolllld. But I had my window open because I didn't realize how cold it would get. And I was exhausted from all the stressful shit going on with the craziness at work. So my alarm went off on Saturday morning and I was curled up in a fetal position on my left hand side bundled under the covers. And I don't think I had moved at all. All night. Because my left hip was completely numb. I jumped in the shower and gradually got the circulation going again, but as I was puttering around making breakfast, I found that walking was pretty damn excruciatingly painful actually. My ride came to pick me up (yay carpooling) and I hobbled out to the car. Sitting was OK, but as I got out of the car, everything had completely seized up and I could barely put one foot in front of the other. And so the day went on. I'd hobble painfully around, loosen it up a bit, then have to sit at a desk for an hour and a half and it would seize up again. And my hip started getting really cold too. I kept rubbing it, but it wasn't really helping. I started to fear that I'd killed part of my hip because of cutting off circulation all night.

Of course, the yoga teacher/personal trainer classmate guy scoffed at my thought that I'd hurt myself while sleeping, exclaiming that you can't injure yourself while sleeping and that I must have injured it the day before and not noticed. And then kept going on about how I should do some exercise. Oh, and he didn't mean that I should do some stretches to loosen my hip up right now, I'm sure he meant that I should do some exercise not to be such a fat fuck. I almost punched him but pointed out that I walk 6 days a week and do yoga once a week. OK, so it's not running marathons and I probably should do more but it's enough for basic health, I think. Gah. I am going to be polite here and say that I hope his thinking evolves during our course. But that's the second time he's seemed incredulous that anybody who's overweight already does exercise. And, while I'm ranting, I wish he'd stop asking every single one of our teachers if they recommend exercise to their patients. A) it's annoying, and B) he's not going to be very successful if the first thing out of his mouth is "you need to run 3 miles a day to lose weight" when someone comes in to his office with a bit of shoulder pain.

After school finished for the day, I asked if we could stop and get a heat pad before heading back home, so I could start warming my hip up as quickly as possible. And then I called my personal physical therapist (my aunt) for some advice. Lordy, I howled with pain doing the gentle stretching and movement exercises she recommended! I went to bed at a new record low....7.45pm, wrapped up with three heat pads, and with the bed piled high with sofa pillows so I couldn't roll onto my left.

This morning it is a lot better, but still painful and not right. I am still limping. I don't think I can manage yoga even though that might be the best thing for it, but I really don't think I could keep up with the class. I'll try to just keep gently moving it every now and then.

Sigh. And no, I didn't ask one of my teachers to stick a few needles in it as most of my classmates were suggesting. I dunno, that just doesn't seem right to me to expect free healthcare from the teachers and to interrupt their breaks to make them do some work. But I might make a quick acu appointment for Monday if my acu has an opening on his schedule if it doesn't clear up.

Boobage

2009-01-27T09:42:00.002-05:00

I went for my very first mammogram the other week. You know, now that I have hit the big four-oh and my boobs are starting their journey south towards my knees, it was time. And it really wasn't that bad. I mean, sure it was a bit uncomfortable in parts, but compared to an HSG? Nothing beats being spread-eagled under an X-ray contraption with a doctor between your legs clinging on for grim death to a tenaculum that is clamped around your cervix while he shoots a radio-opaque dye up your innards and then asks you to roll to your side to try to force the dye past the polyp that is partially blocking your tube. Umm. Yeah. Since then, I would rate a mammogram as cake, piece of. Any day.

So, the lady was very nice and no-nonsense. Grabbing the boobs to position them, pushing the fat gut out of the way and telling me to hold my breath while the squeezer did its thing. No, none of that was a problem at all. But then she would bring the image up on a screen to check it was OK before moving on to the next one. And most of them looked like the regular mammogram images that I've seen before. One of them, though, made me catch my breath. Oh, not because there was a big nasty in the middle of the screen making me think "uh-oh, cancer" but instead because it was a side view and just caught all the milk ducts right so it looked like one of those images that show where your milk will flow when you are breastfeeding. It was like a textbook drawing. Except of course it reminded me that there has been no breastfeeding. And that there probably never will be.

And all over again, it reminds me that I am barren. Broken. Defunct. Decrepit. No use. Not fertile. It's funny how one simple little thing brings it back. Again and again. And it just makes me feel so...inadequate. So stupid for wasting my life. WHY wasn't I having babies in my 20's or early 30's. Why? So stupid. I let the time slip away from me.

You don't have to answer. There's no need to tell me that I don't know if it was a time issue or if I would always have been barren. It doesn't reassure me. It doesn't make me feel any better for letting opportunities slip through my fingers. But, this too will pass. I'll mull for a little while, then I'll be so damn busy that I'll get on with thinking about other things. I suppose that's the way it'll be from now on. Something will bring the thoughts bubbling up to the surface, and something else will take their place eventually.

But the good news? I've already got the results back, and my boobs are A-OK.

Guess what I managed to do?

2009-01-25T08:27:00.003-05:00

I managed to stay up later than 8pm yesterday. Awesomeness. I think I am getting in the groove with the new schedule. Actually, when I went to CC last semester it took 3 weeks for me not to be totally exhausted all the time, so it's right on the money again.

So, normally I'd predict that I'll be back to being better about posting and keeping in touch and that I'd start telling you guys some stuff about Chinese medicine that might actually be useful. However, the craziness at work? Mondo crazy. I actually think I'm going to have to do things like start getting up at 5am for a few weeks just so I can get everything done. And part of the reason I was up late? I was on the phone with my boss from 10pm to 11.30pm. Yup, on Saturday night. It's not his fault though, it's all to do with "the craziness." In the long run, I think things at work will be a lot better, but we are going through some big upheavals and it's going to be tough for a while. It doesn't help that I've got some acu school tests coming up - 3 of my intro. classes were only 4 weeks long so I have some "finals" this week and next week that I need to study for somehow. They can't be too hard as they are intro. classes after all, so I'm not stressed about the actual tests, but of course I want to acquit myself well.

Sorry I can't promise any new posting frenzies, or more information, but I'll still be here, posting when I can.

The workers and the others

2009-01-22T08:22:00.002-05:00

So, the funny (one of the many funny) things about going back to school is getting used to other peoples way of thinking. Case in point: study groups. Now, personally, I can't stand study groups. This is a very selfish thing of mine, but I've never got much out of them, seem to spend more time helping other people and just...bleh. But there are some students in my class who are very VERY keen about setting up a study group. And cool, if people really want to do it, I'll do it. Except they're trying to find a time that works for everyone, and I just don't get why they don't get that we'll never do that. We range from people who completely gave up working to come study to those that are working full time, and everyone in between. We all have different schedules. We all learn in different ways. We all have different study needs. So to my thinking, 3 or 4 different study groups are going to be necessary to fit everyone in, and hey, if you're not working and want to go to them all, have at it. Besides, I am already carpooling on Saturdays for an hour each way, and we have so far used the morning drive to review stuff, so those of us that live a long way north of the school already have a kind of study group going.

But I'm so not wanting to give up more of my free time. I mean, sure, I'm "off" on Thursday mornings. But that's time in which I have to run every possible errand that can't be run on Sunday, like going to the doctor's, getting the car oil changed, going to the pool store for chlorine, going to the dentist, taking the cat to the vet, getting an acupuncture session. You name it, I have to squeeze it in on Thursday morning. Oh, hey, AND study too - and what I need to study may not be what my classmates need to study. And, you know, maybe I need to do some laundry and keep the house from falling into complete squalor at some point. And did I mention the hour-long drive to get to the school?

WHY don't they get that I have an effing JOB, people? That, coincidentally, is going all kinds of bat shit CRAZY right now (a long post for another day when everything has blown over). That I can't just waltz along to the school early so I can sit in the library with them for TWO HOURS that they want to devote to a study group? Oy. And vey.

South Floridians in the cold

2009-01-21T14:34:00.002-05:00

We, the people of South Florida, are a truly pathetic bunch in the cold, I have to say. Here's a little background:

About, ooh, 10-12 times a year, a "cold" front comes through. However, by the time it reaches us, it has usually lost most of its bite and is actually a "cool" front. The temperatures might dip to the middle fifties at night, rising to the high sixties or low seventies during the day. Your average tourist or snowbird might cope with this by wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt with his shorts and flip-flops. Or might wear some long pants with his short-sleeved polo shirt. But your average local? Fully decked out in jeans, Ugg boots and a sweater. And perhaps a scarf. Shivering and generally muttering about it being freezing, but often somewhat glad at the same time at getting to air out the sweater collection.

So, once or twice a year, it actually does get cold. Like today. I had to put my heating on for the first time this year. The heating - can you imagine?! The temperatures dipped below 40 degrees. Shock! Horror! And sadly, this is where we are most pathetic. See, only people who travel north regularly have any coats or sweaters that are in any way up to date. Everyone else is using the same old sweater that they've been dragging out of the closet once a year since 1984. Nobody has any coats that are usable, so we layer. Yes, we layer our 80's patterened sweaters with every single long sleeved item we have, and go about looking like great flappy Michelin men who have yet to get with the current decade. But the sad thing is that none of our stuff is made to keep us warm, so even with all the layers, everybody is still hunched over and shivering all day.

And the tourists? Yeah, they're all looking chic in their up-to-the-minute lightweight jackets and whatnot, and looking supremely comfortable and wondering what the fuss is about when it's barely even chilly.

Wild living

2009-01-18T10:37:00.002-05:00

Guess what I did for the second Saturday night in a row?

Went to bed at 8pm.

I am ALL about the partay, people. Or not. Sadly, it's the only time I have to catch up on some zzzz's, but I hope that I will adjust to the new schedule soon.

Driving (myself up the wall, to school, you to boredom...)

2009-01-16T11:08:00.003-05:00

I had an acu session yesterday. School has been kicking my butt, and I felt that as part of my new "get super healthy" plan, I may as well get continuing treatment of the thing that I am studying. Ahhh. It was fabulous. I felt like I hadn't relaxed in months like I did on that table. And it fixed the low back pain that has been a constant feature lately. Except that I then drove 40+ miles to school, spent an entire day sitting at desks, and then drove 40+ miles back, so my back pain has now returned with a vengeance. But maybe with repeated treatments, and some herbal medicine, and some weight loss and exercise, maybe it'll go. Cutie acu told me I'll feel better once I finish school. Hmm, yeah, thanks dude.

Anyhoo, cutie acu is going to the school one day a week to take a continuing ed course, and he'll also be teaching there next semester (not my class, unfortunately - we're still way too basic to have him), so he suggested that we carpool. Which is, like, totally awesome, as I can pick his brains while we're driving, and revel in his cuteness and niceness at the same time. And save some gas money.

The new loudmouth girl has disappeared. I guess the one class that she did scared her off. Oh well, easy come, easy go.

In non-school news, I have been brooding again over past fertility-related mistakes. Even stuff such as "WHY didn't I try harder with match.com?" and "WHY didn't I start TTC earlier?" - I'm driving myself slightly cuckoo. I guess it's all coming back up because of starting my new life, and going back to acu, as the last treatment I had was during the last IVF. It is strange how the smallest of things can bring up the old feelings all over again. Although this time I am not brooding on things I did while trying to conceive, it's all stuff before that - why did I waste my whole twenties and 6 years of my thirties? Why, why, why? Why the eff am I still pathetically single? Ugh. I am trying to see this as part of healing - that I'm no longer brooding over TTC, but pre-TTC stuff, so eventually I'll get back to a point in time where I didn't make mistakes and will have nothing left to brood over. Hah, it's probably wishful thinking, I know.

Class +1

2009-01-14T09:24:00.002-05:00

We had another person join the acu class yesterday. She seems like a loudmouth, so I'm not sure how good this will be. But, she's another nurse, and it was the VERY basic hygiene and clean needle technique class, which I think *I* could pretty much teach at this point (Wash your hands! Disposable needles only! Put used needles straight in the Sharps container! Don't get Hep B!). So perhaps she couldn't help herself with the making of the comments.

I have decided that one of the guys in the class is quite pleasing on the eye. But have yet to find out if he's married or how old he is or what. So it may not be worth twinkling at him, and besides, I'm still feeling self conscious about the size of my ass, but I'm setting myself a mission of finding more stuff out this week.

I yoga'd

2009-01-11T17:19:00.003-05:00

In spite of my feeling of crushing exhaustion, I got up and went to a yoga class this morning. Why? Well, first, it was one of my New Year's Resolutions, so, you know, I had to. Second, those acu professors are scary. One yesterday was saying how he can tell everything about a person's health in five minutes. Like that (snaps fingers). And he said he could already tell a lot about our health just from the way we were sitting in class, our body shapes, our complexions, how we talk, etc.

And then, I carpooled yesterday with two of my classmates. Both of whom were complaining about their XS scrubs being too big. So we got onto the subject of exercise, and one of them does like 2 hours a day at the gym - 1 hour of spinning class and 1 hour of mixed cardio and weights. Ummm. Yeah. That is SO not going to happen even if I wanted to do that much, which I don't. My puny little 40 minute walk everyday that up to then had seemed so meritorious seemed to pale into insignificance.

But, I don't want to be the pudgy girl with all the health problems. I want to be the shining, glowing person that everyone looks at with awe. I don't want to be a poor excuse for a health care provider. So I know I need to do more exercise. I had already planned to do more exercise, specifically yoga, and it was just a matter of following through.

So I did it. I got my butt out of bed and into a yoga class. And it kicked my poor sorry ass around, that's for sure. But I am feeling proud of myself.

I am also planning on going back to acu. I haven't been since I stopped the IVF's, because what was the point? But there are many things that could be fixed to bring me into better health, so maybe I will go once every two weeks or so. I'm all about the health...

(and I've lost 5.5 lbs since Christmas.)

Wiped out

2009-01-10T17:08:00.003-05:00

One week done, and I am exhausted. Good lord, and to think I was all keen on adopting a month ago. I couldn't look after a child AND myself at this point. However, I am reminding myself that once the time comes to adopt, I will have adapted to my schedule, and I (hopefully) won't find it as exhausting.

So, what have I learned that can be shared?

Well, don't drink too much green tea if you have Spleen Qi deficiency (ginger is better). Green tea and Ginseng are pointless together, as the green tea completely nullifies the action of the ginseng. By the time you have symptoms, you can't be cured other than temporarily. The disease will come back at some point, but you can delay when the disease comes back. So prevention is much better than treatment.

That last one is a bit depressing. And I'm not sure I believe the guy that you can't cure anything. What are we all doing this for, then? Just to alleviate? Not that alleviating symptoms isn't a good idea, and all, but it would be nice to think that we can cure too.

That's all I can think of right now. There's been a lot of yin/yang theory and all that sort of stuff, which is interesting, but not necessarily good blog material right now when my brain is too tired to think.

The scrubs I am a-hating

2009-01-09T09:09:00.006-05:00

The school uniform scrubs arrived yesterday. I have been doing really well with the weight loss and so when I tried them on when I got home I was reassured that there will be no risk of seam splittage across my chunky thighs. Although I will say that I am glad that the Tai Ji/Qi Gong class (sorry, can't write Tai Chi any more now I've had my first Chinese language class and know how you pronounce the words - Chi is pronounced chrrr so we have to be correct) doesn't start for 5 weeks and instead we have to sit at desks learning history until then, as it gives me chance to lose a bit more to allow for more leg movement without risk of seam splittage.

However. They are SO freakin' depressing. I do NOT look like Meredith Grey, let's just get that out of the way. They are unisex scrubs, and I'm pear shaped. So to order a set that is big enough to get over my butt and my stomach, it is totally and utterly swamping the top half of my body. I mean, seriously, I could fit two of me in there - well, if they were cut off tops that ended at my ribcage, that is. And the pants are too long, and have this horrible loose bagginess around the crotch. I hope they will look better after washing, but ugh.

I will get some of that iron-on sticky tape so I can hem them easily tonight. I have NO idea what to do about the top though. Maybe I just have to lose tons of weight so I can order (and fit into) some small size ones, and then I won't look so much like a boxy green whale. I think even the mediums would be bad. If only we could order them ourselves, instead of having to stick with the standard school ones, because then I could order the ones that are tailored more for women.

I tell ya, this is all Stacey and Clinton's fault. If I hadn't got myself all into wearing tops that flatter my shape a bit more, I wouldn't have known there was anything other than boxy and huge and unflattering.

ETA: It's not that I should have a smaller sized scrub top, it's that the size that fits my stomach is totally the wrong shape for my chest/shoulders. And there doesn't seem to be a way to order a different style, as everybody has the same. I think perhaps a tailor and some inconspicuous darts might be the way to go. After I've lost a bit more weight, that is. Perhaps that'll be a job for the break after the first semester.

1 done, 539 to go

2009-01-07T09:39:00.004-05:00

Pre-acupuncture class, the school was a bit annoying, I've got to say. I turned up early to get my books and parking pass, and the admissions lady wasn't around. The finance lady seemed annoyed to have to tell me that the admissions lady was in the clinic. Umm, but where was the clinic? So I ambled around aimlessly, and actually found the admissions lady in the library when I walked in to ask someone where the clinic was. So I got my parking pass, and she said she'd meet me in the clinic after I moved my car. And her response to my question of where the clinic was was a vague wave and an "it's just through there" statement. But "there" seemed to involve a classroom where students were sitting. Anyhoo, I moved the car, came back around to the front door, and noticed next to the front door a brightly colored, well lit clinic, with its own separate entrance. How could I have missed it the first time? But it does appear that the door from the clinic to the rest of the school goes through a classroom, which seems a tad inconvenient. I bought the rest of the books I needed, and then went and schmoozed with the finance lady while handing over a sum of cash (OK, I actually handed over my credit card, but whatever).

On to my class - 12 people turned up. I'd been told it was a class of 15, and one of my classmates who I spoke to during the break had been told it was a class of 8. So I guess 12 must be right! Everybody seems pretty friendly, and it's a super interesting mix of people. There are 3 honest-to-goodness, actually born here, Americans, 3 Colombians, 1 Ecuadorian, 1 Argentinian, 1 Haitian, 1 Bulgarian, 1 Burmese and 1 Brit (moi). And I have to say it, it tickled me that the only white American is a chick with dreadlocks - sometimes I hate South Florida, and sometimes I just love the fascinating mix of people you get down here - last night was definitely a "love" night. Two were physicians in their home country, and still work in some type of healthcare job. 1 is a trainer/yoga teacher and is too stick thin if you ask me. Most of us haven't done anything in the healthcare field. 3 are young (in their 20's), 2 or 3 are in their 30's, I'd guess, and everyone else is probably in their 40's. 1 is a fashion-plate model type. There are 8 women and 4 men. Some have never had an acupuncture treatment, but most have had it done and thought "wow." Some want to help others, some are looking for that next business opportunity.

All in all, I'm pretty excited about what's to come!

Ready or not, here I come

2009-01-05T09:45:00.004-05:00

The house is mostly tidy (there's a little bit left to do tonight), the kitchen and bathroom are clean (I even took apart the stove top and scrubbed), the bedroom is de-dust-bunnied, the laundry is done, and all in all, I would not be embarrassed if any of you walked in unannounced. Assuming, that is, that the Queen does not read this blog, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't, but if SHE walked in the house unannounced I would have a fit. Normal people, though? It's clean enough for you.

The pens are bought, the notebooks are ready. All the textbooks I can find for cheap on the internet have either arrived or should arrive today. I will get the rest of the books at the school bookshop. My school bag is packed.

I have a plan to get the car checked out before the first big school drive, and everything is set. School starts tomorrow, people!

Oh, well, perhaps I should mention that everything is ready to go APART from the raging butterflies in my stomach. I am scared that I have picked the wrong second career. I hope that this is ME, but I don't know it for certain yet. I am scared of just the sheer number of hours a week I will have to devote to studying and working - what if I crack under the pressure? I am scared of the time I will spend driving to and fro each day - basically it involves 8 hours a week on an interstate which is a scary scary road at times. Not to mention that 3 days a week I will be finishing school at 10pm - will the road be full of drunks? Will I fall asleep at the wheel? Will my car last or fall apart? I am scared that my fat ass will burst through my scrub pants because I was too vain to try on the XL size. I am nervous about meeting new people, hoping that my classmates are nice - I am with the same class all through the 3 years of school, so if one of them is annoying, it's going to be a loooong 3 years.

But I am excited as well. I am happy nervous as well as scared nervous. I have no worries about the science side of it (after all, I have textbooks such as "the microbiology coloring book" so it can't be too hard). I am nervous about the sheer volume of stuff that will have to be memorized, (I mean, have you seen how many acupuncture points there are?), but I am sure that I can do that if I work hard enough, and I guess other people manage to find three different pulses in your wrist, so I figure I should be able to do it too after I am taught. I think I'll make some good friends, and I think it'll be a lot of fun. And I hope there'll be a cute single guy at the school who is looking for a gal just like me. But if not, maybe someone at the school will know a cute single guy.

Baby fat

2009-01-04T08:50:00.004-05:00

When I started trying to conceive, I was a normal weight. Sure, I was about 20 lbs above where I wanted to be if I was going to go parading in a bikini, but still, my BMI was nicely in the normal territory. And I hadn't always been a normal weight - I'd recently lost about 12 pounds "getting ready for baby." But, the important factor is that at that very first RE appointment, I was not overweight. And then I held pretty steady during the IUI's...at first. After a while, the grinding doom with each failure started mounting up. And I took solace in red wine or ice cream or pizza, or whatever the flavor of the moment was (not all at once, you understand, because I went months there giving up alcohol in case that made a difference, or caffeine, or wheat, or dairy). Or I stood on my head every day. You know, whatever might give me that extra bit of help.

By the time I started my 1st IVF cycle, I was up 7 lbs. By the time I finished it, I was up another 5 lbs. By the time I got over the depression, I don't even know. I stopped monitoring. After the 2nd IVF, I started gaining more rapidly. Another 12 went on by the time of my 3rd or 4th egg retrieval. By the last one, I'd gained 37 lbs. 37! I was technically obese at that point, which I'd never been before.

I hated myself for it. And yet, getting through the day without killing myself or anyone else became oh so much more important than my weight. And if a bottle of wine helped me get through, then that's what I had. And then of course there's the infertility diet where we're supposed to have full fat dairy - I threw myself into that one with gusto.

But you know one thing I hated myself for the most? It was that I didn't have a public "excuse" for it. Our society accepts that women will gain weight when they give birth. Although not everyone does. But everyone talks about the baby weight, and losing it (or not). All of that "eating for two" is condoned. But me? I just felt like I had no right to have ballooned. Especially when I was talking to people who didn't know what I was going through - I would just mumble and say something feeble about just getting fat and old. But I would cringe inside.

So I have decided that I'm going to "own" my baby weight. THIS is my baby weight. It's the weight I wouldn't have gained had it not been for infertility. I do have an "excuse" for it - a damn good one. Yes, other women get fat having babies. I got fat trying to have a baby. So what if my coping mechanisms didn't involve an hour at the gym like perhaps would have been healthier. It was damn hard - the hardest thing I've ever been through, and actually, I'm proud to have got through it at all instead of curling into a ball and giving up on life like I wanted to so many times.

That's not to say that I'm not trying to lose the weight. Oh no. 2009 is my year of getting thin again - I have made a promise to myself. I'm not going to beat myself up any more for having gained it, but I'm also not going to cling on to this baby weight either. Part of transitioning to my new life is to shed it and not look back. Goodbye chub!

Hungover

2009-01-01T13:05:00.002-05:00

No, I didn't get drunk. I had one glass of sparkling wine at dinner. Then I was in bed at 9.30. You'd think I'd bounce out of bed feeling spry this morning and ready to take on the Universe.

But no. First of all, I started itching. Was it something I ate? Perfume? A different soap? Some vitamin or supplement? I was wracking my brains and still haven't figured it out. And now my armpits are bright red and sore, so it's obviously something I'm sweating out. Not to mention the other bits of me that are also red, itchy and sore. Second, there were the fireworks. I figured like previous years I'd be woken up briefly at midnight, but no such luck. They went on continuously from 7pm to about 12.35am. And at midnight not only did my neighbors across the way have fireworks but the people staying in the house next door were lighting Roman Candles in the street. Right by my effing car! In the street! Have I ever mentioned that home fireworks just make me SO freaking anxious? I am always convinced that someone or something is going to be set on fire. And then when I finally did drop off, I was having school and messy house related anxiety dreams.

Bleh.

Looking forward

2008-12-31T11:59:00.004-05:00

I'm climbing out of the pit. I'm trying to convince myself that, while I've made mistakes in my life (like, not trying to get pregnant 5 years earlier, and many various and sundry other things), that doesn't mean that the rest of my life should or will suck. I can move on from the mistakes and find joy in life. I can become a mother even if it doesn't involve a genetic link. I'm not a failure just because I'm too busy right now to get through the adoption class or because the orientation was depressing. I can find a way.

I've been dwelling a lot on historical figures. A review of a scented candle, of all things, brought me to a French royal mistress (linky) - a minor figure that I'd never even heard of. Anyhoo, she had six children, only two of whom survived childhood. Of the two, one died at the age of 16 in his first military campaign. The other married, but didn't have children and her husband died of smallpox 5 years into the marriage. So, not only did the woman go through the pain of so many children dying, she never got to make her genetic mark on the world because neither of her surviving children managed to have kids either. And that got me thinking about all the millions of people since the world began who didn't get to successfully reproduce, through accident or death or disease or whatever. Millions of people, if not billions. Why should I think that I deserve any different? OK, so nowadays we deal with more infertility and fewer children dying in childhood, but the end result is the same. And it's not like women haven't been barren through the ages, or ended up in convents or as old maids because there was no other option to them. If you think about it, it's monumentally lucky that our particular genetic combinations arrived on the planet at all, because it was through so many lucky and random circumstances that we have the genes that we do. So the future of humanity clearly doesn't depend on me carrying on my particular genes. I can still make a difference by raising a child with love and can pass on my beliefs, family histories, silly habits, and the like.

Having said that, it's only natural to want to have your "own" children. Children related by flesh and blood. Because that's all that humans have known for millenia. Either you have children or you are barren, and if you're a lucky barren person, you get to adopt. That was it. So it's no wonder that we have this inbuilt drive. It doesn't mean that I don't think that adopted (or DE or whatever) children aren't fated, aren't our own. I do truly believe that if and when I become a mother, that child will be my perfect child, meant to teach me lessons that I need to learn. [By perfect, you realize, I am not talking physically or behaviorally or mentally perfect, but the one that I am supposed to be with.] However, believing that still doesn't stop me mourning my dreams, mourning my idiot mistakes and choices, mourning the simple lack, the failure to achieve motherhood the way that I believe we are all driven to do. And mourning the 50lbs I let pile onto my arse along the way.

I have lots of good things to come in 2009. I will find a way to attend the adoption classes. I will get my home study done. I am going to go to acu school (in less than a week!). According to my horoscope, I have the best opportunity in a decade to meet my true love. I can lose weight if I put my mind to it. I will hopefully make some new friends at school. I may or may not become a mother this year, but I will become an honorary auntie to several of my infertility buddy's kids as 2009 will involve a veritable baby boom (yes, you may not realize this or even want me to be honorary auntie, but I am claiming your unborn children). There is so much to look forward to.

Happy New Year, one and all.

Blueness

2008-12-29T11:22:00.003-05:00

I am feeling melancholic, so haven't been posting. It's all to do with the holidays, and no kids, and failure on so many levels. And well, I know you all get it, so there's no need for me to elaborate.

I'm sure I'll cheer up as the excitement of starting acu school rolls around, and I can look forward instead of backward or what-never-was-ward.

I bring you a Christmas gift of poop

2008-12-24T11:29:00.004-05:00

I actually said those words this morning. To the vet. Ha ha ha. They wanted a cat poop sample, and they've got it. Of course, they should have had it on Monday, but Atkins-induced constipation and wilfull hunger strikes led to a delay.

Thanks for the thoughts about yesterday. I do feel like I expect too much of myself, sometimes. But it took me SO freakin' long to stop doing IVFs. So many people were (and are) all: "just get over it, already, and MOVE ON." So every time I struggle with moving on, even though on a day-to-day level I am at peace, it stings. Because I feel like a failure that I haven't "got over it" completely, that it took me so long to even get where I am today.

Then again, I probably never will get over it completely. My mother died nearly 30 years ago. I don't cry over her death any more. I don't actively grieve over it. But it is always there with me. It always brings me to a wistful pause when I think about how life could have been, would have been, should have been if she had not been taken away from us so young. I expect that unresolved infertility is like that. It will never leave. Even if I become a mother in another way, I expect there will always be some underlying grieving, angst and/or wistfulness. I know, I know, the child will be MY child, my true destined child, the child that I would not have had but for infertility leading me down that path. But that's not to say that I won't grieve over the fact that that child wasn't the second or third child, meant to complete my family, but instead is the only child, found after a long fought battle. I don't think the scars from the battle will ever truly heal.

May you all have a wonderful holiday. And if you are dealing with your own IF battle scars, may it not be too painful. May you find some joy and light in the darkness.

I'm a big kid now

2008-12-23T16:56:00.002-05:00

I went back to my old OB/Gyn today. I'd stopped going because they were useless about getting the pap results done quickly and to my RE, so the RE had been doing my pap for the last few years. And the physical. And all that. But it was time to get back to reality. And time to get papped up for another year.

I switched to a new doc, because I previously used to have a midwife do my paps (don't ask why, I don't know myself - all I know is that I asked for a woman back in the day, before multiple IVFs destroyed my modesty in that area once and for all, and got put with a CNM, then got bounced from CNM to CNM until one finally stuck around for a while). Of course, the midwife, being mostly there to deliver babies was always off...delivering babies. So I would have to wait for an eternity in that damn waiting room, surrounded by swollen bellies. Torture, I tell you. So now I'm with a doc who has a more varied practice, although it's in the same giant OB/Gyn group that half the city goes to.

And it was all going very well. I managed to squeeze my lengthy Gyn history since my last visit into the very small space provided on the form. They called me back to the exam room quickly, and the doc seemed nice. And then she asked about the fertility stuff and if I was OK with stopping the treatment. And big old toughie that I am, who is all "evolved" and "at peace" with ending my IVF career...I couldn't answer. My voice cracked, my eyes instantly filled with tears and I stuttered and spluttered. To which she looked suitably panicked and said quickly "well, I mean, you're accepting of ending it?" Yes, yes, I accept it. I accept that my eggs are crap. I accept that I have finished treatment. But it appears that I am not OK with it. Still. I still wish it had just fucking worked, and I wonder how it can be that it works for other people but not for me. We briefly talked about adoption, she said that that was great, and moved on to how I need to get a yearly mammogram now that I have hit the big four-oh. Then she did the exam and off she went.

I got back to my car and had a little cry. Damn. I guess this is going to be a very long, drawn out process. Maybe the holidays have made me wistful. Or maybe I'm just not as OK with everything as I thought I was.

I made my mammogram appointment, though. I suppose I really am a big kid now. Too old to have babies, old enough to have to get mammograms and have high cholesterol. Sigh.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-22T07:01:00.004-05:00

Does celebrating the New Year on January 1st seem completely arbitrary to anyone else? Particularly midnight on January 1st? I mean, how often is midnight actually the middle of the night if you don't live on the equator? Also, what on earth is January 1st connected to? It's just some arbitrary date and time, it seems. I have been nurturing such thoughts for years, and stopped celebrating at midnight, preferring instead to get up and see the dawn. But it seems to me that the new year really begins today, after the solstice, after the longest night of the year, so now I'm inclined to stop celebrating New Year on January 1st at all, apart from acknowledging that it's the start of the new calendar year. Or something.

As I want to get (even) more in tune with my crunchy granola side, I've been looking to ways to celebrate the solstices more. So I now put up my "Christmas" decorations on December 21st, which I did yesterday. I mean, I do celebrate Christmas with the family. I do go to church then. I was raised Christian and at various times have tried to be a good Christian. But when push comes to shove, I just don't believe a lot of it and the older I get the less inclined I am to try, preferring instead to concentrate on Buddhism and other teachings. Not that I won't celebrate and give thanks for Christ's birth, being as he was a great spiritual teacher - I just don't think he was all that different from Buddha or Mohammed in the grand scheme of things (it's the whole "only son of God" and virgin birth thing I have a problem with, oh, and the Easter thing, not the underlying message of his teachings). AND, he wasn't really born on December 25th, was he? The Christians just co-opted the old pagan winter solstice celebrations and moved 'em a few days. Where was I? Oh yes, so really my decorations are winter solstice/Christmas decorations. So that's when I put them up, to light up the longest night of the year. I'm trying to make it my official start of my holidays, which, yes, will encompass Christmas and New Year's Day, but I think a 2-week period starting on the solstice is a good time period.

Which brings me neatly to New Year's Resolutions. I love me some resolutions. I love that feeling of renewal, of promising to be a better person, of taking some time to reflect and see what it is that I really should be doing better in my life. Not that I always follow through and complete them, but at least I spend some time thinking. And I have decided that if I'm moving my New Year celebration to December 22nd, and kicking off the holidays now, then today is a good time to formally start my New Year's Resolutions too (I often start them early anyway, as soon as I think of what it is that I want to do). Not that I won't overeat and overdrink on Christmas day, you understand!

Thusly -

I resolve this coming year to:

1. Floss. At least 6 days a week. Over the last couple of years I've got my flossing up from non-existent to sporadic to semi-regular. Now I want to elevate it to a not-to-be-missed every day routine. So far I am up to a week straight of doing it every morning.

2. Walk. At least 6 days a week, for at least 30 minutes. This year has been my worst for exercise. The exercise started going downhill with IVF cycles, and then just continued sliding, with occasional bursts of remorseful over-exertion coupled with various ankle and/or back pain issues. But I must get back to consistent, regular, moderate exercise, which I can use as a baseline for more if I want to, but I must not allow myself to do less. I've walked for 3 days so far since starting this resolution.

3. Eat more mindfully. My weight is an ever present concern. And although this year I didn't manage to lose weight, I do feel that in the last half of the year I have slowly got more in touch with eating healthily. I mean, my diet is and always has been mostly healthy. I just eat way too much, and blow it on a regular basis by giving in to chocolate, chips, ice cream, pizza and/or booze. So I need to celebrate the good parts while being mindful about keeping the indulgences to a minimum, rather than being all "woe is me, I'm such a failure with my diet, I must lose 50 lbs by spring."

4. Do more yoga. Back in the day, many many years ago, I was a bendy yogini. And then I moved, and couldn't find a good class or teacher in the new city, and moved again. Ditto. And again. And still could never find anything I was happy with. And I stiffened up, got fat and got lazy. I really want to get back to a regular yoga practice. I've been looking hard for something suitable and finally found that my local studio (which I'd stopped going to because of time and money issues in addition to laziness issues) is now offering a Friday night $5 one hour class. It'll be a bitch to get to it at 5.30 as it'll mean leaving work early but I really want to do it. The class is with student yoga teachers, and they want you to give feedback to help them learn. I guess it won't be every single week, but I have got to make the effort to get to this as often as it is held, especially as their normal classes are $20, and that's too spendy for me these days.

5. Review, revise and renew my resolutions every solstice. This gives me four times a year to keep myself on track, not just once.

6. Be more social.

7. Meditate. Err, not sure how I'm going to fit this one in, but I'm putting it out there as a goal.

Do you do resolutions? Got any thoughts for this year? Anyway, Happy winter, one and all. I hope those of you up north are keeping warm.

The fatness of her catness

2008-12-21T15:38:00.003-05:00

I took the gatito (gatita?) for her yearly check up at the vets yesterday. And they spent most of the time telling me how fat she is. But, but, but..., thinks I, she was just as fat last year. And the year before that too. Actually, she's a little bit thinner than last year, having lost 0.35 pounds thanks to my half-hearted dieting efforts. I thought I deserved a pat on the back for that, but no, they tell me she needs to lose 3 more pounds. Sigh. So they took lots of blood with dire warnings about diabetes and kidney failure, and how she's a geriatric now so I have to be extra careful. And they said she has bad teeth so I have to take her in for a teeth cleaning in the new year.

I exaggerate, actually. They were and are lovely, and I really like everyone there. And they're right - she is fat. Thing is, she was 7 when I got her, and was enormous then, and I felt like with the shock of changing families it wasn't right for me to make her lose weight too quickly. She's lost nearly 2 pounds since I've had her, but OK, I've had her for 6 years and I could have done a lot better. 1.5 pounds was probably lost in her first year with me, so I've clearly been slacking for the last 5 years. And they probably did mention the fatness last year, but I've probably glossed over it in my mind.

So Miss Kitteh is now on Atkins, per the vet's instructions. No more dry food, and no leaving food out for her. Not quite sure how this will work with my new crazy school schedule, but I guess it will just have to. We will just have to diet together, even if she complains bitterly. Incidentally, when I made that feeble little joke to the vet, he recommended Atkins for me too. Except when I said I was a vegetarian he just said "oh! It will be very hard for you to lose weight then." Ass. It's a good thing he's super nice generally, cute, and great with the animals, otherwise I wouldn't put up with it.

Yay me

2008-12-19T09:39:00.002-05:00

Guess who's on the President's List of the local CC? Little ole me. 4.0, baby, 4.0.

In other news, I have decided that I will skip the adoption classes for this semester. I think I need time to adjust to the new school schedule and it will be too hard if I am taking up another night with a different class, even if I find one that is not on a Tuesday. I'm going to try to find one for next semester instead. And who knows, maybe if I get my request in early enough, perhaps the adoption agency will listen and run one on a Monday night instead.

The interview

2008-12-18T13:00:00.006-05:00

I went with the dress. See, it is a jersey knit and has pockets which probably wasn't obvious from the previous link, so wasn't quite as fancy as all that. And I always intended to wear it with a camisole so it wouldn't be too revealing. But I decided on a grey camisole rather than a black one, for a bit of visual interest. Anyway, I thought the outfit was the right pick for the day and I felt confident in it.

The interview went well. It was with two Chinese ladies, the Dean and someone whose position I didn't quite catch. They pored over my embarrassing transcript from my Bachelor's degree. "What this? 40C? What this mean? It's a C?" "Uh, no, it's a compensated pass, meaning I failed that course but gained enough in other courses to get the bare pass grade of 40. This one at 53 is a C. But look! That one's an A! See, over 70 is an A, that's an 84!" I felt like I was doing the "Look! Puppies!" thing, but really, that transcript is from another age. It's not me any more. But they didn't really care in the end. They even said I didn't need to have done quite so many Community College classes - yeah, thanks for letting me know that now. We talked a bit about acu, my current job, immigration, the school, etc. They seemed to like me and at the end of the interview said "How can we not offer you a place? Congratulations!"

Then I sat with the admissions lady, and went over a lot of the stuff I missed from orientation. Including going off to try on various sizes of scrubs, as I have to wear school scrubs every day. But I'll be attending 4 days a week and they only give you 3 sets of scrubs (+ 2 lab coats). I felt like going "ewwww, stinky" but I guess it's 2 eight-hour days and 2 four-hour days so I can just wear the same scrubs for the shorter sessions if I really can't get my act together enough to do laundry that often. I should have asked for another set of scrubs, but she kept going on about liking to do everyone's order together and how she has a system, so I kept my mouth shut. She has a system over ordering the books too which I didn't quite get, but essentially I'm supposed to turn up early on day 1 and pick them all up. I think. Something like that, anyway. And the parking pass. And the library pass. And, and, and. Too many things to keep up with.

Strangely they didn't want any money. I kept asking if they were sure, but she said they charge everything to my student account and then it's my job to keep up with payments. Hmmm. I never got to talk to the finance lady because I'm not taking a loan so I think there was probably more to it than that, although they seem laid back about the whole thing so I'm sure if I do something wrong they'll cut me some slack.

The school was a bit shabby, but they stressed how they are a non-profit school and they charge the lowest tuition in the area, because they want to keep things affordable. So a bit of shabbiness is to be expected, I guess. But it was a nice atmosphere. There were a few students wandering around, using the library, etc, and they all looked friendly. I think I'm going to enjoy it!

Dang

2008-12-17T11:11:00.002-05:00

Just realized that the CC grades aren't going to be available until Friday, not tomorrow as I'd been erroneously thinking all along. So I called the acu school to see if this will be a problem. The admissions lady said I could change my interview to next week if I'd like.

Says I: "Ah, no, I'd prefer to do it tomorrow if possible, seeing as everything is arranged, but if you need my grades, then it'd be no problem to switch."

Says she: "Well, I'll have to check with the Dean, but if you'd like to switch, then we can."

"Um, no, like I said, I'd prefer to come tomorrow if possible."

"Well, we can switch it to Tuesday if you'd like."

"You know? I think I'd prefer to come tomorrow, but why don't you check with the Dean, and if he really needs to see the grades, we can switch the appointment, but if he doesn't, maybe we could leave it as is?"

"OK, I'll check and call you back."

Que?

Done!

2008-12-16T16:17:00.002-05:00

Le Community College est fini!

I am fairly confident regarding my grades, which will be out on Thursday. Let's just say that the English teacher whispered as I handed in my exam today: "Thank you for taking this class. It's so nice to teach someone with a brain." I could have kissed him. Community College rocks when you're an adult.

Onwards and upwards...

Cholesto-rama

2008-12-15T11:58:00.003-05:00

Got my cholesterol down from 251 to 234 in 4 weeks. Yay me. There's lots more I can be doing, so I am going to try to step it up even more to try really hard to get it under 200.

I guess this proves that the dairy really is what was doing it, not the IVF meds. I haven't completely given up dairy and eggs, just cut way back. I suppose when I was thinner my body was more tolerant of high fat dairy, but now I'm chunkier it reacts more.

Except...I just checked my old posts, and my lowest cholesterol level recently was while I was following the full fat dairy infertility diet, with cream-on-the-top milk and yogurt. Am confused.

Things always look better in the morning

2008-12-14T08:30:00.007-05:00

Although I had a long, depressed nap yesterday, it didn't make me feel any better. I just felt very deflated and defeated, like I was not going to ever manage to adopt an infant. But I want to thank you for your comments, particularly the one referring me to WACAP (thanks Hedgetoad!). Because after a night of sleep, things are looking better.

It's just that that room took me right back to the pain of infertility. There were 3 white couples. All of a certain age. All looking beaten down. All of a type that is so familiar from RE waiting rooms all over the country - the ones like me who have watched all the pert young IVF patients get pregnant, and have been left crying and broke. I knew they'd all tried and failed to have kids, maybe even if they hadn't done IVF, they all looked beaten down. The woman next to me was bubbly and the only one that didn't give off a depressed energy. She was on her own so I initially thought she was single like me, but when we all had to fill in a sign-in sheet, she put a spouse's name down so I guess he just couldn't go. I don't know, of course, but I got the impression that she was doing this to help the poor kiddies. She was African-American and, I don't know, maybe she was doing her Christian duty or something. All just impressions, of course, but the energy coming off her was so different I just didn't think she had been through infertility. Then there was another woman on her own, but she was in the wrong place - she had her niece and nephew and wanted to adopt them, but had already done the parenting class, etc. She didn't appear too bright. Anyway, there was that IVF-waiting room contrast thing going on - the depressed ones and the not-so-depressed ones. The desperate and the excited. And it just took me back to all the feelings of failure, and wondering why it is so damn difficult.

Anyhoo, the WACAP African-American infant program arranges private adoptions for $10-$13k. Which is a lot cheaper than other private adoptions (although it is depressing that those children are not as valued, which is a sad reflection on us as a society, but we won't go there today). So it helped me see that I do have an alternative even though the stock market tanking has wiped out a good chunk of my savings. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured I didn't want to do it right now because of the crazy school/work schedule. So I am going to hold that in reserve as my option for if this adopting from the state lark doesn't work out. It'll be my talisman when things are looking bleak - that I can pursue that as soon as I am done with school, and have a baby (hopefully) within a year. I'll be 44 probably by then - hopefully I'll still have enough energy to keep up with a small child!

So, given that my schedule is not ideal right now anyway, why not forge ahead with my initial plan of trying to hold out for a safe haven newborn even if the wait is 2-3 years. In fact, I prefer a long wait, so I shouldn't let the adoption ladies put me off. They are doing their job, trying to steer everyone to the older kids and I shouldn't let myself get completely depressed when they make the chances of what I want to do look so bleak. AND I can use the home study and the MAPP classes (or can update the home study easier later on) for if I bail out and pursue another avenue of adoption.

Right, so first thing I have to do is call the adoption agency and ask them about the possibility of newborn adoption. And stand firm even when they try to put me off. Then I have to call each of the 10 or so different fostering and private adoption agencies that run the parenting classes, to find one that has them on a Monday night. And if nobody does, then I'll just have to go back to the adoption agency and figure something out, like paying for private classes or something.

Vomitous

2008-12-13T10:35:00.004-05:00

I want to vomit.

I want to drink myself into oblivion.

I want to just...stop life and get off it for a little bit.

I want...I don't know what I want, but it's not this.

I went to the adoption orientation. There was a lady from the adoption-only agency, and a lady from the foster agency. It seems that since privatization there is now an alphabet soup of different agencies. The adoption-only lady said that the children available to be adopted are usually above the age of 8, and have issues such as behavioral issues, health issues, whatever. Because the children available in the adoption program have already been offered to their foster parents and to their relatives and weren't wanted.

Then the foster lady told us about being foster parents, and how we can sometimes adopt from that, but their big goal is to get the children back to their parents. But if we do do that, as foster parents we'd get second refusal on adopting the children in our care (first refusal going to relatives).

I tried asking about adopting a child under 8 - do they come up in the adoption-only agency, or do we have to do foster parenting if we want an infant. And she said that with foster care it might take 3 or 4 placements before we are allowed to adopt, because those 3 or 4 might all go back to their parents or we might get lucky and our first placement might become available for adoption.

I'm completely confused. I don't know what agency I'm supposed to go with, what I'm supposed to do. They said all the questions would be answered in the 10-week parenting course we're supposed to do. And at that point we can specify if we only want babies, or toddlers, or school-age children. But then they said that we should try to go to the course that is being run at the agency that we want to sign up with, because we'll develop a relationship with the people there. But if you don't know which agency to go with, how do you pick which class to go to? They kept saying that the syllabus is the same, but they cover slightly different things, so we could go to a different agency's classes but we should try not to. WTF?

Except that both of these two agencies run their courses on Tuesday nights. I asked what if we couldn't make Tuesday night, could we do the course elsewhere? And they said of course if there's a night we couldn't make we could do that week's class elsewhere. I was like "no, what if we can't make ANY Tuesday night, doesn't anyone have classes on another night?" The woman next to me nodded, saying "I work on Tuesday nights." The two ladies didn't seem to answer that.

They gave us a lot of information, and none of it really answered what I wanted to know. I know they have a duty to try to steer us towards the teens and school-age kids. I know those kids really need care, I know. But I just felt flattened.

I just don't know any more. I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I can't get to a class on Tuesday night because I'll be at acu school probably. I don't know if I'm supposed to sign up with the adoption agency and ask for newborns but if they never have them then am I supposed to sign up with the foster agency? I suppose I should call them and try to speak to someone but the orientation was supposed to answer those questions, and it didn't.

I came out of there wanting to hurl.